Topic : General Advice

My daughter Valerie will be 3 years old in a few weeks. For the past few months, she has pretended to have an imaginary friend - with a twist.  You see, instead of having an imaginary friend, Valerie IS the imaginary friend. She says she is "Timmy" and that "Valerie" is someplace else - usually in the forest picking flowers and sometimes on her lap or sitting with her in the car. This is disturbing to me, as I don't know if she's being unusually creative or just kind psychotic in this behavior. Is she casting off her own identify for some reason? And how can I get her to be herself again?

My sister who is younger than me, used to have imaginary friends also. She was about 3-4 years old at the time. Their names were "Frankie" and "Johnny". One was red and the other was green. She would constantly talk to these "invisible" people and play with them. She would aske them questions and according to her, they would answere her back. It was phase she went through. My toddlers ages 4 and 5 do the same thing at times. It is only their own imagination being creative. One thing that helped to get my sister from having imanginary friends was that my mom took her to play with other "real" kids. Eventually her invisible friends went somewhere else. I think it is just a phase they go through and they are just being creative in their imagination. My sister was the baby of the family and she had no one to play with so she made up her own friends. Hope this helps some.

Thanks for your reply... the only thing is, your sister had friends that were different people than herself.

 

Valerie has cast off her own identity and is pretending to be another person. That's what's freaking me out. I mean, it's to the point where she's never "herself". If you call her Valerie, she gets angry and yells "NO I'M TIMMY".  Last night, she was crying at the restaurant because she said "Valerie" was left in the car. I mean, she had a 15 minute hissy fit. 

 

Maybe having regular playdates can help with this, and also getting her into preschool. Thanks. I'm hoping it's just a phase.

 

 

My 4 year old has imaginary friends as well. What she does is, she changes her voice, she uses her own voice for herself and then when asking a question or just saying something to her imaginary friend, she uses a different voice for the other person. she too has imagined being some one else but not to the extreme that she refuses to be herself, I think getting your daughter involved in preschool or something may help her and though I believe this is probably a phase, I wouldn't worry about it but yet moniter it and maybe document what she is saying and doing. My daughter has a slight disorder where she pulls her hair, when she first started this, we were really worried but didn't know what to do but then when we found out that there is actually a disorder with this, I started documenting and communicating with her like asking her what she was thinking about, and why she just pulled her hair, in her own words, she told me that it "comforts" her, she does this when a change occurs in her life or she is over whelmed/over stimulated. She is a bit of perfectionist and likes things a certain way. after finding all this out, we use only positive reinforcement and try directing her to a new activity or whatever the case may be. We also talk to her about other ways of dealing with the situation. Thankfully it isn't a problem like it was as we discovered it at a very early age are appropiately dealing with it. If it makes you feel better, talk to your doctor about it just to get some professional input, it certainly helped in our case but in all honesty, I think it is probably a phase and I personally wouldn't stress over it, communicate with her and see what she is thinking about at the time, interact with her and listen to her as she plays and talks.

My 5 year old (Sabrina) used to have imaginary friends then became her own imaginery friend - Cher.  Cher would come over and she would leave.  She started doing this around 3 1/2.  It started getting a little frustrating and I became concerned as well.  I started talking to her about Sabrina and all the great things does and that I missed her while she was gone (while Cher visited)and that I loved her, then Sabrina would come back.  Cher's visit came for shorter intervals.  Now at 5, Cher is often talked about but rarely visits!!  Good luck.

I think your daughter is fine. This should be a phase. My daughter had 1 fulltime friend, Ralph on Sound of Music, that went with us EVERYWHERE, and part time, Leezal from the same movie, she was there some of the time. She is now 9yrs old and that is a great memory I have of hers. I just enjoyed them as much as she did.  My 4yr old doesn't have one. Every child is different. Enjoy her friend and treat them like they were yours, too. Of coarse there are times when she has to be Valerie and Timmy is not there. But for the most part, enjoy Timmy like she does.

Hi! I read what you said about your daughter not being herself, and I would be worried, too. Does she think Valerie is a bad thing to be? Does she do naughty things and blame it on her not being herself because she is someone else? Sometimes my daughters, 3yr old twins Allyssa and Brianna say that they are a horsie and when they physically hurt each other, it was the horsie not them. Brianna tends to bite, but she says horsies bite, which she knows is true because Allyssa got bit by a horse. I think she liked Allyssa getting bit and she sometimes wants to recreate it! I have a real conundrum with them because Allyssa likes 'princess' things, and Brianna really doesnt have a preference much, but when I see a cute shirt that says princess on it, I want to get it for Allyssa, but I dont want to not get anything for Brianna and make her feel like I'm making Allyssa the favorite. The problem is that Brianna probably wouldnt want a princess shirt, so I dont really want to get her something that her sister would want but she wouldnt. She says she is a superhero and only wants superhero clothes. The problem with that is that superhero stuff is usually boys stuff. I dont want to dress her like a boy! I think she just wants to be different from her sister and not be a twin. They dont look alike at all. Brianna is dark with brown hair and brown eyes, and Allyssa is super white with blonde hair and blue eyes. I wonder if Brianna feels bad because Allyssa and I both have blue eyes and she doesnt. I dont want to label them the good twin or bad twin or whatever twin. I'm not sure what to do. I know they're individuals, but I tend to be lazy and group them together. When I get them clothes, I have just gotten two of everything. I figured then one wouldnt feel left out if they always just both got the same thing. I also keep their clothes in the same dresser and they interchange all their clothes. Should I get each their own dresser and start getting them their own clothes? They'll be 4 this fall, and hopefully starting preschool. Where we live, we are very isolated and they rarely see other kids. Any ideas?

My 3 year old daughter "rubs" herself on things (arms of chairs, rocking horse, etc.).  I believe she is doing this for pleasure.  Is this normal?  How do I stop her from doing it?

I would definetly treat them as individuals and even dress them differently. I would give them seperate drawls as well, they need to be aloud to be their own person anddo their own thing. It is ok to dress them alike on accasions and all but really, it shouldn't be an every day thing. I have two girls, they are not twins but they are now sharing a bed room, I am doing half the room in Dora and the other half in Sesame street with some veggie tales along with the theme to please each of the girls, gonna put, so maybe you can do this as well for your girls, and do one side in princess and the other in super heros, so what if it is usuallya boy theme, she likes it, I am not too fa,ilair witht he super heros but are there any girl figures in these shows. whatever the case, they definetly need to be treared as individuals and not considered "the twins". I think once you start treeating them like this and all, they will eventually enjoy having the similarities that they have and will want to dress alike on accasions. They need to know how much they are loved and appreciated for who they are and that it is ok to be who they are. Maybe since the one likes horses so much, maybe you can start the "little pony" collection for her and play with her with them, help her to develop her imagination and encourage her to play and interact with her sister and to be happy with herself and do the same with your other little one.