Topic : General Advice

i think this is your bussines. if a child is at risk of getting diabetes, i think everybody who can, should do something. also, people who are overweight as kids, will have more trouble staying at a normal weight, than people who were at a normal weight as kids. and your step-daughter, teaches your grandson a lifestyle. so this will most likely become his lifestyle too. because that was normal at home. so i think you should get involved. do you have him regularly, do you babysit him? if so, you could teach him a healthy lifesztyle, which you already do, and take him to a couple of sports, and let him try them out, so he will want to go on sports.

so i think you should get involved, and you should get her father involved. this is a kids life she is ruining, an innocent kid

Eeek. This is a toughie. When it comes to grandchildren, the grandparent is expected to take a back seat to the parents style. I think it would be useless to talk to HER. I'd sit my son down, if I were you. I'd find every bit of information I could on childhood diabetes, and other information about the detriments of being overweight. Your son has to realize that HE is just as responsible as she is. When your grandson visits, you can teach him about a healthier lifestyle. You can teach him how much fun it is to be outside....physical activities. You can provide things in your own home that will get him moving.

I know what I'm about to say doesn't mirror your own situation. I had a baby at 42...my  youngest. He isn't really overweight...but he's a BIG boy. His paternal great grandfather was 6'5", and weighed about 300. BIG MAN. Played football for OU way back when. All American. Those genes are apparent in my own little boy. He's 6, btw. I have a trampoline in my back yard...I have a swimming pool. I have purchased "toys" for him that get him moving. Even if it's this little thing called a "Zoingo Boingo"...it's something that he does more jumping around with. Skates. We have a dog that is walked regularly, and he accompanies me on those walks. I have ZERO junk food in my house. There are fresh fruits and veggies, and he loves the little baby carrots in the bag. And yet...he's still a big boy. To some, he might look a little overweight. He is just a product of his DNA. I understand this is not your grandson's case...his mother is plying him with things that are eventually going to choke his arteries. At the least. All you can do at this point (in my opinion) is to hammer away at your son, and provide an example for your grandson when he visits. And I'd get him as often as they'd let me have him......

Good luck...

It's a paternal grandson. My step-daughter is my husband's child. My son-in-law and I don't get along well either. I keep journals and I've been looking back at some notes. Just to give you an idea as to how long the bad habits have been going on I'll list a few I came across. When Ethan (the grandson) was 14 months old my husband and I walked in and my step-daughter had a crumbled up powdered sugar donut she was letting him eat. One day we'd picked him up to come play and when we took him home, she immediately sat him down in the high chair and gave him a sucker--he was still in a high chair!!!. One morning she was talking to me and told me Ethan had fallen asleep before supper and she just let him sleep. She told me she woke him up long enough to feed him and he went right back to sleep. She fed him a HONEY BUN AND CHOCOLATE MILK!!!! She didn't save him a plate of supper......I have no idea as to what they had that night. It most likely didn't have any veggies. On one occassion we went over and they were having corn-dogs for supper. She'd mentioned earlier that they'd had pizza the night before, the night before that they'd had Manwiches (sloppy-joes), and the night before that they'd gone out to eat. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. Also, he's built just like his dad. He's not going to have the height that my step-daughter has. He'll wind up being of medium height for a man and stocky.

We only get him once or twice a week for maybe half the day. He wanted a basket ball so I picked one up for him just last week. Even though I try and encourage outside play, quite often he still wants to watch tv. He's been on a sock puppet kick lately. I even made some puppets for us to play with. Last week I had to tell him I was just tired of sock puppets. But no more time than we spend with him, we can't be much of an influence as to his diet.

Both my husband and I have mentioned the bad feeding habits to my step-daughter in the past and she gets very icy in a hurry. She is not receptive to any suggestions--or criticisms I guess I should say. I just thought I may try one more time to talk to her and tell her I would gladly eat my words if he does get a growth spurt and thins out, but she still needs to feed him healthy foods. Do you have any suggestions with this added information about my situation???

Ok, she's your stepdaughter. Ikes. It sounds as though your relationship was already rocky before the baby came in the picture, right? I don't know how easy it will be to go back and make amends, try to undo some of the past between the two of you. I don't know how long you've been in her life, what kind of influence you were, etc. etc. etc. It could very well be that you are going to just have to try to do the best you can with the situation. The other poster who suggested your apologizing and attempting to put your relationship with her back on solid footing is a good one....but when it comes to stepdaughters...

Mother/daughter relationships can be difficult enough. They grow. They challenge. It's all part of their maturing and finding their own way in this world. The mom is the strongest influence in her daughter's life. (I'm not saying dads aren't a strong influence...but kids identify mostly with their same-sex parent) If you all have a long history of angst, it's going to be a bit difficult. There's certainly no harm in trying, however.

Barring that....you have extremely limited exposure to your grandson. I'd still provide him with every avenue I could. He's going to grow...get bigger...and who knows? Maybe the habits he learns at your home could spill over into his own. If he learns to love certain foods at your house, he might just someday beg for them at home. If able, I'd go buy bicycles..skates...whatever I could to get him moving. I'd strictly limit the game playing, no matter HOW much he loves it. I've had to do that with my own son. He didn't like it at first, but he got used to it. He now prefers to be outside. If you get him interested in the preparation and cooking of healthy foods (within his ability, of course) you're teaching him habits he can keep the rest of his life. And I don't know about you, but playing with my son is exhausting...but I get out there and do it anyway. The walks are especially great...we live in a rural area, so we get to see all kinds of unique and beautiful things on our walks. I get to see things through a child's eyes, kwim? Good time for great conversation as well. You could let him know that it's ok to ask mom for something healthier. That's not to say to start in on him...but just let him know it's ok to ask for them.

When someone's parenting style is attacked (either real, or perceived) you've lost quite a bit of footing here. And suggesting that she's not feeding him right is enough for her to likely feel as though you're attacking her parenting style. We're hypersensitive sometimes to criticism when it comes to how we're raising our children. I AGREE with you..just so you know. She DOES need to be feeding him healthier. But I still think your best option is to try to teach him a love for a healthy lifestyle. You know....the old "teach a man to fish" analogy? Good luck!

Hello!  I'm new to this post.  My children have experienced what no child should ever go through.  While they were silenced and my stepson manipulated our family and friends into believing he was a good kid - I had instincts.  There were many times I felt that something was seriously wrong.  Yet everyone around us tried to comfort me that everything was OK.  Please - from one parent to others - listen to that little voice inside.  No matter how crazy it may seem at the time - Trust your instincts, feelings and thoughts.  

Thanks for listening!

Claire

The condition is called encopresis. And you are NOT alone. There are far more children dealing with this problem than you realize. I'd google the word, and get an education about what you're dealing with. It's a true, bona fide medical problem that isn't going to go away with threats, punishments, making them clean up their own messes, etc. But there IS help. With a good doctor, you and your son can manage this condition until he grows out of it.

My sister's now 35yo son had encopresis 30 years ago. Imagine the ignorance of the condition back then! Even now...judgments. Just know that your son isn't doing this on purpose, and that there IS help for you and for him. ENCOPRESIS.

If you'd like to read the messages from the show, you can click on "message boards" at the top of the page. Then click on "2007 shows" and from there a page will open up with all the shows from the months in 2007. Click on "July 2007" and from there click on the date the show aired. The title of that particular show was "What's up, Doc?"  Good luck. I hope you find the answers you seek, and the help needed for your son. Just ignore the judgmental people....they don't know what they're talking about anyway. There are *always* people like that in the world, and you can't always avoid them.

I wish you and your son all the best.....