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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 465
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 12:00:07 pm
Author : dataimport
Share advice and support with other parents of pre-schoolers and school age kids.

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October 4, 2007, 11:28 am CDT

General Advice

Quote From: playingthefool

Hey i have a 7,5 and 2 year old children who are constantly telling on each other, how do I set limets as to what is okay to tell on and what is not? Right noe when the kids tattle I stick them in the corner, it is not working very well. thanks for any offered advice 

I used to put my 2 boys in "time out" when their fighting got out of control.  (If they weren't out of control, I sometimes left them alone to work it out for themselves.)  But I think that what really made the difference was the conversation I had with each of them after they calmed down.

 

First, I would ask them individually to tell me their version of what happened.  I would actively listen, only asking for clarification.  If appropriate, I would share the other child's perspective of the situation.  Then, I would always ask each one, "What could YOU have done differently?" sometimes followed by "What are YOU going to do differently next time?"

 

This strategy helped me get to the root of the problem, taught my kids to assume some responsibility for their own behavior, and taught them some strategies for dealing with conflicts.

 
October 8, 2007, 8:52 am CDT

Misdiagnosed

Quote From: jchicmom

Are you sure that you have the right diagnosis?  (ADHD).  I recently read an article about Child and Adolescent Bipolar Disorder from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).  It said that medications used to treat ADHD and depression can exacerbate the symptoms of bipolar disorder.  Then they listed the symptoms of the manic phase, which includes "hypersexuality."  If I were you, I would talk to her physician about the accuracy of her diagnosis and about changing her medication.

You know it's kinda funny that you mention that because they boy she was caught with is on medicition and has long been diagnosised as being bipolar. That is differently something I should check into myself I guess. Thanks for the advice.
 
October 26, 2007, 1:43 pm CDT

I could use some help with my son...


I have a set of four y/o twins, a boy and a girl.  I also have a 10, and 8 y/o both girls.  My son has been diagnosed with a learning disability.  The school system said that he is about 10 months behind in his speech and he is about 14 months behind in his fine motor skills.  The schools said that he needs to be in a 7-1-1 program.  This means that he has 7 kids to one teacher and one aid.  This is supposed to help him because he can not focus in larger groups.  He went to one school and that seemed to help. When I finished college he was moved to a school closer to my home. He has been going to this school since Sept.  I can not take him out in public, due to the screaming, tantrums, and fits he throws out in public.  I have tried everything to punish him.  I have spanked, put in the corner, hugged, sent to his room, and even taken toys away.  I am my wits end and I want him tested for some type of ADHD or ADD.  He has already been tested for Autism when he was 2.  The state said he just needed tubes put in his ears and then he would correct his behavior. That worked for the year he had the tubes in.  Now it is a different story.  Please can someone help me.  I do not want to put him on medicine, but I am at wits end!!!  

 

Sincerely,

A very stressed out mom.


 
November 6, 2007, 3:43 pm CST

Doing something different for Christmas this year

Lately our family has been working on self-improvement and figuring out ways to become better people. I have decided that this year, instead of presents, we will surprise the kids with "self-improvement" cards in their stockings instead of presents. We might have to put fake presents under the tree until Christmas day to keep the surprise going.
On the card will be a summary of how the kids' have misbehaved, what their faults are, and how they can improve.

My 2 stepsons (DH's, i.e. dear husband's) have been misbehaving for the past few weeks, so this will be good for them. Kids shouldn't expect presents as an entitlement. They should learn that you don't always get what you want and that the best present you can give someone is constructive criticism.

I haven't told DH about this, but I am sure I can talk him into going along with it. I will NOT budge on this. It is something that needs to be done. I think when the kids see that I care enough for them to want to correct their behavior, it will help create a closer bond between us. Right now I think they resent me for "stealing" their dad away from their "real mom" (lol @ that, he left her for me, they should be mad at him, but whatever).

Anywho, what do you guys think about this? Anybody else doing anything "different" for Christmas?
 
November 9, 2007, 9:06 am CST

siblings fighting with each other

I have two grandchildren who are brother and sister and physically fight with each other frequently.  What discipline measures would help stop this.

 
November 30, 2007, 12:25 pm CST

I need help for my friend!!

Hello everyone.   My friend  is going through the roughest time.  I have written 3 emails to  Dr. Phil and I put a letter in the mail today.   I know he is extremely busy so until I hear something I am looking for some imput.  It's hard to explain the story, and there are some names I cannot mention, but I am going to try and keep it simple.  My friend Amy has two daughters.  Kayla, who is 5 and is Amy's stepdaughter, and Brittany who is 6 months old.  Brittany is her daughter with her partner, Matt.  Matt and Amy used to share custody of Kayla with her birthmother.  While Kayla was in her mother's care some terrible things happened.  She was severely molested by her mother and her mother's boyfriend.  This was discovered when Kayla was 3 years old, and they fought for full custody of Kayla.  Kayla, naturally, is suffering very badly.  She has been seeing two therapists over the past couple years, who in my opinion are twits.  They say Kayla's behavior is normal.  I disagree.  Kayla misses her birth mother and mother's boyfriend.  She says she ejoyed what they did to her.  She started out by dancing 'sexy', however things have escalated tremendously since.  Kayla will masturbate constantly, and use whatever she can get her hands on to do it.  Her therapist, like I said, says this behavior is normal.  I would normally agree.  Except, how many 5 year olds penetrate themselves in their vagina and anus?  How many 5 year olds have to be taken to the emergency room for masturbating with a knife?  How many 5 year olds have to have the feces cleaned off their mouthes when they get up in the morning?  And the final and most horrific question, how many 5 year olds have molested their baby sister?  Do you still think this behavior is normal?  I certainly hope not.  The therapists who have been seeing Kayla are telling Amy and Matt that this is normal, and they are overreacting.  If something does happen to make them think otherwise, they all meet, and nothing happens.  This family is falling apart!  I'm worried that if Kayla doesn't get help soon it will be too late!  How long will it be before she touches her baby sister again?  Another innocent child at school?  I think its about time SOMEONE started paying attention to this situation!!  Amy and Matt are doing everything they can!  They aren't experts, and shouldn't be expected to know how to handle something like this.  What happens if Kayla decides to try and use a knife again?  She may not be so lucky next time!  Oh, by the way, one of the therapists told Amy to put the knives back in the kitchen drawer, because Kayla said she wouldn't do it again.  Come on!!  Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!  Amy has probably tried it already, but I need some feedback from someone.  Please tell me you don't agree with those therapists!
 
December 4, 2007, 7:23 am CST

I don;t know about that!

Quote From: nopushover

Lately our family has been working on self-improvement and figuring out ways to become better people. I have decided that this year, instead of presents, we will surprise the kids with "self-improvement" cards in their stockings instead of presents. We might have to put fake presents under the tree until Christmas day to keep the surprise going.
On the card will be a summary of how the kids' have misbehaved, what their faults are, and how they can improve.

My 2 stepsons (DH's, i.e. dear husband's) have been misbehaving for the past few weeks, so this will be good for them. Kids shouldn't expect presents as an entitlement. They should learn that you don't always get what you want and that the best present you can give someone is constructive criticism.

I haven't told DH about this, but I am sure I can talk him into going along with it. I will NOT budge on this. It is something that needs to be done. I think when the kids see that I care enough for them to want to correct their behavior, it will help create a closer bond between us. Right now I think they resent me for "stealing" their dad away from their "real mom" (lol @ that, he left her for me, they should be mad at him, but whatever).

Anywho, what do you guys think about this? Anybody else doing anything "different" for Christmas?
I'm not sure that would be a good idea since you are the step mom and they resent you for that already. Christmas is for kids to be happy not be disappointed, if they are misbehaving try talking to DH and setting some house rules but I think your plan is going to backfire.give the kids a chance the have alot to get use to any they are probably have a lot going on in there heads for the love of God don't ruin their Christmas.
 
December 5, 2007, 2:29 pm CST

I totally disagree!

Quote From: nopushover

Lately our family has been working on self-improvement and figuring out ways to become better people. I have decided that this year, instead of presents, we will surprise the kids with "self-improvement" cards in their stockings instead of presents. We might have to put fake presents under the tree until Christmas day to keep the surprise going.
On the card will be a summary of how the kids' have misbehaved, what their faults are, and how they can improve.

My 2 stepsons (DH's, i.e. dear husband's) have been misbehaving for the past few weeks, so this will be good for them. Kids shouldn't expect presents as an entitlement. They should learn that you don't always get what you want and that the best present you can give someone is constructive criticism.

I haven't told DH about this, but I am sure I can talk him into going along with it. I will NOT budge on this. It is something that needs to be done. I think when the kids see that I care enough for them to want to correct their behavior, it will help create a closer bond between us. Right now I think they resent me for "stealing" their dad away from their "real mom" (lol @ that, he left her for me, they should be mad at him, but whatever).

Anywho, what do you guys think about this? Anybody else doing anything "different" for Christmas?
To be blunt, that's a terrible idea!  First of all, if you want to make a change in your tradition for Christmas, you need to discuss this with your husband.  Christmas is not about correcting behaviour!  For adults, it SHOULD be about spending time with your loved ones.  It should be about seeing the looks on those children's faces when they get up Christmas morning to see the gifts that Santa left.  It's about a lot of things, but not about showing them how they have misbehaved.  You can do that by simply practicing consistent discipline.  When they do something wrong, show they the consequences then!  Don't throw it back in their face at Christmas.  Fake gifts wrapped under a tree?  Now thats just plain cold. To me this seems less like a discipline issue, and more like a power issue.  Are you trying to show them that you 'got' their father?  That you run the show now?  Whatever your motive (I don't believe for a minute that its about improving their behaviour),  you should forget your plan.  This will only end badly for you, and your entire family. 

Oh, and to answer your question, I am doing something different this year for Christmas.  My son gathered up all his old toys and he's going to drop them off at the Salvation Army.  He wants other children who aren't as fortunate to enjoy his old toys.  We're also going to 'adopt' a family this year and buy gifts for them.  My son has already picked out some lovely gifts for the baby girl.  My son misbehaves too.  I'm trying to teach him that as lovely as Santa is, Christmas is about giving.  The time-out works wonders for me.  I don't intend on EVER stealing his Christmas.  I hope you 'read and heed.' 
 
December 6, 2007, 11:31 am CST

Step kids causing divorce

It's a pretty simple story….well my 6 year old step daughter Miranda is bad, bad, bad! I mean even my mother and his mom think so, so does the sitter. I can tell you some of her small stories like when spray painted the sitter AC unit outside and then begged and tried to bribe the boys not to tell her on. Another small story is she poured out 36 pair her grandmothers contacts right down the sink cause she was bored….those are all small stories but then you have two big issues like she was caught with our friends son with no clothes on either of them, with his face between her legs. Don't know exactly what all happened or what they were doing but these kind of things happen often with her. She is very very hard to handle. Well when the whole boy thing happened I just knew I wouldn't be able to deal with her the older she got well yesterday really pushed me to the edge and if it wasn't for my love for Larry (her dad) I would have been gone right then and there….Larry has been working late all this week and some last week. They have some special project thing they have to do and can only do it at night….anyway so he's been working till like 1-2 in the morning…yesterday I thought I would be nice and let him sleep in a little and take the kids to school since I had a dr's appointment at 9:30. So I got them dressed and was taking them to school well Chandler, my 7.5 year old step son, moved something off the front seat that I told him not to touch and I reached over and popped him on his hand which was IN HIS LAP! Told him I said not to move it or you would mess it up. Not that big of a deal. So I got back from taking them and finished getting ready and the school principal called about 30 mins later and Larry answered the phone. He comes in there to the bathroom and says the school just called and said I needed to come up there because Chandler and Miranda said I hit Chandler in his eye. So I freaked out ya know I was so ticked off that they would lie on me like that. He goes up there and everything and my friend called and said she took her son to school late and seen Chandler in the office with ice on his eye and she asked him what happened. It was so bad that the principal had to make sure she was allowed to talk to him before he would let Chandler say anything to her. Well Tricia said that the teacher told her that Chandler and Miranda was in the cafeteria eating breakfast and Chandler kept scratching his eye and finally the teacher asked him what was wrong and Miranda said "momma Kim hit him in the eye". I assume they hurried him to the office thinking child abuse or whatever put ice on it when I got home later last night and picked them up and he has like this teny tiny little scratch next to his eye not even enough for a band-aid let alone ice….anyway I was severely upset the entire day. I don't think they did it knowing what kinda trouble it would cause but it's the simple fact that they did it. HRS has already been called on us twice before because of misunderstandings. Once for a bruise seen on Miranda by the teacher. She fell on our trampoline during a birthday party and got bruised but the teachers like to cause problems so she called HRS saying child abuse on my husband and then the end of school last year the nurse called HRS cause our kids had headlice allll year last year. We tried everything and did everything right but they like to cause trouble so they said we were neglecting them. We eventually got rid of it during the summer when we switch them to a sitter instead of my sister in-law watching them. Because of stuff like this and just a whole combination of things I truly am to a point where I could careless about them anymore. I'm sick of not being able to buy my son the things I want to without having to buy his kids anything. It is literally killing me inside. I want to get Dalton's pictures done for Christmas so bad but I can't cause Larry would get very mad if I did it and didn't take his kids too. Which I can't blame him either cause I know I would be mad but I refuse to take his kids….I don't want to and I'm not going to. Especially now. Anyway me and Larry are great as far as our relationship….he is the perfect guy ya know. I told him last night that my love for him is the ONLY thing keeping me around but after what they did yesterday it's to a point now where that isn't enough anymore. I am miserable in that house….I can't stand to try and go anywhere cause we have to take all them and it is such a hassle, I can't even stand to be seen with his kids….it's horrible of me to say that I do not like his kids but I don't….Miranda is a horrible horrible little girl I have absolutely no patients with her and no forgiveness and Chandler is a great kid as far as not doing anything wrong but he is sooo slow and can't do anything by himself can't even tie his own shoes and he's almost 8. He falls down and runs into walls constantly. I know he's got a disability (just a small disability) but OMG it doesn't make him run into walls he just DOES NOT pay attention. Anyway that's my feelings about them and it's causing a very big strain on our marriage because I'm miserable around them not to mention I HATE where we live, his family disgusts me (they are so nasty), I have no friends there and now thinks to them kids I have a name as a child abuser in our town, even though it's not true. It's a very small town and people talk and i was assuced of it so that's enough for them! Plus I miss my mom so much. If I go over there Larry always wants to go with me and I hate telling him no and I wouldn't if we didn't always have to take everybody. If it was just me, Larry, and Dalton I would be super happy and life would be great. I assume there is not hope for our marriage since I can't get along with his kids. With him comes his bad kids (which did i mention he has custody of cause there known mother didn't want them?) and if I can't have have his kids I can't have him. I guess I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop before I finally just give in and call it quits. I want my husband so bad it hurts but I don't want his kids. Can't have one without the other.

 
January 6, 2008, 11:40 am CST

There is something wrong with my daughter

How do you fix your child? She is 8yrs old and never learns from her mistakes. Never. She continues to do toddler like things over and over. Not really to be vindictive, but she just does them. She doesn't respond when I yell or ground her. He facial reactions are disconnected.

 

I'm afriad to send her to see someone because what if they take her away? I'm not a very good mother but I don't hurt her. I do yell something that I regret just to get a reaction...but nothing.

 

Last night she came in the kitchen and told me the devil was trying to make her hit her baby sister with a (tray) table.

 

Is she trying to get a reaction out of me? She would never do that but jsut to say it.....

 
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