Topic : General Advice

Ok...I looked at the PICKY EATER board and decided that this 'behavior' isn't picky eating.  It is a big huge control issue and neither of the natural parents seem to want to deal with it.  We are a blended family of 7........5 kids.....mine are 14, 13 and 12.  His are 7 and 10.  The problem is the 7 year old, we will call Dean,  only eats chicken nuggets or a piece of cut up chicken.  REFUSES any vegetables or fruit...I MEAN NONE!  NO banana's...grapes....apples.....applesauce......NOTHING!  His mother told us that she simply has 'given up' and isn't going to bother trying anymore.  GIVEN UP?  I didn't realize that was an option.  Last night Dean's father made him try rice.. .....RICE A RONI PEOPLE!  Who doesn't like that San Francisco treat?  It took 1 1/2 hours and he finally tried 2 pieces of rice....not 2 spoonfuls.....2 pieces....and then he made himself gag like he was going to vomit.  I told him if he vomited, he would clean it up.  I wasn't about too play that game.  As soon as he heard that he stopped himself.   Needless to say, it should not have gone on this long.  When we finished with dinner, he should have had his plate taken from him and he should have been done for the night.  Unfortunately, my husband has some issues of his own when it comes to discipline and eating nutricious foods. 

I say that he has to try everything on his plate.....vegetables included....and it has to be done during the meal.   He shouldn't be able to dictate what he is or isn't going to eat.  Chicken Nuggets and french fries are doing nothing for him.  I am aggrevated and wonder why I even care when Dean's biological parents don't seem too?  Any advice?

This is a tough one.  I am going to give my opinion, but bare in mind that I have not had to see my son strapped to the dentist's chair before.  I believe that if the parent(s) and/or nurse can not restrain the child, it may be necessary.  I'm not a professional, so I'm not sure what could happen if you left a baby tooth uncared for.  My guess is it could cause a lot of issues that could cause problems in the future.  A prime example of this is children sucking their thumb.  Many parents believe it's not a problem at all... at least not until they see the dentist bill when their child needs braces.  Anyways, back to my point.  In some senerios, the pro's may outweigh the con's in that situation.  Either restrain the child, or suffer the consequences of poor dental hygiene.  I just certainly hope the dentist isn't pulling out the straps as soon as the child walks in the room.  If they are out of options, and it is legal (that's another issue I'm unaware of), I think it would be beneficial in the long run.

I would not agree to a dentist using this method on my child.
I had a very scary experience at the dentist when I was a child. Back then, (early 70’s) they didn’t allow parents to come in with the child. (perhaps they would have if my mother persisted, but she trusted the authority figure, thinking he knew what he was talking about.) The dentist was going to give me Novocain, but when I saw the needle, I got very scared and tried to get up. The dentist and his assistance held me down, covered my mouth, and then said, “well, we’ll do it the hard way then.” They proceeded to hold me down, give me the shot, threaten me that I would “be sorry” if I moved while they put in a filling. This was simply a filling! I was so scared.
I’ve never heard of “papoose-style” restraints, but I would be 100% against it.

It’s good that you care. However, with both biological parents working against you and allowing the child to have complete power, your chance of changing anything in Dean’s behavior is slim. But don’t’ give up trying. The child is getting a huge amount of attention over rice-a-roni, that is an awesome feeling for a kid! Your husband has to step back and look at the big picture; he isn’t helping Dean, he’s actually doing him a disservice. Encourage your husband to spend quality one-on-one time with his children whenever possible, to have the child choose an activity that they enjoy and then do that, even if it is only for 20 minutes. When you put in small amounts of quality time, you will begin to reap large rewards.
Perhaps your husband has guilty feelings over being divorced/not seeing his children as often as he wants to, etc., and that effects the decisions he makes regarding the children. Whatever the reason, giving the child the opportunity to monopolize family time with negative behavior is taking away quality time from the other children, causing tension and stress, and potentially, in the long-run, causing food-phobias.
I’m sure that you have certain rules for your own children. When your step children are at your home, simply lay out the rules, and if they don’t follow them, do not make a big deal of it. This is what he wants you to do. Just shrug and say, “maybe next time, huh?” And move on. You can’t change your husband’s behavior, but you could possibly explain to him how negative his reactions to his son are. Best wishes.

I'm not sure I'm using these boards correctly... they are a little different from other forums I've posted on in that I can't just start a thread on a new topic.  I've posted 3 messages in the past here and never rec'd a single response on any of them, although they were 3 different topics.  I'll try this again!

 

I really need help/advice.

We are animal lovers, please believe that. I am a happily-married SAHM w/3 school-aged children at home. We have a wonderful housecat, many fish, 2 birds (cockatiels), and a standard American Eskimo (dog). Our dog wasn't right from the time we got her 3 years ago as a little puppy. When I say "wasn't right", I mean - she is excessively nervous, throws up the instant she gets in a car, pees all over our house at every insecurity, fear, bit of anger, disappointment, etc... and once even bit my husband (broke skin) because she didn't want to do what he wanted her to do (go outside).  She is USUALLY okay w/going out on the leash, but not always... and we can't pick up a pattern of when/how/why she sometimes just decides she's not going to.  We can't take her anywhere - not the pet store, not the park, not on a visit to family or friend's houses... first because she'll throw up the minute we pull out of the driveway, second because she'll bark endlessly in a new situation, and third because she'll pee no matter where she is - supposedly it's a nervous reaction to any strong emotion (fear, excitement, etc...). Yes, we've been through crate-training - she understands that she's supposed to "go" outside. Yes, we've obedience-trained her. She obeys most commands, but has a mind of her own. We can't go anywhere more than 24 hours w/out putting her in a kennel because she'll pee everywhere and we can't take her anywhere with us.

     And now we'd like to re-do our home (carpets, etc...) but can't bear the thought of her continual "issues" on new carpeting. I know it sounds awful, but we're at the end of our ropes (my husband and I). We've talked to the vet... the general consensus is that sure, we can put her on meds, etc... that MIGHT help, but the bottom line is, she's an Eskie and while Eskies tend to have these nervous problems, hers seem a little worse, considering how much we've worked w/her.  Please, this is hard enough w/out the animal-lovers' criticism of how she's supposed to be a family member, etc... so this is not where I'm going here in the Dr.Phil message board.

     The reason I came here is to seek advice or guidance as to how to explain this to our kids... who obviously know our frustration, but love our dog. We know a family that we aren't exactly close to (like, we wouldn't be visiting)... but they have a small farm-like home, a huge fenced-in area, they have 5 dogs already that roam in and out of their house, and she is a registered animal-rescue person (the mom). They have kids, and plenty of experience with dogs. They are great people - and I'm starting to think our dog might just be happier there... and maybe her issues will then tone down a bit... or maybe it won't bother them as much, IDK. But they've volunteered to take her (gosh, she's beautiful) if we decide we can't do it anymore. 

     It's just our 9-yr-old son, a self-chosen vegetarian, animal-lover, naturalist, etc... is insistent that he'll never get over it, never forgive us, etc... if we "get rid of" her. The youngest (6) we're confident will adapt although likely be upset at first... Our oldest often agrees that she wreaks havoc on our home more days than not... but our 9-yr-old thinks that we should just "deal with it" - she's ours. And God love him for that. So for the past 3 years that we've been tossing up the idea of letting her go somewhere she might be happier, we've never carried through due to our middle son's feelings.

     I just feel like I can't do this anymore, and neither can my husband. It's so much stress on our home, and we've tried EVERYTHING - except medication, and I REALLY don't want to go that route.  How can we help our son to understand what is happening and why we might do this?

 

This is definitely a 'catch 22' situation.  You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.  If you and your husband are absolutely sure you can no longer handle this, and you know a great home for her, I think you're making the right decision.  Unfortunatly, your 9 year old animal loving son could never grasp it.  I know I wouldn't have been able to when I was 9.  What I would do in this situation is call your vet.  Explain the situation to him, and get an appointment for your dog.  Bring your son along, and have the vet explain everything.  It may mean a little more coming from a professional animal lover (haha)!  Hopefully when your son hears the same thing coming from your vet he may understand a little bit more.  Maybe then he won't blame you so much.  He truly will want his pet to be happy, and I think he will let her go.  Be prepared for lot's of tears, and maybe a new puppy for a surprise for Christmas, if you feel like trying it again!  Good luck with everything, I hope it all works out! 

I am having a problem with my 9 year old. She is very shy and is unable to speak up for herself. She has many fears. She has reflux and IBS. In school a boy has been calling her names and saying she has no friends.This has been going on for about a month now. I have just been able to get her to tell me what is wrong. She is scared. I believe she thinks girls don't like her but they do. It is hard for her to play with friends at lunch time.  It has made her sick. Stomache aches and headaces. It takes her 2 or 3 hours after she comes home to get over this.

 

I have spoke with the teacher and she is suppose to be checking into the matter. Seeing exactly what is happening and going on. But in life this will happen alot. How can I help her to overcome this? She is a happy child but cannot handle anything bad, loud noises or crowds.

 

I just don't know what to do to help her. She has come a long way. She was worse when she was a baby. Scared of people. Needing adjusting times when arriving places. At 6 months old I couldn't put her in a grocery cart because she screamed in complete fear. We have come a long way but we are stuck at this point.

 

Please help!!

I have never heard of this in my life until last week, and I'm  "old"! 

However this technique was used on my 5 year old grandson, who was traumatized beyond belief.  So I started researching it a bit.

The makers of these things even say that they can be dangerous and are for urgent care, not to be used to the convenience of the dentist or parent.  They are mostly desgined for autistic or otherwise handicapped children in emergency situations.  NOT to make a more cost effect office setting, aka get 'em in, get 'er done and get another kid back here.

When they strap the children down, then add the dental dam if the child has been crying, which I'm sure he has, he can hardly breath, and he can't communicate to ANYONE if the numbness has wore off or if the dentist has hit a hot nerve. 

Some children litterly panic, surprise surprise, and still continue to thrash about.  Arms, wrists and even a couple of legs have been broken due to the assistants, who may well be the parent, still trying to hold the child down.

While searching the internet on this I found a few news reports on this and it shows some video and interviews with parents and children.  The videos are VERY upsetting!

There are very strick guidlines as to using restraints on our elderly, but there seem to be none of tying up our children for many times frivolous dental care.  Really, how bad can a 2 year olds teeth be, they've only had them about 18 months!

I have found that dentist are no longer taking the time needed to ease the anxiety of children and would much rather just strap them down and go at it.  I've put a lot of time trying to gather up as much info as I can about this and put it at debbiehagan.blogspot.com so I can show people what is happening.  Especially if you are like me and had no clue anyone would do this to a child. 

Please if you know any dentist who are doing this to your children, find a more experieced and patient dentist.  God only knows what the long term consequences are going to be for these poor kids.

If you are relying on medicaid coverage and seeking dental care for your child, who is insured, watch out for this!  One company, called "Small Smiles" and in our city they were called "Smile High" has been known to have this type of BAD practice!

 

I took my twin daughters there for their first visit to the dentist when they were 18 months old.  Main reason for going there was it's close proximity to my home.  We are in a poor part of central Denver.

 

Strangely, and for the sake of my girls, I was involved in CNA clinicals at a local hospital at this time.  The very day, I spent several hours in a class at the hospital discussing the federal laws governing restraint of patients in hospitals and LTC facilities.  So, I was educated on this and it's ethical and moral issues.

 

When I got to the dentist, the first thing I had to do was read and sign a consent form for treatment which listed the 10 ways that the dentist might restrain my child for treatment.  This threw me, given the class I'd just had.  I was very surprised, this being my first experience taking kids to dentist, that this was a regular part of their practice.  When the clinician came out to call one of my daughters back, I got up and started gathering everyone up.  She said, "You can't go back."  I was aghast!  What do you mean?  Don't you see this is just a baby?  I will go with her, as well as her twin!  Well, none of the dentists will treat the child with the parent present, I was told.  I couldn't believe it! 

 

So, I asked for the records that I filled out and signed, as well as that restrain form.  I left.  Not before hearing a young dentist tell me that ALL pediatric dentists were trained in this practice of restraint and disallowing parents into exams.  He warned me that I would not another dentist in this city who would allow me to accompany my child into the exam.  I told him that my child would just not have dental care then! 

 

Next day, I took that form into class for my instructor to see.  She told me that EVERY form listed there was patently illegal practice with ANY patient in the US, by FEDERAL law.  So, my advice:  if you or your child is subjected to this practice when going to the dentist, call them on it.  Tell them you'll report them to the Dental licensing board for illegally using restraint.

 

Thankfully, we have found a great pediatric practice here in Denver which has wonderful doctors and staff.  They always allow me to be present for exams and NEVER use restraint or scare tactics for treatment.  They are clean, bright and have a great attitude.  And all my children, the twins are 9 now, son 6 and daughter 3, enjoy their visits to the dentist without fear.  It's called Primary Dental and they are located in Wheatridge, CO.

 

I have heard some horrible news reports about children subjected to numerous root canals on their baby teeth in one visit.  These are primarily done on children who have medicaid coverage.  And it's been found that these dental practices are using any way they can to overbill medicaid.  Some ex employees interviewed told of promotions and expectations of employees to add services to pad the bills to the government.  Adult practices won't even do more than two at a time!  Another report about a 6 yr old boy who was so severely restrained that the dentist broke his leg!  So, please, you owe it to your children to find another practice, if this is happening to them.  LISTEN to them about their fears if they are distressed about visiting the dentist! 

 

Good luck and take care.

 

MY GRANDDAUGHTER IS 6YEARS OLD. mY CONCERN IS HER MOTHER MOVE THEM IN WITH A 27YR.OLD GUY WHO HAS BEEN GOING BACK AND FORTH HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH HER MOTHER AND HER 21YR.OLD SISTER. i CONCERN HE MAY DO SOMETHING TO HER. i FEEL THIS IS WRONG WHAT HES DOING BETWEEN SISTERS! aND OUR WHOLE FAMILY IS FIGHTING OVER THIS I NEED SOME ADVICE!