Topic : General Advice

I guess I have learned from my family to never keep secrets like this. The results can be painful now that you have hidden this. When I was 12 I found out that my aunt was not my aunt but my sister. You wanna talk about being upset. I was and it made so much sense when I found out.  My sister too   found out who my mother was when she was around 8 years old when a realtive spouted out oh that's Bec's daughter Charolette.  You want to talk about being stabbed in the heart. It was to her.  Everything was always done to protect my sister but the truth be it, my family should have been honest about who my mom was. It really is a terrible story and not at all my mother's fault. She was 15 and brutally raped by a man who was a repeat rapist.  I don't know the exact details, only from what my sister has conveyed to me because my mother will not talk to me about it.  The man who raped my mom was put on trial and got off  and soon he went out and raped a woman who was 8 months pregnant. The violence of that rape killed the unborn child, for that he was carted off to prison. This was the 50's and I suppose that time era has alot to why he got off when tried for raping my mom.  For my sister though I feel she should have been adopted. There were people who wanted to but my grandparents did not want her to be. They wanted to raise her but they did not adopt her. So her life was shrouded in darkness. I don't know when it would have been appropriate for her to know all the truth but I feel that my mother should have been her mother from day 1 since they would not adopt her.  At one point, my mom claimed her and started to raise her and she has and is still a very involved mom to my 49 yr old sis. There was though lots of pain along the way because of not being told the truth. I too was not too happy that everyone wanted to pretend with me. I have a very meaniful, loving relationship with my sister today and am glad that I spoke up and got the truth. Kids are so smart too, they will figure that out.  I though don't know when you should  properly start talking about this. Think too of how deprived they will feel later in life not ever getting a chance to know their other siblings. Give them that gift.  I know I was given that gift from the age of 12 and so grateful for it!

As for your husband, I am sorry he did not keep fightening for his kids and gave up. I know that you say his ex is vengeful. That could be but a dad is never to stop trying and fightening for his right to see his kids.   He might have lost contact but if he really does care to be a father to them, he needs to get involved in some sort of father groups that help dad's like him be able to do something for his kids.

I have found with my own marriage and seeing the interaction with my son and daughter with my husband( their daddy :)) how important it is for a dad to be in their life.  It is important that our kids know how much we love them and for your husband to step up and try to see them, it is teaching his kids from his first marriage and with your kids from seeing what he is doing that he wants them, he loves and cares for them.  That is the most powerful thing that he can do for them and if they don't realize it now, they will in the future know he did it because he loves them. 

My own dad has left this earth and I often reflect on the things he did for me and how lucky I am that he loved me.  If he loves his children, he needs to stand up and try to get them back in his life.  I don't think we  sometimes don't realize how important we are to our kids, but we are and if we aren't there, they can spend a lifetime of regret and often wishing that their dad was in it. Don't allow a vengeful ex wife to stop from doing the right thing.

I can understand how you are feeling; on one hand, she is ‘hinting’ to give money for the kids’ savings accounts; on the other hand she is saying ‘but I don’t trust you with the account number…’ Now, I really doubt that is what she is trying to say- take a step back and really think about it- why would she believe you would steal money from the kids? She doesn’t think that, she is only trying to protect the numbers from landing, somehow, in the wrong hands. Could she have gone about this in a different manner? Absolutely! But that doesn’t mean you and your husband shouldn’t go to their home, please don’t allow her lack of tact to affect your relationship with these precious children. (From my own personal experience, my kids do get too much stuff at the holidays, and I wish I could limit the amount that they get- however, it comes from the heart, and I am not comfortable doing what your grandchild’s mother has done!)

The best thing to do is to be the bigger person and call her- let her know that you got her letter, let her know that you understand that the kid’s can only have so many toys, but, you have already finished your shopping for the children, and then, ask her if you can give the children these gifts, or if you should return them. It will feel good to be the bigger person, to keep your relationship intact.

In my opinion, I wouldn’t feel comfortable giving cash to the parent to deposit; what if the money doesn’t really go into the account? Instead, a good way to handle this situation is to buy the children savings bonds. This is a perfect compromise!

my son is now not only noticing things about other people, which he has been doing for awhile, but now is is asking questions that i can sometimes answer, but comments i cannot get him to stop, he will say people are fat, and i tell him that not a nice thing to say, he says hes sorry, and a few weeks will pass and he'll say it again.  he told his cousin who is the same age as him that her hair is ugly because its curly, and she told him her mommy said she had beautiful hair and ignored him, and once again i talked with him, and he hasnt said it sence, but that was onyl a few days ago.

in other ways,  he is very well mannered, for example, a few days ago he heard someone ask" is she hot" and he spoke up and said no...shes beautiful. and he is always correcting people if they say something he considers mean, or is the use bad language, he'll tell them its not nice. or if someone calls someone a name..even a brat or something, he speaks up an says that it hurts their feeling so be good. so its like he knows, but he doesnt listen to himself at times, and im not sure how to get him to stop, because saying those things could really hurt a persons self esteem, especially if said to another child.

any advice???

Ok, so this is a tough one.  I have been told that I am being way off base with what my child needs. 

First my daughter goes to see her biological father several times a year.  This year, I offered thanksgiving.  Needless to say, it was one of the toughest times I have ever had to deal with when it comes to travle plans. 

I was asked if my daughter could miss school so that the stay could be longer, which I wasn't too keen on, but, agreed because of guilt.  I got her school work ahead of time so that she would not fall behind.  Somehow making myself feel better about makign such a bad decision.

Next comes her return plans.  Well, I had asked that she be home at noon or before, basically I said in the morning on the day before she is to go back to school.  I had heard nothing and she was already visiting at this point.

So I finally call and get told that she is driving 12 hours to get home and will be here in the evening.  I just didn't think that was acceptable for her.  I mean really she goes to bed at 8pm and would get home a couple hours before.  I thought by saying she is to home in the morning that it was understood that I was looking out for her, and her being able to get back into sorts after her trip.  Now we add in a really long drive on top of it and I get told it makes no difference when she comes home. 

Am I really being that off base with wanting my child to be able to home well before she has to go to bed for school the next day?  She will have been sleeping most of the time for the drive here, and may not want to go to sleep at 8. 

I just feel like my parenting ways are being disrespected, and that I am being told that I dont know how my child is, or will react under certain circumstances.  Thanks

i am so confused on what to do with my 3 and 4 year old daughters.  they are very destructive little girls.  take this evening for example...i was gone running evening errands and my husband was watching them. well, while he was busy watching sports center, they got out the rocking horse, climbed up it and took all the ornaments off the tree and ended up breaking 6 of them. then i told the 3 year old to go in the kitchen and get a box of browies out of the grocery bag that my grandma had given me with socks and what not in there for them. well she didn't tell me there were scissors in there...so she cut her hair and we are to get family picutres done on the 10th of december! and then after all that, they got ahold of the baby powder and doused themselves from head to toe in it. i spanked them and gave them bathes and put them to bed....but i am at my wits end with them! i don't know how to get them to stop being so destructive and to make them respect me more. i need help...please let me know if you have any suggestions. it is greatly appreciated.

Would you mind something from an old lady? I've raised 4 kids...the youngest is now 6, though his siblings are much older than he b/c I was 42 when he was born. The other three were the ones that all grew up together. It's been my experience that kids will take ANY kind of attention they can get....even if it's negative. Could be that you're the typically overworked, overstressed mother with too much on her plate...like so many of us are. Maybe your girls are clamoring for attention from you...just some time with MOM, you know? Kids are desperate for love and approval from their parents. And they'll go to any lengths to get it. I found through trial and error that positive works better than negative. Kind of head things off before they get to a boiling point, if that makes any sense. It's hard to spend the one-on-one time with your kids when you've got so much else to do. I made my mind up a LONG time ago that there were just some things that didn't rate as important as spending time with my kids was. Clean house? There's time for that when they're older and not so demanding time-wise. Supper? Make it quick and easy. Kids don't like fancy dinners anyway. Laundry? Get them to "help" you. Even very small children can learn to sort clothes, and they love to pour the soap in and pull clothes out of the dryer. It seems to take longer to do it that way, but in the end it's worth it. And is hubby like most and blissfully unaware of the role HE needs to take here? If so...good luck with that. I never did discover the magic cure for a husband who just wants to veg out at the end of a work day. He *should* turn off the sports channel and spend some real time with them. Watching them isn't interaction. I know how hard it is to do errands with small children...I wasn't *allowed* (boy, things have changed in my house I've come to realize, lol) to leave the kids when I had to go out. But maybe you could have taken ONE of the girls...that way  you could spend the time interacting with them. It takes a wee bit longer to get something done...but the time spent is well worth it.

Sorry...just some remembrances here of what I had to go through, and the mistakes I made myself. And the lessons learned from them...........Good luck...

Hi,

I have been separated for the past 20 months. My 15 yr old (soon to be 16) has been living with me since Dec. of last yr. He tried living with his father and couldn't deal with it. His father loves him, but is a very controlling and manipulative individual. In May of this yr his father started dating, a "former" friend of mine... hence the reason it is "former". I have been very civil, even going out of my way to talk to them when we are attending the same functions.

I am in a relationship... for the past 5 mos. It is going very well and I have respected my son's request that my boyfriend not stay the night. I however, will stay one night at my boyfriend's and have discussed this with both my children... I also have a 13yr old daughter. My son, bottom line, can't deal with my "dating". He has also let "slip" some of what his father has been saying and from what I can understand he is being told that I care only for my relationship and not for him! I play volley-ball on Wednesday nights... this was even before my "relationship". However, I am home all the other nights of the week and on Sunday evenings. My boyfriend is very accommodating and does not want to interfere with my relationship with my children. My daughter feels that I am being fair and accessible... even when I am away, I am accessible.

I just feel overwhelmed. Trying to balance everyone's needs and be fair and not feel GUILTY. Now my son wants to stay at his father's during the week and my place on all weekends... this I know is his father's plan. My ex is now saying that he has "full" custody and has dropped support payments for my son!

I would really appreciate some advice. My son is being used as a pawn and I don't want him to be "dragged" into this, however, I do have a right to my social life and my building my personal relationship. It seems I can't do enough!!!

Help please!!!

I know there are a LOT of people who will likely disagree with me on this. But when you have children...their needs are to be considered first. You are the boys' mother. And I can tell you from personal experience and observation that sons hold their mothers to higher standards than they do their fathers. He's not comfortable with his mother having an OBVIOUS sexual relationship with another man. Is that fair to you? Likely not. But you had him...and just b/c he's a teenager doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings about issues like this. If he were a very small child...you could spend the night with your b/f and no one would be the wiser. Taking into consideration that the child was at dad's, grandma's, etc. for the night. You might be accessible, but that isn't what he's looking for. Your son is going to have a hard time accepting someone into your life in this way. At least it would appear so. You're going to have to put your life on the back burner for the time being. Right now, he needs you in a certain way. He doesn't want your boyfriend spending the night, and he doesn't want you spending the night over there. That doesn't sound fair...but you're his PARENT. Your son's feelings of your not caring for him and only caring for your b/f might be his own. Kids don't need coaching for those feelings. He's likely still reeling from your split with his father, and hasn't adjusted to those feelings yet. It takes a lot of time for kids to recover when their world as they thought it is shattered.

Just so you know...I'm certainly not holding myself up as some saint here. I too separated from my kids father, and it took me three YEARS before I started reclaiming my own life. And that was after a lot of talks with my kids...and all of us getting our lives in order. It didn't come easy. I'm not saying you don't have a right to your own life...you certainly do. But right now your son is hurting, and he is your life. Until he's got one of his own, and has started his own life...he's still very much a part of yours. When I started dating, I didn't spend the night. My b/f didn't spend the night. I just didn't think that it was the kind of thing my son needed to try to accept about his mother. He wasn't ready for it. Now..we all live together, and quite happily. My son's father died during our separation, and he's now got a great relationship with my SO. All four of my kids adore this man. He's the only father my 6yo knows. My kids know they have someone in their life that will walk through fire for them the same as their mother would.  A lot of people would judge me for choosing not to marry this man, and making him my life partner instead. These are all issues that my children and I discuss and it's just something that isn't that big of a deal. I've been with this man over 3 years now...and he is truly my life partner. I wouldn't have taken this step with him if I didn't think it would be that way. I would have just stayed on my own. But enough about me.

I sooooo understand about you wanting to reclaim your life. I understand about the loneliness, etc. that comes from being on your own. Been there, done that. But until your son is at a place in his life where he can come to terms with it, you're going to have to keep your relationship to where it's not so "in your face". There are ways to be intimate with your b/f that your son doesn't have to be aware of. I know you have an open and honest r-ship with your kids, and that's great. But their mother's sex life is something they don't need to know about.

I wish you much luck with reclaiming your life, and continuing forward. Happiness with your children and any future partner that may enter your life.