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Topic : General Advice

Number of Replies: 465
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 12:00:07 pm
Author : dataimport
Share advice and support with other parents of pre-schoolers and school age kids.

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September 14, 2005, 8:55 am CDT

Fear Of Death

This is all very new to me and i'm not sure if I am even writting this on the right board.  I need some advice about my 9 year old son Jose.  About a year and a half ago he was watching cartoons before bed and suddenly came running into my room crying his heart out.  He said he was afraid to die and that he didn't ever want to die.  My husband, Mother and I had a real hard time calming him down.  Well yesterday I thought I should prepare him for the up-comming absense of my Mother's elderly cat Sharp, ( My Mother lives with us) because I plan on taking him to the Humane Society today and having him put to sleep.  I dont want to do it but he is so old (well over 100 in cat years) that he can hardly walk.  I tried to tell him what would happen the next day in a calm comforting manner. Telling him that Sharp was very old and tired and that he was in pain and this would be the best, kindest thing to do. I also told him that Sharp would be going to heaven to be young and happy again with all of the other pet's we have all had over the years that have passed on.  Jose wasn't going for any of it. He cried and wouldn't let me hold him or talk about it any more. In fact he got up and left the room.  I let it drop for the moment and waited to see if he would come to me. He finally did to ask if he could take pictures of Sharp to remember him with & of corse I let him.  I just dont understand where this fear has come from or why.  Sense Jose's birth we have never lost a close friend or relative in our family.  The only one who has died that he know's of is a Guinea Pig we had and Jose didn't show any undue grief over his death.  How can I find out where this fear is comming from and why?  How can I help him?  Jose is very close with his Grandma (my Mother) and I am afraid of what will happen to him when she is gone (God forbid).  My Mother is 69 and overweight. She also has numerous health problems.  What should I do?
 
September 20, 2005, 6:30 pm CDT

Need some advice

This might take a bit of explaining so you'll have to bear with me. My name is Rick & I'm an 18 yr old College Student from England. During the Summer Holidays the Assistant Manager of the Cancer Research Store I volunteer at brought in her two Nephews (the youngest being ten & the oldest being eleven) on a number of days. I get along pretty well with the pair of them as well as the A.M. and her Mother. 

 

Most recently I found out about the boys family background : They were completely rejected by their Mother and now have (from what I can tell) no contact with her. On top of that because their Father travels around alot they bearly see him. I was told that the A.M. & her Mother went to court and won custody of the boys & they now live with them. 

  

Now on to the part I need advice on : 

 

At the weekend while the two boys were visiting the store I got chatting with the eldest of the two boys. When we went up onto the Store roof (there's like a stair way you can use you go up onto it) it was brought to my attention that he smokes ! At 11 ! This has seriously troubled me since he told me. What really tore me up though was when I tried to explain to him about the side effects (not enforcing them upon him - just politely explaining) he just replied with (when told about the shortened life span) "Oh well I'd only spend that hour causing trouble" ! 

 

I know I probably have no right to interfear but this has been seriously bugging me. The thing is I think my A.M. might have a part to place in this. She always seems to be praising the Youngest boy and Scolding the eldest. 

 

Apparently the eldest has some behavioural issues that they have been seeing Doctors & such about which probably stem from his Family background but could that cause him to want to smoke ? 

 

I know he's a good kid , I just know it - I just think he needs some moral support/guidance rather than being scolded. He's alright most of the time when he's with me - I mean sure he can be abit rude & doesn't always listen when you ask him to do something but what 11 yr old doesn't ? 

 

I would approach my A.M. about this but on some levels I worry that it might not be my place to say as I've not seen how the boy acts at home & she might take it the wrong way. 

 

I'm sorry I'm really rambling on now but if anyone could give me advice on what to do her I'd be most greatful. I don't really get a chance to see him all that often but I know if I could just sit down with him on a regular basis and just talk with him that I could get through to him I just know it ! 

 

I don't know if Robin reads this area but if you do I'd appreciate your input on this issue. 

 

Thanking you all in advance , 

 

Rick Cole 

 

KEY : A.M. = Assistant Manager 

 
September 20, 2005, 7:17 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: brit_angel

This might take a bit of explaining so you'll have to bear with me. My name is Rick & I'm an 18 yr old College Student from England. During the Summer Holidays the Assistant Manager of the Cancer Research Store I volunteer at brought in her two Nephews (the youngest being ten & the oldest being eleven) on a number of days. I get along pretty well with the pair of them as well as the A.M. and her Mother. 

 

Most recently I found out about the boys family background : They were completely rejected by their Mother and now have (from what I can tell) no contact with her. On top of that because their Father travels around alot they bearly see him. I was told that the A.M. & her Mother went to court and won custody of the boys & they now live with them. 

  

Now on to the part I need advice on : 

 

At the weekend while the two boys were visiting the store I got chatting with the eldest of the two boys. When we went up onto the Store roof (there's like a stair way you can use you go up onto it) it was brought to my attention that he smokes ! At 11 ! This has seriously troubled me since he told me. What really tore me up though was when I tried to explain to him about the side effects (not enforcing them upon him - just politely explaining) he just replied with (when told about the shortened life span) "Oh well I'd only spend that hour causing trouble" ! 

 

I know I probably have no right to interfear but this has been seriously bugging me. The thing is I think my A.M. might have a part to place in this. She always seems to be praising the Youngest boy and Scolding the eldest. 

 

Apparently the eldest has some behavioural issues that they have been seeing Doctors & such about which probably stem from his Family background but could that cause him to want to smoke ? 

 

I know he's a good kid , I just know it - I just think he needs some moral support/guidance rather than being scolded. He's alright most of the time when he's with me - I mean sure he can be abit rude & doesn't always listen when you ask him to do something but what 11 yr old doesn't ? 

 

I would approach my A.M. about this but on some levels I worry that it might not be my place to say as I've not seen how the boy acts at home & she might take it the wrong way. 

 

I'm sorry I'm really rambling on now but if anyone could give me advice on what to do her I'd be most greatful. I don't really get a chance to see him all that often but I know if I could just sit down with him on a regular basis and just talk with him that I could get through to him I just know it ! 

 

I don't know if Robin reads this area but if you do I'd appreciate your input on this issue. 

 

Thanking you all in advance , 

 

Rick Cole 

 

KEY : A.M. = Assistant Manager 

Sounds like you really care for this kid and that is to be admired. Coming froma n abusive and disfunctional home myself, I undersatand a little about what this child may be thinking. In all honesty, I think you should just try to be there as much as you can and be nice and caring towards him. Maybe you can be like a big brother to him and invite him to a ball game or something that he is interested in. Befriend him and compliment him when you can. Talking to your A.M. could cause a little bit of a problem even if it is just some insecurities or may build some tension in her. Maybe you can approach her and talk to her about playing a role in his life and offering to babysit and do things with him,This way, you will come in contact with him and get to know him. Be an encourager and help him with his homework, I know with my self, I had some great mentors as a teen ager and if it were not for them, I am not so sure where Iwould be right now. Be a positive influence in his life, be honest but caring as well. And in time, he will thank you for it. Don't expect anything in return as it sounds like he needs some self esteem built up and all, just be his friend and be there for him. It will be better then risking your relationship with your A.M. and it will be worth it.
 
September 20, 2005, 7:31 pm CDT

Thanks

Quote From: jettav

Sounds like you really care for this kid and that is to be admired. Coming froma n abusive and disfunctional home myself, I undersatand a little about what this child may be thinking. In all honesty, I think you should just try to be there as much as you can and be nice and caring towards him. Maybe you can be like a big brother to him and invite him to a ball game or something that he is interested in. Befriend him and compliment him when you can. Talking to your A.M. could cause a little bit of a problem even if it is just some insecurities or may build some tension in her. Maybe you can approach her and talk to her about playing a role in his life and offering to babysit and do things with him,This way, you will come in contact with him and get to know him. Be an encourager and help him with his homework, I know with my self, I had some great mentors as a teen ager and if it were not for them, I am not so sure where Iwould be right now. Be a positive influence in his life, be honest but caring as well. And in time, he will thank you for it. Don't expect anything in return as it sounds like he needs some self esteem built up and all, just be his friend and be there for him. It will be better then risking your relationship with your A.M. and it will be worth it.

Thank you that has helped me out a great deal. Being the youngest person in my family (literally I'm the only teen in my family lol) I guess I feel an older brother mentality towards him ya know ? Like I said he is a good kid he just needs someone to help build that up. 

  

I've complimented & praised him on various occasions due to things like what he might happen to be wearing at the time or (in the case of when he was in during the Summer Holiday) if he has helped me around the store. When I saw him after his first week back at school he told me he had avoided getting into a fight & I praised him for that too. Yet it seems he's been getting into trouble at school again. 

  

I've been considering offering to babysit actually. As both my A.M. & her Mother work on a regular basis I was going to offer but I didn't know if that might be taken the wrong way too ( yes I think into things too much ^^; ). What do you think would be the best way to bring up the idea ? 

  

I know I shouldn't expect anything in return I just feel like he needs someone to be there for him and be a strong male rolemodel (no offence ladies) as he doesn't really have what I would call a stable Father figure. 

  

Thing is - he has asked me about my family on a number of occasions and each time has said "Do you live with your Dad ?". I feel abit uneasy talking to him about my family as both my parents are thankfully still together & he always seems to say 'with your Dad' & not 'with your Mum & Dad'. 

  

Anyway I'm rambling again lol Thanks once again ^_^ 

  

- Rick - 

 
October 4, 2005, 3:29 pm CDT

This isn't your fault

Quote From: amirmikey

Hello everyone I am new to the forum so please bear with me. I went to my son's school today because his teacher wanted to have a confrence with me.I go and she asks me if my son has any mental problem or if I did drugs while I was pregnant with him. I told her NO to both.She stated that he does nothing at all he acts as those he is confused and his brain is out in no mans land, and only talks to say "My mommy will be back". My son has a issue because his dad left a couple years ago and now has the fear of being left by me which would never ever happen. I feel like its my fault that he is not doing anything in school. He does everything at home but not at school. I called the hunnigton and Sylvia learning schools to see if they could help him and they canm but I can not afford 40.00-46.00 per hour a week. I have no money...I get no child support. I am so upset that I can not stop crying because I feel like a failure as a mother because I can not help my child with what he needs help with.I am a bad mom. Its my fauly. Thats all that keeps going through my head.Have any of you went through this and what did you do that helped your child? Any and all info would great.Thanks for listening to me.
I don't think any of this is your fault, I don't know the circumstance of what happened when your son's dad left, as far as what went on and everything. But from what you described, I feel he was traumatized and definitely needs to be in counseling. I don't think he is to young either. They may be able to find out what is really going on. The fact that he is fine at home shows he is at peace when he's with you. I still am just shaking my head at what the teacher had the nerve to ask you, I can't believe the thing's that people can just ask a person, I mean do they think there perfect enough to try and say that has to be why your son acts the way he does (at school). C'mon. I would really try and get him into some sort of counseling (outside the school). And there has to be some sort of help, I know you said you didn't have the money for the one on one training program. Contact the health department in your area and hopefully they can guide you or your local DHS they should have a list of counselors who you can go to for free or at least a very low cost. Good luck to you and remember this isn't your fault.
 
October 5, 2005, 10:30 am CDT

Could it be possible???

Quote From: youngmom23

My five year does the same thing I know that there is 2 years differnce but I was with child and she hit my tummy and said Ha Ha I hit baby and had a lot of anger towards me. I just reciently found out that he father has been sexually abusing her and that is why she had so much anger towards me, Is it just towards U. I know that no parent wants to think of this but it happens I never thought that it would happen to my childern becuse no one watches them but family and her father just came into the pitcher a few months ago and she got way worse then what she did. I would just check into it it could just be the age 2 tantrums that everyone talks about,   Just thoaught I would metion to u just in case. 
I have been thinking about what has been said, and have recently been thinking do you possibly think this could be related to FAS. During this pregnancy I did drink on a few occasions, :( regretfully and now worry that these temper flares could be related to FAS. But no these tempers are not directed towards me only, occassionally she does do the same things with her father and older siblings as well, but more towards me. When i think of the times that i did drink during pregnancy i do feel terrible, because i think of how it can affect her in the long run. i did talk to a nurse about my drinking once, but she said that she doesnt believe that my baby will have much troubles because she is very smart and intellegent for her age. She is above average for her learning abilities. But do you think it could affect how she acts out. One of my thoughts were is that she is still learning how to effectivly show her anger in an appropiate manner. Because when it comes to anger, i honestly don't think she has great role models, i am not saying THAT WE HIT OR ANYTHING, but we do not discuss what is bothering us at that exact moment. But if anyone knows about FAS and thinks this may have something to do with it could you please talk to me and tell me how we can manage this especially because we do have another baby on the way and need to deal with how she expresses her anger. thank you for listening.
 
October 6, 2005, 12:49 pm CDT

Tired Mom....

Just to give you a little background, my daughter will be 5 years old in December, she is the youngest of 3.  Her dad and I have been divorced for over 2 years now and the kids visit their father every other weekend for basically 1 1/2 days.  My daughter has this strange and frustrating sleeping habit, that has just gotten worse.  About 2 weeks ago I moved the boys out of her room to give them their own space and some peace and quiet.  She seems to do ok, but there are a few things she insists on me doing.  She has 2 night lights in her room, she has to have the bathroom door open part way w/ the light on and she likes to have music playing.  Her latest thing is that she wants me to "check on her" and when she asks me if I will check on her, just saying "I will come up right before I go to bed and check on you" does not satisfy her.  She also wants me to wake her up in the mornings before I leave for work (which is very early) so she can watch cartoons.  She has gotten to the point where she throws absolute fits (kicking, screaming, yelling, you name it) if I don't give in to her.  She comes downstairs to my room 2 - 3 times a night and the other morning when I woke up to get ready for work, I noticed her curled up on the dog bed.  She has accidents from time-to-time in the middle of the night as well.  I don't think she is having bad dreams, she never wakes up crying.  I have a set routine, if you will, at bedtime and have even tried mixing up what goes on before bed time.  Nothing has seemed to help.  I just don't know what to do any more.  Help!!!!  

 
October 14, 2005, 8:44 am CDT

Help with Racism

I need some help with my 5 year old son. I am in the military. The town we moved to is all white and rather racist.  My son has already come home from kindergarten asking why God made black people and that their color skin hurts his eyes. I am horrified.  He only has one black boy in his class. His 2nd day care provider in Florida was black and her son Zoin was his best friend. I tried to talk to him about how he would feel if someone didn't like him because he has blue eyes. I pointed out that is nephew has brown eyes,  and so on. I have tried to find books that have multi racial kids in the stories. But I can't find any books on overcoming this, or kids stories. I am planning on getting a globe for him for Christmas so we can talk about cultures.  I will be moving him to the on base school for first grade which has a higher cultural mix. I try to watch shows like Medgar Evars, Mississippi Burning.  He saw some of  "A time to kill" and he wanted to know why the people were having fights in front of the courthouse. I am trying to approach it subtly.  Does anyone have any other ideas. We were planning on retiring here but now we are planning on moving back to Ohio because of the school.  Alexander is a surving twin. His brother Nicholas died from Air Force negligence, I know Alex did not survive to become a racial bigot.
 
October 15, 2005, 9:13 pm CDT

Children who tell fibs

My 8 year old son has recently started telling his friends fibs to make himself sound more interesting and this is really bothering me.  He has told them that he went to the ocean and saw a man attached by a shark (he has never been to the ocean), he's told them that his house caught on fire and he was the only one home and got to ride on a fire truck (the house has never been on fire).  I have tried to talk to him about this and let him know that he has a lot of friends and they like him for who he is and he doesn't need to make stuff up.  He says he doesn't know why he does it, it just happens.  I'm glad that he feels comfortable telling me about the fibs he tells so I know he's doing it but how do I get him to stop?  I just don't want the other kids to start thinking of him as the lier.
 
October 16, 2005, 10:20 am CDT

How do you know what is right?

 Desperately need some advice .          I am a 26yr old single mom of a very beautiful and intelligent 8 yr old. When I found out I was pregnant for her I broke up with her father because I finally saw who he was( Liar, Cheat and troublemaker). Well a couple of yrs ago he talked me into letting them meet. My daughter was quickly drawn to him but I realized he was never going to change. Shortly after he got into trouble and was placed behind bars.My Daughter didn't know him very long but she fell in love with her "dad" and now I am torn about what I should Do.  Should I let him fade like some distant memory?   SHould I tell my daughter that he is in jail???   I feel like she is happy and we have a stable home...
I never Bad mouth him...As a matter of fact I always remind her that He does love her very much and Im sure he misses her.   Do you think knowing her dad is a bad person will affect her?? Should I allow him to write or should I keep on telling my daughter that I am clueless to his whereabouts?
I dont want her to be angry at me when she gets older for not telling her, but on the same note I'm not sure if children should know that one of their parents is BAD.   PLease Help me If you can...
 
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