Topic : 04/07 Will Fights

I always find your posts to be like a commercial.  I don't get your own opinion or experience but a lot of book titles and web pages.  Are you a shrink?  Tell us something that doesn't sound like you work for Barnes and Nobles.

Last year, my mother passed away, leaving me the sole benficiary of her insurance policy.  I have 5 brothers and sisters, and divided the proceeds among us equally.  Each of my siblings said I should not have felt obligated to share, as my mother must have had reasons for her decision.  One sister even said that if she were in my position, she would not have shared.  I have never heard any of my siblings question my mother's decision or felt that anything untoward had taken place.  We love one another, and I am certain we always shall.  In life, my mother loved us all, but she never duplicated her time, attention, or fortunes with us.  She gave us exactly what we needed, when we needed it as individuals.  I don't think any of us ever felt left out or slightest.

 it seems possible that linda and her husband did influence the aunt to change her will. and it's commendable, in a way, that barbara is raising questions, even though she ended up getting more money in the 2nd will than she would have gotten in the first. she's not concerned about money; she's worried about how her aunt was treated.

but why would she -- or anyone mind if the "third generation" (linda's kids) got some money, too? there's no rule that says a person can only leave money to the genreation right after them. i've known people who "skipped over" their kids and left all their money to their grandkids. that'snot what i would do, but people can do it.

on the other hand, i don't know why the aunt got so upset when carol asked for an advance on her inheritance (if she did -- i know she denies it). this wasn't a request for extra money; it would have been balanced by her getting less later on (though the aunt would have had to change her will, anyhow, to ensure that balance).

it might have been better for the aunt to give linda's kids some money while she was alive and stillcould give out gifts, etc. then the will, itself wouldn't be in question, except, perhaps, if she had to change any specific amounts she was leaving to her nieces.


but, in the end, i agree with dr. phil. it is not worth tearing apart a family over a will. i've seen this too many times. hopefully, this family can mend. sometimes,i've seen people reconnect after a while, but other times i've seen these arguments lead to years of reprecussions.

ok, no matter what happens, linda and her husband will probably be glad their kids have that money for the future, etc. and, i admit, it's hard to blamd ehm. but no one else was seriously hurt, financially, and some gained, so i think now it's time to let it go and try to become a family again.

 you have such a wonderful attitude! too many people froget that their parents' money is still their money until they pass away (if some is left).  it's not  their kids', grandkids' or anyone else's until and unless the  parents both pass away or choose to give some money to their family as gifts.

Lesson learned, when a person excepects you to take care of them, and they do not, is a reason to change will.  Those girls should have kept in contact with thier Aunt, instead of letting one sister do it.  maybe then the aunt would not have been influnced by one. 

I know that i have changed my will several times as things change in my life and thiers.  The last few years of a person's life is very stressful, so the person doing the care taking should be given compastion, or every one pitch in and share the work'

 

 good for you and your siblings!when my dear mom passes away, my brother insisted he would help me with funeralcosts, etc (i lived near my mom. he lived 3000 miles away.) but i knew he was having some financial problems and told him that i could pay myself back from her (small) estate, if need be. he kept saying he would send me some money, but, in the end, he did not and i paid myself back, as i said. (he didn't try to object or anything like that.) still, many people told me i should demand the money from him, tell him off, etc. but i've seen too many fights over wills and will-related issues and didn't want  get intoe that situation. sadly, a few years later, my brother died, as well. i am so glad we didn't waste any time arguing over how things should be paid. unfortunately, i realize it doesn't work this way for every family and sometimes people get drwan into a fight they didnt want. i'm just gratefull it didnt happen to my brother and me.

My sisters and I lost our parents one year apart.  When Dad died, someone at work told me "now the fighting will start."  And I responded  "there is no material thing that I want more than the love and companionship of my sisters." 

We went to FL together to close the estate and laughed and cried our way through everything.  We even purchased look-alike outfits for ourselves.  We have since lost one of our sisters and we are down to three, but the love and companionship will always be there.  I am truly blessed.

Dr. Phil,

My father passed away in November of 2006.  We had a family business that I had left 10 years earlier, due to conflicts with my brother.  It seemed that everything has resolved and just before my Dad passed away he wanted me to move from Florida, back to Penna. to be a part of the business.  My brother and sister have been in charge of the business, but my DAD always kept his CEO status.  I went back to work at the business, and only after 3 months my father passed away.  In his will he left the business totally to my brother and sister, and I was supposed to receive cash inheritance instead of being an owner of the business.  My siblings are so jealous that I am supposed to receive the cash, that they have instructed my mother not to give me a dime, until she passes away, and if she needs any money to live on, she can use my inheritance.  My dad left her very well off, but being on a disability I had asked for some money to get by and my brother and sister said absolutely no way.  I can't understand how they can inherit the family business, live on a very comfortable salary, with all kinds of benefits, and they know that I don't even make $25,000 a year working part time and with my social security. 

I  can certainly relate to what those sisters are going through. 

 

My mom is still alive and my siblings and I are not close any longer.  There are four of us.   As children we were all raised the same but as years go by we change, some for the good, some for the not so good.

Our father passed away many years ago leaving all he had to our mother.  She did what she had to to survive without him.

 

Six years after he passed away she re-married.  Our step-father was a tough person to get along with, but he was "her" husband, and I respected that.  He left our mother quite well off.  But within 2 years of his death, everything he left to our mother was gone.  It was quite a substantial amount.

Only 2 of the 4 siblings are enjoying the fruits of his hard earned labor. 

 

At first I was so upset when I found out that my mother was penniless, that it made me sick.  I cannot lie, I was upset that my siblings got my inheritance.  So upset that I made myself sick.  When I tried to ask my mother questions about how this all happened, she said some very hurtful things to me. I am trying to forgive my mother and move on, because I believe that she does not realize how she hurt me.   

 

Dr. Phil is right!  I have since come to accept, but still don't like what happened to me and my other sibling and I am feeling much better now.  I have always been known as the "trouble maker" because I raise questions that they are not willing to answer, but only because "I" am the honest one and I say it like I see it. 

 

I'm still angry but as long as my mom is alive and I can see her....that is all that matters to me.  Let them deal with our maker when the time comes.  I sleep very well at night. 

 

I don't envy anyone who has to deal with this sort of treatment from "family". 

 

I think long and hard now about how "we" as human beings treat strangers when they bump into us better than we treat our own "family".

 talk about greed, hate and the splitting of a family, like many others i know first hand. my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the same year she retired from working all her life in 2003. for the most part she supported us 4 children by herself. previously before her diagnosis she had worked for a lady on a part time basis as a housekeeper who had love for my mother and when she passed had left  mom a small home on a pond. i being the oldest of the four, was a little disapointed when i found out that my mother had made the two youngest siblings the executor of her estate, but got over it. my mother was a baptised jehovahs witness along with my 3rd sibling and the youngest thinking about it. anyway i was working overnights at a local hospital and my youngest sister was staying at my moms to help out.  my sister would get upset if i stopped over and grabbed something to eat or took something to eat back to my apartment. so right when mom was about to start the first rounds of her treatments, my sister got angry and moved out  and took every bit of meat ,food out of my moms house claiming she bought it. needless to say i stopped by and said whats going on here wheres my sister and all the food. mom just said she left and took the food. i asked why and she said i dont know. " who bought the food and why is it gone" my mom says she bought the food. so for the next year and a half i would leave my job after the 11p to 7a shift and bring my mom to treatment at 8a. eventually over that same period of time i left my apartment and moved in with mom to make things easier. mom had surgery and started more treatments over a span of that same timeframe. slowly but surely fading, in pops the 3rd sibling feb. 2005  asking if i minded if she moved in. what could i say, it wasnt my house, but deep in my gut i knew trouble was a brewing. two weeks after her moving in she calls the local police and pulls a steak knife on me in which the police was gonna arrest her for but i said no (another mistake on my part). here you have this bible weilding person and the other hand a knife. obviously we didnt get along. this sibling believes if youre not of the witness faith that you are worldly and belong in hell, a real fanatic. my mother passes the morning of july 14, 2005 in my arms she took her last breath. a month later i was restrained from the house after i brought the local police there to talk to my sister for her confronting actions and knew that she was trying to get me out. the police and court helped that to happen. my two sisters sold the house for close to 400k and the oldest of the three girls(who lives in another state) and myself got 35k apiece while those two got alot more. the will said that what was left after expenses was to be divided equally among the four children 25%.  never happened.

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