Topic : 06/16 A Daughter in Danger?

Obviously this young couple has made some mistakes.   Even at 18, it's not a great idea to run off to a foreign country to live with a man you're parents have not met.   Like any young man, Abdullah should have made an effort to get to know Katherine's family and earn their trust.   If he is really interested in marrying her, he should still make this effort.

  

To Katherine's family--   why do you assume the worst intentions of Abdullah?  Because he is an Arab?  a Muslim?  a Palestinian?   Just because he is all of these does not mean his intentions to your daughter are bad.  And by the way, the Jericho, Palestine is not a war zone.   It is one of the more beautiful places on the planet.   You should go and visit, meet Abdallah's family.   A lot of the misunderstandings between your two families come from cultural differences.  Probably if you will meet them in person a lot of your fears for Katherine will be assuaged.

 

To Katherine:  I would like to share with you that I am American woman engaged to a Muslim Palestinian man.  We met when I was 27 and he was 29.   We have been together over two years and plan to marry in the near future.   We are very much in love, but habibti, don't underestimate the significance of cultural differences.   You should not expect this relationship to be easy just because the first two weeks feel like a blissful "honeymoon period".    Trust me.   And if you are considering marriage, it is very important that both sets of parents support you.   Your behavior has not endeared your family to Abdullah very well.   You need to fix that.  

 

To Abdallah:  Challas with the bitch and slut language.  That doesn't go over well here.   Get your visa, come to America, and try to do that in time for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner so you can get to know the family of the woman you intend to marry.   Maybe your intentions are good, but like any young man (in our culture) you actually need to prove that to the bride's family.   b'najah'

I do understand what you're saying. However,the young man"s father bought a 16 year old kid a plane ticket to go out of this country!!  If someone bought your child a plane ticket to ANYWHERE would you not want to know who they are or where they were sending her??.. What sort of person would do that to another family. I don't care what country you are anyone else are from,that not even the point.These two familes didn't even know each other, from what I understand.

And since when is Palestine the same country as Iran?

 

Palestine is not a totalitarian theocracy.    Iranians aren't even Arabs.

 

Get your facts straight. 

obviously shes not in control if she answers to bitch! thats because women don't get killed for the hell of it elsewhere! yeah and their women are treated worse than dogs wow wee sounds like fun! right,and that makes it okay to call women bitches,whores,and sluts right?This little boy treats this girl like s*** and you think the family is racist? he disrespects them thinkin he can do whatever the hell he wants.he also happens to live in a war zone or did you forget that?! who takes someone they supposedly 'love' into something like that?sure shes 18 but that just means she can be stupid and have to answer to only herself.lastly the family has a right and a duty to care for anyone in the family and voice their concerns.

i too met a man from the Middle east (Morocco) who within a few hours of speaking to me wanting to marry me.  These men are very convincing and charming.  They know what it is they seek, a way into the United States most often.  The one I spoke with for about two weeks said he was even told by their embassy to go after single moms.  Why?  I'm assuming because they might be ''desperate'' for a man to help them raise kids.  They were told to tell the women to get a good paying job and start saving money to bring them to the United States.  I noticed many of the women were overweight too.  Made me wonder if they weren't going after a ''type''.  He mentioned many of his friends had married westerners, and had the profiles on Myspace to prove it.  Women are falling for these guys, sight unseen and flying half way around the world to get married to men. 

 

I had to admit I was taken in by this guy but still had the red flags and the good sense to see this was just too much too soon.  Luckily I have a great friend who is Muslim, and he questioned the guy about what our wedding and marriage would be like.  The guy was in a huff saying my friend wanted him to treat me Muslim without me being Muslim.  My friend said as a Muslim he is to treat all women equally no matter their religion and that his bad attitude told him it was just a scam to get into the US by marrying an American.  After my friend questioned him, he began to back off of me.  He knew I wasn't going to fall for his game. 

 

I think this is more prevelant than we think.

I disagree with you on several points.  First of all, there is nothing wrong with marrying someone from different culture.  It is not easy, but it is not wrong.  There are sacrifices that have to be made on both sides, and it takes adjustment and education (about the other culture) from both parties.  But then again, that's not really any different than what needs to happen in a marriage between two people from the same culture.

Another thing that you said that I disagree with is that marriage is not for any 18 year old.  I got married when I was 18, and I could not be happier.  I also had my first child when I was 18.  I am a good mother, and my children are very well taken care of and they are well adjusted.  I don't feel like I am missing out on anything, and neither does my husband.  We have been married happily for almost six years, and being married and having children young has not stopped us from doing the things we like to do.  We are both college students, both about to graduate, and we have a great family on top of that.  It's not easy, but we get by.

That being said, I do think that what this girl did was pretty stupid.  She traveled a very long distance to live with someone she didn't know at all.  That is never a good idea, no matter how old you are.  She had absolutely no idea what she was getting into.  However, since she is 18, there really isn't anything that her family can do except pray that she is okay.  It's very unfortunate that she made these poor choices, but now she has to live with them and learn from them.  I hope everything works out for her, and I hope she is kept safe.  I also hope that parents who see this learn from it.  It is so important to know what your chilldren are doing, who they are talking to, and who they spend their time with.  It is also important to talk to your children.  The more that you talk to them about things, the less likely they are to get into trouble.  Communication is essential.

I belive that this boy is useing her. Because I been threw the same thing. But I went to Pakistan to meet this guy I met online. Thank GOD things are ok.

This is similar to my story, except that my daughter met her Pakistani husband in college and is now 26 and married to him. I always thought that estranged families were insane and didn't appreciate that life is so short - now I know that was a simplistic outlook. My daughter's husband is a supposedly devout Muslim that I've grown to strongly dislike over the years and she has chosen to distance herself from me and the rest of her family in order to make him happy.  When they started dating 7 years ago, I welcomed him into the family but gradually came to realize that he is not a good person. Just some of the reasons are that he talked her into an abortion that eventally drove her to attempt suicide, tried to scam me out of $15,000, and now refuses to let her come visit me because I'm not a Muslim and I'm divorced. She is planning to move with him to live with his family in Pakistan and raise a family there. Most likely I will never know my grandchildren, especially since they will be raised in a household where Americans are not respected (they think we're all like what they've seen on MTV via satellite). When I try to put my feelings aside and be a part of her life, she invents reasons to blame and hurt me, so I've been forced to distance myself just for self-preservation. I am completely heartbroken and have no idea what to do.

I agree that Katherine's family is having a major issue with his religion and country of origin, but the circumstances of how they met and how she already decided she was going to marry this man and hasn't even seen him is concerning. 

 

As well, you point to your marriage as an example of bliss cross culturally, but did you meet him on the internet and decide you were going to marry him before you met him and then moved with no job, money, or family support??  I think that would change the situation just a bit.

 

Abdullah clearly doesn't want to really get to know the family as he seems to make no effort to really speak to them besides to say he loves their daughter and is going to marry her no matter what.