Topic : 06/16 A Daughter in Danger?

 You say  "no matter what age," but I've noticed that most parents seem to have a "cut-off"point in their minds, whether they realize it or not. Those who refuse to let go at 18 or 21 will often do so, "all of a sudden," when their child is 30 or 35 or whatever. Suddenly, the parent who once insisted that "age doesn't matter, "is saying, "I can't tell him/her what to do -- he's/she's a grown man/woman now!" Sometimes this change coincides with when the son or daughter stopsliving at home, but not always.

Don't get me wrong. I know that this is a very serious situation. And I get what you mean about the difference between letting adult children "make their own mistakes" and standing by when they "put themselves in physical danger." But isn't that the same issue families face when a son or daughter decides, say, to join the army? Or to go into some sort offoreing service in a troubled country?

I don't blame this family for trying to ger Katherine out of this situation. But at some point, they may have to accept that she's a legal adult -- even if they don't see 18 as "adult"-- and has a right to make this choice, even though it may be a mistake. It's not so much a matter of "giving up" as it is of accepting reality.

I don't know if that time has come yet. Obviously, Dr. Phil doesn't think so. But it may eventually.


All this also brings us to the question of when someone becomes an adult? The law says 18, but Dr. Phil -- and many others say 18 is still "a child." Then again, such "children" are allowed to vote, choose to smoke, and endanger their lives fighting for their country. How do we make sense of this?

 I would say "the parent needs to try to stop them" b/csometimes our efforts just don't work. But other than that, I get the difference that you're pointing to.

 

I think Abdullah is right because he loved her and love is not wrong thing.

Wonder if Dr Phil would have the same point of view if it was a Jewish girl moving to Israel at the age of 18.  Israel is just as much a war zone as Palestine.  Wake up, the girl is 18 she can move wherever the heck she wants to.  She does appear to be truly in love with the guy.  Isn't that funny that a Muslim family has so easily accepted that their son loves a non-Muslim and has allowed her to be in their home.  You show me a Christian family that would show the same acceptance.

 

As far as the family goes it doesn't appear that they ever gave their daughter any affection.  She must love the attention that her fiance and his loving family give her.

I am reading alot of stuff about if you marry a muslim your child and you belong to the islamic relgion. Actually it's not true 0_o AHAHAHHAHA if you marry a muslim you don't have to become a muslim but you have to be a woman of the book , a Jew or Christian. You can keep your religion you child doesn't have to be Muslim but it would be better if they were. Also, women in the Islamic religion had more freedom when it was created then Christian women during the time they can divorce and they can take the child. It says in the Quran that the mother should have the childern because she is the best to raise them. Also, in the Quran it says that women are equal to men but women and men are different and have different duties in soceity, and I'm sorry if you have had problems with anyone from that faith but they were either extrememist or not real good true muslim. INfact :) I am in the same sitiuation as this story I love a guy who lives in Egypt and who I met on the internet and their are no problems and no brainwashing just pure love and one day we will be married so suck on that ;)!!!

The key word is brainwash.

 

Dr. Phil had mentioned that the girls meet these guys on the internet but that is not the case.  My daughter met a boy from the middle east in high school.

 

I watched the entire thing and could predict every step even down the the slowly increasing abuse and even getting her pregnant and force the abortion.  Just because these girls are eighteen does not make them know everything.  Even if they think they do.  Brainwashing is slow and gradual and before they know it they are done.  It is harder when you are on the outside looking in but it is easier too because you have more tools to work with and more strenght to fight.  It took a year to get my duaghter away from this boy but it will take a lot mor to help get her back.

 

But giving up is NOT what families do.  As a mother to give up on a child is to give up on your own life. 

It is not a problem with race or religion if you are strong enough in your own.  The problem is with those who use their religion to hide behind to create new rules.  The Quran as any other book written has been used both right and wrong.

 

Did you ever find were it was written that if the women didn't follow what was expected by the men that they can kill them without recourse?

 

Have you ever met this guy and lived and spent time with him?

Dear Dr. Phil staff,

I have spent time in Gaza and the West Bank twice, working for a charity. I am afraid that your staff has done very poor background checking on the story. Let me just outline some of the facts:

a.) There is no U.S. embassy in Gaza or the West Bank.
b.) The only U.S. embassy is in Tel Aviv.
c.) There is no airport in Gaza nor in the West Bank. There is only Ben Gurion airport in Tel Aivi.
d.) It is practically impossible from a Palestinian from Gaza to travel to Israeli soil. At this point Gaza is hermetically sealed. The only way to enter and leave is either under the U.N. banner or that of a charitable organization. I work with a charitable organization that delivers aid to Palestine and at this point it is impossible for this organization to enter Gaza.
e.) It is for all intents and purposes impossible for a Palestinian to enter U.S. soil without a marriage. When one of my friends married a Palestinian in Qualquilya several years ago, (West Bank) it took more than six months to obtain a permit. She was interviewed countless time by Homeland Security, the FBI etc.
f.) Gaza is a very orthodox Muslim place which means that in spite of what your camera showed the girl would have been unable to leave the home without some sort of head covering, much less a mini-skirt. Were she in the West Bank, say Ramallah, things would have been much more relaxed.
g.) Once she is married, her husband has all say about her travel and most of her activities. However, he is also obliged to not abused here, physically or emotionally. Within Myuslim tradition she has recourse.
h.) According to Muslim tradition the father ALWAYS retains custody of the children in case of a divorce. No if, when and but. It is inconceivable to me how and why the other featured woman (Not without my children) did not do this most basic of her homework.

Let us be honest - This is neither a bad or good culture. Children are not abused but the role of a woman is different.

That being said, the girl clearly put on a show wearing what she was wearing and how she presented herself. She would be unable to enter the street in her outfit. What her intentions were is unclear at this point.

Bottom line: It will be hard enough to get her out of Gaza even if she wanted to, mostly due the fact that Gaza is essentially an open-air prison. For the boy it means that if he leaves Gaza he will never, ever be able to return according to Israeli practices. He faces just as much of a tough decision.

The only way for her to leave is by for through the Rafah crossing into Egypt, which occasionally opens.

If she wants to bring the boy to the U.S. she is in a predicament:

a.) She needs to marry him there. In spite of her assertions this is possible.
b.) She needs to return to the U.S.
c.) She needs to apply for a visa for him here. This is a very drawn out process but if she can produce the marriage certificate he may be able to join her in six months to a year. I have been through the ordeal, this is not somehow contrived.

Thus your offer to fly her out is both out of touch with the facts, disregarding the facts on the ground and in ignorance of the prevailing culture.

I'll be glad to share these things in more detail should you be interested.

It should be clear that both the boy as well as the girl were lying through their teeth. Well, we all did some pretty stupid things when we were 18 or 29, did we not?

/re

I am sorry to say that these matters are not settled with the police but within a religious framework. By going to the police she disgraced him. She had other recourse.

Muslim countries do not leave women without rights and beatings (let's leave such excesses as Afghanistan and the Taliban aside) are not acceptable behavior. However, men make ultimate decisions in important matters that concern their wives.

If you endeavor into such an environment it behooves you to familiarize yourself with these matters, know how things work and then make an educated decision.

And yes, you better speak Arabic (or Farsi in Iran).