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Topic : 07/28 A Husband's Shocking Confessions

Number of Replies: 311
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Created on : Friday, November 16, 2007, 03:39:06 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 11/19/07) Should you stay in a marriage with your husband if you find out a secret that disgusts you? Michelle thought she had the perfect marriage until recently, when she found out her husband of four years, Wade, was a sex addict and compulsive liar. He admits to cheating on her while she was pregnant, but says since then he's been faithful. Michelle made Wade take an online polygraph test that he failed. Why is Michelle convinced Wade is having an affair, and what proof does she say she has? Wade says there's a simple explanation and wants to take another lie detector test to prove his innocence. When Dr. Phil reveals the results of the second polygraph, will Michelle's fears be confirmed or put to rest? Concerned for the well-being of their two sets of twins, will Michelle decide to divorce Wade or hold on to the hope that their marriage can be healed? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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November 17, 2007, 7:23 pm CST

No No NO.....

Michelle get out !!!
He's a dirty man. No woman deserves, to be treated with such disrespect!!!
 
November 17, 2007, 8:26 pm CST

how...?

Dr.Phil...how in the world do you ge these people to come on your show and subject themselves to lie detector tests  and public accusations??I watch your show every day and can never believe how these people allow cameras to be turned on them?
 
November 17, 2007, 8:56 pm CST

shocking

Quote From: biddyuser

I think she  should  get out as soon  as  possible.  My  second  husband was just  like him  and  I  lived  in fear  for  six  years.  I  finally  had  to  lie  and con  my  way  out.  I was stillscared for  the longest  time  until  one night the safty of  our  son was  threatened  I forgot  my fear  and went  after  him  and  forced  him  out  the door.  Boy  this  brings  back  some  pretty  nasty  memories.  This  can't  end  well if  she  stays.  I  would  type  more  but  my  computer  is gving  me  a  hard  time.

I'm so glad you were able to get out...We gals must be more careful of who we let into our

hearts and my goodness, why on earth do women let fiance's and boyfriend around our families/children before we know everything we can find out about them?

 
November 17, 2007, 9:15 pm CST

Get out!

Quote From: tina2010

You do need this crap he is a compulsive liar

 

Get out!

I so agree! That man looks like he just might be more than a brick shy of a full load! What a creep!

 

He makes my skin crawl by just watching and listening to him. How nasty does he have to get before

 

before Michelle realizes that he's hopeless. To think she became pregnant by him more than once

 

is incomprehensible.

 

He must have been dropped on his head at birth!

 
November 17, 2007, 11:18 pm CST

be careful and get out

 To anyone who is a situation like this with a cheater -- please be careful and get out now!! Don't wait -- it may seem to get better but they only do it over and over again. My ex was cheating on me and made his girlfriend think that she was the only one -- well there were many other women and the sad thing about all of it is that he now has a child with this girlfriend. It is bad enough what my kids went thru but now another one has to endure it. These type of men need to be castrated!!! They harm everyone who comes in their path without a second thought -- it is all about them -- get out and do it now!!
 
November 18, 2007, 4:38 am CST

This isn't anything new... just more people and more of it happening these days

My first husband was kind and loving before we got married (we lived together for 2 years, and never did I imagine what was in store for me after we got married).

2 months after we were married he turned into a monster.  These are just a few of the things he did during the 4 years we were married.

He was arrested for showing himself in a park to a couple of 13 year old girls and life went downhill from there.  He threatened me, beat me down emotionally, and made me do things I never thought I would do.  I would do what he wanted, just to keep some sort of peace in the household.

There were things that I would never have thought were possible, that he did...  I was young and stupid, and he caught me totally off guard.   I didn't understand where this monster came from.  I lived in fear everyday, that this person would harm his own kids, or possibly another stranger.

 
November 18, 2007, 7:53 am CST

Run while you can & DON'T look back!

Quote From: laneese

I have a particular interest in the 3 part series starting Monday.  I do want to watch it, but am fearful of the (personal) triggers that may be contained therein.  I have it set to TIVO as I do for all of Dr. Phil's shows, so that I can watch topics that interest me, or a loved one, which is most of the time.  I also TIVO so I can watch at a time that is more convenient for me to watch since I have a little one, and my husband has an aversion to Dr. Phil.

My husband is also a sex addict and compulsive liar.  As I have heard Dr. Phil say in the past, "How do you know he's lying?  Because his lips are moving...."  That is my husband.

We have been married for 6 1/2 years, and for the first 6 years, I was in full denial of the issues that were before me.  I had literally become brainwashed to believe that I was crazy despite the disturbing content within his porn addiction, the inconsistencies of his stories, his villanizing of me to my family, friends, and co-workers, his sexual abuse of me, his objectification and devaluing of me, his total emotional abandonment, anger, rage, denial, and projection of his shame on me.  If I found porn, it was my fault for looking, and I was a crazy f*ing "C."  He truly was incapable of believing anything I had to say at all.  If any fact was said by someone other than myself, it was indeed a fact or consideration.  Anything I had to say was immediately dismissed as my imagination, or I just didn't know what I was talking about, or "that's just stupid..."

If I questioned his obviously inappropriate behavior with clients, other professionals, or co-workers, I was made to believe that there was something wrong with my brain, because I was making these things up in my head.  He was in collusion with my mother as the two of them took comfort in one another blaming my "imagination" for the discontent in their lives.  The anger, rage, and distance that was a daily ritual from him became unbearable for me.  All the while, however, I portrayed an image of the perfect marriage and family to everyone else. 

To the outside, he played the victim so well.  He comes across as such a peaceful, understanding, empathetic man, but that is all an illusion.

His children from a previous marriage stayed with us for a while, (2005 & 2006) as we tried to blend the families. These children were violent, cruel, manipulative, (beyond what the normal difficult dynamics that can exist between step parents and step children) and they were openly abusive to our three year old daughter in my presence.     (They are 7 and 8 years older than she is) When their father was home, the children were angelic.  Anytime I would report their severe abuse, he would deny any issues... Therefore adding to his case that I was crazy, and that his children were fine.  They were just being kids, and I was the one with the problem. 

I had suffered from alcohol issues in the past, and unfortunately, during this time, I allowed myself to fall into that trap once again, late at night after the kids were in bed.  In my mind, I was going crazy, and I needed something to make the pain and madness stop, even if only temporarily.  In my mind, nothing short of suicide could stop the intense emptiness, so that is what I used to make myself stop feeling.  At times, we had loud arguments late at night because of this.

When I finally obtained proof of abuse to my then 3 year old, we removed my step son from school, (he was 10 at the time) turned him in to the police, and when they could not arrest him (because my 3 year old could say "what" happened, but she could not say "when" it happened) we put him on a plane back to his mother, who is out of state.  The other child was already back with the mother.

I was very stressed, teetering toward a breakdown, but tried to hold it together for the sake of my daughter.  The acting out from my husband, (extreme deviant porn, sleeping with my friends, playing the victim, etc.) increased, and I was not allowed to tell anyone about what happened to my daughter.  When I did, there was once again increased anger, rage, shame, and blame placed upon me, which I readily accepted. 

At this point, he was still in full denial of ever acting out sexually, and that the porn was something that "all guys did."   Also, during this time, he was sexually aggressive with me, at times continued thrusting when I cried out in pain, begging him to stop.  He also began waking me up in the middle of the night after I had gone to bed, and after using alcohol or other sedatives, and he would have sex with me, and I would not remember at all.  It became a shame game for me because I never remembered, and he would be so offended that I couldn't remember "such an awesome experience," so I began pretending that I did remember.

He is a gun enthusiast, and several of his favorite places on his computer back then were regarding how to hire a hit man, and how to get away with murder, how to clean crime scenes, etc.  That was scary to me, and when confronted, he responded with his usual..."you're just stupid."

The downward spiral continued until June of this year, when I turned to the Internet to find out what my problem was.   I started searching to find out what was wrong with me, because I felt to shameful and inferior because of his porn use. 

This is when my eyes were opened.

Dr. Phil's site, among others, helped me to realize that I was the co-dependent, or the co-sex addict.  That these behaviors were NOT normal, and that not only was I being abused, but coming to grips with the fact that I was allowing it to happen.  I had been in therapy for years, but once I got everything on the table, it was suggested that I attend an outpatient intensive therapy program.  I was gone from home for 14 hours a day, Monday through Friday, for 2 weeks, in an amazingIN YOUR FACE intensive program. 

My goal was to re-discover my sense of self, for me, but also so that I could model positive behavior for my daughter that I had never learned.  Up to that point, all I had taught her was how to pretend things were OK when they truly were not, how to smile, and hide real feelings.  This is what I learned, and I knew that I had to stop the cycle.  I wanted to learn how to safely and effectively express real feelings without fear of anger, denial, or retribution. 

In the two weeks I was in the intensive, I dealt with previously unknown childhood trauma issues, etc., as well as my accountability in all of this, which was very hard to face.  I learned that I do have a voice, and a reason to be alive.  I had gone from a size 14 to a size 4, (at 5'9") and nearly destroyed my face from picking from all the stress.  I learned that I have body dismorphic issues that I still struggle with.  During this time, there was no disclosure from my husband.  In his words, he was merely holding down the fort while the crazy wife got her therapy. 

AFTER my intensive treatment was complete, my husband regurgitated all of his affairs, lies, deceptions, becauase I had become stronger and he was afraid of losing me.  Now, he is so sorry, so regretful, and so ashamed of how he lied, cheated, and punished me for his wrongs.  I am the only woman he has ever loved, blah, blah... Those are nice words.  He went to the same place I did for a few appointments, but finances haven't permitted further treatment for him. 

He claims to be a changed man, and reformed, but just cannot seem to stop staring at other women, and internet attractions, etc.  Like the husband on the show, "isn't it convenient" that all his infidelities were in the past?  Does that somehow make them OK?  Why is it that it seems they cannot admit to the more recent activities...are they less forgivable? I know for a fact that I don't know the whole story, and his high horse of morality will not allow him to face his real self, therefore allowing the rest of the disclosure.

I have been sober from Alcohol for 10 weeks and counting.  We live in the same house, but in separate bedrooms.  There is no conflict, no sex, just more like roomates.  Our 5 year old shares the bedroom with me, and is excelling in her school.  She is currently in therapy also, and doing quite well.

My fear of watching the show is that it will reinforce the reality that I have to leave him, but our home is in foreclosure, there is no money, no support, no contingency plan, no nothing.  I had wanted to return to work when my baby was a year old, but was unable to because I wasn't "allowed" to.  He works in my family's business, and he didn't want me nosing in his affairs.  I realize that I am not a victim, and I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF, but this reminder might be too much.
  I am currently seeking employment again, we are moving into a rental together for financial reasons at this point, but he acts as if we "just need to move forward."  I agree with that, but I cannot do that until I have a better understanding of why his switch went off. I've been living in the fog of wondering when it will all happen again.  Then, if it does, how many years will be wasted then?  It is nearly 7 years now.... it might be 10 or more.

My journey is in my blog, though I've not posted in a month or so. 

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=200544800

Thanks for letting me get this out....and if you've made it this far, you're a real trooper!


First & foremost know & own the fact that this is HIS  addiction...........NOT YOURS! I too have been there & know first hand how devestating this can be.  The effects of HIS addiction & your PAST  inabilities to remain sober yourself (although initially thought to be only a means to numb the pain for you & hide your shame of him............sound just like that at this point............a thing of the PAST)   Please keep present & hold your head ever so high.  Do not  be intimidated or allow yourself to be degraded by him.  Listen to  and honor that little voice within you.  Stay SOBER,GET INDEPENDENT & NOT CODEPENDENT  & lead by example for yourr little girl.  Children are extremely intuitive & know or sense when things are not right..........and this is clearly soooooooooooooooo wrong.  A woman's shelter with PEACE & SERENITY will be 10,000 times better than moving to a rental with a man ~  who you couldn't  & shouldn't trust.  Trust is something that is earned & as far as I am concerned, this unfortunate soul has earned his way OUT of yours & your daughter's lives.  Trust him with her for NOT 2 SECONDS.  

 

Having dated my ex-husband for 3 1/2 years before  my daughter & I married him..........he was to become "Daddy to her" & life was supposed to be wonderful, he was the man who was too good to be true, I thought I knew him inside  & out ......yet, as it all turned out.................He was NOT  TRUE.    Two months after I married him & four days before he was supposed to adopt my daughter, I uncovered his deep dark secret past.   A life full of demons he had & continues to live with today.............almost seven years later.  As said in prior responses from others.............."A leopard DOESN'T change his spots"  - this is ever sooooooooooo true. 

 

To say it was easy to move to where we are today would not be so, because as a woman & mother I think there is so much internal dialogue that "we can fix this.........., yet the truth of the matter is that we can not...............only he can fix himself .  Send him on his way with blessings that he does, so that he doesn't destroy any other lives  & you move away from the past & the pain.  Easier said than done, but try to FORGIVE............you'll never forget, but do forgive so you move to a place of freedom for yourself.  Anger only errodes oneself.   You must make your daughter your priority above all else.  Without a strong , loving , supportive, self respecting mother , she will devalue herself & no mother wants that for their child.  The strongest influence in her life will & should be you.   Lead by example & hold your head high & know that "You are a Powerful Woman who is Deserving of Love & Being Loved in Return ," yet at this point ....let that  LOVE, be LOVE OF ONESELF!  Be good to you & move on.      Better to be alone than to be with someone & be so lonely.    Have faith in yourself & vow to do all that you need to do to make YOUR LIFE A WONDERFUL LIFE.   Life is what we make it & you can either continue to stay where you are & move to a rental which is totally ABSURD or you can CHOOSE TO MAKE IT WONDERFUL.    All we do in life is based on choices........I once learned years ago a little life saver that I will share with you..............hold your hand up ; palm facing you & look at your hand..............lable each finger & starting with the thumb  label it "RISK", index finger = "TRUST", middle finger + "LOVE", ring finger = "ACCEPT" , pinky  finger = "GROW"   & in the palm of your hand  = "CHOICE"   .....................the synopsis of it all is.............in life with  everything we do, we are taking a "RISK" & we must "TRUST " & "LOVE " oneself enough  to take that risk & from that "ACCEPT" the outcome as it be & from our experience "GROW" ....................to do it all is based upon a "CHOICE", so ............"CHOOSE to make YOUR LIFE WONDERFUL."     As Dr. Phil says so eloquently...............better to be in something for a year  & get out , than to be there for 1 year and a DAY!!!    Meditate & stay strong & KNOW that you are NOT the only one out there in this situation.   It is ever so present in this society , sadly to say.    Here is a little something to read &  think about daily.

 

 

                                                                   The Best Day Of MY Life

 

               Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever!

 

     There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did!  And because I did I'm 

                                                                 going to celebrate!     

 

      Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments,  

                the  many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to  make

                                                     me stronger.

 

       I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart.

 

       I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the 

         flowers, the birds.   Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.

 

     Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people.   I'll make someone smile.  I'll go out

        of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know.

 

    Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down.  I'll tell a child how special he is,

        and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care about them and how much they mean to me.

 

     Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful

                                                          things God has already given me.

   

       I'll remember that to worry is just a wste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan 

                                            ensures everything will be just fine.      

 

      Tonight, before i go to bed, I'll go outside and   raise my eyes to the heavens.  I will stand in  

            awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for                                  

                                                        these magnificent treasures. 

 

       As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best

           day of my life.  And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation

             because I know tomorrow is going to be ...........

                                                          The Best Day Of My Life!

 

 

                   All the best to you.    

                              Robin

    

 
November 18, 2007, 8:40 am CST

Wade and Jeffrey

Just when I thought there was no worse than Jeffrey.  In walks Wade.  I saw the previews; now they're saying he may be a serial killer?  Geeze lady, get out.  You're better off living under a bridge, in a box than to be in danger with this creep.  Dr. Phil, maybe Jeffrey's ex; Jennifer, can talk to her and make the journey easier.  She's been through this...  I posted this idea for another one of your stories not too long ago.  Kinda like a mentor for the wife.  However, if Jennifer is still not safe, its unfair of me to suggest this idea. 

 

Bye for now... pearl will be watching and I'll probably post again.  Dr. Phil, you may need more than one hankie for this 3-Part story.

 

Pearlhanna

 
November 18, 2007, 9:32 am CST

REPEATED INFIDELITY - MALE AND FEMALE

If you are with in a relationship with someone, you expect the relationship to grow and deepen over time; you expect a heart connection to be made and maintained.  You operate your life based on this expectation.  When your partner in the relationship does not or cannot make an emotional connection, the relationship becomes very painful.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight into personality types most capable of repeated infidelity are:

 

 

Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss  AND Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward  

 

Malignant Self Love:  Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin MAYBE The Professional Bachelors Dating Guide:  How to Exploit Her Inner Psycho by Dr Brett Tate

 

Get Me Out of Here:  My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland OR Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen OR Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger

 

Emotional Unavailability by Bryn Collins OR Overcoming Passive-Aggression by Tim Murphy and Loriann Oberlin

 

Aggression in Personality Disorders and Perversions by Otto Kernberg OR The Psychology of Lust Murder:  Paraphilia, Sexual Killing, and Serial Homicide by Catherine Purcell and Bruce Arrigo

 

Healing Anxiety and Depression (7 types of anxiety and depression) by Daniel Amen and Lisa Routh OR Getting Help:  The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Self-Assessment and Treatment of Mental Health Problems by Jeffrey Wood

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm

 

 

Though harder to spot, emotional abuse is easier to deny.  But just as physical abuse has signposts to mark its presence, emotional abuse, being a systematic attack on one's sense of self, has common traits.  Physical abuse comes in degrees of severity - emotional abuse also runs the gamut of intensity and damage.

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

 
November 18, 2007, 2:16 pm CST

spouses

I wasn't even married a week when I found out my husband had been married two times prior to our marriage.  He told me he had been married before but I ASSUMED it had only been once before we got married.  (I have to disclose that we knew each other three months prior to getting married.)  It broke my heart to find this out, mainly because I am in a marriage "till death do us part".  I had not been married previously  but was in several relatinships, both good and bad without the commitment of marriage. 

 

Marriage is hard.  It takes a lot of work from boh parties and,  I have to say, my husband failed at 2 marriages prior to our marriage, but he has worked so hard to make this one work , and it has. 

 

We just celebrated our 9 year anniversary...none of our closest friends and relatives thought we would make it even 2 years! We have been thru hell and back financially.....that has got to be the worst strain in a marriage, but we always have believed that as long as we have each other (and our son) and keep working at everything together, we will be o.k.  After losing our first home to foreclosure, we are now in the process of buying a new home that all of us are happy about. 

 

For almost 7 years, I was the sole supporter in our family.  My husband stayed home with our son until he went to kindergarten and it was the best thing that fo all of us.....no day care expense, no illnesses for our son, and just a peace of mind or all of us, knowing that our son had the best care possible with one parent home with him all day long.  I have alot of regrets, not being able to be home with my son during his early years, but am able to "make up" for that now  After being laid off from my last place of employment, my husband has become the sole-supporterer of our famiy and, just by coincidence, has excelled in his current employment where he began as entry-level and is now managing. I no longer have to commute to work (and spend a tremedous amount of money on gas. in addition to supporting or family) and am a "stay-at-home-mom".  By the way, I became a mom at 39 years old.  I am currently pursuing a career that I have thought about doing for many years, and will finally accomplish, after going back to school on-line, one year from now.  I will be able to work from home and still be able to make a  reasonable amount of income to help support our family and no longer have to be the sole-supporter in our household. 

 

So, what I am trying to say is that marriage takes alot of work and alot of faith.  I have prayed for guidance from Day 1 because I know I'm not perfect and neither is my husband.....we have to accept each other's faults and learn to deal with it. We had so many strikes going against us, we met and married within 3 months, prior history and "baggage" from it that was hurtful, and a rocky start.....but we made it.  If you commit yourself to a relationship, you have to work at it to make it work! 

 

I will end this with what I strongly believe has been helpful in our marriage.  I do not tolerate violence and I do not tolerate betrayal.  In spite of a person's past history, it can be overcome with alot of work from both parties.

 

 

 

 

 
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