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Topic : 07/28 A Husband's Shocking Confessions

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Created on : Friday, November 16, 2007, 03:39:06 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 11/19/07) Should you stay in a marriage with your husband if you find out a secret that disgusts you? Michelle thought she had the perfect marriage until recently, when she found out her husband of four years, Wade, was a sex addict and compulsive liar. He admits to cheating on her while she was pregnant, but says since then he's been faithful. Michelle made Wade take an online polygraph test that he failed. Why is Michelle convinced Wade is having an affair, and what proof does she say she has? Wade says there's a simple explanation and wants to take another lie detector test to prove his innocence. When Dr. Phil reveals the results of the second polygraph, will Michelle's fears be confirmed or put to rest? Concerned for the well-being of their two sets of twins, will Michelle decide to divorce Wade or hold on to the hope that their marriage can be healed? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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November 19, 2007, 9:29 am CST

This is so true...

     To Quote:
When someone is so sexually deviant?  Master manipulators get angry when confronted. So much power behind everything they do, the cheating, lies, stories, fanasies and obsessons in all and getting away with what they do.  No one is safe by this kind o mentlity.  Especiall someone he feels he owns in a relationship and that he shows he should keep no matter what he does?   Some truth would have to have weight in his life for him to ever be trusted, it sure don't look like he hasmuch of that?

This is such a true statement.  This is what I am trying to recover from....the extreme rage I encountered when attempting to confront the sexual deviancy, lies, and betrayals.  The cheating and porn is hard enough to take, and those issues alone I believe no one should have to face.  But the rage, projected shame and anger, flagrant deception and manipulation leave very, very deep scars.  It is my personal belief that the false self of individuals such as these is so protective, it won't allow the truth to be revealed.  If the truth does come out, and it is dealt with, then I believe that those are the lucky ones.
 
November 19, 2007, 9:38 am CST

Scarey Stuff

This show looks like a similar show Dr Phil had on last year, maybe longer ago than that. The guy was a total psycho and I'm sure that if you saw those episodes you wouldn't forget them. At that point in time my daughter was in a relationship with a man who was very much like the psycho on the show. It freaked me out because the guy even looked like my daughter's boyfriend. She was 27 years old at the time and lived away so she made her own choices and boy this was a very bad choice. Unfortunately she had a personality that attracted abusive guys, I'm sure that is the case. She didn't stand up for herself and stood by and let him torment her emotionally. It got so bad that he was doing it in front of me. She would talk to me about breaking up with him but you could tell she wasn't sincere. I was petrified that he would kill her, it was that horrific. Long story short, she did get the strength and on her own she dumped his sorry butt. It was a very difficult and frightening time in the whole families lives. I hope this is not trivialized, and I hope that if Dr Phil becomes involved that he follows through with it. It actually didn't help me to see that show years ago because my hands were tied and you can't help someone that doesn't want the help. All you can do is pray that your loved one will get the strength they need to do it for themselves.
 
November 19, 2007, 9:40 am CST

I agree...

Quote From: marianparoo

...but I am so tired of women, who get into situations where they are left dependent in every way  on men like this.

 

Sometimes I think one of the requirements for getting a marriage license should be some kind of a profession, so nobody is stuck in a marriage because they need the financial support.

 

And if someone's religion doesn't allow divorce, is there anything that prevents them from leaving a dangerous situation?

   I totally agree with this.  I was independent and completely self sufficient when we first got together.  I was on my own healing journey to well being, independence, self esteem, and from the beginning, he began to unravel each and every part of myself that defined who I was. 

What mother doesn't want to stay at home, even for a short time with their baby?  Of course I did, but I had no idea that this was part of the process.  I thought he wanted to take care of me, (I have always taken care of myself) so I thought to myself...why not? 

In the beginning, I was stubborn, and I did not give in without a fight, but the constant circle of lies and manipulations, including turning others against me, (while maintaining the facade of a healthy marriage and sexual relationship)made me believe that I was crazy, and I was the one with the problem.
He told me that he was raised that the husband should be the sole provider, and then I allowed him to put the blame on me when the finances went awry.  I do not want to stay for another moment, but I need to try and keep things cool, calm, fair, and consistent for my daughter until I can do it on my own.  I am an able individual, so with God's help, it shouldn't take too long.
 
November 19, 2007, 10:09 am CST

Thank you for

Quote From: robinhoho

First & foremost know & own the fact that this is HIS  addiction...........NOT YOURS! I too have been there & know first hand how devestating this can be.  The effects of HIS addiction & your PAST  inabilities to remain sober yourself (although initially thought to be only a means to numb the pain for you & hide your shame of him............sound just like that at this point............a thing of the PAST)   Please keep present & hold your head ever so high.  Do not  be intimidated or allow yourself to be degraded by him.  Listen to  and honor that little voice within you.  Stay SOBER,GET INDEPENDENT & NOT CODEPENDENT  & lead by example for yourr little girl.  Children are extremely intuitive & know or sense when things are not right..........and this is clearly soooooooooooooooo wrong.  A woman's shelter with PEACE & SERENITY will be 10,000 times better than moving to a rental with a man  who you couldn't  & shouldn't trust.  Trust is something that is earned & as far as I am concerned, this unfortunate soul has earned his way OUT of yours & your daughter's lives.  Trust him with her for NOT 2 SECONDS.  

 

Having dated my ex-husband for 3 1/2 years before  my daughter & I married him..........he was to become "Daddy to her" & life was supposed to be wonderful, he was the man who was too good to be true, I thought I knew him inside  & out ......yet, as it all turned out.................He was NOT  TRUE.    Two months after I married him & four days before he was supposed to adopt my daughter, I uncovered his deep dark secret past.   A life full of demons he had & continues to live with today.............almost seven years later.  As said in prior responses from others.............."A leopard DOESN'T change his spots"  - this is ever sooooooooooo true. 

 

To say it was easy to move to where we are today would not be so, because as a woman & mother I think there is so much internal dialogue that "we can fix this.........., yet the truth of the matter is that we can not...............only he can fix himself .  Send him on his way with blessings that he does, so that he doesn't destroy any other lives  & you move away from the past & the pain.  Easier said than done, but try to FORGIVE............you'll never forget, but do forgive so you move to a place of freedom for yourself.  Anger only errodes oneself.   You must make your daughter your priority above all else.  Without a strong , loving , supportive, self respecting mother , she will devalue herself & no mother wants that for their child.  The strongest influence in her life will & should be you.   Lead by example & hold your head high & know that "You are a Powerful Woman who is Deserving of Love & Being Loved in Return ," yet at this point ....let that  LOVE, be LOVE OF ONESELF!  Be good to you & move on.      Better to be alone than to be with someone & be so lonely.    Have faith in yourself & vow to do all that you need to do to make YOUR LIFE A WONDERFUL LIFE.   Life is what we make it & you can either continue to stay where you are & move to a rental which is totally ABSURD or you can CHOOSE TO MAKE IT WONDERFUL.    All we do in life is based on choices........I once learned years ago a little life saver that I will share with you..............hold your hand up ; palm facing you & look at your hand..............lable each finger & starting with the thumb  label it "RISK", index finger = "TRUST", middle finger + "LOVE", ring finger = "ACCEPT" , pinky  finger = "GROW"   & in the palm of your hand  = "CHOICE"   .....................the synopsis of it all is.............in life with  everything we do, we are taking a "RISK" & we must "TRUST " & "LOVE " oneself enough  to take that risk & from that "ACCEPT" the outcome as it be & from our experience "GROW" ....................to do it all is based upon a "CHOICE", so ............"CHOOSE to make YOUR LIFE WONDERFUL."     As Dr. Phil says so eloquently...............better to be in something for a year  & get out , than to be there for 1 year and a DAY!!!    Meditate & stay strong & KNOW that you are NOT the only one out there in this situation.   It is ever so present in this society , sadly to say.    Here is a little something to read &  think about daily.

 

 

                                                                   The Best Day Of MY Life

 

               Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever!

 

     There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did!  And because I did I'm 

                                                                 going to celebrate!     

 

      Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments,  

                the  many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to  make

                                                     me stronger.

 

       I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart.

 

       I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the 

         flowers, the birds.   Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.

 

     Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people.   I'll make someone smile.  I'll go out

        of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know.

 

    Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down.  I'll tell a child how special he is,

        and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care about them and how much they mean to me.

 

     Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful

                                                          things God has already given me.

   

       I'll remember that to worry is just a wste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan 

                                            ensures everything will be just fine.      

 

      Tonight, before i go to bed, I'll go outside and   raise my eyes to the heavens.  I will stand in  

            awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for                                  

                                                        these magnificent treasures. 

 

       As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best

           day of my life.  And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation

             because I know tomorrow is going to be ...........

                                                          The Best Day Of My Life!

 

 

                   All the best to you.    

                              Robin

    

  Robin~  Thank you for your kind words and your encouragement.  Yes, it seems as if this is a far more commonproblem that as a society, people might not want to believe.  It is tragic,traumatizing, hideous, and so very unnecessary. 
 Yes, this is his addiction, and not mine, and it took me years to realize that.   For years,he had flagrant disregard for my well being, and trashed me to everyone we knew, including my family.  I felt inferior, fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, and that was only the beginning.  I am not any of those things.  I decline propositions should they arise, and I really am OK.  The programming is the hardest thing to undo.

The household revolved around his ejaculation, and I didn't even know it.  There was no regard for my basic bill of rights as a human being.  I was devalued and objectified.  He had my psychologist fooled, (for years....) he had literally convinced everyone we knew that he was a poor innocent victim, while pretending to be happy and fine to my face.  I was unaware of the emotional and sexual abuse being just that---abuse.  I just thought it came with his territory and who was I to question it? 
 My blog was shocking to my closer friends, because I had always painted a picture of this Polyana perfect marriage and home.  People who know me WELL, e-mailed me to ask if this was the "same husband I am married to" or perhaps I was referring to an ex.  His family, friends, and the like are unaware of his indiscretions and addictions, due to his shame.  Thankfully I have a great support system, not from my family,but from my Dr's and Therapists.    Your words were right from your heart, and I very much appreciate them.  Thank you.  I am indeed grateful for today, and each moment I am given.  I now realize I do have a right to exist, and my daughter is experiencing a calmer, more serene, and more centered Mom, because I am "present" for me.  And yes, Robin, today IS the best day of my life.  It's all I've got.
  I take things one day at a time.....trying to keep in mind that sometimes good people do bad things, so that I can forgive and stay out of the anger rut for my own well being.  My sobriety, self awareness, and basic human rights are my protection, and I intend to make fair, and not drastic choices.  Do I get nervous?  Sure I do.  There are times I am so fearful I can't speak, but I appear strong, and I am even stronger.  I am not afraid of him anymore.  I still care and wish him well.
  I do know what I need to do, and I also know I need to do it soon, but finances will not permit---TODAY---that is not to say that it will be this way forever....so I take it as God gives it to me....one breath at a time.   Thank you for the 5-finger analogy.  I will remember that.  You are a great soul.  God Blessyou!
 
November 19, 2007, 10:30 am CST

We make ourselves VICTIMS!

Very, very sad show. I am happy that I won't be home to see it.

 

God WANTS us to uphold our marital vows and 99% of us could if we tried as hard at making a marriage better than we try at getting out of it! With that said, God does not want our lives endangered. Continued adultry can cost a life (due to disease), just as a refusal to get help for alcoholism, drug addiction, physical abuse, etc can endanger the life of a loved one.

 

It would be foolish and dangerous for any woman (or man) to stay with a person who does not want help and therefore will never change for the better. And when kids are involved, the parent MUST be responsible and not endanger the innocent children. The kids come FIRST in these types of situations...ALWAYS!

 

I am tired of us women wearing "victim" labels on our foreheads. We make choices and then cry over them. We can't change others; all we can do is change ourselves!

 

We need to empower ourselves and stop waiting to be rescued. For too long, we raised our daughters to be victims and created generation after generation of abused women and children.

 

Honor marriage vows if the person truly wants to change and will actively work toward that change. However, if there is no hope of change (by looking at all the past and present behavior, not the words), women (and men) need to protect themselves and their children.....GET OUT and learn from your mistakes. Get counseling so you don't make the same lousy choice again!

 
November 19, 2007, 10:50 am CST

We aren't ALL bad.

Quote From: ladyteal28

I say a BIG NO to staying with a man who is a cheater.  I am watching my best friend go through hell.  She found out this summer that her husband of over 34 years has been cheating on her for years and years and years.  He used ALL his vacation time for the year to go and meet women he met online.   He is also a big time porn lover. 

For years I have ignored his remarks about a 3some.... now I actualy hate this man.  And the pain his wife and grown kids are going through breaks my heart.  He even had the nerve to tell my best friend that he never really loved her..... I see a women who had worked all her life for her husband and how broken he has made her.  I am always here for her and I tell her that all the time.  I listen and give her a shoulder to cry on and tell her she was the best wife ever, and she was.  He just lost the best thing in his life.  They are now getting a divorce and selling their home that they both worked soooo hard to have.  My B.F. has worked this one job for years and years and it is slowly taking everything out of her.  She hs worked and worked tons of overtime just to keep their head about water while he just continues to add more and more debt with his endless spending, all for himself.  He has opened more credit cards in his name and run them up too....now she is looking at going bankrupt...

 

To tell you the truth there isn't one man in the world worth giving up your heart too.  I have been married for almost 40 years to a very cold, unaffectionate man....who I have BEGGED for us 'both' to get help.  No he can't be bothered.  He only cares about the kids, and grandkids and spends his retirement in either front of a t.v. or a computer screen.  We retired to travel...and here we sit...day after day.  How sad! 

I would run the other way, if I knew then what I know now.  Life is hard enough....without these selfish men.

 

 

 

     I won't pretend to understand all you've experienced and I think what you've experienced is terrible if it is as you describe, but please don't take out your hard life and experiences out on all men and don't poison other women into thinking no man is good enough for them.  We aren't all bad.  There are many of us who love our wives and children dearly. 

    I've been with my wife for 25 years and I've never cheated on her, got drunk, hit her or our kids, mentally abused her, or was a couch potato.  I'm no exception to your "rule" about men and nor do I consider myself exceptional either.  I'm simply a decent man who loves his wife and kids to die for them at moment if I had to.  I honestly know many other such similar men.

    Your headline alone that ALL Men are the same in that they are selfish greatly saddened me.  I would never stereotype you as a bitter frustrated woman simply because of your attitude which is based upon your terrible experience and, sadly, one that you tolerated for 40 years according to your post.  That would be presumptuous of me and stupid.  You should not have and shouldn't continue to put up with a loveless marriage.  You do have to take some responsibility for your empty marriage in spite of all your efforts to turn it around which is very admirable.   As Dr. Phil often says, "We teach people how to treat us."  Somewhere along those 40 years you let it be known to your husband that it was okay for him to treat you like he did even if only by staying with him that long. 

    Ironically, my own wife treated me much the way your described your husband in some areas.  She became a big shot business woman and often looked at me as a piece of furniture in the house and often poked fun of my career as "You are only a teacher", but I drew a line in the sand after a number of years went by that I wouldn't put up with it anymore.  I knew she loved me and I knew she was my soulmate, but we had to reach of point of mutual respect or call it quits.  She loved me enough to make a sincere change and I loved her enough to never hold it over her head her past behavior.  We recovered beautifully from that dark period, but I knew it was as much my fault as hers for simply allowing it to continue as long as it did.  I hated putting our marriage on the line like I did, but I felt forced to it and it benefitted no one by continuing an empty marriage.

    I guess my point is that you seem more angry at yourself for putting up with a cold husband for 40 years and seeing your friends go through a lot makes you bitter against all men; I understand that, but we aren't all this way in spite of your bad experiences.  You women have caused your fair share of heartache too, but I would never judge "ALL" women by your bitterness or by the other horrible women that are out there.  We are all individuals and should be judged and viewed as such.

    I wish you the best and I sincerely hope you find a way out of your tragically cold marriage and see better days ahead for your friends.  I know it must hurt you to see them suffer as much or worse than you.  You must be a loving and caring friend to feel so much for them; just don't let your anger and bitterness poison your friends' futures that there is no man out there worthy of them.

With Respect and Prayers for you,
Steve
 
November 19, 2007, 10:56 am CST

You have my prayers!

Quote From: laneese

I have a particular interest in the 3 part series starting Monday.  I do want to watch it, but am fearful of the (personal) triggers that may be contained therein.  I have it set to TIVO as I do for all of Dr. Phil's shows, so that I can watch topics that interest me, or a loved one, which is most of the time.  I also TIVO so I can watch at a time that is more convenient for me to watch since I have a little one, and my husband has an aversion to Dr. Phil.

My husband is also a sex addict and compulsive liar.  As I have heard Dr. Phil say in the past, "How do you know he's lying?  Because his lips are moving...."  That is my husband.

We have been married for 6 1/2 years, and for the first 6 years, I was in full denial of the issues that were before me.  I had literally become brainwashed to believe that I was crazy despite the disturbing content within his porn addiction, the inconsistencies of his stories, his villanizing of me to my family, friends, and co-workers, his sexual abuse of me, his objectification and devaluing of me, his total emotional abandonment, anger, rage, denial, and projection of his shame on me.  If I found porn, it was my fault for looking, and I was a crazy f*ing "C."  He truly was incapable of believing anything I had to say at all.  If any fact was said by someone other than myself, it was indeed a fact or consideration.  Anything I had to say was immediately dismissed as my imagination, or I just didn't know what I was talking about, or "that's just stupid..."

If I questioned his obviously inappropriate behavior with clients, other professionals, or co-workers, I was made to believe that there was something wrong with my brain, because I was making these things up in my head.  He was in collusion with my mother as the two of them took comfort in one another blaming my "imagination" for the discontent in their lives.  The anger, rage, and distance that was a daily ritual from him became unbearable for me.  All the while, however, I portrayed an image of the perfect marriage and family to everyone else. 

To the outside, he played the victim so well.  He comes across as such a peaceful, understanding, empathetic man, but that is all an illusion.

His children from a previous marriage stayed with us for a while, (2005 & 2006) as we tried to blend the families. These children were violent, cruel, manipulative, (beyond what the normal difficult dynamics that can exist between step parents and step children) and they were openly abusive to our three year old daughter in my presence.     (They are 7 and 8 years older than she is) When their father was home, the children were angelic.  Anytime I would report their severe abuse, he would deny any issues... Therefore adding to his case that I was crazy, and that his children were fine.  They were just being kids, and I was the one with the problem. 

I had suffered from alcohol issues in the past, and unfortunately, during this time, I allowed myself to fall into that trap once again, late at night after the kids were in bed.  In my mind, I was going crazy, and I needed something to make the pain and madness stop, even if only temporarily.  In my mind, nothing short of suicide could stop the intense emptiness, so that is what I used to make myself stop feeling.  At times, we had loud arguments late at night because of this.

When I finally obtained proof of abuse to my then 3 year old, we removed my step son from school, (he was 10 at the time) turned him in to the police, and when they could not arrest him (because my 3 year old could say "what" happened, but she could not say "when" it happened) we put him on a plane back to his mother, who is out of state.  The other child was already back with the mother.

I was very stressed, teetering toward a breakdown, but tried to hold it together for the sake of my daughter.  The acting out from my husband, (extreme deviant porn, sleeping with my friends, playing the victim, etc.) increased, and I was not allowed to tell anyone about what happened to my daughter.  When I did, there was once again increased anger, rage, shame, and blame placed upon me, which I readily accepted. 

At this point, he was still in full denial of ever acting out sexually, and that the porn was something that "all guys did."   Also, during this time, he was sexually aggressive with me, at times continued thrusting when I cried out in pain, begging him to stop.  He also began waking me up in the middle of the night after I had gone to bed, and after using alcohol or other sedatives, and he would have sex with me, and I would not remember at all.  It became a shame game for me because I never remembered, and he would be so offended that I couldn't remember "such an awesome experience," so I began pretending that I did remember.

He is a gun enthusiast, and several of his favorite places on his computer back then were regarding how to hire a hit man, and how to get away with murder, how to clean crime scenes, etc.  That was scary to me, and when confronted, he responded with his usual..."you're just stupid."

The downward spiral continued until June of this year, when I turned to the Internet to find out what my problem was.   I started searching to find out what was wrong with me, because I felt to shameful and inferior because of his porn use. 

This is when my eyes were opened.

Dr. Phil's site, among others, helped me to realize that I was the co-dependent, or the co-sex addict.  That these behaviors were NOT normal, and that not only was I being abused, but coming to grips with the fact that I was allowing it to happen.  I had been in therapy for years, but once I got everything on the table, it was suggested that I attend an outpatient intensive therapy program.  I was gone from home for 14 hours a day, Monday through Friday, for 2 weeks, in an amazingIN YOUR FACE intensive program. 

My goal was to re-discover my sense of self, for me, but also so that I could model positive behavior for my daughter that I had never learned.  Up to that point, all I had taught her was how to pretend things were OK when they truly were not, how to smile, and hide real feelings.  This is what I learned, and I knew that I had to stop the cycle.  I wanted to learn how to safely and effectively express real feelings without fear of anger, denial, or retribution. 

In the two weeks I was in the intensive, I dealt with previously unknown childhood trauma issues, etc., as well as my accountability in all of this, which was very hard to face.  I learned that I do have a voice, and a reason to be alive.  I had gone from a size 14 to a size 4, (at 5'9") and nearly destroyed my face from picking from all the stress.  I learned that I have body dismorphic issues that I still struggle with.  During this time, there was no disclosure from my husband.  In his words, he was merely holding down the fort while the crazy wife got her therapy. 

AFTER my intensive treatment was complete, my husband regurgitated all of his affairs, lies, deceptions, becauase I had become stronger and he was afraid of losing me.  Now, he is so sorry, so regretful, and so ashamed of how he lied, cheated, and punished me for his wrongs.  I am the only woman he has ever loved, blah, blah... Those are nice words.  He went to the same place I did for a few appointments, but finances haven't permitted further treatment for him. 

He claims to be a changed man, and reformed, but just cannot seem to stop staring at other women, and internet attractions, etc.  Like the husband on the show, "isn't it convenient" that all his infidelities were in the past?  Does that somehow make them OK?  Why is it that it seems they cannot admit to the more recent activities...are they less forgivable? I know for a fact that I don't know the whole story, and his high horse of morality will not allow him to face his real self, therefore allowing the rest of the disclosure.

I have been sober from Alcohol for 10 weeks and counting.  We live in the same house, but in separate bedrooms.  There is no conflict, no sex, just more like roomates.  Our 5 year old shares the bedroom with me, and is excelling in her school.  She is currently in therapy also, and doing quite well.

My fear of watching the show is that it will reinforce the reality that I have to leave him, but our home is in foreclosure, there is no money, no support, no contingency plan, no nothing.  I had wanted to return to work when my baby was a year old, but was unable to because I wasn't "allowed" to.  He works in my family's business, and he didn't want me nosing in his affairs.  I realize that I am not a victim, and I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF, but this reminder might be too much.
  I am currently seeking employment again, we are moving into a rental together for financial reasons at this point, but he acts as if we "just need to move forward."  I agree with that, but I cannot do that until I have a better understanding of why his switch went off. I've been living in the fog of wondering when it will all happen again.  Then, if it does, how many years will be wasted then?  It is nearly 7 years now.... it might be 10 or more.

My journey is in my blog, though I've not posted in a month or so. 

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=200544800

Thanks for letting me get this out....and if you've made it this far, you're a real trooper!


 I can't intelligently write anything to you that would change a thing or realistically give you any comfort, peace or encouragement other than to tell you that you have my respect, best wishes and prayers for a save resolution to your situation.  YOU are a "real trooper!"

:-) -Steve
 
November 19, 2007, 11:03 am CST

Could we please refrain from "All men are . . ." comments?

Quote From: myrna47

    there are two sides to a story.  and let the man confess.  GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY!!!!  yeah sure there are some good men out there, but where?  all men will do anything to get a woman to where he wants her.  then once he has her in his grips so to speak it is hell to pay!  he'll lie, cheat, swear,and even accuse the woman of having an affair or cheating on him just to make himself look good. while he is doing all the dirty deeds.  i should know i was married to a MONSTER like that up to the day he died 6 1/2 years ago.  do i trust men now? NO!  it was due to all of his nonsense. lies, accusations, swearing.  when all along he was doing it himself!  so women don't give in  and get all the facts against him!
 I would never want to judge a woman by bad past experiences I've had and I would never want anyone to judge me on my worst traits.  Over generalizations only perpetuate stereotypes.  NOT ALL MEN take advantage of women and only want to manipulate them.  In my 25 years with my wife, I've nearly always put her and my kids first and I have no regrets about that either even though my wife wrongly took advantage of that often later in our marriage.  I love her regardless of those bad moments as I have my own as well.

I don't believe I'm an exception to the man-hating rules or an exceptional person by any means.  I'm just a normal decent man who knows other normal decent man.  Women have caused their fair share of hurt and pain.  Sadly, no sex is better than the other in that regard.
 
November 19, 2007, 11:06 am CST

could have been me

Get out while you can.

I was in a very similar situation although not married (my wisest decision ever)he is the father of my child. Listening to this man talk, he could have been my ex, he even has similar appearences! Watching this show made me realize all that I have to be fortunate for. If it hadn't been for my ex's physical abuse, I probably would have stayed and endured the psychological abuse. Message for Michele, If you leave things will get hard, but not as hard as it is and will be if you stay, this type of person will never be able to face up to themselves, they believe that what they say is true and youll never convince them otherwise. Take your kids and leave ASAP it will only get worse and there are so many good kind people out there who can share your life with you, Dont waste your time on those who make you feel like crap. Dont worry about your kids, your stability is theirs. 

 
November 19, 2007, 12:15 pm CST

Don't Suffer From Martyr Sydrome. Here's my story:

I sad number of posts on here are reflections made by women who have had sadly nothing but bad experiences with men, and in turn, that has colored their judgment of "all" men.  We all make choices in our lives and staying in bad relationships is one of them.  Their are no pats on the back or special awards for continuing in a bad relationship.  As Dr. Phil often says, "We teach people how to treat us."  If people stay in a bad relationship, regardless of the practical reasons and good intentions, are condoning the treatment they are getting even if they say they "fought constantly to change things."  In the end, they never drew a line in the sand saying that "this is all I will tolerate."

A marriage is made up of TWO people meeting each other's needs and loving each other unconditionally, but if one is violating the other's trust, not meeting the other's needs, or not thinking of the marriage as a partnership, then it, in reality, IS NOT a marriage and loving "unconditionally" there makes no sense if it is only one-sided.  There are no special rewards for "hanging in there" in such cases and Dr. Phil would be the first to say that "staying together for the kids" is a load of bunk as kids suffer far more from a dysfunctional marriage than from a divorce.  Get out when you have to as staying may hurt all involved.

No one loves a martyr for a bad marriage.  They want sympathy for a situation they should have gotten out of years ago.  How many on here began their stories with "My husband of 40 years was . . ." or "My boyfriend of 8 years is . . ."  Their stories are tragic not just because the terrible hardships they endured, but also because they chose to endure it.  Excuses of "I was trying to save my marriage" or "I just couldn't leave him" or "He needs me but doesn't realize it" are not based in any real reality and are designed to make us feel better about being taken advantage of for so long.  It almost becomes boastful in regards to how much crap someone took and "hung in there."  Again, there are no rewards for this.  You and your kids suffer and in addition so does the other spouse who shoud really be cut loose since he or she isn't respecting the marriage anyhow.

********************************************************************************************************************

MY STORY:  As a 44 year old man I'm well aware that a good number of women on here may distrust my point of view considering the posts of "All men are . . ." and the horrific husband on this show, but I'm going to chance it that someone may benefit from my story.

I've been with my wife for 25 years (22 in actual marriage) and there is no doubt in either of our minds that we are each other's soulmate; however, we've also both learned that that alone doesn't always make for a happy marriage.  Sadly, loving is not always enough.  I've been a teacher for 17 years and my wife was fortunate enough to start off as a secretary in a bank that lead to her becoming its vice president.  Along the way she took me and the kids for granted and began to become distant.  Her job was everything and we all became an annoying distraction.  With my teacher schedule I was expected, and to some degree rightfully so, to be on top of things with the kids since I was home most with them, but that didn't excuse my wife from being a mom.  This doesn't mean she didn't love her kids, only that she was cold towards them and rarely expressed lover or respect to them or me.

Since my wife had become a vice president of a bank, I was viewed as "just a teacher."  In addition, she was bitter over my summers off with the kids and all the holidays I had.  Between looking down on my profession and her jealousy over my close relationship with our kids, she began a long slow withdrawl from all of us.  She never had an affair, but her job was the equivalent of a lover to me.  I, like many of the women on here, fought with me wife to change what was happening, get marriage counseling, and SHOW us that she loved us, but my pleas fell on deaf ears.  Could I play the victim here?  Sure, but the reality is it took me 10 years of this behavior to finally draw a line in the sand and say enough.  I taught my wife that all my bitching and complaining meant nothing as I would stay with her regardless.  I taught her to take advantage of me.

Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean having to die a martyr's death.  I loved my wife then and now, but I knew we could not survive in what appeared to be a one-sided marriage and she knew that as well.  We talked divorce and even began the initial steps.  It wasn't until I was within several weeks of actually moving out that my wife finally said, "I still love you.  I don't want you to go, but if you feel like it's gone too far, you should have the house and the kids and I should go.  I'm the one throwing it all away, not you."

We never divorced.  We never separated.  We never went down this road again.  My wife admitted later that she needed me to stand up to her.  She knew she was taking advantage of me and secretly resented me for not drawing that line in the sand sooner.  Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean putting up with all of his or her crap because if he or she really loved you unconditionally, he or she would change.  My wife did, but I had to take a stand and make a choice.  The change didn't come until I decided to stop playing the victim and that's when I actually earned my wife's respect back.

Well, that's my story.  There are a lot more details and I've overly simplified things here, but I hope my point comes across.  Take charge of your life and stop laying down in front of the bus as if that was noble.  No one will respect you until you respect yourself and being the only one fighting to keep a marriage afloat is a sure sign that it's already dead and you are trying to revive a corpse.  Stop being a martyr!

With respect,
Steve
 
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