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Topic : 07/28 A Husband's Shocking Confessions

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Created on : Friday, November 16, 2007, 03:39:06 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 11/19/07) Should you stay in a marriage with your husband if you find out a secret that disgusts you? Michelle thought she had the perfect marriage until recently, when she found out her husband of four years, Wade, was a sex addict and compulsive liar. He admits to cheating on her while she was pregnant, but says since then he's been faithful. Michelle made Wade take an online polygraph test that he failed. Why is Michelle convinced Wade is having an affair, and what proof does she say she has? Wade says there's a simple explanation and wants to take another lie detector test to prove his innocence. When Dr. Phil reveals the results of the second polygraph, will Michelle's fears be confirmed or put to rest? Concerned for the well-being of their two sets of twins, will Michelle decide to divorce Wade or hold on to the hope that their marriage can be healed? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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November 17, 2007, 9:03 am CST

Doctor Phil Show

Confessions Doctor Husband's Phil Shocking. Doctor Phil I have never of a shocking news in my life.-------

See you on Monday November 19th, 2007. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.------------------------------------

 
November 17, 2007, 10:07 am CST

Michelle...get out while you and your children still can!!!

This guy, Wade, is at the very least a sociopath and most likely a psychopath with murderous intent!  I am anxiously awating the 3 episodes of this situation; however, after seeing the commercials and reading the synopsis for each episode; Michelle and her children need to get out while the gettin's good!

 

Wade seems to be a ticking time bomb and I certainly wouldn't want to be there when he goes off!  He'll make the atom bomb look like a firecracker!

 

As you may be able to tell; I have very strong feelings about this situation without even seening the episodes yet.  In my book; once a cheater, always cheater.  Also, an abusive man or woman as well as a possible murderer, don't change their stripes!  (Being a fellow native Texan, I am quite sure that Dr. Phil understands my analogies.)

 

I am awaiting these episodes with bated breath.  I know that Dr. Phil can virtually perform miracles and I feel that he is Michelle's only hope at this point.   I just hope that she grows a brain in time to save her life and the lives of her children!

 

Do your thing Dr. Phil!!!  We're counting on you!

 
November 17, 2007, 10:09 am CST

MEN are self centered and only concerned about themselves.

I say a BIG NO to staying with a man who is a cheater.  I am watching my best friend go through hell.  She found out this summer that her husband of over 34 years has been cheating on her for years and years and years.  He used ALL his vacation time for the year to go and meet women he met online.   He is also a big time porn lover. 

For years I have ignored his remarks about a 3some.... now I actualy hate this man.  And the pain his wife and grown kids are going through breaks my heart.  He even had the nerve to tell my best friend that he never really loved her..... I see a women who had worked all her life for her husband and how broken he has made her.  I am always here for her and I tell her that all the time.  I listen and give her a shoulder to cry on and tell her she was the best wife ever, and she was.  He just lost the best thing in his life.  They are now getting a divorce and selling their home that they both worked soooo hard to have.  My B.F. has worked this one job for years and years and it is slowly taking everything out of her.  She hs worked and worked tons of overtime just to keep their head about water while he just continues to add more and more debt with his endless spending, all for himself.  He has opened more credit cards in his name and run them up too....now she is looking at going bankrupt...

 

To tell you the truth there isn't one man in the world worth giving up your heart too.  I have been married for almost 40 years to a very cold, unaffectionate man....who I have BEGGED for us 'both' to get help.  No he can't be bothered.  He only cares about the kids, and grandkids and spends his retirement in either front of a t.v. or a computer screen.  We retired to travel...and here we sit...day after day.  How sad! 

I would run the other way, if I knew then what I know now.  Life is hard enough....without these selfish men.

 

 

 

 
November 17, 2007, 11:11 am CST

no way!!!

I would never stay in a marrige if I found out somthing about my husband that was unbearable to live with. Why be unhappy and married to someone you can not trust? Trust takes time to rebuild but I am not going to feel I have to check up on someone all the time just to get back the trust that would take too much effort and just make me grow older faster. I would leave, but than again I am closed minded about this kinda stuff because it would be a life on going thing I would have to deal with. Just leave him find someone else that can make you happy you deserve it. He made his bed now he can lay in it!!!!
 
November 17, 2007, 11:44 am CST

ouch

     This poor lady has one adolescent and four babies.  It does not sound like he has dealt with his issues eventhough I am sure he tried to change,  The visual image of the couple seems to indicate that rhey are dealing with young indiscretions: they are not  babies.
     This seems like a situation ripe for a split while hubby straightens himself out:: I suspect that he has never considered how he impacts his family. Well give him the name STUD
 
November 17, 2007, 11:52 am CST

Might be hard to see a parallel of my life played out on Dr. Phil's Show...

I have a particular interest in the 3 part series starting Monday.  I do want to watch it, but am fearful of the (personal) triggers that may be contained therein.  I have it set to TIVO as I do for all of Dr. Phil's shows, so that I can watch topics that interest me, or a loved one, which is most of the time.  I also TIVO so I can watch at a time that is more convenient for me to watch since I have a little one, and my husband has an aversion to Dr. Phil.

My husband is also a sex addict and compulsive liar.  As I have heard Dr. Phil say in the past, "How do you know he's lying?  Because his lips are moving...."  That is my husband.

We have been married for 6 1/2 years, and for the first 6 years, I was in full denial of the issues that were before me.  I had literally become brainwashed to believe that I was crazy despite the disturbing content within his porn addiction, the inconsistencies of his stories, his villanizing of me to my family, friends, and co-workers, his sexual abuse of me, his objectification and devaluing of me, his total emotional abandonment, anger, rage, denial, and projection of his shame on me.  If I found porn, it was my fault for looking, and I was a crazy f*ing "C."  He truly was incapable of believing anything I had to say at all.  If any fact was said by someone other than myself, it was indeed a fact or consideration.  Anything I had to say was immediately dismissed as my imagination, or I just didn't know what I was talking about, or "that's just stupid..."

If I questioned his obviously inappropriate behavior with clients, other professionals, or co-workers, I was made to believe that there was something wrong with my brain, because I was making these things up in my head.  He was in collusion with my mother as the two of them took comfort in one another blaming my "imagination" for the discontent in their lives.  The anger, rage, and distance that was a daily ritual from him became unbearable for me.  All the while, however, I portrayed an image of the perfect marriage and family to everyone else. 

To the outside, he played the victim so well.  He comes across as such a peaceful, understanding, empathetic man, but that is all an illusion.

His children from a previous marriage stayed with us for a while, (2005 & 2006) as we tried to blend the families. These children were violent, cruel, manipulative, (beyond what the normal difficult dynamics that can exist between step parents and step children) and they were openly abusive to our three year old daughter in my presence.     (They are 7 and 8 years older than she is) When their father was home, the children were angelic.  Anytime I would report their severe abuse, he would deny any issues... Therefore adding to his case that I was crazy, and that his children were fine.  They were just being kids, and I was the one with the problem. 

I had suffered from alcohol issues in the past, and unfortunately, during this time, I allowed myself to fall into that trap once again, late at night after the kids were in bed.  In my mind, I was going crazy, and I needed something to make the pain and madness stop, even if only temporarily.  In my mind, nothing short of suicide could stop the intense emptiness, so that is what I used to make myself stop feeling.  At times, we had loud arguments late at night because of this.

When I finally obtained proof of abuse to my then 3 year old, we removed my step son from school, (he was 10 at the time) turned him in to the police, and when they could not arrest him (because my 3 year old could say "what" happened, but she could not say "when" it happened) we put him on a plane back to his mother, who is out of state.  The other child was already back with the mother.

I was very stressed, teetering toward a breakdown, but tried to hold it together for the sake of my daughter.  The acting out from my husband, (extreme deviant porn, sleeping with my friends, playing the victim, etc.) increased, and I was not allowed to tell anyone about what happened to my daughter.  When I did, there was once again increased anger, rage, shame, and blame placed upon me, which I readily accepted. 

At this point, he was still in full denial of ever acting out sexually, and that the porn was something that "all guys did."   Also, during this time, he was sexually aggressive with me, at times continued thrusting when I cried out in pain, begging him to stop.  He also began waking me up in the middle of the night after I had gone to bed, and after using alcohol or other sedatives, and he would have sex with me, and I would not remember at all.  It became a shame game for me because I never remembered, and he would be so offended that I couldn't remember "such an awesome experience," so I began pretending that I did remember.

He is a gun enthusiast, and several of his favorite places on his computer back then were regarding how to hire a hit man, and how to get away with murder, how to clean crime scenes, etc.  That was scary to me, and when confronted, he responded with his usual..."you're just stupid."

The downward spiral continued until June of this year, when I turned to the Internet to find out what my problem was.   I started searching to find out what was wrong with me, because I felt to shameful and inferior because of his porn use. 

This is when my eyes were opened.

Dr. Phil's site, among others, helped me to realize that I was the co-dependent, or the co-sex addict.  That these behaviors were NOT normal, and that not only was I being abused, but coming to grips with the fact that I was allowing it to happen.  I had been in therapy for years, but once I got everything on the table, it was suggested that I attend an outpatient intensive therapy program.  I was gone from home for 14 hours a day, Monday through Friday, for 2 weeks, in an amazingIN YOUR FACE intensive program. 

My goal was to re-discover my sense of self, for me, but also so that I could model positive behavior for my daughter that I had never learned.  Up to that point, all I had taught her was how to pretend things were OK when they truly were not, how to smile, and hide real feelings.  This is what I learned, and I knew that I had to stop the cycle.  I wanted to learn how to safely and effectively express real feelings without fear of anger, denial, or retribution. 

In the two weeks I was in the intensive, I dealt with previously unknown childhood trauma issues, etc., as well as my accountability in all of this, which was very hard to face.  I learned that I do have a voice, and a reason to be alive.  I had gone from a size 14 to a size 4, (at 5'9") and nearly destroyed my face from picking from all the stress.  I learned that I have body dismorphic issues that I still struggle with.  During this time, there was no disclosure from my husband.  In his words, he was merely holding down the fort while the crazy wife got her therapy. 

AFTER my intensive treatment was complete, my husband regurgitated all of his affairs, lies, deceptions, becauase I had become stronger and he was afraid of losing me.  Now, he is so sorry, so regretful, and so ashamed of how he lied, cheated, and punished me for his wrongs.  I am the only woman he has ever loved, blah, blah... Those are nice words.  He went to the same place I did for a few appointments, but finances haven't permitted further treatment for him. 

He claims to be a changed man, and reformed, but just cannot seem to stop staring at other women, and internet attractions, etc.  Like the husband on the show, "isn't it convenient" that all his infidelities were in the past?  Does that somehow make them OK?  Why is it that it seems they cannot admit to the more recent activities...are they less forgivable? I know for a fact that I don't know the whole story, and his high horse of morality will not allow him to face his real self, therefore allowing the rest of the disclosure.

I have been sober from Alcohol for 10 weeks and counting.  We live in the same house, but in separate bedrooms.  There is no conflict, no sex, just more like roomates.  Our 5 year old shares the bedroom with me, and is excelling in her school.  She is currently in therapy also, and doing quite well.

My fear of watching the show is that it will reinforce the reality that I have to leave him, but our home is in foreclosure, there is no money, no support, no contingency plan, no nothing.  I had wanted to return to work when my baby was a year old, but was unable to because I wasn't "allowed" to.  He works in my family's business, and he didn't want me nosing in his affairs.  I realize that I am not a victim, and I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF, but this reminder might be too much.
  I am currently seeking employment again, we are moving into a rental together for financial reasons at this point, but he acts as if we "just need to move forward."  I agree with that, but I cannot do that until I have a better understanding of why his switch went off. I've been living in the fog of wondering when it will all happen again.  Then, if it does, how many years will be wasted then?  It is nearly 7 years now.... it might be 10 or more.

My journey is in my blog, though I've not posted in a month or so. 

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=200544800

Thanks for letting me get this out....and if you've made it this far, you're a real trooper!


 
November 17, 2007, 11:57 am CST

Are you kidding me????

 You need to know a lepard  never changes it's spots. You need to get out of this situation asap. There is no excuse to forgive someone who you feel has cheated on you, no only for yourself but for the well being of those children brought into the relationship. It is better to be without the other person than to be to late doing something to protect yoursxelf and your children.  He needs to be put somewhere that he can never hurt anyone.
 
November 17, 2007, 12:34 pm CST

only what I think

 

I think, michelle must follow her heart no matter what!!!

 
November 17, 2007, 12:39 pm CST

Husbands shocking confessions

I think she  should  get out as soon  as  possible.  My  second  husband was just  like him  and  I  lived  in fear  for  six  years.  I  finally  had  to  lie  and con  my  way  out.  I was stillscared for  the longest  time  until  one night the safty of  our  son was  threatened  I forgot  my fear  and went  after  him  and  forced  him  out  the door.  Boy  this  brings  back  some  pretty  nasty  memories.  This  can't  end  well if  she  stays.  I  would  type  more  but  my  computer  is gving  me  a  hard  time.

 
November 17, 2007, 12:46 pm CST

Possibly in the same situation

I've caught my husband with prostitutes.  He says he's not doing this anymore, but something is telling me differently.   He can't "perform" for "medical" reasons, yet I find porn hidden all over the place.  I don't know how to catch him and I probably just don't have the energy because I don't want to know.   He swears he's doing nothing and that there's nothing wrong with me, yet he rarely comes near me.  Believe me...I take good care of myself and have had numerous offers to stray....it's just not something I can do.  I think he has the same type of addiction....what are the signs???  I don't think he's having an affair, just running around for quick satisfaction.....(still NO excuse).
 
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