Quote From: laneese I asked my H to sit down and watch this with me last night, (a big sacrifice for him, but he claims to want to get better) and I think it hit a little too close to home for both of us. The denials, accusations, pure madness and rage within the show had rendered both of us silent. We've not spoken about it yet. The only thing that he muttered was something about how I was "right," and I needed him to watch the show to show him how "right" I was. I just wanted to watch the dialog, (which is shockingly similar to ours) through others going through the same thing.
The anger and rage I saw in Wade, I have seen in my husband. That glazed over---coldness, almost homicidal "I'd do anything if you'd just shut the "F" up and get out of my face" look out of his eyes was a familiar stare.
I saw alarming and chilling similarities. For me though, it is easier to see this within Wade, because I didn't fall in love with him. I never saw his good side, and I never married him.
Since I have been recovery, my husband's folly has become more transparent to me, so I am better able to see the similarities.
My husband had gotten into severe bondage/pain pornography, and was turned on by the whole choking thing which I had zero tolerance for from the start. I am more bewildered about watching tonight's show fearing that it could trigger him...
Can these people change? Once a cheater, always a cheater? I no longer believe that all the hope and prayer in the world can help those that do not want to be helped....I keep hoping that my H can be the exception and not the rule, and that he can overcome his Narcissism and get real, because it's a lonelly place for both of us. We're civil, and friendly to one another on a sincere level, but there has been no intimacy or trust in months.
I grew up and spent my 20's as a consciousless little child using anyone in my path. I was a rebellious drifter, and party girl with no regard for myself or anyone else....though I do not recall consciously hurting anyone other than myself.
It was a long journey, beginning to really "grow up" in my 30's and at 42, I am on the right track, and making progress. There is not anything, and I do mean anything that would make me want to go down the old paths again. The sense of instant gratification is no longer there. So, if I can change, (and I was a tornado) then why can't he? Good people do bad things, so what now.....
I still have volumes to go, but I find the journey more rewarding (althought hellish) than the old acting out behaviors.
Am I a pathological optomist?
Hi,
I'm a 41 year old woman who doesn't want to join in this discussion because "things are getting better". but still....I don't know if I'm fooling myself.
Like you, I too sat down and watched yesterday's episode of Dr. Phil, Part One of the Wade and Michelle story.
Like you, I saw many disturbing similarities.
Oddly, I did not have to ask my partner to watch the show. He had recorded it on his own for us to watch together. This is unusual because he thinks shows like Dr. Phil are a waste of time.
I had seen most of the show at work. (I work in a television station) and I watched as much as I could because I was so captured by this couple and the parallels I saw. I didn't want to believe it.
I have been with my boyfriend for five years. We bought a house together a year and a half ago. A couple of months ago I found out that he cheated on me sporadically, trying to meet women online for a three year period prior to our buying the house.
I was devastated and told him we were done because I couldn't trust him anymore. Everything I thought we had, the foundation of our very relationship was a lie.
But then...I stayed. I stayed because I had one thin rope to cling to, the fact that the email account I found with all the old activity on it did not have anything bad on it since we started looking for houses. For the past two years he's only used it as an ebay contact address.
And I stayed because he told me that he thought i was the reason he was finally able to start breaking free of this longtime destructive compulsion. He went to counseling with his ex-wife who thought he was a sex addict. He doesn't believe he IS a sex addict, but he does admit he has a problem with sexual compulsions.
He has lots of porn...deviant porn. And he keeps buying it like a porno packrat. He says it "keeps him honest".
I have come to grips with the porn because I never see him watching it. Ever. It's like it doesn't exist and I figure that he's a grown man and if it doesn't affect me or our relationship, then it's harmless enough. Also, I've never seen porn as an evil. I prefer the tamer stuff and only every once in awhile. he's just more hard core than me.
He says he's "sexually curious".
Ugh.
But here we are...trying....I'm trying to understand him and I so "got it" when Michelle said she might be able to deal with his addictions and compulsions, but she can't deal with the lying. That's what bothers me most too and I wonder what is wrong with me that I don't just walk out on him. I feel very bad about myself for staying, but then again...if he admits to his failings, telling me and showing me how much he loves and values me, then how do I throw away what could be a positive future because of past transgressions?
I think my boyfriend is struggling to come out of a place where he cheated and lied and like Dr. Phil told Wade, lying has become such a habit, that he doesn't even think about it anymore and, in fact, has started lying to himself and believing himself. it's a dark hole one can fall into and if you let yourself fall far enough, you stop seeing daylight...heck, you just stop seeing.
But I think he's stopped his fall and is trying to crawl out. I'd like to say I'm at the top cheering him on, but I think I'm in the damn hole with him...struggling right along with him.
I don't know if that's good or bad for me, but I believe he's a good man and more importantly I think he WANTS to be a good man.
As we watched the show yesterday he asked me to pause it at the point where Dr. Phil asked Wade if he loved his wife more than pornography. I paused the show and my boyfriend looked me in the eye, touched my face and said, "I love you more than cheating on you. I admit that I think about things I shouldn't but I won't do it."
He meant this as an assurance, but that assurance came with a backward slap. He saw my reaction to the caveat, "I think about things I shouldn't" and he hurried to say, "I need to be honest with you."
Right.
Fine.
Great.
I need the honesty. It's a sign of respect for someone to be honest with another and how can we address our problems if we don't know what they are, but....I so wish he didn't think about "things"...heck, let me stop guilding the lily, I wish he didn't think about having sex with other women so much. I wish fidelity was not a daily battle for him.
He says he doesn't think about particular people, but he thinks about fooling around. It's something he used to do all the time...another habit...like the lying.
I want him to get help, but he doesn't want to see a therapist. He says his previous wife took him to two different therapists and they made him feel worse than a pervert. That makes me sad. If he has behavioural problems, he needs help, not condemnation. I know he hates the darker aspects of himself, but as he says, it's a constant battle.
I am cautiously optimistic, but I...well, I don't know....I really don't. It's scary. I have told myself and him that if I find out he's cheated on me in any way since we moved in together then we need to go our separate ways because I can't "rebuild" our relationship again. Life's too short to constantly be rebuilding things. If I build something with someone, I don't want them constantly knocking it down. I'm too darn old for this.
Well...this was a ramble, but after seeing the show and reading all these comments, yours struck me and so I was moved to add my voice to the cacophony of hurting and confused women here.
My boyfriend asked me to tape today's Dr. Phil, the second installment on Wade and Michelle, so I guess we'll sit down and watch that together as well, although I think if Wade is found to be a sociopath then my boyfriend will stop relating to this couple's problems and decide nothing that is said applies to him because he's not a sociopath.
good luck to all of us.
(Original Air Date: 11/19/07) Should you stay in a marriage with your husband if you find out a secret that disgusts you? Michelle thought she had the perfect marriage until recently, when she found out her husband of four years, Wade, was a sex addict and compulsive liar. He admits to cheating on her while she was pregnant, but says since then he's been faithful. Michelle made Wade take an online polygraph test that he failed. Why is Michelle convinced Wade is having an affair, and what proof does she say she has? Wade says there's a simple explanation and wants to take another lie detector test to prove his innocence. When Dr. Phil reveals the results of the second polygraph, will Michelle's fears be confirmed or put to rest? Concerned for the well-being of their two sets of twins, will Michelle decide to divorce Wade or hold on to the hope that their marriage can be healed? Join the discussion.
