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November 20, 2007, 9:16 pm PST
11/19 A Husband's Shocking Confessions
Quote From: lanee
I have a particular interest in the 3 part series starting Monday. I do
want to watch it, but am fearful of the (personal) triggers that may be
contained therein. I have it set to TIVO as I do for all of Dr. Phil's shows,
so that I can watch topics that interest me, or a loved one, which is most of
the time. I also TIVO so I can watch at a time that is more convenient for me
to watch since I have a little one, and my husband has an aversion to Dr.
Phil.
My husband is also a sex addict and compulsive liar. As I have
heard Dr. Phil say in the past, 'How do you know he's lying? Because his lips
are moving....' That is my husband.
We have been married for 6 1/2
years, and for the first 6 years, I was in full denial of the issues that were
before me. I had literally become brainwashed to believe that I was crazy
despite the disturbing content within his porn addiction, the inconsistencies of
his stories, his villanizing of me to my family, friends, and co-workers, his
sexual abuse of me, his objectification and devaluing of me, his total emotional
abandonment, anger, rage, denial, and projection of his shame on me. If I found
porn, it was my fault for looking, and I was a crazy f*ing 'C.' He truly was
incapable of believing anything I had to say at all. If any fact was said by
someone other than myself, it was indeed a fact or consideration. Anything I
had to say was immediately dismissed as my imagination, or I just didn't know
what I was talking about, or 'that's just stupid...'
If I questioned his
obviously inappropriate behavior with clients, other professionals, or
co-workers, I was made to believe that there was something wrong with my brain,
because I was making these things up in my head. He was in collusion with my
mother as the two of them took comfort in one another blaming my 'imagination'
for the discontent in their lives. The anger, rage, and distance that was a
daily ritual from him became unbearable for me. All the while, however, I
portrayed an image of the perfect marriage and family to everyone else.
To the outside, he played the victim so well. He comes across as such a
peaceful, understanding, empathetic man, but that is all an illusion.
His
children from a previous marriage stayed with us for a while, (2005 & 2006)
as we tried to blend the families. These children were violent, cruel,
manipulative, (beyond what the normal difficult dynamics that can exist between
step parents and step children) and they were openly abusive to our three year
old daughter in my presence. (They are 7 and 8 years older than she is) When
their father was home, the children were angelic. Anytime I would report their
severe abuse, he would deny any issues... Therefore adding to his case that I
was crazy, and that his children were fine. They were just being kids, and I
was the one with the problem.
I had suffered from alcohol issues in the
past, and unfortunately, during this time, I allowed myself to fall into that
trap once again, late at night after the kids were in bed. In my mind, I was
going crazy, and I needed something to make the pain and madness stop, even if
only temporarily. In my mind, nothing short of suicide could stop the intense
emptiness, so that is what I used to make myself stop feeling. At times, we had
loud arguments late at night because of this.
When I finally obtained
proof of abuse to my then 3 year old, we removed my step son from school, (he
was 10 at the time) turned him in to the police, and when they could not arrest
him (because my 3 year old could say 'what' happened, but she could not say
'when' it happened) we put him on a plane back to his mother, who is out of
state. The other child was already back with the mother.
I was very
stressed, teetering toward a breakdown, but tried to hold it together for the
sake of my daughter. The acting out from my husband, (extreme deviant porn,
sleeping with my friends, playing the victim, etc.) increased, and I was not
allowed to tell anyone about what happened to my daughter. When I did, there
was once again increased anger, rage, shame, and blame placed upon me, which I
readily accepted.
At this point, he was still in full denial of ever
acting out sexually, and that the porn was something that 'all guys did.'
Also, during this time, he was sexually aggressive with me, at times continued
thrusting when I cried out in pain, begging him to stop. He also began waking
me up in the middle of the night after I had gone to bed, and after using
alcohol or other sedatives, and he would have sex with me, and I would not
remember at all. It became a shame game for me because I never remembered, and
he would be so offended that I couldn't remember 'such an awesome experience,'
so I began pretending that I did remember.
He is a gun enthusiast, and
several of his favorite places on his computer back then were regarding how to
hire a hit man, and how to get away with murder, how to clean crime scenes,
etc. That was scary to me, and when confronted, he responded with his
usual...'you're just stupid.'
The downward spiral continued until June of
this year, when I turned to the Internet to find out what my problem was. I
started searching to find out what was wrong with me, because I felt to shameful
and inferior because of his porn use.
This is when my eyes were
opened.
Dr. Phil's site, among others, helped me to realize that I was
the co-dependent, or the co-sex addict. That these behaviors were NOT normal,
and that not only was I being abused, but coming to grips with the fact that I
was allowing it to happen. I had been in therapy for years, but once I got
everything on the table, it was suggested that I attend an outpatient intensive
therapy program. I was gone from home for 14 hours a day, Monday through
Friday, for 2 weeks, in an amazingIN YOUR FACEintensive program.
My
goal was to re-discover my sense of self, for me, but also so that I could model
positive behavior for my daughter that I had never learned. Up to that point,
all I had taught her was how to pretend things were OK when they truly were not,
how to smile, and hide real feelings. This is what I learned, and I knew that I
had to stop the cycle. I wanted to learn how to safely and effectively express
real feelings without fear of anger, denial, or retribution.
In the two
weeks I was in the intensive, I dealt with previously unknown childhood trauma
issues, etc., as well as my accountability in all of this, which was very hard
to face. I learned that I do have a voice, and a reason to be alive. I had
gone from a size 14 to a size 4, (at 5'9') and nearly destroyed my face from
picking from all the stress. I learned that I have body dismorphic issues that
I still struggle with. During this time, there was no disclosure from my
husband. In his words, he was merely holding down the fort while the crazy wife
got her therapy.
AFTER my intensive treatment was complete, my husband
regurgitated all of his affairs, lies, deceptions, becauase I had become
stronger and he was afraid of losing me. Now, he is so sorry, so regretful, and
so ashamed of how he lied, cheated, and punished me for his wrongs. I am the
only woman he has ever loved, blah, blah... Those are nice words. He went to
the same place I did for a few appointments, but finances haven't permitted
further treatment for him.
He claims to be a changed man, and reformed, but
just cannot seem to stop staring at other women, and internet attractions, etc.
Like the husband on the show, 'isn't it convenient' that all his infidelities
were in the past? Does that somehow make them OK? Why is it that it seems they
cannot admit to the more recent activities...are they less forgivable? I know
for a fact that I don't know the whole story, and his high horse of morality
will not allow him to face his real self, therefore allowing the rest of the
disclosure.
I have been sober from Alcohol for 10 weeks and counting. We
live in the same house, but in separate bedrooms. There is no conflict, no sex,
just more like roomates. Our 5 year old shares the bedroom with me, and is
excelling in her school. She is currently in therapy also, and doing quite
well.
My fear of watching the show is that it will reinforce the reality
that I have to leave him, but our home is in foreclosure, there is no money, no
support, no contingency plan, no nothing. I had wanted to return to work when
my baby was a year old, but was unable to because I wasn't 'allowed' to. He
works in my family's business, and he didn't want me nosing in his affairs. I
realize that I am not a victim, and I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF, but this
reminder might be too much.
I am currently seeking
employment again, we are moving into a rental together for financial reasons at
this point, but he acts as if we 'just need to move forward.' I agree with
that, but I cannot do that until I have a better understanding of why his switch
went off. I've been living in the fog of wondering when it will all happen
again. Then, if it does, how many years will be wasted then? It is nearly 7
years now.... it might be 10 or more.
My journey is in my blog, though
I've not posted in a month or so.
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=200544800
Thanks for letting me get this out....and
if you've made it this far, you're a real trooper!
My thoughts are with you... but if you watch the 3rd part of this series... you may fear fo your life. I hope this opens your eyes and you get out of this very TOXIC relationship! It wil be so much better for your children and YOU! Turn and make that chage and leave and make a new life fo yourself.
Take care of yourself...pleeeeeease!
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(Original Air Date: 11/19/07) Should you stay in a marriage with your husband if you find out a secret that disgusts you? Michelle thought she had the perfect marriage until recently, when she found out her husband of four years, Wade, was a sex addict and compulsive liar. He admits to cheating on her while she was pregnant, but says since then he's been faithful. Michelle made Wade take an online polygraph test that he failed. Why is Michelle convinced Wade is having an affair, and what proof does she say she has? Wade says there's a simple explanation and wants to take another lie detector test to prove his innocence. When Dr. Phil reveals the results of the second polygraph, will Michelle's fears be confirmed or put to rest? Concerned for the well-being of their two sets of twins, will Michelle decide to divorce Wade or hold on to the hope that their marriage can be healed? Join the discussion.
