Topic : 06/24 Banned from the Wedding, Part 2

Jane showed maturity and grace in her willingness to make change to repair her relationship w/ son and DIL.  If only son and DIL could do the same.

 

DIL is filled with so much hate and jealousy and it will eat her up and she will never find happiness for herself or her marriage.  I, for one, do not even allow the word HATE in my house.  You may not like something but life is way to short to waste energy on hate.  DIL may never LIKE MIL, but as long as she has so much HATRED for her, she is going to find herself miserable and lonely.  She needs to let go of the past.  Reassign her energy to accept differences in others' opinions.  We are all created the same, but we are not the same. There is beauty in that.  What a wonderful world we live in were we do not all think alike (imagine how boring it would be if we did).  With maturity, she will hopfully come to see this.  With understanding, and I truly believe Jane is suffering from a severe case of empty nest syndrome, DIL may even come to embrace the rewards of having an extended family.  If nothing else, DIL should free herself from hate to find healing and peace within.  Peace be with You!! 

 Hello, I am new on this board. When I watched this show I knew I had to join. My heart goes out

to the young man in the middle of this situation . When his relatives came on at the end and said

that HE should have been the one that stood by his mom a little more, blablabla, a light bulb

come on in my head. Oh my God !, he is me. I have been married for 25 years to the same man, that

my mother hates. For no other reason than he does not jump 10 feet high when she says  to.

I took me many years to realize that. I was raised by a verbally, mentally and physically abusive

mother that is a general without a army. I have sat by and listened to her tear down my sisters,

their children, and of course their husbands. Over the years she(by the way she is just like her

mother, my grandmother) has called my niece's sluts, whores, drunks, bitches, good for nothings,

unappreciative spoiled brats, I honestly could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. I am

the youngest of three , and we all have adults kids of our own and live within an hour of each

other and our mother. She has went into more rants at special occasion's or holidays than

I can even begin to mention that wrecks everything. I always was able to a least keep my children

at arms length from her, for me I would never put my children in a situation that they were going

to be abused by her. And that is what it is ABUSE!!!!! It all comes down to control, and if she

and this mother does not have it, all hell is going to break loose. Like my husband says he

has never seen anyone so evil and gruel in his entire life. So willing to hurt anyone that does

not agree or willing to accept that her rants are normal or wanted in our family. For me, I can

relate to this young man, he probably grew up with this controlling behavior from his mom and

is not mature enough to realize that it is not OK. For the bride, I am sure she is still in shock that

a mother can be this cruel. She is like my husband, the thought of a mother saying and doing

what our mothers do is unbelievable. But for us that have mothers like this, we have seen it

all of our lives, it nothing new. Truly, just because she says she has changed and will never

do this again, I have heard those words for years. "I don't remember saying that". " I did not

do that" well yes you did. The pain that this type of person inflicts on a family is crushing. The son

does not believe her because he knows that she is never going to change, without years of therapy

not just a few weeks. That is why I felt I had to write, that the in laws that came on and defended the

mother, more than likely do not know how much abuse(silent) has gone on in this womens house

for years, but her son does!!! Believe me it is not something that children of women like this talk

about. Some of us turn out just like the mother, and think this is the way you raise children, and some

of us finally realize that mom being unhappy if NOT our fault, and she is responsible for her own

actions. Bi-polar,manic,depressed, mentally unstable, could be all of them, but children

of parents like this can only do so much, we are to busy protecting OUR children from their

abusive grandmother. The difference with my children, when grandma ruins another holiday

I have made sure they understood that she is mentally ill, and is NOT stable and give them

the choice to attend or not, when she is coming. And if there are people out there that think that

is not right, you obviously have never been in this situation. Children need to be protected from

abusive parents, not learn by it.

Sorry if I went on to long, I feel very strong about what mental and verbal abuse is.

 Thanks

Altho I missed epi one, I don't think that  one Aunt "disowning" JAy means that his "family "disowned him, if in fact the Aunt did say that......

Your sure read a lot onto Michelle, you claim she is "not confrontational" DUH, thats about all I saw from her , that and immmaturity. And your plenty willing to beleive that Jays 's Aunt disowned him but NOT that Michelle called her MIL vile names. I don't think she looked like she was at a "breaking" point, in fact I thought she looked like she was enjoying the attention . Your lack of belief in peoples ability to change is sad, really sad. To quote someone, "No matter how flat you make a pancake, it still has TWO sides!"

Altho I missed epi one, I don't think that  one Aunt "disowning" JAy means that his "family "disowned him, if in fact the Aunt did say that......

Your sure read a lot onto Michelle, you claim she is "not confrontational" DUH, thats about all I saw from her , that and immmaturity. And your plenty willing to beleive that Jays 's Aunt disowned him but NOT that Michelle called her MIL vile names. I don't think she looked like she was at a "breaking" point, in fact I thought she looked like she was enjoying the attention . Your lack of belief in peoples ability to change is sad, really sad. To quote someone, "No matter how flat you make a pancake, it still has TWO sides!"

I thought it was very telling that the son & daughter in law came with a list of 15 things that were a "must do" and yet the Mother came with no such list.  That should be proof that Mom was making progress.  Also disappointed the "couple" who were demanding mom acknowledged what she had done, were not willing to acknowledge what they did to contribute to the mess.  Sure glad she isn't my daughter in law.

This topic prompted me to register and post a comment, like many others I've read here. I feel frustration and compassion for Michelle, Jane, Jay and their families, and for those who've written their personal experiences on this topic--I've got them as well. I've been married almost 22 years and have 3 sons who give and have given us many joys. Despite learning disabilities, ADD, severe medical issues (including kidney transplantation--donor and recipient surgeries) and financial difficulties, they excel in academics and music, and have good, faith-filled hearts and minds. I would be devastated if I was kept from their weddings. I would be ashamed if I didn't try to set a good example for them and their signicant others in my own actions and words. After many and varied attempts over several years to work through issues with almost no cooperation on my inlaws part, we regretfully gave up and quit trying. So many things were on our plates and we just couldn't handle it anymore. The result is that they have missed our sons' middle, high school and a few college years of birthdays, holidays, vocal and instrumental concerts, musicals, region and all state wind ensemble performances, marching band shows--including state and regional championships, first holy communions, confirmations, etc, etc, etc. but especially getting to know them and being their aunts, uncles, cousins, gramma and grampa. I'm glad I've insisted that my husband go with our kids to visit them occasionally, but after reading all these responses, I think he should go more often, and maybe I should try to reconnect with them as well.

 

I implore the 2 families involved in these 2 shows to get a grip and committ to making this work for the sake of everyone's sanity, especially that of any children that are or will be affected. Read Dr Phil's books, follow his years and years of advice--be authentic, you can't change what you won't acknowledge, how's that workin' for ya?, get excited about your life, etc. Relationships are like patients--if you don't keep them healthy with the proper food, fluids, activities, they die. They're also like a bank account--you need to make deposits to make them grow, or you will be bankrupt. You can be forgiving and move forward without being enabling. Each of you can greatly benefit from professional counseling and mediated conflict resolution. Please give the process a chance--it is definitely well worth the time and effort. Dedicate yourselves to starting right now to focus on the positive, healthy, constructive things you can do and do not allow the negative, unhealthy, destructive things to have a foothold.

 

To Dr. Phil, I do have to say that too many times for me to count you have taught couples that when the husband's parent is a problem, it's his responsibility to lead in the resolving process with them, and vice versa for the wife, but I didn't see you saying that here. There were also many factors not reported in these 2 shows--there was something the participants didn't want brought out. Many questions remain unanswered. Does Jay have a dad? Where is he? Why does Jane have so much anger/pain? Why did Michelle's first marriage/relationship fail? Does she have a dad, and where is he? Did jay and Michelle get premarital counseling? What family system/dynamics existed in each family prior to Jay and Michelle meeting, and since then up to their wedding? It just seems curious that these 2 shows had some elements missing that are usually revealed when you do these types of shows. Thanks, Donna

 Could the bride have rolled her eyes anymore? There are the two sides to every story but she took no responsiblity for her actions. She came off like she was jealous of the relationship between her husband and his mother had before she came in the picture and was going to make sure she is number 1 in his life and there isn't room for another woman even his mother. She made it clear she rules the roost. It was going to be her way or no way. The mother will have to just conform to the way she wants it or not be involved in her son's life plain and simple.
I felt for the mother I'm sure her actions weren't always called for but when someone threatens your relationship with your son I believe you do go into pit bull mode and butting heads with someone who is always right and there is no getting through to must've been so frustrating. I am glad she is able to talk about her frustrations and anger about the whole situation with someone.  She is making such a effort to repair the damage she needs to be commended.

Yes, the aunt did say that. If you read the intro to this episode written by the Dr. Phil staff, it specifically states she "disowned" him. Okay maybe they ALL didn't  "disown" him, but the "posse" was there to give support to Jane and not Jay. Also, I did not say Michelle is "not confrontational" . Period. I said, it is hard to believe that she has always been this way. Yes, she is right now, but I think she has been driven to that! I do have the belief that this girl is probably a decent person outside of this situation. How do you know she is not?! How do you know that Jane is the only victim? Like I said before, we do not know the whole story. It seems to me You are the one looking at only ONE side of the proverbial pancake!

I have been disowned by my son, and in fact have not spoken with him in almost one year.  In a matter of 3 months I went from liking his girlfriend, and encouraging his relationship with her, to this.  I was given no warning, no chance to understand, or the opportunity to resolve the problem.  Until this day, I nor anyone else understands what happened.  They refuse to talk to anyone about it and those they still talk to them have been forbidden to bring me up or they will be disowned as well.  My DIL has never said a bad word about me or called me any names to my face nor have I of her.  Yet, she and her mother abandoned my son on the interstate because he did not slam the door in my face when I showed up (the one and only time I did) to try to work things out face to face.  They had not responded to phone messages where I begged them to get together to find out what was going on, nor the letters I wrote telling them how sorry I was for whatever I had done that upset them so badly, and how even sorrier I was not to already know what that was.    For the past year I have sought counseling and prayer to get me through this and yet…I still have moments when I am overwhelmed with a sense of loss that I have to fight to keep from letting it take me over.  I feel like my son has died, only worse, he has chosen to allow me to go through this.

 

I once said something really disrespectful to a cousin of mine about his mother.  He looked at me and said “has she ever been mean to you?” and I thought about it a minute and then said “no” to which he replied “well she is my mother and I would appreciate you not talking about her that way.  He was about 12.  I realized then that it did not matter that she was selfish and bad to him what matter was she was part of who he was and to talk badly about her was the same as talking badly about a part of him.  I was about 18 at that time and have remembered it these past 30 years.  It is ok to Hate what people do but we shouldn’t Hate the people we should pray for them.  I love my son and would have loved my DIL had I had the chance.  I missed the two most important days of his life his wedding and the birth of his first child and though I forgive him I can’t ever have those times back – they are gone forever.

 

This couple and the M/MIL have one thing I do not – they had a chance to be heard and a chance to make things right.  Life is too damb short and family is really all you ever have.  I have a grandchild now that I have never met and may never have a chance to meet – and I would do anything to have a chance to make things right if I could.

 

I understand your pain of loosing your son to a woman who turned him away from you. 

 

I also did nothing but exist and breathe air, but that was too much existance for my son's jealous, controlling wife too.  Oh, yeah, I also have two grandkids I haven't seen in 15 years.

 

Life goes on, and after a few years of internal misery I said the h_ _ _ with it.  I didn't do anything but happen to be his mother.  I would have loved to have had a relationship with both of them.  He cut off his own b_ _ _ _ to please his domineering wife.  So be it.

 

I decided to maintain my own dignity and personal respect and not spend the rest of life begging for their attention.  Life goes on.