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Topic : 06/24 Banned from the Wedding, Part 2

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Created on : Tuesday, November 20, 2007, 06:04:42 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 11/27/07) Dr. Phil follows up with a family torn apart when the mother was banned from her only son’s wedding. The bride-to-be, Michelle, said she’d rather burn in hell than let her future mother-in-law, Jane, attend the ceremony, and her fiancé, Jay, stood behind her decision. This sent the entire family into a tailspin, with the best man resigning, the aunt disowning the groom and the wedding planner on alert to call 911 if Jane showed up. The big day has come and gone, and everyone returns to update Dr. Phil with the latest. Were they able to bury the hatchet before the wedding? Jane has gone through a rollercoaster of emotions, and Dr. Phil finds out what has her so mad at him, she even wrote him a scathing letter one week after her appearance. Has Jane done a 180-degree turn since? Has Michelle stopped her “campaign of hate mail” as Jane called it and opened up her arms to her husband’s mother? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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November 24, 2007, 5:42 pm CST

BTB EVIL, SPOILED, SELF CENTERED BRAT!!!!!!

 I have to admit that I am quite worried that there are actually people on this planet that can be so heartless.  It shouldn't matter what the mother in law to be (MITB) said in the past.  She has apologized and begged for forgiveness.  If I were the MITB I would find it very difficult to sit and take the continued accusations of the BTB (God forbid, can't the son see the real truth?) after apologizing to her and crying in front of the whole world (practically).  The BTB just wants to be right and show the MITB that she now has control of the son.  I can understand a bride not wanting to be married to a mommy's boy but that should be a topic discussed between the BTB and the GTB.  And IF the MITB is too demanding then the GTB should discuss that in private with his mother.

 

This spoiled rotten bride has not been brought up well.  She obviously is use to getting her own way and is testing the GTB to see if he will put her before his mother.  He will loose no matter which way he goes unless he intervenes and shows respect toward his mother and the spoiled BTB and handles the situation in a fair and honorable way that can bring a compromise by each.  HOWEVER, if either of the women feels they have to continue to belittle the other after the GTB feels he has come up with a good compromise then I would again in a firm but loving tone, state the compromise and ask that each day forward is a new day.  If one woman has a problem with the other in the future, it would be nice of them to go to lunch together and calmly discuss their feelings.  And each needs to know that their feelings may not be what is actually happening.  Sometime we can feel someone doesn't like us and we find out later that they not only liked us but loved us.  Our feelings were incorrect.

 

There is no reason the BTB and MITB have to be great friends or see each other hardly at all.  They both need to think of the son and GTB and his feelings.  A son should be allowed and want to visit his mother periodically and the wife should not begrudge that and know that she doesn't have to visit with him.

My husband is an only child at 63 and his mother is 90.  He goes over every Saturday and takes her grocery shopping and makes sure things are attended to that are important to his mother that she can no longer do.  She isn't the best house keeper and she will not allow any of us to help and she can afford to hire a cleaning lade though she refuses to spend the money and believes she is capable and needs the exercise anyway.  I love her but going over and sitting in a very filthy house is not my idea of a good time.  We get along fine when we speak and do see each other.  I don't begrudge his time with her and she will insist he take good care of me when I am sick.

  I truly hope this BTB doesn't have kids right away and use them to keep his husband away from his mother.  There should be forgiveness and forgiveness should be asked by both women and given.  If you both love this man, then don't cause him grief.  If one of the women continues to cause grief, then he would be stupid to put up with it. 

 

There has to be limits, rules, guidelines to follow with these two families.  It is apparent that neither of the parties have much knowledge and experience with respecting people, overlooking another's weaknesses and forgiveness.

 

 I still believe the BTB's parent's should be ashamed of themselves.  Nobody thinks their child is capable of being cruel.  Well think of all the murderers behind bars or put to death.  Their parents didn't think they were capable of killing either.  Wake up Mom and Dad!  Your daughter is very self centered and you are just pushing her more towards the edge.  She will have no friends or men who will care for her long if they are worth having because smart people walk away from people like her.

 
November 24, 2007, 8:01 pm CST

Not Invited

One of my sisters married a few years ago, but neither Dad nor myself were invited to her wedding.   Nobody told me about the wedding, although one aunty let it slip it was on an island somewhere.   One of my brothers-in-law mentioned it on the radio during an interview, so someone from my Bible Study heard it and told me. When I questioned Mum, she said there wasn't much point as I wasn't invited and my sister didn't want me there.   My sister has a real attitude problem - she is hung up on image and a real snob.   A few people were shocked and appalled my sister did this, as she makes it very clear she doesn't want Dad or me in her life. Dad should have been invited to the wedding, as Father of the Bride.   I feel sad because I can't have a proper relationship with my niece and nephew, as it's not fair to discriminate against them because of their mother's actions.
 
November 24, 2007, 8:16 pm CST

Why?

I don't understand why you keep dragging these people on the show.  If my son thought I was too much trouble I would just say "fine, just don't come running to me when you need something."   Men will do anything for a woman until he marries her and lives with her a little while.  The Mother should just back off and I can almost guarantee he will be divorced from her in record time.  And it won't be long before they will want something and that is just too bad.  I have 2 sons, one in a similar situation except that I just totally stay out of it.  It kills me to see him used like he is, but he is an adult and he has to learn for himself.  I mean where do these people come from.  I'm from Oklahoma and everyone thinks we are all a bunch of hicks.  Obviously they are everywhere.

 

The Troll 

 
November 24, 2007, 8:45 pm CST

My question is...

 

My question is this... Did the mother & daughter in law ever get along?  There must have been some point towards the beginning where they atleast tolerated each other.  What made this escalate to such a level?  This is one thing I kept wondering while watching the show, but never got an answer.  I just hope that they can resolve their issues, cause it's not going to be a happy environment to bring kids into.  Also, the son needs to start sticking up for his mom.  We all have moms, and yes they can be overbearing at times, or even nosey, but there's no way I would let anyone treat my mother that way!

 

Sincerley,

Angela

 
November 24, 2007, 8:55 pm CST

WHAT!?!?

Quote From: mac2372

I FIND IT INTERESTING THAT EVERYONE FEELS SORRY FOR THE MOTHER IN LAW.  SHE IS NO ANGEL.  I MYSELF AM A DAUGHTER IN LAW TO A WOMAN WHO PRETTY MUCH IGNORES MY EXISTANCE.  SHE PLAYS FAVORITES WITH HER OTHER DAUGHTER IN LAW---OVER THAT OF HER OWN DAUGHTER.  SHE PLAYS FAVORITES WITH HER GRANDCHILDREN.  OFTEN TIMES PEOPLE POINT FINGERS AND MAKE ASSUMPTIONS THAT IT IS THE BRIDES JOB TO MAKE NICE WITH THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM........HOWEVER, IT WOULD SEEM THAT IT IS JUST AS MUCH THE MOTHERS RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE NICE WITH THE BRIDE.  AS FOR THE SON.  MAYBE HE SEES THE PICTURE FOR WHAT IT IS.  MAYBE HE IS SIDING WITH HIS BRIDE TO BE BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW HIS MOTHER IS AND BEHAVED IN THE PAST.  AS FOR MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF WE SPEND VERY LITTLE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY.  USUALLY DURING THE HOLIDAYS ONLY.  THEN FOR AS SHORT A TIME AS WE MUST.  WE BOTH GET LITTLE ENJOYMENT OUT OF IT.  THERES ALOT OF COMPETITION BETWEEN THE OTHER DAUGHTER IN LAW AND MY HUSBANDS SISTER.  SO TAKE A LOOK AT THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM AND CUT SOME SLACK TO THE YOUNG BRIDE.

Oh come on!  Give me a break, you could see it in that girls eyes.  She showed nothing but hate for her mother-in-law.  There is a time when you need to be the bigger person, and just stop the childish behavior.  Cut off the oxygen supply- the fire wont burn.  As far as your comment on hardly spending any time with your husbands side of the family, and not enjoying it when you do, what kind of effect fo you think that will have on your children?  You may not agree with that way your in-laws act, but kids atleast need the chance to have that bond with their Grandparents, and make that decision for themselves.

 

Angela

 
November 25, 2007, 4:42 am CST

Can't wait to see this!

The MIL wrote a scathing letter to DR. PHIL?????  HA!  I didn't buy her "poor me" attitude then and her behavior on the show sure proved she was the problem!!   No wonder the son and DIL don't want her to be around.  Further proof that this lady needs to get some serious therapy. 

 

To the son.............GOOD FOR YOU FOR STANDING UP TO YOUR MOTHER!!!   That takes a lot of courage!!  I wish you a long and happy marriage!

 

btw......If that woman were my kids grandmother..........I wouldn't let her near them!!!!

 
November 25, 2007, 7:38 am CST

Husband Needs to Speak Up!

I had a mother-in-law who wanted her son to marry someone else. When he first introduced me to her, she wouldn't even say "hello." That should have been my first clue to run, but I loved her son and so put up with this woman's coldness for 19 years until we divorced. For the first 5 years of our marriage I tried everything to make this woman like me, and nothing worked. Everyone in the family was afraid of her and my husband would never say anything to his mother, which caused me to lose a lot of respect for him. When we had children, she ignored them in favor of her other grandchildren, so finally, I resigned myself to my situation and distanced myself from her. I've often thought that if she had tried to meet me even halfway, it would have influenced my decision not to divorce her son, because I would have loved his family! My daughter-in-laws and I enjoy wonderful relationships so this woman gave me a great gift - I learned to accept my sons choices and love them unconditionally. In this case - the son needs to "man up" as Dr. Phil would say, and put his mother in his place as well as his bride - she seems a bit immature and self-centered herself. But bottom line - he needs to speak up!
 
November 25, 2007, 7:42 am CST

The Bigger Person

Quote From: ang_tim94

Oh come on!  Give me a break, you could see it in that girls eyes.  She showed nothing but hate for her mother-in-law.  There is a time when you need to be the bigger person, and just stop the childish behavior.  Cut off the oxygen supply- the fire wont burn.  As far as your comment on hardly spending any time with your husbands side of the family, and not enjoying it when you do, what kind of effect fo you think that will have on your children?  You may not agree with that way your in-laws act, but kids atleast need the chance to have that bond with their Grandparents, and make that decision for themselves.

 

Angela

If it's a matter of stopping the "childish behavior" and being the "bigger person" than I would think that the mother-in-law, being the mature one, would be able to do so. Again, the son needs to "man up" and deal with this situation, not sit there like a wet blanket. Mother-in-laws should be willing to back off when their children get married so that their in-laws will enjoy having them around, not dread it.
 
November 25, 2007, 9:33 am CST

CRUELTY - MANIPULATIONS - HATRED - RAGE - REVENGE

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a psychological disorder characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior.  This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. 

 

While less known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2% of adults (1-33), mostly females.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight are:

 

 

Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward AND Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss OR Emotional Unavailability:  Recognizing It, Understanding It...by Bryn Collins

 

Get Me Out of Here:  My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland OR Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen OR Stop Walking on Eggshells:  Taking Your Life Back...by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger

 

Understanding the Borderline (Parent) Mother:  Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson OR Surviving a Borderline Parent:  How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman

 

Overcoming Passive-Aggression:  How to Stop Hidden Anger from Spoiling Your Relationships...by Tim Murphy and Loriann Oberlin OR High Conflict People in Legal Disputes by Bill Eddy

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm 

 

Healing Anxiety and Depression (7 types of anxiety and depression) by Daniel Amen and Lisa Routh OR Getting Help:  The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Self-Assessment and Treatment of Mental Health Problems by Jeffrey Wood

 

 

Though harder to spot, emotional abuse is easier to deny.  But just as physical and sexual abuse have signposts to mark their presence, emotional abuse, being a systematic attack on one's sense of self, has common traits.  Just as physical and sexual abuse come in degrees of severity, emotional abuse runs the gamut of intensity and damage.  

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

 
November 25, 2007, 10:28 am CST

Banned from the Wedding, Part 2

Quote From: mgrlady

The MIL wrote a scathing letter to DR. PHIL?????  HA!  I didn't buy her "poor me" attitude then and her behavior on the show sure proved she was the problem!!   No wonder the son and DIL don't want her to be around.  Further proof that this lady needs to get some serious therapy. 

 

To the son.............GOOD FOR YOU FOR STANDING UP TO YOUR MOTHER!!!   That takes a lot of courage!!  I wish you a long and happy marriage!

 

btw......If that woman were my kids grandmother..........I wouldn't let her near them!!!!

I totally agree with you.  The MIL is immature, hateful, and stupid.  Michelle is an adult & is entitled to make her own decisions about her own choices.  I wouldn't let my grandkids around that woman either.  I would move as far away from her as possible.  You're right about her being the problem.  I would even get a restraining order to keep her away.
 
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