Topic : 06/24 Banned from the Wedding, Part 2

Jay, do you realize that the only people who didn't get to go to your wedding were from YOUR side of the family? Your wife has a firm grip on that ring you have in your nose - she's leading you around by it and you have fallen for it, hook, line and sinker. You sounded ridiculous on the Dr Phil show. It was apparent that your words were just parrot phrases taught to you by wifey. You are the one who has allowed this to be blown out of all proportion, this was your responsibility to fix and you chose to hide behind your wife's vitrolics. What a mean, spoiled person she is! Boy will you be in trouble when the bloom wears off! Living with her is gonna be real interesting. And it's also interesting that she has already informed the world that your mom (not hers, just yours) will have no communication with any future children. Wow, what a plan! Good job, Jay, of allowing your mother to be treated so badly over pretty minor stuff. Of course, it's perfectly ok if wifey writes all her venomous messages on myspace. Do you have any idea how really mean she is to do that? Scary! Grow a pair, buddy!

Let me first say that I understand the in-law dynamic and it's not always easy. My husband is an only child as well so it has been really difficult at times getting his mother to let go and understand that her son has enough love for us both. Through it all though I would never ever have banned her from our wedding. That is probably one of the most important days in her son's life and she deserves to share in it. Because of the love I have for my husband I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I made a decision that we both will regret the rest of our lives.

Michelle doesn't seem to be concerned with anyone but herself. I have so much more respect for the mom b/c she acknowledged what she did wrong while Michelle and Jay just kept pointing fingers. Michelle has been no angel, yet she was placing demands on the mother. Does she really realize how silly she sounded, when she said she cut up the flowers that the mother sent. I think Michelle's real motivation is to do anything to hurt the mother.

And I am absolutely appalled at how Jay allows Michelle to speak to his mother. No matter what she has done it doesn't erase that she raised him and is the only mother he has. I would be very surprised if Jay and Michelle are still together in two years and if they aren't Jay will soon realize how important family is as he has alienated everyone.

I just have two words for Michelle's mother....shut up!

So, how far is far enough?  How repentant is repentant enough, and at what point does an act of repentance on her part, become simple cruelty on theirs? 

 

Speaking as a family peacemaker, there is so much more to be gained when a family member moves towards reconciliation, and nothing to be gained by making them grovel endlessly.  To tell someone that they will only gain forgiveness after they have been punished for an indefinite period of time, creates rifts, not bridges.  Every party has part of the blame to shoulder, and if everyone could accept responsibility for their part, they might actually move on from here.

 

 

MIL / DIL        DIL / MIL

 

There are two sides to every story, but I get frustrated with Dr Phil when he says that someone needs to stand up and be the hero.  Sometimes that's neither possible nor desirable.

 

What does one do when the MIL is clearly mentally ill?  When no friends are left because she has driven them all away?  When her other son moved to France to get away from her?  When all but one of her six sisters alienated their families in exactly the same way?  When she turns on her 13 year old grandson in a restaurant, stands up and yells abuse because he politely said, "No thank you, Granny" five times when she tried to force him to taste food off her plate.

 

She hasn't spoken to us in more than a year.  After 18 years of this sort of behavior from her, my husband has decided good riddance.  Frankly, I am very happy with this arrangement, but it eats away unseen at my husband's soul.  I am also worried that it's not a good example for my children on how to treat a sick, old family member.  No matter how difficult some members of my own family are, my husband and I treat them with respect publicly, and only later do we let off steam by privately laughing off their eccentricities once the children are in bed. 

 

Sucking up and apologizing to my MIL for my son's 'bad' behavior, which is what she wants, would start the visits and cycle of verbal abuse again.  This would allow her to eat away at her grandchildren's self esteem.

 

What to do?

 

Isn't it better sometimes to just cut all contact with the mentally ill?  I know that sounds harsh.  It's not the course of action that I would want in an ideal world.  I wish my husband could get her help, but she refuses to consider it. 

 

When she was verbally abusing only me, I withstood it for the sake of my husband and children, who wanted to maintain family contact.  Now that my MIL has turned on her grandson, I can't allow it anymore.

 

She's cut the contact, but if she hadn't, I would have.

 

What would Dr Phil say about that?

Jay,  Your mom loves you and will always be your mother.  Your wife is not showing her respect.  I see your mom has a peace about her now, that I didn't see in the other show.  Remember Dr. Phils words... "Karma".  What you put out in the world is what you get back.  How can you allow your wife to treat your mother that way.  What spell are you under?  YOU show respect for your mother not matter what.  What benefit would she have in seeing you unhappy.  YOU be the bigger man too.  Think about how much time you really have with your mom left in this life.  You don't want to regret.

SO robbing your kids of what could be a wonderful relationship is a good solution???? I have a bad mother in law as well, I am not going to call her everyday, but  at the same timeI would never cut her out of our wedding. No body ever said it was okay for Jane to call her names, but at least Jane is taking some steps to make things better. Michelle likes to get the pot going, and is making zero attempt in this situation, all she cares about is being right(come on arguing about forwarded mailfor her husband???)...Michelle choose that family, just like I choose my husbands family, so therefore you makean honest attempt to make things right, for your kids and husband.My husband puts up with my family, and they aren't perfect, and that is part of being in a healthy relationship, not giving up on people when they get difficult.You wouldn't want that happening to you one day would you????What if your daughter in law/son in law treats your child horribly, are you going to stand back and smile????

At least you vist sometimes. You may not enjoy it and you have decided to deal with it your way..But it doesn't sound like you have forced your husband to completely abandon his family.  And I bet your MIL was at the wedding.  Despite how either one of you may have felt about her at the time.

 

 

I agree 100%.

 

Why can we see this and Dr. Phil does not.  I also think Michelle will cheat.  If I  heard right she has a kid already (not Jay's).   So, she's been around the block.

 

Not only that, but she clearly has no conscience and she will be very likely to do what feels good to her at some point down the road, and that will be whatever makes her feel young and sexy again.  I am not as optomistic as some on the board.  I think the marriage will go for at least ten years, maybe more.  But I don't think Jay will be happy.  I think he will jump through  hoop after hoop doing things for Michelle and her mom to keep Michelle happy.  I don't think he will have friends or hobbies and he won't see his family at all or very little.  He will also be reduced to very small role with the kids, except for caretaking while she goes for pedicures and nights out with friends.  She'll reprimand him for everything he does and pick him apart for his looks, etc.  In other words, he should feel lucky to be married to such a pretty princesss. 

 

He'll be more misserable than he ever made his mom.   He'll have to pay child support and maybe alimony too so his wife can go party and be with someone else.  I really see that as the future.  SAD!

 

I hate to see another man make the same mistake, but as long as men marry before they are grown up and marry these evil little manipulators then this phenomena will continue to drive the divorce rate up and destroy family values in our country. Thanks Jay to you and all those guys like you.  We don't have to worry about the cycle breaking anytime soon.

Michelle, You are a 'B'!  Husband (forgot your name since you didn't really get involved), you are a wuss!  I have not seen ANYTHING in 2 shows that would make your wife's behavior acceptable.  Honor your father and mother.  You are led around by your wife and have not honored your mother!  I've never seen such a smug person as Michelle on Dr. Phil.  Husband, you need to put her in her place!  Michelle, you need to back off and l let your husband be the man.  YOU need to be asking for forgivness not his mother!!!  YOU need therapy!   Not letting her mail his mail to the house???  Oh Please!  There are so many more serious thing to get upset about in life!!!  Your life isn't so squeeky clean. 

 

 

You can never undo not inviting his mother.  Even his friends agree you are wrong!  Husband, I hope Dr. Phil has you on when you get divorced because she will run you off too.  That is, if you are man enough to not take her abuse!

I have been watching the show and it seems to me that mom and her son need to address whatever issues they have (without his wife), because it seems that it runs from before the girl/wife showed up. 

That wife needs to put herself in his shoes.  How would she feel if she never spoke to her mother again, and then she's "gone".  That is time that cannot be gotten back.  Maybe the mom needs some sort of medication for anxiety so she is not so emotional.  But this show issue seems pretty petty 2 me.  And I don't give that marriage 5 years. - camplodi