Quote From: lighthouseguyI'm one that finds considerable fault on all sides here, but I admit to being baffled by those who only look to one being at fault for everything.
1. I totally agree that MIL is nearly impossible to deal with, is an actress, has probably started this whole mess (although Jay and Michelle have
refused to ever say what it was), and is very insincere with politician-like apologies that no one could take seriously. I will also say, and have said in an earlier post, that my own mom makes this one look like a cake walk. I mean that seriously. My own mom got her sons to fight at our father's funeral preparations. That was her idea of entertainment. I think I know what kind of mom this MIL is on this show and I am not fooled or mislead by her rather phony attempts to make things right with her son and DIL. She vaguely apologies while admitting
nothing. That is like rubbing salt in an open wound. We all want our hurts and pains acknowledge and Michelle and Jay are absolutely right to demand that of this MIL as she still refuses acknowledge much of her fault in this mess.
2. Michelle's behavior is nothing to brag about or "applaud" as you stated. Her myspace directed at her MIL (whom she invited to read it) was completely inappropriate and immature (are we in high school here?) and she actually admitted to initiating much of the contact with the mom even though she tells the mom not to contact them. Why? For the drama that follows. She is a self-centered little drama queen (send me flowers and I'll get a restraining order on you and then I have 15 things you need to do before I lift that). If you are going to focus on what Dr. Phil said to the MIL, then also consider what he said to the DIL you want to "applaud" so much. He told her that
nothing the MIL could have done can rationalize or defend
her conduct and that she lacks humility and graciousness for which she rolled her eyes for like the upteenth time. I was personally most appauled at her comment, said with a wicked smile, that "you will have nothing to do with our future children." Good grief, the kids aren't even born yet and Michelle already plans to use them as weapons. I totally understand Dr. Phil's comment at her being unable to justify her behavior
regardless of what the MIL may or may not have done.
3. Jay, who could be the peacemaker in all this, literally sits on his hands. He never told his wife to calm down, watch her tone, told her "I'll handle my mom," or anything when speaking to this mother. That is still
his mother and although her conduct is rather inexcusable two wrongs never make a right (well, she spoke disrespectfully to my wife, so she deserves it back --well, isn't that mature). He can maintain a separate relationship with his mother and keep the two women separate from each other, but, being pushed by his wife, is making a choice to cut one out and it doesn't have to be that way. My own wonderful wife who never hurt my mother can't be in the same room as my evil, vicious, manipulative mother, but I still have some kind of relationship with her
and she still sees her grandkids. I just don't force (or allow) these two important women in my life an opportunity to hurt each other. I side with my wife, that's the right thing to do, but also don't disrespect my mom (although she actually deserves it) either. I also don't use my childred as pawns in this dispute between my mother and my wife.
In addition, Jay has dumped this whole thing in his wife's lap because he can't deal with it (or at least appears not to be able to). Did you notice how ALL the contact between the women don't involve him? Michelle does all the calling and emailing (and the myspace crap). Michelle admitted this. There is no distortion of facts her. Jay acts like he's "out of it, it's between them." That is BS. It's
his mother, therefore,
his problem to handle! He continues to not handle it and typically says how he "agrees" with his wife (as if she has made the decisions). That is why so many on here keep crying about how he isn't acting like a real man and appears to be manipulated by his wife. She truly does appear to be handling everything and he just sits there in agreement. All I can add to that is that it's a good thing his mother didn't keep a score card like he and Michelle do and then give him a 15 item list of what he has to do to regain her love. Imagine if every mother did that!
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See, there is plenty of blame to go around. Not everyone who sees Jay and Michelle as the problem are a part of the MIL's posse, or are the MIL in disguise here, or are suckers for "buying" Jane's "act." What an outrageously silly claim that hurts your points, not add to them. In addition, one can't say the same about you either and those that agree with you. I doubt you are Michelle in disguise or a part of her posse or just a fool for "buying" into Michelle and Jay's "act." We are just people on here with opinions, but all sides need the same fair analysis. Focusing on one ("just go back and read some of the things that Jane said!" and "Even DR. PHIL said to Jane, . . .") and
ignoring the other side doesn't help or add credibility to an argument. In debate that is called "begging the question." If one focuses on only one side then people will naturally feel like they are being begged to ask questions about the other side. In the end, it makes your side look weak as if you are afraid to admit or give credit to the other side as having any points.
Sorry, I see nothing here for you and others in agreement with you to "applaud" regarding Jay and Michelle's conduct. They have a major role in how this whole situation got "ran off into the ditch" as Dr. Phil would say. I, too, would have banned this mother from the wedding if she was so determined to ruin it. Only those in support of the marriage should be present, but it would be a hurtful and difficult decision and I would explore all possibilities other than banning that might work. I don't believe for one second it was a decision anyone should applaud, praise, or pat someone on the back for as it was an ugly decision (even if it was one they were forced to make). It may have been necessary, and, again, I may have done it as well, but Jay and Michelle are gloating over it as some great victory. If it is to be considered any kind of victory (and it can be) it shouldn't be celebrated or praised. Heck, even Lincoln knew better than to praise the victory at Gettysburg even though it was a victory that turned the tide of the war and perserved the Union because he understood that many lives were lost that day on both sides. Some victories should be handled with humility and graciousness and that's even when the losers might not really deserve it. That's taking the high road in Dr. Phil's world.
This post, and your first one, along with freewillstands post have such great advice and resource material--I sincerely hope these 2 families are reading these and choose to follow them. Taking a side is not helpful--everyone should be on the side of each relationship and do whatever is necessary to nurture a good relationship with each other. I'm learning quite abit from some of these posts and responses--thanks everyone for your time and efforts. I also love lighthouses. And, I thoroughly enjoyed several of Charles Swindoll's books--more material that could really help these two families!
(Original Air Date: 11/27/07) Dr. Phil follows up with a family torn apart when the mother was banned from her only son’s wedding. The bride-to-be, Michelle, said she’d rather burn in hell than let her future mother-in-law, Jane, attend the ceremony, and her fiancé, Jay, stood behind her decision. This sent the entire family into a tailspin, with the best man resigning, the aunt disowning the groom and the wedding planner on alert to call 911 if Jane showed up. The big day has come and gone, and everyone returns to update Dr. Phil with the latest. Were they able to bury the hatchet before the wedding? Jane has gone through a rollercoaster of emotions, and Dr. Phil finds out what has her so mad at him, she even wrote him a scathing letter one week after her appearance. Has Jane done a 180-degree turn since? Has Michelle stopped her “campaign of hate mail” as Jane called it and opened up her arms to her husband’s mother? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
