Topic : 06/24 Banned from the Wedding, Part 2

The bride, the mother, and the groom all need to weigh the price they will pay for their pride, their need to be right.

When I look at my beautiful grandchildren I know that I would give up the need to be right, rather than not see them. I would find a way to get along with the devil himself if that's what I had to do to be able to hear them laugh, see their beautiful smiles, and feel their wonderful hugs: and when I hear "I love you, grandma", that's the real capper.

My husband had an ex-wife and two children when we married. We proceeded to have three children. The ex-wife re-married and had three beautiful daughters. Through the years we all got along because the children were all siblings of my step-children. I couldn't have known how much of a blessing that would turn out to be.

I am now a mother-in-law, and I was a daughter-in-law.

When I was a daughter-in-law:

My mother-in-law had some faults, and she had some wonderful traits. She came as a package, I had to accept the whole package if I wanted to have her wonderful traits in our lives. She was a wonderful grandmother to all our children. It would have been such a horrible loss not to have had her in our lives, especially if that loss was caused by my petty pride, or my need to be right. My children remember all the good years they had with their grandmother, the stories that only she could tell them, the love that only she could give them, they won't remember whether I was right or not in an argument.

I held my mother-in-law's hand when she drew her last breath, and it broke my heart to lose her.

I am now a mother-in-law:

I love my son so very much, and was so close to him all through the years. He was the one that would open up to me, when he came home from a date, or when a girl had dumped him and broken his heart. We were emotionally very close, and that ended when he took a wife. Of course I missed the talks we used to share, but I understand it. He has a life partner to share his emotions and talks with, and that's as it should be. Our roles have changed. My daughter-in-law is his emotional support, and if she isn't, then that is between my son and his wife, that's no longer my role to play. My son loves me and needs me as much as he ever did, just in a different way.

My daughter-in-law is an outstanding person. She has given me three of the most beautiful, sweet, intelligent and loving grandchildren any grandmother could hope to enjoy. I love my daughter-in-law, but if I didn't, I would find a way to get along with her and show her respect, if for no other reason than out of respect and love for my son and grandchildren.

I have lost my parents, my in-laws, my husband, and my stepdaughter to death. I have no regrets about a second I spent with any of them. I think of how much I would have missed with them had I let pride and the need to be right take all that love and sharing away from me. Because of my mother-in-law, and my husband and his ex-wife, I now have not only my children and grandchildren, but the ex-wife's children in my life, her children and our children are all one family. I would have lost all of this had I cut my mother-in-law out of my life.

When my husband's ex-wife died, I sat by her bed and told her what wonderful children she had raised, and that I loved her. She looked at me, squeezed my hand, and smiled. I left the room crying.

I would tell these people to look at the big picture. A little bit of forgiveness and respect goes a long way, I know, I've been there, I've been forgiven, and I have forgiven, it works.

Sallygoodin

I thought what you said and how you put it was great. Really clear and not mean or nasty to either side. I could not agree more with you. Although the mil ( as I said in previous posts) was maninpulative, jealous and bitter..............it doesn't mean she is that way. She came across that way because of fear. She is a single parent of her only son and scared of what this marriage means. She is clinging so hard because fear is causing her to do that. She sees Michelle as the enemy because she has come along and the son loves her and wants a independent life....which the mil hears as i do not need you anymore. That is so far from the truth................but she needs to figure that out on her own. ( not allowing her to the wedding was harsh and sad, but unfortunately there may not have been another way at that point for them)

The dil Michelle came off as clingy, hard headed, abrasive, controlling and lacking empathy..........it does not mean she is that way. She sees the mil as trying to prevent her new life........................she needs to figure out that the mil only has power if it is given to her. 

The mil has to achknowledge what she did and let Jay's other family members know he is not evil and lying. And his new wife is not evil..........they need to step back look at the past without dragging it full force into their future.

Also I may mention to everyone reading this the "list" of 15 things that people hated. MY husband and I  have a written guideline with my mil. It does list things for her not to do................but mostly it is a guideline to ensure mutual respect and love on both sides. The guidelines is actually a common thing suggested by therapists when a relationship has gone so far off course and there is a desire to get it back on track. With guidelines you can stop focusing on what not to do when together, because it is in writting so everyone is aware..................and start concentrating on rebuilding a relationship......eventually the " guidelines" go away

but they served their purpose. I think many people misunderstood the guidelines and found them offensive. I do understand that when you first hear of them but my husband and I found them extrememly helpful and so did my mil once she stopped feeling offended and like we were treating her as a child. It was not our intent. I honestly believe without the written guidelines we couldn't have moved past things as well as we did..........................once written you can stop dwelling on them.