Topic : 06/24 Banned from the Wedding, Part 2

This show makes me so sad.  Michelle is disgraceful!  I would be so embarassed to be Michelle's mother and cannot believe she agreed to come on tv!  For Jay not to allow his mother to come to his wedding makes me ill.  There just is no excuse.  He should be ,and will eventually, be ashamed of himself.  Michelle is getting her kicks from being disrespectful and rude to Jay's mother.  I think she needs to take a really good look at herself and how she chooses to conduct herself.  No matter what his mother did or said, in the end Michelle looks really bad.  I am a daughter-in-law and admit it can be a challenging role.  Michelle's behavior, however, is inexcusable.  All you are in control of is the way that you act; she should not be trying to control Jay's mother.  If flowers were sent, whatever the motive, they should be displayed.  If you are getting married, your parents (both sets) are invited.  I bet Michelle has a lot of enemies.  Her maturity level is somewhere near the sixth grade.  I feel so bad for Jay's mother because she got a raw deal.  Dr. Phil found more humor in the situation than was actually present.  I feel that he should have pressed Michelle and Jay harder to take a good look at themselves.  I credit Jay's mother for being so introspective, although in this case it is the other parties that need to take this action.  When Michelle said that her wedding day was perfect, I realized that she was hopeless.  To think that Jay's mother could be miserable while she thinks all is well is sick.  Michelle is the one who needs to grow up and apologize. 

How nice - your children "had" to invite that side of the family to the wedding whereupon all were treated to rude, stand-offish behavior - it's pretty clear why they chose not to attend the second wedding.

 

I registered to specifically reply to this show.  It is not my habit 

 

Family is important.  Family is not always consistent with the way it is structured in the old 50's sitcoms.  You cherish those that you love, work on those relationships that should be better to the best of your ability, and pray to repair all others.

 

I grew up in the 50's in what is now a considered an abusive, dysfunctional family.  It was not talked about then.  Being the oldest I took care of my siblings.  When I married and raised my 4 children (3 boys and 1 girl) God was in control.  I had the support of my father, grandmother, grandfather, 2 aunts, and 2 uncles.  They were always there for me, my husband, and my children.  My mom I loved very much and I know she loved me.  She was mentally sick.  She never accepted me since I took over her role when I was a child.  She is now dead.  She never knew my children.  Although we both tried to keep the communication open, twenty years was gone before you know it.  God was good in that I was able to have a relationship with her during her last year of life.  I wish it had been different.  I tried to the hero and I am sure she felt she did too at times, but when it is gone it is gone.  Who knows?  What I do know is that you have to live with your decisions and answer for them in the end.  No one but you will answer for it.

 

My husband's family was wonderful.  His mom had died when he was just 16.  His dad told him that my family and my feeling towards them were mine alone.  He should not interject what he felt about them to me ever.  Let me talk, not add to the conversation regardless of the intensity he felt, and support what ever I wanted to do.  That is what he had done with his wife's family and that is what my husband did with me.  Your wife needs to do that for you.  It is the greatest gift to someone you love!

 

I now have 3 daughter-in-laws, one of which is an ex. She is still part of my family.  I am no saint I just try to do what God wants me to do in my relationships.  Yes it is hard to let go of your children, but to see your family grow so much is amazing.  Sons are close to their moms and daughters are close to their dads.  They are their whole life.  That is the way it is meant to be.

 

My husband's brother's wife hated my father-in-law and tried to separate them and keep them apart.  Although the brother tried to ignore his father for his wife's sake, my father-in-law kept calling his son once every day at work and would stop to take him to lunch at least once a week.  My father-in-law told him that he would love him forever no matter what. He told him their relationship was theirs alone.  They kept it that way.   Three years later the brother and his wife were divorced but he still had his dad.  Funny thing is now the wife is friends with the dad still after 15 years.  She just wanted to be in control of every situation at involved her husband.

 

I wanted to say that Dr. Phil was right in questioning the son.  The son kept saying over and over again....."WE".....The son needs to come to terms with his own mom without injecting his wife's feelings.  Dr Phil was also right in that what the son feels for his mom is in no way connected to what the son feels for his wife.  It does not belittle the wife.  Hopefully the son and mom can become close and the wife will let the mom into her world.  Everyone needs forgiveness. 

 

I did not see the first show so I don't know what the mom did.  I will tell you that when your parents are gone you wonder why did you let so many petty things keep you apart.  After seeing the psychiatrist, I believe the mom only wants a relationship and the wife wants it to continue with anger.  She is young and hurt but please heed my father-in-laws advise to my husband.  Support your husband and help repair the damage.  BE A HERO!  Being a hero means not to just try but to TOTALLY let it go.  I didn't learn that until it was almost too late with my mom.

 

My husband and I have lived what most have thought to be a charmed life.  It wasn't.  It was hard and we have had to work for everything.  We just understand each others boundries, hopes, dreams, and pain and tried to help each other with them.  Our parents are gone and so is one of our siblings.  After 35 years of being happily married, we have learned it is only about God and our relationships with others.  Make them strong and repair what you can.  Totally let go.  Let yourself be hurt again if you have to in order to let go. Keep trying and NEVER stop trying.  If others don't change - you change.   It is rewarding in the end. 

 

May God be with you all!

 I think the first part of the last sentence of your post is an clear insight into your own personally-colored view in this situation.  I am sorry that you had to MIL from hell, &  it really sounds like you handled things the very best for everyone in the situation.  Bravo for you!!
    But I think you were seeing this family through eyes coloured by your own experiences. You say "I think the audience was rude", because they clapped loudly during the rare times when the DIL or the son were called into account.  Because of your own situation, you saw this as "rude".  But think about it.  Those clapping moments were spontaneous outbursst from a fairly large group of strangers who all agreed and responded the same about the situation - & who were obviously  feeling very different from you.  And you better believe that people watching at home were responding with their own cheers & clapping in their living rooms!  I sure was, & so were my mom and my sister!  The DL came across as selfish, self-absorbed, spoiled, & vindictive.  She controlled the husband, insulted the MIL, had absolutely NO insight, & was a real nightmare.  She was, it is clear from your letter, nothing at all like you.  And she did not have any of the qualities that you used to try to broker a peace with your in-laws.   You in-laws should be so grateful for the gift they have of having you & your husband (instead of the DL on the show), so that they have at least been allowed to know their grandchildren.  You have taught your children an very powerful lesson & you should be proud of yourself.  I think Jane is nothing at all like your in-laws, and that  in this situation, she is much more like you were in your relationship with your inlaws. 

You don't even know these people and you're making brash judgements about them. Do you just think that, no matter what, people can always find a way to embrace their family? No, no, no. I didn't even have a wedding because I didn't want my extended family showing up. There would be nothing but cruel name calling and vicious, devious behavior from them. I didn't want them to ruin "my day." Weddings are exactly that. The day that belongs soley to the bride and groom. Don't jump to assumptions about people who have cut off their family. There are such things as valid reasons.

 This "bride" is immature, obviously spoiled and accustomed to getting her own way.  I'm glad there's no one in my family like her.  We're not perfect, but at least we are gracious to one another.  This "child" has never been taught to be kind and gracious to others.  Her mother-in-law isn't perfect, but  this bride is awful.  The groom isn't a prince either.  Jane is his mother - HE should deal with the situation and the bride should stay out of it.  They will be sorry if Jane dies before this is resolved.  And the poor children she has (if any) will really suffer too.   Things would not have gotten out of hand if you two had treated others with a grain of respect.  You should be ashamed.

Grow up, you two.  Life has many bumps in the road and you need to band together to make it through what is in store.

Oh - hey Michelle - get your eyebrows down out of your hairline so you don't have that "permanently startled" look.

Michelle IS a spoiled BRAT!

Ha ha, little Nellie Olson, all grown up, that's exactly who she seems like!

 

I think they're all wrong, really. I think Mother probably did involve herself too much in the past, daughter-in-law only cares about herself, and son is too passive, probably now bossed by wife just as he used to be by mother. Of course we don't see everything, but that's my impression.

 

There is way too much of daughter-in-law running relationship between son and his mother. She should not be allowed to kick his mother out of their family, as it is not her mother and not her place. How would she like it if her husband banned her mother from their lives, or set his own rules for her mother to follow? It's simply not her place. She should be in the foreground with her husband, but in the background when it comes to her husband and his mother. If it can't be worked out between the two women, then son should visit his mother alone.

You should not judge the MIL so harshly one day you may be one yourself. Sometimes we say things that we should not say but it is only with our children's best interest at heart.. When your in your 20's you have these dreams of what marriage is supposed to be and we think we have everything figured out, Then we have kids and realize we weren't as smart as we thought. That is when  we realize how great a MIL can be. It is obvious the MIL is making an effort but you Don't see that coming from the daughter in law she is steadfast in her "right fight".. Some times a fool just doesn't know when to stand back and be quiet What happened to respect, and compassion or even forgiveness. It appeared the mil is trying to move on to better communication but the DIL will have none of it she kept going back to making the Mil admit saying something, The MIL never once ask for an apology for the wrong that had been done to her. Michelle is the one acting Horrible at this point

 You are right on the money!  I saw the DIL, Michelle, as a rage-a-holic &/or certainly a narcissist!   The MIL  made such an incredibly courageous effort, to do some serious work & to let go of the couples' behaviour towards her & to try to find "a 3rd way" .  And yet, as you said, her face & downcast eyes, were heart-breaking.  She was afraid to breathe, in case the DIL attacked again -  & sonny-boy sat & watched.   I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the son is abused by DIL if he doesn't tow the line.
     Did anyone else notice that when Dr. Phil asked the son about what HE HIMSELF had done to help the relationship with his mother, he literally struggled to try to say "I" or "Me", but could get out ONLY "We".  And when he finally did get out an "I" he  really slipped & said (Freudian slip)! "I was "allowed",.....um.um...I mean..."   (Allowed by his wife).  It was just a second, but very telling!
    Definitely lots of control issues going on. So so sad.