Message Boards

Topic : 12/04 Doomed from the Start?

Number of Replies: 358
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, November 30, 2007, 01:40:54 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Physical and verbal abuse, a cheating spouse … what are the deal-breakers in your marriage? Dr. Phil talks to a couple on the verge of breaking up, and he has help from Bishop T.D. Jakes, renowned pastor and author of Reposition Yourself. Anthoney says he cheated on his wife, Erin, many times and admits to being verbally abusive during their five-year marriage. He said his wife moved across the country with their three children and recently stopped returning his phone calls. Erin says she still loves her husband but will only take him back if he's a changed man. Anthoney claims that he's gotten his life back on track, but can he be trusted? Can this family reunite, or should they just call it quits? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
December 4, 2007, 6:10 pm PST

12/04 Doomed from the Start?

Did anyone see her come out? She was shaking! She was so scared. I admire her for being willing to leave him and get on with her life and raise 4 kids on her own. I know they are not perfect, no one is, but something about her screamed for help when she stepped out on the stage.
 
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
December 4, 2007, 6:12 pm PST

Amen!!!!!

Quote From: sharonlemonds1

I just watched this show and I am flabbergasted.  I have been a paralegal in the family law area for 30 years.  I don't know the law in your neck of the woods but a stay-at-home mother has a value pinned to it in Oklahoma.  This guy says that his wife lived off him for 5 years; how much would day care cost him per year for 3 children without that "lazy wife"; how much would a housekeeper cost him without that "lazy wife"; how much is a wife worth to keep his house and children so he can work; could he have worked 3 jobs without a wife and mother to his 3 children -- there is value to being a stay-at-home mother, even if you impute minimum wage; surely he knows that if he's paying child support under a Court order [which for some reason I doubt.  I am not defending the wife because I could see in her eyes, as I have seen in many clients, that she'd take him back in a heartbeat.  It's as though you were talking to brick wall.  Not only do they need a divorce, but they both need serious counseling.  It is obvious that neither party benefitted from your advice.  He thiks he is justified in his belief that she's worthless, and she needs a spine.  I feel for those children; that is one pitiful couple. 

Great post! My thoughts exactly.

 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
upset
December 4, 2007, 6:15 pm PST

You are not alone

Quote From: vbindiana

In no way do I think cheating or abuse is acceptable.  However, I strongly believe the woman in his episode is lying.  Perhaps he isn't an angel, but I really believe she is exagerrating the truth.  Her "trembling" was intentional, she couldn't squeeze out a tear -- though she tried hard, and she had this smirk on her face the whole time.

 

Am I alone in thinking this??

I agree with you.  Throughout the whole show I couldn't believe how Dr. Phil, the Bishop and the audience ate up what she was serving.  Everytime Anthoney tried to bring up that she would hit him, it was interrupted or averted somehow.  She cheated too...that was not addressed.   She only trembled when it was spotlighted.  She quickly relaxed when the topic turned to Anthoney.  She did squeeze out one tear but man that took her a LONG time.  She would look away and then glance back to see if they were noticing her posture.  SHE is the manipulator.  Trust me!  He might be wrong about cheating but so is she.  He might be wrong about being physical, but so is she.  I am so disappointed in Dr. Phil.  This was a one sided show.  Dr. Phil never asked or probed or anything.  He automatically assumed this little girl was being honest.  I hope he watches the show to see her body language.  I hope he sees her sneers, her smirks and her 'quivering'.  Shoot, being on stage....I would be shaking too.  BUT it was fake.  Man, she really got one over on Dr. Phil.  I didn't think it possible.

 

Oh, and for the record...my first marriage was abusive.  Just a tidbit for those of you who will say that I don't understand.  I do.  I understand what it is like to have your own blood dried on the walls in your home.  This girl, though, is playing games.....she will get hurt.

 
User Mood
Relaxed

Message Emote
blank
December 4, 2007, 6:16 pm PST

Concerned

First, Dr.Phil, thank you for addressing the abuse, and the fact that it will escalate--particularly with Anthoney's justifications.  Has anyone addressed the fact that any infidelity is literally playing Russian Roulette with the partner's life.  STDS are a REAL danger, and can be deadly.  I am a Catholic Christian; I value the commitment made in marriage. However, it doesn't seem either of them wholeheartedly, and in full knowledge made that commitment. Wondering (every time your partner's actions give cause for questioning their fidelity) whether or not you should get tested for HIV, or one of the other STD's does not make for a safe or sane marriage.  Definitely, this wife should get tested.  Repentance?  Not even the Catholic sacrament of confession is valid unless there is a 180 degree turn away from the sin, including avoiding even the near occasion of infidelity in the future.  There is sorry I got caught and have to pay the speeding ticket--then there is the "Sorry, I now understand the danger to myself and others when I speed and I have every intention not to speed again."  Sometimes, not only is adultery and abuse grounds for divorce, it is the only realistic option--and it can save your life.  Even cessation of the "stomping on your foot" and the forgiveness for the stomping DOES NOT mean you should keep sticking your foot out there.  I certainly agree there are marriages that should not be saved and I think this is one of them.  This wife may be in need of one of the agencies to help her hide from this person.  I was married to someone with this behavior, and it almost cost me my life.  This man is in such denial. Is she immature? Let's be realistic--she is so young and has 3 young children and he says she should do more to "support" the family!?!  She is raising 3 children.... that is a full-time job! Thank you Dr Phil for separating them on stage. It is now being 25 years since my divorce and just last year my ex made the comment to my daughter that he should have killed me. This situation cannot be taken lightly!

 
User Mood
Sad

Message Emote
blank
December 4, 2007, 6:21 pm PST

12/04 Doomed from the Start?

You know it is very difficult to judge when you have been in the shoes of both. I have been a stay at home mom and I have also been the career mom. I know that my husband works long hours and he is tired when he gets home but so am I and I can see how someone can feel unappreciated. I mean when I was working I had the gratification of getting paid for my job and also getting a pat on the back from my boss for a job well done. I think the one thing that some of you failed to see was even if Erin worked I think she would still be expected to do everything at home. He obviously never appreciated her other wise she would be happy wouldn't she? I am sure there are those of you out there that have wonderful husbands who help you around the house, but for the most part, not many men help out around the house. Even when I was working my husband never helped out.  I am sure even if Erin was cleaning the house he still would have been the jerk that he is today. I agree with you Dr Phil! Even though Erin may have some anger issues herself to work out she is much better off without him..I mean who knows he may have some kind of VD after all the affairs he has had.

 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
December 4, 2007, 6:24 pm PST

Dr. Phil's Wording?

First I wanted to reiterate that I am TICKLED PINK to see Bishop Jakes on the Dr. Phil Show!  The fact that Bishop Jakes is the person Dr. Phil goes to for advice makes me admire him all the more.

 

There was something Dr. Phil said and maybe I didn't hear it quite right so I thought ya'll could help?  He said something to the effect that he wasn't spiritually mature to the point where he would say no divorce ever...? It seemed like he was implying that he felt that recommending divorce wasn't a spiritually mature decision?

 

If that is what he was saying, I don't think that Dr. Phil is giving himself enough credit. Sometimes (not always), I think that encouraging a couple to get a divorce (especially in cases of adultery, abuse, addiction/hardness of heart), I think that can be the most spiritually mature decision for a counselor to make.

 

Maybe I just misunderstood or heard it wrong, but that stuck out in my head.

 

 

 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
December 4, 2007, 6:32 pm PST

12/04 Doomed from the Start?

Quote From: newday23

i was reading some of the messages and just had a few thoughts...

 

i dont necessarily agree with the quote "once a dog, always a dog", or "they will never change".....  if we say those things, we are really saing those things about ourselves.  if we really believe that people will never change bad behaviors, thats a pretty sad thought.  and in turn, any bad qualities we have, wont change either.  i think saying someone will never change is a judgmental statement.  you CAN change.  but, you have to first recognize the problem, know that it is a bad quality, and want to correct it.  however, many times you need professional help.  so, if we say.....those "dogs" will never change, neither will we....

 

does anyone agree with me?  am i an optomistic....or unrealistic?? 

I am amazed at how many people are so unsympathetic.  Abused women are conditioned to believe that there is no one to help them and that no one cares about them.  It becomes a part of who they are, and there comes a point where they can't leave.  Some of it is conditioning, and some of it is the fear that no matter what they do, the abuser will find them.  I have studied this. 

 

That aside, I have also been there.  I think that it is very wrong to say that an abuser will never change.  I have stated in another post that I am married for almost six years to a wonderful man who is the love of my life.  About two years ago, he spent over a month in jail for giving me a black eye.  When he got out of jail, he attended a very intense therapy program for almost a year, and he has not raised a hand to me since.  I do not believe for a minute that people can't change.  My husband did, and we have a great relationship.  We still have the occasional disargeement and even arguement, but his therapy taught him how to manage his anger.  If someone really wants to change, and if they have the right motivation and support system, they can. 

 

Having said that, I am not encouraging abused women to stay in a bad relationship.  The first thing that they should do is reach out to someone they can trust for help.  As sad as it is for me to say this, my husband is in the minority.  Not all men are willing to change.  I wish good luck to all of those women. 

 

Message Emote
blank
December 4, 2007, 6:32 pm PST

12/04 Doomed from the Start?

Quote From: sudonia

I must say that I am getting most tired of Phil pushing TD Jakes on the American Public. Phil does not need any "help" counseling guests on his show. This is an attempt to get us to accept him so he can get a show. I for one don't think it would make it. There is enough shows on TV already that do the same thing. Having said that, blacks really are a problem. Black males make up only 6% of our population, yet commit %50 of our violent crimes! Throw in the out-of wedlock birth rate and the fact that the cities with the highest black population are the ones who have the most crime, and you see what I mean.

 

Lets look at the criminals of the Jena 6. They have spent the $500,000 of donated defense fund money on clothes, furniture, cars, bling, and homes. They made this money beating up a white kid who was unarmed and had nothing to do with any noose incidents. The nooses were just an excuse those criminals used to justify their crime. Why hasn't Phil done an update show and told the public about their deceitful spending?

 

In TX two black men were shot and killed during a robbery. The black panthers decided to support these criminals and march in the neighborhood streets. That is the difference between whites and blacks. If whites were killed during a robbery, we would say that they deserved what they got. Blacks continue to support their violent thugs in this manner. They don't care that their people are wrecking havok on a nation. I was so proud of my fellow whites who gathered in the street against them, booing, yelling, and getting in their face. They were saying, "We are sick and tired of you criminals ruining this country!" And we are.

 

In Florida there was a black mother who had three bratty children. She let them yell, scream and run amuck in a Golden Corral restaurant. Two white ladies, one 56 and one 90 on oxygen and in a wheelchair asked her to control her children as they were disrupting the people eating. The black woman beat the heck out of them, breaking ribs and blacking eyes. Is this normal behaviour? No. Would white women eating in a restaurant beat up blacks for saying something? No. Did you hear this on our controlled media? No. If the perp had been white, it would have been all over the national news. She only got a misdeameanor for attacking old women and causing bodily harm. Not right by any means.

 

I could go on and on about black on white crimes that you never hear about. 100 white women are raped A DAY by black males. White males raping black women is between 1-6 in A YEAR. See the difference?

 

I am tired of the Al Sharptons and Jessie Jacksons who are blatent racists against whites but no one says a darn thing. They live off of starting up stuff and causing conflict. Whites can't say we are proud of our race. Look at what all we have accomplished? Medicine, Math, Science. Trains, planes, automobiles. beautiful works of music. Great things. That is our people who have done all that has built this nation, yet all these others want to tear it down, take it from us and scream we are racists if we stand up for whites.

 

Most of  the noose incidents you have heard about in the news, like the one at a fire department were put there by blacks trying to frame whites. Did he get a hate crime charge? No. I feel that someone who does that to try and make problems for all of the whites on a job is worse and doing a great deal of hate. Hate crime laws were only intended to punish whites. They will use this law to end our free speech and their plan for a one world order will be much easier. Look up The North American Union and see what our government has planned for us.

 

Well, that is my two cents. I am tired of having all this diversity which has not been our strength as the zionist media would like you to believe, but our downfall. The crime is out of hand and our nation is in the gutter. Illegals will be taking over our country, displacing blacks and whites. I hope good Americans will wake up to what is going on, but it is probably too late. We will be in a third-world cesspool in another 20 years max. They can't build enough prisons and man them to keep us safe.

You really scare me.  You either have some real issues, or you're as racist as you proclaim not to be.  There is one thing to have an opinion, albeit out of anger, but there's another when you lace your opinion with racist comments and innuendo worthy of any white supremacy organization.  I wish you peace.
 
User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
blank
December 4, 2007, 7:00 pm PST

12/04 Doomed from the Start?

Quote From: justnancy

First I wanted to reiterate that I am TICKLED PINK to see Bishop Jakes on the Dr. Phil Show!  The fact that Bishop Jakes is the person Dr. Phil goes to for advice makes me admire him all the more.

 

There was something Dr. Phil said and maybe I didn't hear it quite right so I thought ya'll could help?  He said something to the effect that he wasn't spiritually mature to the point where he would say no divorce ever...? It seemed like he was implying that he felt that recommending divorce wasn't a spiritually mature decision?

 

If that is what he was saying, I don't think that Dr. Phil is giving himself enough credit. Sometimes (not always), I think that encouraging a couple to get a divorce (especially in cases of adultery, abuse, addiction/hardness of heart), I think that can be the most spiritually mature decision for a counselor to make.

 

Maybe I just misunderstood or heard it wrong, but that stuck out in my head.

 

 

I believe he was saying that he is not a person who can just "give it all to God to fix."  In other words just sit and wait for God to pull you out of a bad situation.  I think he was just being a little self-deprecating regarding faith.  I thought it was a perfectly appropriate comment and understood.
 
User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
December 4, 2007, 7:05 pm PST

well...

Quote From: sharonlemonds1

I just watched this show and I am flabbergasted.  I have been a paralegal in the family law area for 30 years.  I don't know the law in your neck of the woods but a stay-at-home mother has a value pinned to it in Oklahoma.  This guy says that his wife lived off him for 5 years; how much would day care cost him per year for 3 children without that "lazy wife"; how much would a housekeeper cost him without that "lazy wife"; how much is a wife worth to keep his house and children so he can work; could he have worked 3 jobs without a wife and mother to his 3 children -- there is value to being a stay-at-home mother, even if you impute minimum wage; surely he knows that if he's paying child support under a Court order [which for some reason I doubt.  I am not defending the wife because I could see in her eyes, as I have seen in many clients, that she'd take him back in a heartbeat.  It's as though you were talking to brick wall.  Not only do they need a divorce, but they both need serious counseling.  It is obvious that neither party benefitted from your advice.  He thiks he is justified in his belief that she's worthless, and she needs a spine.  I feel for those children; that is one pitiful couple. 
     In her case, she isn't worth much... He kept saying the house was messy... he even asked her about it and Dr.Wuss jumped in to save her from embarrassment! So keeping the kids... I'll agree with, but that's all she would deserve to get paid for... let's not forget in the real word... not doing your job gets you fired!!! So my guess is she should have been fired a long time ago!
 
First | Prev | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | Next | Last