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Topic : 12/04 Doomed from the Start?

Number of Replies: 358
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Created on : Friday, November 30, 2007, 01:40:54 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Physical and verbal abuse, a cheating spouse … what are the deal-breakers in your marriage? Dr. Phil talks to a couple on the verge of breaking up, and he has help from Bishop T.D. Jakes, renowned pastor and author of Reposition Yourself. Anthoney says he cheated on his wife, Erin, many times and admits to being verbally abusive during their five-year marriage. He said his wife moved across the country with their three children and recently stopped returning his phone calls. Erin says she still loves her husband but will only take him back if he's a changed man. Anthoney claims that he's gotten his life back on track, but can he be trusted? Can this family reunite, or should they just call it quits? Join the discussion.

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December 2, 2007, 9:35 am CST

12/04 Doomed from the Start?

Quote From: gray3363

 Once a dog always a dog!!! HE will only change  for a little bit until he know he has you back in the same position!! Don't do IT!!!!!  

I agree because once the cheater always one unless they were truelly sorry and change. But the kind of men seen most days if you let them slide they think it's cause for them to keep doing what they were doing.
 
December 2, 2007, 10:08 am CST

Do not go back to him

I believe that he will not change and the reason why I say this is because I have been there. The young lady did right on leaving with the kids to keep herslf and the kids safe. I do believe that know one has to be in a relastionship that is vilate. Do not go back with him you may lose your kids if you go through a DIVORCE  I have been there and it is not fun.

 

He will not change oh he will change for a month or 2 then he will be right back to the way he was and that is not good for you and the kids. Do not mix up the kids any more than what they are just keep them safe.

 

Have you had the cops involed at all and if you have and you left and then go back that is not going to look good. 

 
December 2, 2007, 11:40 am CST

a different twist

maybe a different perspective should be considered. what would  attractive a woman or man to a person who is not pleasant by nature? It is not about the abuser,but what attracts me to that abuser. There should be a point when we say "STOP" with our actions and not with words. Clean out your own poisons so this won't happen again

 Trust me from a person whom has been there the cycle will continue, until you say wait and do the internal work.

 
December 2, 2007, 1:16 pm CST

12/04 Doomed from the Start?

 I thought abuse being a deal breaker was a no- brainer ?
Cheating, hmmm, for some yes it is, but an affair can be worked through, ONE AFFAIR , not multiples. This guy obviously dosen't realize his zipper actually goes up as well as down.
But abuse of ANY KIND should NEVER be tolerated. No matter what they tell you, the abuser dosen't Love you, he/she is in it because they have the POWER and CONTROL and Love it seems to me isn't about either of those things.
But these things should be discussed LONG before our daughters Marry anyone, have you actually listened to some teens joking about how their boyfriends "Bitch Slapped" them, or the young men that are hangin' out with their "Ho ", where are they learning that this behavior is acceptable ?

 
December 2, 2007, 2:25 pm CST

he won't change & she won't either

  1. i don't think they will because they are setting a bad example for their children in their lives.2.if they did it once they will do it agaain,again in their lives,3.they can get all the counslering they want but it won't help change who they are unless they really want to do it they need to make a pro& con list of the things they want to change in the realationship &what they can't change in the realationship.4.can they honestly say they can believe each other in the realationship w/o using as a gun when they get into agure meaning rerashing the pass up in one another faces again,again to hurt the realationship they are trying to rebuild again to make it healthy & loving,trustworthly again w/o all thoses angry words from the past problems.5. also try to explain to the children in a calm way why the parents aren't together ,that it wasn't something they had done it is somethings the parents have to work on also let them know they both still love them no matter what happens between mom & dad.6. also if they have any questions feel free to ask either one of them & they answer them the best they can,if possible.best of luck been there & have found happiness again my life.
 
December 2, 2007, 6:50 pm CST

verbal abuse!!

Quote From: dreams2share

My husband never hit me in all ther years we were married but I was terribly verbally abused and my son was physically abused. It's hard to explain to people what verbal abuse is. It's not just being called names, in fact that was not my husband's most common form of verbal abuse. It was more about the subtle psychological undermining he did of me by withholding information, denying what he had just said, creating confusion, minimizing my concerns, manipulating, demeaning. In those ways he gained power and control and kept me from being the individual I was created to be. And it was a deal breaker!

I am currently going thru a very bad situation with my husband and he turns everything around on me and he NEVER has verbally abused me according to him I now  have a warrant out and a protective order and our 5 year old son tells me daily Mommy I don't want to talk to Daddy because he is not nice to you and he makes you cry!  But my husband thinks that I am the reason his children don't want to talk to him that I have brain washed them! He DOES EVERYTHING you said in your paragraph and then some!!! I am looking for a divorce attorney as we speak! I know I have to stay strong but he has in the last 3 weeks just wore me down to the point that I can't eat and I can't sleep.

 

What is really funny about my situation is the warrant and the protective order was issued because he was calling me and I refused to answer the phone and HE (my husband) called the police for a welfare check on the kids and the officer asked why I wasn't talking to him he listened to a few of the verbal abusive messages he left on the machine and he (the officer) filed a domestic volience report and then a warrant and put me and the children in a shelter.

 
December 3, 2007, 1:44 am CST

The answer to whether you should leave is here!!!

Quote From: sinder

Way to go Erin!!  I wish my mother had had the courage to leave...I used to wonder what my life would have been like had I not grown up in such a dysfunctional environment.  Time and experience taught me not to dwell on a past I cannot change which allowed me to love being me without regret or if only's. 

 

BUT.....had I not heard the things my father said and called my mother, I would not have been scared of him. I would not have come to blame her for being too weak to stand up to him and not brave enough to defend me. I would not have believed that her inaction on my behalf was because I was unloveable, unworthy and unimporant. I would not have confused lust for love. I would not have married young just to get the hell out of that house. I would have a relationship instead of a truce with my family today.

 

Way to go Erin....your kids may never have the words or understanding to be able to tell you the many things you saved them from simply by removing them from the situation but I do. Watching your idols battle each other tears apart the belief that love is real. Hearing the two people that created you saying hateful things to each other, lights a fire of fear deep inside you...a fear that if they can stop loving each other..how long until they stop loving you too?  You get the idea.  I would have traded an everyday father for anyday peace. But that's just me.

 

 

Quote:  "Way to go Erin....your kids may never have the words or understanding to be able to tell you the many things you saved them from simply by removing them from the situation but I do. Watching your idols battle each other tears apart the belief that love is real. Hearing the two people that created you saying hateful things to each other, lights a fire of fear deep inside you...a fear that if they can stop loving each other..how long until they stop loving you too?  You get the idea.  I would have traded an everyday father for anyday peace."

 

TO EVERY WOMAN/MOTHER TRYING TO DECIDE WHETHER TO STAY OR LEAVE:  Reread the above paragraph over and over.  Then think about how the way he treats you is seen through your childrens eyes and how deeply it changes them.  It also lays the foundation for how they will treat their significant others, creating ANOTHER generation of abusive unhappy lives!  STOP THE CYCLE OF ABUSE NOW!!!  GET OUT!!  If you can't wrap your mind around saving yourself from this pain.....DO IT for your CHILDREN!!!!

 

It does NOT get any better!!  Over time, his abusive words and actions will be seared into you and your childrens brains and CANCELS OUT the moments when he is loving.  If you haven't had children with a verbal and/or physcial abuser........get out before you are tied to him for the rest of your life!!!! 

 

To the writer of this post:  I pray you find peace in your journey to heal from the damage of verbal abuse.

 

Mgrlady

 

 

 
December 3, 2007, 3:15 am CST

Just don't get it.

How, how, how can a woman in an abusive relationship.

 

There is no excuse for this kind of thing, not even money, as there are women's organizations that help.

 

And the minute the woman says,  BUT I LOVE HIM any sympathy I made have had for her is out the window.

 

She is a selfish twat who put herself before her children.

 
December 3, 2007, 2:53 pm CST

just some thoughts

i was reading some of the messages and just had a few thoughts...

 

~ i dont necessarily agree with the quote "once a dog, always a dog", or "they will never change".....  if we say those things, we are really saing those things about ourselves.  if we really believe that people will never change bad behaviors, thats a pretty sad thought.  and in turn, any bad qualities we have, wont change either.  i think saying someone will never change is a judgmental statement.  you CAN change.  but, you have to first recognize the problem, know that it is a bad quality, and want to correct it.  however, many times you need professional help.  so, if we say.....those "dogs" will never change, neither will we....

 

does anyone agree with me?  am i an optomistic....or unrealistic?? 

 
December 3, 2007, 2:56 pm CST

just some thoughts

i was reading some of the messages and just had a few thoughts...

 

~ i dont necessarily agree with the quote "once a dog, always a dog", or "they will never change".....  if we say those things, we are really saing those things about ourselves.  if we really believe that people will never change bad behaviors, thats a pretty sad thought.  and in turn, any bad qualities we have, wont change either.  i think saying someone will never change is a judgmental statement.  you CAN change.  but, you have to first recognize the problem, know that it is a bad quality, and want to correct it.  however, many times you need professional help.  so, if we say.....those "dogs" will never change, neither will we....

 

does anyone agree with me?  am i an optomistic....or unrealistic?? 

 
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