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Topic : 12/04 Doomed from the Start?

Number of Replies: 358
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Created on : Friday, November 30, 2007, 01:40:54 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Physical and verbal abuse, a cheating spouse … what are the deal-breakers in your marriage? Dr. Phil talks to a couple on the verge of breaking up, and he has help from Bishop T.D. Jakes, renowned pastor and author of Reposition Yourself. Anthoney says he cheated on his wife, Erin, many times and admits to being verbally abusive during their five-year marriage. He said his wife moved across the country with their three children and recently stopped returning his phone calls. Erin says she still loves her husband but will only take him back if he's a changed man. Anthoney claims that he's gotten his life back on track, but can he be trusted? Can this family reunite, or should they just call it quits? Join the discussion.

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December 29, 2007, 1:53 am CST

Take up YOUR beef with Dr. Phil...

Quote From: anthoney_allen

SHE SAID ON THE SHOW I NEVER HIT HER! DR PHIL SAID I DID,,, SHE RECANTED HER STORY! SHE COULDNT EVEN MAKE UP HER MIND ON THE ONE THING OF PHYSICAL ABUSE SHE SAID I DID,,, SHE CHANGED IT DRAMATICALLY SEVERAL TIMES,,, WISH YOU COULD'VE BEEN THERE TO SEE THE UN EDITED VERSION.  HOW ABOUT YOU GO GET TICKETS TO THE SHOW, WATCH IT, THEN RE WATCH IT ON TV,,, THE SAME SHOW, AND NOTE THE DIFFERENCES.  I ADMITTED TO ALOT, BUT I WILL NEVER ADMIT TO HITTING A WOMAN,, I'M THE PERSON THAT HATES N E ONE WHO GETS PHYSICAL WITH A WOMAN.  MY MOTHER WOULD BEAT THE LIFE OUT OF ME AND MY FATHER WOULD FINISH ME OFF IF HE FELT FOR AN INSTANT THAT I HAD DONE THAT!  THE MILITARY WOULD HAVE ME IN JAIL WHILE UNDER INVESTIGATION IF THEY EVEN SUSPECTED IT AND THEY WOULD FORCE A RESTRAINING ORDER.  THINK ABOUT IT!

Hey Anthoney, Take up YOUR beef with Dr. Phil.

 

He, Dr. Phil, that is....has always straightened out folks that accuse and imply the shows are edited rather than truthful and straight forward.

 

Hey, Dr. Phil.....take note here !

 

Have y'all  got some 'splaining to do ?

 

Anthoney seems to think so.

 

 

 

 

 
December 29, 2007, 5:17 pm CST

Domestic Violence

I would like Dr. Phil to do a show on men who are abused by the woman in their life.  I know that it happens and that men are too ashamed to talk about it.  Macho attitudes are to blame- Dr. Phil don't you help when you carry that attitude forward.  Men should never hit a woman but abuse is abuse and it is detrimental to children and families to live with abuse no matter what the sex of the abuser is.

 

Dr. Phil- I know that you have chastised a woman or 2 for this but, you have never devoted a show to it.  I think it's time has come. 

 
December 31, 2007, 6:34 pm CST

Domestic Abuse

Quote From: fromthesquare

I would like Dr. Phil to do a show on men who are abused by the woman in their life.  I know that it happens and that men are too ashamed to talk about it.  Macho attitudes are to blame- Dr. Phil don't you help when you carry that attitude forward.  Men should never hit a woman but abuse is abuse and it is detrimental to children and families to live with abuse no matter what the sex of the abuser is.

 

Dr. Phil- I know that you have chastised a woman or 2 for this but, you have never devoted a show to it.  I think it's time has come. 

Domestic Abuse, Violence is an established pattern, pattern ... used to maintain POWER AND CONTROL over another individual...an adult intimate partner and or family member.

 

Battering is never an isolated incident.  Abusers use a series of tactics to hold POWER  and CONTROL over their victims.  THE TACTICS INCLUDE ... Economic Abuse,  Emotional Abuse, Intimidation, Coercion and Sexual Violence.

 

The POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL is a general guide to the tactics used.

 

These tactics are not sudden rage, sudden flashes of uncontrollable anger.  It comes from a core belief system from deep inside the abuser. 

 

People who choose to abuse CHOOSE to be violent.

 

Key thing here, tactics and on going patterns of behavior.      The cycle of abuse, with the tension building phase, the explosion or outbursts, or possible violence, then the honeymoon or "roses" stage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
December 31, 2007, 7:32 pm CST

A MYTH ...

Quote From: fromthesquare

I would like Dr. Phil to do a show on men who are abused by the woman in their life.  I know that it happens and that men are too ashamed to talk about it.  Macho attitudes are to blame- Dr. Phil don't you help when you carry that attitude forward.  Men should never hit a woman but abuse is abuse and it is detrimental to children and families to live with abuse no matter what the sex of the abuser is.

 

Dr. Phil- I know that you have chastised a woman or 2 for this but, you have never devoted a show to it.  I think it's time has come. 

  

 

 

 

While there are certainly some women who treat their male partners badly, berating them, calling them names, attempting to control them...but... BUT even though the negative impact on these men's lives can be considerable...BUT do we see men whose self-esteem is gradually destroyed through this process?

 

Do we see men whose progress in school or in their careers grind to a halt because of the constant criticism and undermining?

 

Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex?

 

Where are the men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for their lives?

 

How about the ones who try to get to a phone to call for help, but the women block their way or cut the phone lines?

 

The reason we don't seem them, or this, is simple.  It's rare.  They're rare.

 

   I don't question how humiliating or embarrassing it would be for a man to come forward and admit that a woman is abusing him.  BUT don't UNDERESTIMATE HOW HUMILIATED A WOMAN FEELS WHEN SHE REVEALS ABUSE; women crave dignity just as men do.  If shame stopped people from coming forward, no one,  no one would tell.

 

Even if abused men didn't want to come forward, they would have been discovered by now.  Neighbors don't turn a deaf ear to abuse the way they might have ten or twenty years ago.  Now, when people hear screaming, objects smashing against walls, loud slaps landing on skin, they call the police.

 

Among physically abusive clients, nearly one-third have been arrested as a result of a call to the police that came from someone other than the abused woman.

 

If there were millions of cowed, trembling men out there, the police would find them. 

 

Abusive men commonly like to play the role of victim, and most men who claim to be "battered men" are actually the perpetrators of violence, not the victims.

 

Men can be abused by other men, however, and the women can be abused by women ...sometimes through means that include physical intimidation or violence.

 

 

Some information from Lundy Bancroft

 

WHY DOES HE DO THAT?  Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men

 

 

LUNDY BANCROFT   has spent the last seventeen years of his career specializing in domestic abuse and the behavior of abusive men.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
January 12, 2008, 1:41 pm CST

12/04 Doomed from the Start?

Quote From: Pleasance

  

 

 

 

While there are certainly some women who treat their male partners badly, berating them, calling them names, attempting to control them...but... BUT even though the negative impact on these men's lives can be considerable...BUT do we see men whose self-esteem is gradually destroyed through this process?

 

Do we see men whose progress in school or in their careers grind to a halt because of the constant criticism and undermining?

 

Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex?

 

Where are the men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for their lives?

 

How about the ones who try to get to a phone to call for help, but the women block their way or cut the phone lines?

 

The reason we don't seem them, or this, is simple.  It's rare.  They're rare.

 

   I don't question how humiliating or embarrassing it would be for a man to come forward and admit that a woman is abusing him.  BUT don't UNDERESTIMATE HOW HUMILIATED A WOMAN FEELS WHEN SHE REVEALS ABUSE; women crave dignity just as men do.  If shame stopped people from coming forward, no one,  no one would tell.

 

Even if abused men didn't want to come forward, they would have been discovered by now.  Neighbors don't turn a deaf ear to abuse the way they might have ten or twenty years ago.  Now, when people hear screaming, objects smashing against walls, loud slaps landing on skin, they call the police.

 

Among physically abusive clients, nearly one-third have been arrested as a result of a call to the police that came from someone other than the abused woman.

 

If there were millions of cowed, trembling men out there, the police would find them. 

 

Abusive men commonly like to play the role of victim, and most men who claim to be "battered men" are actually the perpetrators of violence, not the victims.

 

Men can be abused by other men, however, and the women can be abused by women ...sometimes through means that include physical intimidation or violence.

 

 

Some information from Lundy Bancroft

 

WHY DOES HE DO THAT?  Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men

 

 

LUNDY BANCROFT   has spent the last seventeen years of his career specializing in domestic abuse and the behavior of abusive men.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are what is wrong with America today. Women who blame all of their problems on men. Women are perfect and anything that goes wrong in their lives can be attributed to the actions of the men in her life.

 

Whether you want to admit it or not, women can be abusers as much, or even more so than men. It is not a rare occurance as you claimed in your post.

 

Think about it. When people say ."oh he is p**** whipped" everyone just laughs. If a man does the same thing to his wife or girlfriend, he is "a controlling, abusive bastard". Pretty much every guy I know is p**** whipped. If men used the same criteria as women to claim abuse, almost every women in America would be considered abusive.

 

Let's get real and honest. Abuse is a bad thing and the word should not be thrown around willy, nilly. It should be taken seriously.

 
January 13, 2008, 4:31 pm CST

Men are abused too!

Pleasance,

 

You need to read this editorial:

 

Battered Husbands
May 29, 2001
by
Wendy McElroy, mac@ifeminists.com

Men as well as women are victims of domestic abuse but discussing that fact is a taboo in our society.

A while back, I interviewed a battered husband named Stanley G. During one confrontation with his wife, Stanley locked himself into the family car for safety. Breaking into the car, she shoved him down face-first into the passenger seat, planting her knees in his back. She used a heavy cellular phone to club him repeatedly across the side of the head. Stanley told me about attempting to file a complaint with the police in Long Beach, California:

"Blood streamed down my face. Internal injuries dislocated my ribs. Lacerations and multiple abrasions marked my back and groin. My attacker had no injuries. I told the officer that I wanted the crime report to note my injuries and the names of witnesses. He responded, 'We ain't takin' a report from you, buddy.'" The officer refused to take Stanley seriously because he was a man who had been beaten by his wife.

There is such stigma attached to being victimized by a woman that many men refuse to file a complaint or even speak of it. The statistics on battered men are further obscured by researchers who focus exclusively on abused women and by feminists who ascribe almost all domestic violence to men. They ignore the May 2000 data from the U.S. Department of Justice that reveals men to be victims in 15-16% of all reported domestic violence. (Even that statistic includes only those men with enough courage and persistence to make an official report.)

The fact that men are victims of domestic violence has been known for a long time. Murray A. Straus, co-director of the Family Research Laboratory, points to dozens of studies that indicate both sexes are equally responsible for domestic violence. A classic study published in 1980 by sociologists Straus, Richard Gelles, and Suzanne Steinmetz show that women direct as much violence at men as vice versa, although men usually receive less injury. The National Family Violence Surveys of 1975 and 1985 concluded that men are as likely to become victims of domestic violence as women. But society's response to male victims is dramatically different than it is to female ones.

In 1974, the first battered women's shelter in the U.S. opened its doors in St. Paul, Minnesota. Today, having been funded by billions and billions of dollars, thousands of shelters, hotlines and government programs exist to help women who are victimized by violence. Nothing remotely comparable exists for men.

At the time Stanley was abused, the closest battered men's shelter was in San Francisco and it was geared toward gays. He approached several battered women's shelters but they did not even return his phone calls. "How should I handle the police," he asked one woman who answered the phone. "We don't know what to say to a man," she replied. Ironically, to receive government funding, shelters are not allowed to discriminate on the basis of race or sex.

Abused men are in the same position as that of women decades ago who were raped. They are reluctant to go the police or to admit the abuse occurred. They think, "No one will believe me." Or, "I will be blamed and ridiculed for my own victimization." Or, "I will be further traumatized by an unsympathetic system."

With the advent of the Men's Movement, this is slowly changing. For example, last month, a conference on "Male Victims of Domestic Abuse" took place in Portland, Maine -- said to be the first conference of its kind in New England. The event was co-sponsored by the Battered Men's Helpline, a volunteer group that receives no federal funding. The nonprofit organization offers abused men a 24-hour help line, support groups, referrals to sympathetic mental health professionals, and advice on how to handle the legal system.

One of the conference speakers was Richard Davis, a retired police officer who teaches Criminal Justice and Domestic Violence at Quincy College in Plymouth, Massachusetts. Davis is currently writing a manual for police officers, which is gender-neutral on domestic violence. For example, it does not fall into the usual trap of referring to victims as "she" and attackers as "he."

The ultimate goal of the Battered Men's Helpline is to build a shelter for abused men. But its founder Jan Brown explains, "there’s nowhere to go to find money. According to my research, no grants are available for male victims — everything’s women and children." In their book "Intimate Violence," Straus and Gelles comment on government funding of violence prevention: "there has been fierce competition for the limited resources that are available." For self-interested reasons, many women's shelters continue to deny that men comprise a significant portion of those victimized by domestic abuse. Their funding depends on the denial. In this, they have been supported by feminist literature that depicts spousal abuse as an ideological hate crime that men commit against women. Thus, even if a woman does hit a man, people assume he had it coming.

Eighteenth- and nineteenth-century Europe had a custom called charivari in which an abused husband was dressed as a woman and forced to ride through the village, sitting backwards on a donkey. Twenty-first century America displays a similar attitude. We snicker and laugh at abused men -- all the while telling them never to hit a woman, even in self-defense. At the same time, we bring up girls to believe it is acceptable to strike a man: "If he gets fresh, just slap his face."

Battered men pay taxes to support hotlines and shelters from which they are excluded because of their sex. They are dismissed by police because of their sex. Crime and punishment in domestic violence seem to hinge on genitalia and -- legally speaking -- men have the wrong equipment. The only right abused men seem to have retained in full is the right to remain silent.

 
January 15, 2008, 5:11 am CST

Pain

Quote From: mrbean5411

You are what is wrong with America today. Women who blame all of their problems on men. Women are perfect and anything that goes wrong in their lives can be attributed to the actions of the men in her life.

 

Whether you want to admit it or not, women can be abusers as much, or even more so than men. It is not a rare occurance as you claimed in your post.

 

Think about it. When people say ."oh he is p**** whipped" everyone just laughs. If a man does the same thing to his wife or girlfriend, he is "a controlling, abusive bastard". Pretty much every guy I know is p**** whipped. If men used the same criteria as women to claim abuse, almost every women in America would be considered abusive.

 

Let's get real and honest. Abuse is a bad thing and the word should not be thrown around willy, nilly. It should be taken seriously.

Being hit with a pan filled with hot grease hurts no less because the target is a man.  I knew someone in a marriage like this.  He would not tell anyone.  It was told to me in hushed tones like it was a shameful secret.  The humiliation a man feels being abused by a woman starts as children.  "You got beat by a girl!" We need to teach our children that people should not hit other people not  just "men don't hit women."

 

Pleasance I know that you are entitled to your opinion but even you can't believe that it is impossible to abuse a male human.

 
February 13, 2008, 2:30 pm CST

I don't get it

I agree with the mother...I think it is tragic with what happened to the daughter.....however, I know an individual who was abused by a family member and I have to say that the daughter's attitude was cocky.  Dr. Phil is starting to stray from his original origin....I have watched him since Oprah...

 

First, the mother made statements and Dr. Phil prides himself on research and yet the mother made a statement and she is correct over 25 years ago in a different country we don't know how things are handled but he assumed because of the horrific situation that took place with the daughter that the mother was lying....I believe it is time that dr. phil start doing some lie detector tests on his guests prior to them being on TV but that wouldn't make for good TV....


 
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