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Topic : 12/04 Doomed from the Start?

Number of Replies: 358
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Created on : Friday, November 30, 2007, 01:40:54 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Physical and verbal abuse, a cheating spouse … what are the deal-breakers in your marriage? Dr. Phil talks to a couple on the verge of breaking up, and he has help from Bishop T.D. Jakes, renowned pastor and author of Reposition Yourself. Anthoney says he cheated on his wife, Erin, many times and admits to being verbally abusive during their five-year marriage. He said his wife moved across the country with their three children and recently stopped returning his phone calls. Erin says she still loves her husband but will only take him back if he's a changed man. Anthoney claims that he's gotten his life back on track, but can he be trusted? Can this family reunite, or should they just call it quits? Join the discussion.

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December 4, 2007, 12:29 pm CST

Doomed from the Start

This guy says he has changed, and I do not know enough about this man to know if he has changed or not. I will say that a man can change. My husband and I were married at 19 same as this couple. There are several hurdles that have to be over come by marrying this young, but both of these 2 people need to grow up. If she was aggressive towards him, he should not allow that. He says she shouldn't  "live off of him" for 5 years...I am not defending him, but if he is working to bring home the money to pay for the family, and she is a stay at home mom, or pregnant woman, unless she is required by her doctor to stay in the bed because of the pregnancy, it is her responsiblity to make sure he comes home to a clean and happy home.  If she does not take care of the home and she sits around doing nothing, then I can see why he would be frustrated.

Her disposition makes me uneasy. I don't think she is telling the truth about her role in all of this. They are doomed unless both of them GET REAL!!

 

 

 
December 4, 2007, 12:29 pm CST

Child Support

I bet you a dime to a doughnut that the only reason he wants to get back with his wife is to avoid child support payments.

 

He's a player and a poor excuse for a man.

 
December 4, 2007, 12:36 pm CST

Physical Abuse - Dec 4/07

Absolutely...Abuse of any kind is wrong!!!

Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual Abuse...

But I am sorry Dr. Phil & his guest are absolutely incorrect to say that this guest does not have to do housework, why because she had three children in 3 years....so when does she get to start cleaning the house....I wish that when I had my kids I could have lived in garbage, laundry etc...

 
December 4, 2007, 12:45 pm CST

TWO SIDES

There are way too many problems in this marriage. She is not going to find anyone else if she doesn't get up and do something. Dr. Phil, when he was giving a discription of her being so lazy you asked her if she was pregnant. What difference does it make? You can do laundry when you are pregnant. You can keep a clean house when you are pregnant. You can get dressed. You can shower. You can cook dinner, etc. She obviously was able to have sex and if they are any good at it THEN she should be tired. I think she is playing the "poor pitiful me" card.

 

He needs a lot of help to be a married man.  Hope he gets it before he tries marriage again.

 
December 4, 2007, 12:50 pm CST

Too Immature to have gotten Married

Both of these people are way too immature -- Erin I think wants to always be a little girl - even when she's 80.  Knowing that her husband had to work 2/3 jobs to keep them she didn't use some form of birth control till they got a better handle on things?  Anthony -- you are way too angry, way too not nice and a serial philanderer - and men can use birth control too you know.  Erin, just cause your husband lowered himself to run around didn't mean you had to lower yourself too.  Are you guys even sure who's the father of these kids? THis isn't Junior High School now - time you BOTH grew up.

 

As for the reverend -- oh please - a young immature couple with the husband working 2/3 jobs coming home to a very immature wife who's over-burdened and married to a guy fooling around and BOTH of them screwing around on each other and you think he's going to say 'oh what a blessing my life is"??  Not in this world.


Dr. Phil is right - reconcilliation is not in the cards -- BUT -- what he didn't want to do was be not nice to sweet little erin - who has made her own mistakes here - from not recognizing that perhaps she was having too many kids for them to handle in such a short amount of time, too being overly dependent on her husband - I can't imagine what she must have been like when he crawled in the door - stuck at home with no other adults and no car and no way to get milk, diapers or go to a Mommy-and-Me group. With the state of the house it sounds as if she were really depressed - and she had reason to be - but she was in large part the cause of her own depression because she was expected to live like a grownup in a grownup world with grownup concerns but she was really still living like a little kid playing house.

 

And then this little kid marries Anthony who at the time thought he wanted to play at being a grownup only when the reality hit home he realized its not what he wanted, and he wasn't ready and if it was going to happen it wasn't going to happen with the pretty little girl he married.

 

Also, both had affairs - when either had the time to do it I have no idea -- but both did - he may have had a lot more but she had a more than a few herself it seems like.  Yuck - Yuck to both of them.  They all need to move on, grow up and hopefully become better more mature persons who make better choices the next time around.

 
December 4, 2007, 12:50 pm CST

My Life

OMG!!!!! Their Life is a mirror of mine. I have been married for 18 years and have heard everything she has word for word. The exact names were said to me the verbal and emotional abuse. The restraint and the well she threw it at me first. It will never change I have stayed and given every chance for things to get better I took the blame I did everything I could to try to make it better. It is not me! Or her! He is the problem. He will never change and IT only gets Worse!!!! And as my children have gotten older he now has started taking it out on them and has started saying those same degrading things and abusing my Oldest daughter. He tells her she is fat and is going to end up like me. Cause I have gained weight now. But when he started calling me names and telling me I was fat I was onlly 135lbs.  Leave him and don't ever look back. If not for you do it for your kids. He is a horrible influance. I am paying the price for staying in my marriage. My boys treat me like my husband does and my husband and my boys verbally abuse me and my daughters. If she stays it will have a horrible affedt on her children. they will grow up like him. No matter how much I have tried to undo his behaviour over our kids His bad behaviour has won. Bad behaviour always over shadows the good.

PLEASE for your children don't get back with him. I wish I could and would have left a long time ago. I am trapped in my marriage. I don't have a way out . You have family. Leave and stay gone. Take Dr. Phils advice he knows what he is doing. I have asked for help several times from dr. phil and have never heard back. I am not sure how these people get through. I wish I knew the secret. I would love to have the chance to have Dr. Phil help me and my kids. Because of my health problems I cannot leave and my husband knows I am trapped. Men like this will never change they will always cheat and will always put you down and your chldren.

 
December 4, 2007, 12:51 pm CST

self esteem?

Dr. Phil needs to go beyond yelling at this guy (who's a dog, no doubt), and get to the real issues of

-WHY he feels the need to control and belittle his wife

-and more importantly, WHY she lets anyone tell her she's worthless, or has fat thighs, and accept that as truth.  WHY does a 24 yr old woman not have a drivers' license, WHY does she feel the need to play the victim rather than standing up for herself, WHY she chose to marry a man like that in the first place.  This man is toxic for her, but if she doesn't figure out what drew her to him in the first place, she'll find another one just like him.  She needs to know that she plays some responsibility in this; she is not a helpless victim.


 
December 4, 2007, 12:55 pm CST

12/04 Doomed from the Start?

 Why be in such a hurry to get married and have kids ?  Why not live a little first, get an education a job a LIFE, like the Bishop says "marriage is for grownups " and I don't get how someone can call themselves a "grown up" going from being someone's little girl, to someone's little wife and Mother with no stops in between.
But whats done is done, and now she has to move FORWARD, meaning getting a job and an education in order to stand on her own and support those children, the Doc is right "she'd be an absolute fool to take him back ".
As for not having the house clean, she was either pregnant, or had small children, newborn, toddler, fetus, it seemed she didn't get over one pregnancy before she was pregnant again, her hormones would be so out of whack, she could have been suffering Post Partum Depression the whole time and there wasn't any mention of complications during any of the pregnancies.  Besides, a spotless house and small kids don't always go together.
See something Anthony dosen't get, Ultimatums tend to bite you in the ass and if your going to give them be prepared to back it up.
BOTH have some SERIous growing up to do, she has to realize that she could do EVERYTHING he asks of her to make her the wife HE WANTS her to be, but it will NEVER be good enough there will always be something else he needs to FIX in her, she needs to live and be the person SHE WANTS to be, and he might have to face that the person SHE becomes dosen't include him.
Fifty women in five years, c'mon never mind the "Be a hero " CRAP, this is BS.  Obviously, these other women saw through him.
The Doc is right, a Man has to walk away, why ? Because no matter what she's done, the courts and the law are on her side in cases of domestic abuse, for better or worse, right or wrong.
He has no clue, he wants her back for control, she's scared of him, that's obvious, he KNOWS  she'll allow him to control her and to continue being the "MAN" he's been.
Restraint is NOT, a pillow over the face (a Police officer would be charged for that ), slamming someone into the wall, or a choke hold, no matter how you slice it.
 
December 4, 2007, 1:04 pm CST

RUN RUN RUN

 Omg, Dr. Phil....i could really see the frustration on your face and in your whole body today.........i could tell you felt at certain points you probably would have had better response from the husband talking to a wall.....
If i ever have seen anyone that needs to be divorced is those two kids....and i say kids and mean kids you can tell in there speak and demeanour that they have a lot of growing up to do , but separately.
The husband is all willing to give it another go b/c he feels she finally is doing what he wanted her to do especially in getting a job....well if she went back to him and lost her job? what would happen? hmmmmmmmm... i think we all know.....worse thing the young lady could do would be to go back...and i mean at any time.

Sure Dr. Phil is making certain things available to them to try to see if things can work...and that's great Dr. Phil....but it wont do any good...the husband's mind will never change...if anything i think he will say what needs to be said, what people want to hear just to get her back.....I think its an easy thing....when he had her he didnt want...now that he doesnt have her he wants her.....if she went back he would do the same thing again.....past behavior!!!!!!!!!!!
Im a strong believer in marriage...but when it doesnt work call it quits...i truly believe these two should have never married to start off with......children . yes there are 3.....but much better off i believe without the parents being together at all cost.

Bishop Jake i know u meant well.....you believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel...and i believe in that also......but for this couple the only light for them is a separate light in each others end of the world......

Wish both of these young people good luck....as they need it.....but please do not return together worse mistake ever made...and i believe even the councelling will show that....

Dr. Phil please do a follow on this couple at a later time , i would be very interested to see if the husband has changed...and im sure u would be also...lol......dont mean to laugh as this is serious is just i dont believe i ever saw you so frustrated as you were today.........good show !!!!!!
Keep up the good work to both you and the Bishop
 
December 4, 2007, 1:06 pm CST

Double standards

I want to start with saying that I think she should have left her husband after the first affair, and that verbal abuse is just as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse. I do believe that she should leave him because of those reasons, but I do have to say that I think Dr. Phil was wrong in saying that it's not right for the guy to defend himself. I don't at all mean that it's right in any way for him to hit her, strangle her, or anything of the sort....but if she's hitting him, he does have the right to block the hit. It's not any more right for her to hit her husband than it is for him to hit her. Marriage constitutes a MUTUAL respect for one another. Just because she's a woman, does not make it right for her to hit him. Men get battered and abused too. All in all, I believe that she should have left him a long time ago for so many reasons, but that one issue really got to me. I'm sure that Dr. Phil wouldn't have said that it was wrong for her to defend herself if he was hitting her. I absoluntely love Dr. Phil and the show, but this was a case of double standards in my opinion. It isn't right for a husband OR a wife to hit each other...no matter what.
 
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