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Topic : 12/05 Internet Dangers

Number of Replies: 101
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Created on : Friday, November 30, 2007, 01:42:12 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
You don’t think twice when logging on to the Internet to shop for household items, chat with relatives and buy movie tickets, but surfing the net can have dangerous consequences. Donna Jou made headlines when she disappeared five months ago. The straight A-student was last seen in the company of John Burgess, a convicted sex offender whom police believe she met on Craigslist. Donna’s family is outraged that Burgess isn’t behind bars, and her mom, Nili, makes an impassioned plea for her safe return. Their attorney, Gloria Allred, brings Dr. Phil up to speed on this tragic case. Then, Marcus and Rhodesia were married for eight years and had three kids, but that didn’t stop Marcus from having an affair with a woman he met on MySpace. Marcus says Rhodesia drove him to cheat because she let herself go. The ink has barely dried on their divorce papers, but Marcus and Rhodesia are already thinking about reconciling. Can Marcus change, or should Rhodesia thank her lucky stars that she’s out of this marriage? Tell us what you think!

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December 5, 2007, 1:46 pm CST

Dump Marcus, dont blame Myspace

Rhodesia needs to stop balming Myspace, THe fact is, she is with a cheater, Had he not cheated  on Myspace, he would have done it elsewhere. Once a person cheats they will usually do it again, with rare exceptions to the rule, Rhodesia needs to kick his butt out and go on. I hate to say this, but i bet he cheats on her again in  the future.  
 
December 5, 2007, 1:55 pm CST

Just plain selfish and irresponsible.

When are people going to stop blaming someone else for what they do? 

Personally, I don't care if this was the worst wife on the planet on the show today.  If that were the case, then that is what counseling is for and divorce court.  Do spouses play a part in a relationship when one cheats?  Yes, because they can be the catalyst in many ways as they are a part of a couple and their negligence, bad attitude, abuse and so forth in a relationship can mostly certainly contribute to the breakdown in a marriage that can lead to an affair, but they are not responsible for someone else's actions.  This husband, even if all he says it true about his wife (which sound very lame to me), still actively chose to go outside of his marriage for a cure to his marital woes.  He inappropriately brought in a stranger into a private and exclusive relationship.  That is never right . . . ever . . . end of discussion . . . period!

This husband chose an inappropriate answer to (perhaps) a legitimate problem.  Should any spouse care about how he or she looks?  Yes, it should always matter how we present ourselves to the person we love.  Should any spouse make his or her best effort to please his or her spouse?  Yes, that is what love is about in the first place.  "I" gets replaced with "we" and "you."  It's no longer all about "me."  Should any spouse contribute to the well-being of the home (chores, maintenance, attitude, etc.)?  Yes again for the same reasons I noted a moment ago that once you marry you are a couple and/or family.  Your contribution to the home environment means everythingHOWEVER, you do not do these things out of obligation or with resentment; you do them out of love for the other, and in that light, you don't hold it over your spouse's head that if he or she, for whatever reason, don't live up to your level of expectation (legitimate or otherwise), then you will go outside of the marriage for satisfaction.  Your spouse is not your hostage!

ANYONE giving these kinds of ultimatums doesn't deserve to be in a relationship as their love is conditional upon how the other behaves, looks, and contributes to the marriage and that is thinking like a little kid.  It becomes all about pleasing "me" and doesn't look at the relationship as "we."  In addition, anyone who accepts these terms for a relationship needs to both grow a backbone and find some serious self-esteem as no has a right to treat someone this way.  Staying in such a relationship as this one doesn't make you some kind of hero/martyr or better than anyone else because you took someone's silly crap for so many years.  There are no awards for staying in this kind of relationship were you receive conditional love and not true unconditional love, and this doesn't mean there aren't any rules in a relationship. 

I admit that we all must have what Dr. Phil calls "deal-breakers" in a relationship, but that is not the same as conditional love where someone says, "you do this and I'll stay and love you," "you don't do this or that and I'll leave you."  That is nothing less than emotional blackmail used by controlling people.  "Deal-breakers" are simply more like "I will love you, stay with you, and forgive you for just about anything, but there are one or two things I just won't put up with (cheating, lying, physical or emotional abuse, etc.).  These are big items and things that should just not plain show up in a solid relationship.  This is not the same as, "You better look sexy for me everyday I come home from work or I'll get a hot babe to satisfy me."  That's just cruel, manipulative, selfish, and a great example of "conditional" love.

This husband's problem is not, I repeat, is not MySpace.Com or "Craig'sList.com" or any other .com.  It's his attitude toward his wife and what he feels he's entitled to.  If these sites didn't exist, then he would be visiting singles bars or prostitutes or reading the singles ads in the newspaer.  The .com sites only make it more convenient for him meet woman.  It is not the cause of his problems, it is only the avenue he actively chose to meet his own needs and until he can man up to his end of all this and she grows a backbone and gains some self-esteem, this will always be a marriage based upon the terms he dictates.

I've made many very nice friends online, including on this site, but I have self-control and a great love for my wife to not allow myself to get inappropriately involved with someone here or elsewhere.  By that I mean, not meeting of people privately and no emotional affairs either (were one confides very personal matters to another because "only she understands").  An emotional affair is as much a betrayal as a physical one and, in fact, can actually be more painful.  Because of those possibilities online, my wife and I share only one email account to avoid secrets and the opportunity to do wrong.  You have to have safeguards even in the best of marriages.  She knows what sites I'm on and who I know.  If one of us makes a new online friend, we tell the other immediately.  We don't necessarily read each other's emails, but we are free to and/or we ask about who someone is that sent a message. 

It isn't necessarily that the sites are bad (although some are), but how we use them.  Use these sites wisely and if you can't trust yourself, then don't go on them at all.  Recognize your weakness; that is a strength!  In addition, no secrets from your spouse.  He or she should always know where you've been poking around online and not deleting histories and sharing an email account is a good place to start.

-Steve
 
December 5, 2007, 1:56 pm CST

How can you really monitor that?

Quote From: beverleysage

My question is if a sexual preditor can not live near a school, playground, allow them to have trick or treaters, or even have contact with a child, why should they have access to the internet? I think that should be a parole violation. This is where they find unsuspcting children and child porn.

That is pretty much impossible to properly monitor. Not that your wrong, its just that, lets say for example he lives with roommates or even sad as it is, lives back home with his mommy and daddy. How would you know who is using the internet? I mean he can log on anounyously or even if he's really sneeky or desperate login using someone else's account in the house hold. But if is that was somehow able to be monitored. Then how about the basic phone line? the newspaper? etc. Whats from stopping a sexual predator from creating an account or a profile through the phone line or a newspaper ad? Even if any of that was do-able how much resources would that take?

 

Just seems impossible to me. All sexual predators should be takin to some remote island and dropped off and live there.

 
December 5, 2007, 1:57 pm CST

Amen!!!!

Quote From: rissa140

I totally agree with you! I too, am a REAL person here, and have met several great & decent friends from the Internet, most of them on Myspace.

 

It just gets tiring to keep hearing sooo many people blaming Myspace, Facebook, Craigslist, or just the Internet in general, for certain problems. Are there bad/sick people on there & people who pretend to be someone they're not? Yes of course, HOWEVER, that is NOT the case for EVERYONE on there. These sites, and the Internet in general, are/is NOT the problem!... It is the stupid & immature people on them. If someone is having an affair w/someone from the Internet, the ONLY person to blame is THE PERSON HAVING THE AFFAIR. If someone goes & meets someone else from the Internet and GOD FORBID something bad happens, is it the Internet's fault (or any of those sites' fault)? NO! Those people CHOSE to meet each other offline... I am in NO WAY saying that people deserve to be hurt if they take that chance (like I said, I've met people off the Internet myself), what I am saying is... if you CHOOSE to meet someone offline, you should NOT be blaming the Internet or site for what happened to you. God Forbid something happened to me, I would not be blaming anyone or anything, but MY CHOOSING to do it in the first place. Be accountable/responsible for YOUR OWN ACTIONS, PEOPLE!

 

The Internet has PLENTY advantages as well, and for once, I'd like to hear about some of those! Dr. Phil himself, is a spokesperson for Match.Com, Right? Well how about doing a show with some of the successful couples from there, or any other site for that matter. I just think its a little prejudiced & biased, not to mention sickening, to ALWAYS hear about the bad things that happen on the Internet when there's also so much good. Obviously, we all know the bad stuff is there (how can we not) but really, how about we stop paying sooo much attention to those who bring the issues/problems on themselves by being stupid & immature (specifically, grown adults & teens), and show more of the good things/advantages of the Internet?

 

 

 I liked your post so much that I thought I'd give it a simple amen so that it could be repeated!!
 
December 5, 2007, 1:58 pm CST

Dump Marcus dont blame Myspace

This woman Rhodesia is simply married to a cheater, If he he hadnt chteated on her on Myspace, he would have cheated on her elsewhere. I hate to say it, but I bet he cheats on her again. Cheaters will usually always cheat again if they have done it once, Sometimes there may be an exception to the rule, but not often, Dump him, lady.
 
December 5, 2007, 2:09 pm CST

student with a 4.0 but how about common sense?

I do have some questions/issues with this 'so called' 4.0 student who is also a math tudor. If someone is so smart and so intelligent, then how could she be 'lured' by someone who is a sexual predator? I guess I just have trouble putting the peices together, because is someone is very smart, very bright, very quick, very ahead of the game so to speak, then wouldn't she have ANY idea of what she is getting involved in? Not only that BUT WHY is a straight A student, with a 4.0 GPA, seems like a nice, attractive woman, EVEN doing on a website like that, BUT more then that AGREEING to meet someone who she has never met before????? and THEN get on the back of a motorbike with that person?????????????

 

Am I the only person who is having this problem or seeing this issue????? I know we dont appear to have all the facts of the issues at hand but still.. I dunno but it just seems that common sense should prevail here, especially with someone who is smart, ahead of the game, etc, etc, etc.....

 

Am I wrong here?

 
December 5, 2007, 2:18 pm CST

Internet

I'm so tired of people saying the internet is bad and blaming their problems on a website.  I cant stand people saying that it makes people cheat and do things they shouldnt... they do it themselves it has NOTHING to do with the site or the internet. The wife on the show today shouldnt hate myspace but be THANKFUL for it... in that it showed the real side of her husband and what he is capable of doing so that she can think twice of staying in a marriage like that. If it wasnt for sites like myspace, they would find another way to cheat if they are wanting to and it wouldnt be as easy for people to find out about so they can know what is going on. I have been a member of myspace for over three years now and I would hate to go without it. Its a way for me to talk to all my friends and family near or far and to share pictures and memories together.... its a way for people to display who they are celebrate themselves and share it with others... and meet people from all walks of life. There is nothing wrong with it. As Dr Phil says.. its not about the use but abot the ABUSE. If you have a child under the age of 18 myspace has settings that will not allow people to view their page without being their friend or knowing them... you can set it to only accept messages and requests and only allow people to view it if they know their last name or the email. There are precaustions both parents and people in general can take to be safe... some just dont chose to. I feel sorry for the girl who is missing on the show today... mabey it will teach people to be more caustious before going off with a stranger like that. I met my boyfriend of three wonderful years online... and I can tell you there are things you can do to make sure meeting a person is safe. INFORM yourself!

 
December 5, 2007, 2:24 pm CST

Marcus and Rhodesia

Ok Marcus said what he did was wrong, but at the sametime who wants to be with a woman who doesn't care about the way she look? if she gains a bunch of weight? If he offers to buy her a nice outfit and she declines? That right there tells me that she has no self-esteem or self-respect in how she looks or appears to other people around her. I think that's extremely selfish on her part. Not only that but who wants to be with someone who lets themself go? seriously! I mean she can pawn it off about it being the kids this or the family that, but come on here. Theres nothing wrong with your husband wanting to buy you a nice outfit ONCE in 8 yrs? they have been married? So yea Rhodesia can pass the buck off to how its about the kids always needing this or that or that her husband comes first, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with a wife/mother being treated to something on occasion. Its not like Marcus is doing this every single day and that the kids are going without food here...........

 

Unfortunately the simple yet harsh reality is that Rhodesia has become sooooo lazy and laidback that she just doesn't care about her self appearance in the slightest. But she is NOT the only person who looks at her, who sleeps in the same bed with her and who wants to be romantically involved with her..... So if she dont care enough to do it, then go elsewhere right? That's what Marcus did. Who wants to be with someone who just dont care enough to care at all....What does bother me is how she tries to pawn if off on the kids and family, and then tries to sell it by sobing/crying on national tv.

 

Come on Rhodesia just because you got married and had a family, does not give you the right to totally let yourself go to the point where your husband isn't even attracted to you, even after he willingly offers to buy you a nice ourfit. Also Rhodesia dont pawn it off on the family and the kids.. They are not going hungry or anything like that. You became a lazy, jobless mother who just got sooo lazy you dont care anymore, gained weight, didnt want anything, and according to you put everyone else first all the time, which by the way isnt the way it works, or needs to be......

 

Shape up and give your husband the respect enough to want to be with you, to find you attractive. He goes to work all day while you do whatever you want, all the time.....As Dr.Phil would say LETS GET REAL!

 
December 5, 2007, 2:32 pm CST

About Marcus

Marcus made the statement that his wife better keep herself looking good. Hello Marcus you're fat and not all that. Your wife should say the same to you. Men that are fat never seem to see it.

 
December 5, 2007, 2:41 pm CST

12/05 Internet Dangers

 I guess I could go into all the ways this guy Marcus is an utter and complete jerk, but why bother?  He makes a fool out of himself well enough without needing any help from me.  He basically just said he cheated on his wife because she switched jobs and got less income.  WOW, CHIVALRY'S NOT DEAD OR ANYTHING, IS IT?!!!
 
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