Topic : 12/06 Desperate to Be a Mom

Nothing, when BOTH people want it, NOT JUST ONE OF THEM!!

I just have to say that I completely empathize with these women.  I am 33 (nearly 34), and my husband is almost 40.  We’ve been married about 3 years, and have a wonderful, strong relationship.  We have been trying to conceive for 2 years with no luck.  Two months ago, we started Clomid treatment.  We are hoping and praying that this works.  We will also try artificial insemination if needed, although we can not afford in vitro. 

I am an adoptee who has not had the best experience.  I have several issues surrounding adoption, and just don’t feel that it’s the road for me at this time.  I’ve never met anyone that I’m biologically related to, and in all honesty, I don’t understand the bond that people who are blood related share.  I know that the ONLY way I will ever experience this is to have a child of my own.

I dream of the day that I can be a mother.  That I can carry a child under my heart, bear them, raise them, love them.   It is a daily thought.  Each month I face the disappointment of not being pregnant, while trying to remain cautiously optimistic for the future.  I look at my dear husband and know that he will make a fantastic father, and pray that we are able to make a child together.

My wife was diagnosed with PCOS about a year ago.  It has made it practically impossible for us to get pregnant.  If anyone knows of any treatments out there that might help us be able to have a family would be greatly appreciated.  We both want children very much.  Her sister was also diagnosed with this issue.  She is only 15!  The doctors told her that it is good that they caught it at an early age.  This can help with the successfulness of the treatment.

I watch Dr. Phil nearly everyday and generally have great respect for him and his opinions. I've always found him to be fair and sensible. However, this episdoe made me so incredibly angry that I had to come on this site and say what I feel.

In the matter of the first couple, I can see his point. Depending on how strongly the man feels about not having children, it's something he needs to consider for his wife. But SHE needs to do the same for HIM! Marriage isn't just about making the woman happy, it's about both partners doing things for each other. I was very surprised that he didn't seem to focus on that.

It was the second couple that sent me through the roof! It's sad that she needs to have a child to validate herself.  In my opinion, her husband was extremely sensible and, for once, Dr. Phil was definitely NOT. Spending thousands of dollars to CREATE a child is NOTHING like spending it to SAVE a child that already exists! That woman is throwing money after something that simply will not happen for her. I'm sorry that she can't have kids, but that's life! Maybe there's a reason for that. Not every one is meant to reproduce.

However, the thing that upset me more than anyone is that Dr. Phil did not discuss adoption. If having a child is that important to you, then spend the money on the actual child, not on the possibility of one!! There are millions of children in desparate need of a loving family at this very moment, and this woman has the audacity to spend her entire savings on something that will not happen?! And Dr. Phil told her to do it?! There are already far too many people on this planet, it makes a lot more sense to save one that already exists than to just add to the problem.

That woman is exceptionally selfish, and I was extremely disappointed in Dr. Phil for supporting her. I only hope her husband has enough sense not to listen.

What I don't understand is why people don't consider adoption more often. There are plenty of kids out there that need good homes. Also, when are these women going to learn that having children in your 40's is almost impossible not to mention risky for the child and the mother?!? Once you get to a certain age, you should just consider adoption. My brother in-law adopted a boy and a girl with no problems at all and he is as happy as he could possibly be. A co-worker reached 40 and couldn't get pregnant so she adopted a beautiful girl as well. Save yourselves time, money, energy, health risk, etc. and just adopt! There are so many great kids in need that need awesome parents like Robert and his wife.

My husband and I got married in 2001.  I was diagnosed with PCOS a few years earlier and my doctor told me that we had to "try" to have a baby for a year before they would put us on fertillity drugs.  So we started "trying" a year before getting married.  It's 2007 and still no children.  We have recently started using fertility drugs, it was the first we could really afford to go on them and thought we were ready to tackle all the side effects....still no babies.

 

All I have to say is until you are going through it, you simply cannot relate.  I have had people tell me that everything happens when it is supposed to, God has a plan for everyone, it will happen when it is right...yadda, yadda, yadda.  Knowledge of something and applying that knowledge is totally different.  I know, I teach and both of my fellow grade level teachers are pregnant, both due in May.  Of course now all I hear is that it happens in three's, your next, or don't drink the water.  Of course most of them don't know the struggle that my husband and I have gone through, but yet I still put on that happy face and pretend everything is going great....you never notice all the pregnant people until you are in the infertility hell and seem to  be confronted by all your demons....most of them being under the age of 18...

 

To all those trying...it sucks...that's the truth...but hang in there if it is your dream!  It is not easy, but you have support out there!!!

Sounds like you're very clear about what you want and desire for your family, so any pressure you recieve should be easy to brush off, yes?

 

I found your post interesting because of the wording you used "just because I decide to change my mind."  Your commitment to your choices is probably easier to remain committed to since the desire for the alternative is absent.  Not everyone is you, not everyone is lacking that desire.  And one day, you may find yourself singing a different tune if that desire ever does grace your body and persist.

 

I understand Dr. Phil's choice to sway the men.  These women have the urge, the desire, to be pregnant and be mothers.  And being denied fullfilling that urge is something that cant be taken back.  You get one turn in this life, and a womans ability to create life is on a definite time-table.

 

When you've never experienced the desire, making a choice seems pretty uncomplicated.  The 1st couple made a choice, absent of desire.  The wife couldn't know how much desire can affect your thinking which does ultimately result in regret for ever making the "choice" to not be a parent.  Where now she has found her choice to have been made out of ignorance and the assumption that what she had experienced so far in lacking the desire, would be what she would forever experience on the matter.

 

I think Dr. Phil has a full understanding of how a woman being denied her desire will ultimately foul a relationship far more than offering understanding to the husband could.

Every message board I have ever seen where invertility is the topic, is filled wih people who have to be right. 

The desire to have children is a natural drive, not everyone has it, and that is OK, but those who do feel it strongly.  Our feelings are valid.   We are not the dumping ground for the worlds unwanted or neglected children.  Infertile couples are not the ones who by default should adopt.  Adoption is wonderful and it is a path I had often though about taking even before I knew I had fertiltiy issues, and I may if I have bio children or not.  What I resent is the implication that that is what our role is.  I make my life, I live my life, so no one gets to decide how I do it.  What I resent is those standing on the soapbox preaching that having children biologically is wrong.  I resent the fact that the crack whore on the street can pump kids out that she will neglect, I resent the irresponsible man who fathers children than does not take care of them. 

Marriage is ALL about comprimise, and for anyone to say that someone has to live with an agreement that they made with their spouse FOREVER with no room to discuss modifying it or comletely throwing it out, is missing the whole point.  I did not want my husband to knock down a wall in our house, but it was what he wanted.  Guess what?  The wall is gone.  And I agreed to it, and I do not make him miserable over it.  My husband did not want to paint the living room yellow.  The living room is yellow.  I realize that these are overall trivial things, but these trivial things are the decisions that help you learn to comprimise on the BIG ones.  My role as a wife is to make my husbands life as rich as possible and to help him achieve his dreams.  His role as a husband is the same.  We find a way to do this for each other.

Infertility is a sad sad road.  My husband and I met in 1989 when I was 16, dated for a long time before marrying in 2006, we have been trying to conceive since marrying.  We are on our 3rd round of IUI, and will move on to IVF next if this does not work.  We have no diagnosis for our troubles.  We will consider egg donors, my cousin has lined up to carry a baby if that is what we need.  We will adopt.  We will be good parents who will love and teach our children.  We will be a happy couple who love each other better today than we did yesterday, and really feel sorry for those who just dont get it.

While I understand the desire to have a child of your own, as someone else posted, being pregnant is only one part of being a mom.  It's what happens once that child is at home that really matters.  Loving and raising that child to be a good person is what is important.  I think nowadays with all the fertility drugs and treatments, people forget about adoption.  There are plenty of babies born every year who need a home, a family to love them, a couple to be their parents.  I have friends who are trying to get pregnant and have been for a couple of years.  When asked about invitro, they say if they are going to invest all that money into a baby, they want to invest in a sure thing, adoption.  I love Dr. Phil and his advice, but I had to wonder why adoption wasn't even mentioned.  The last couple was using someone else's eggs, so technically, it is not a biological child, so why not adopt?  Also, it seemed to me that Dr. Phil was trying to convince the men that they should give the women what they want.  If Keith really truly doesn't want another baby, should he have to have one to make his wife happy?  Should she get whatever she wants and not have to do anything to make him happy?   

Very well said!  I couldn't agree more.  I think Dr. Phil was very irresponsible today.  First of all it is very easy for him to give his opinion that the money isn't the most important thing...he has plenty of it!  I was angry that he asked the man in the second couple if he would worry about the money if he already had a child and the child needed medical treatment.  UNBELIEVABLE!  Here was a guy trying to be sensible and do the mature, logical, financially responsible thing and Dr. Phil's response was shocking!  I really am having a hard time believing what I saw today.  I can't believe Dr. Phil inserted his tear-jerking personal "hero" story in the middle of the first couple's story!  TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!  This guy so obviously doesn't want any more children....HE SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY MORE!!!!