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Topic : 12/06 Desperate to Be a Mom

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Created on : Friday, November 30, 2007, 01:44:52 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

How far would you go to be a mother? Dr. Phil's guests are women whose biological clocks are ticking time bombs, and they're willing to risk almost everything to become pregnant. When Tonya and Keith got married, they agreed not to have children. Six years later, Tonya has had a change of heart and is now obsessed with having a baby, but Keith is totally opposed to the idea. Can they reach a compromise without resenting each other, or will the baby talk end their wedded bliss? Next, Eric and Michelle have been married over a year and have been unable to conceive. Eric refuses to spend another dime on fertility treatments because he says there's no guarantee she's going to get pregnant. Michelle won't take no for an answer and has even considered going behind her husband's back and charging fertility treatments on her credit card. After talking with Dr. Phil, will Eric decide to invest in the procedures, or will Michelle put her baby dreams on hold? And, Dr. Phil fitness expert, Robert Reames, and his wife, Arminae, share their painful five-year struggle to have another baby. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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sandarn

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December 7, 2007, 1:07 pm PST

12/06 Desperate to Be a Mom

Quote From: anonimouse

How do you know the people who are suggesting adoption did not themselves adopt? I happen to know two couples who adopted, who never considered any other route, even though they do not have any fertility problems. And I know another couple that has two adopted children and two biological children -- after having two children they wanted a larger family, but they strongly believe in zero population growth...so rather than add even more children to the world they adopted two lovely girls from China. You are making huge assumptions to decide that none of the adoption advocates are adoptive parents themselves.

Certainly the adoption option is not for everyone. But I can understand people's surprise that it was never once mentioned during the show, not even in passing.

I know a lot has been posted about suggesting adoption to infertile couples. I don't think its meant to be insensitive. But it is a suggestion for couples who still want to be parents and never will conceive. It is a personal choice to have a baby or to adopt.

How do people see getting eggs donors different from adoption. Besides the opportunity to be pregnant and have that experience and maybe to carry your husbands child. But what if a couple uses donated eggs and sperm? The child produced is not genetically theirs, so I don't understand why adoption would be looked at as such a awful suggestion. I do realize that this is all very sensitive stuff. I wish every couple good thoughts with their journey.

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momhavens

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December 7, 2007, 1:19 pm PST

Adoption NOT second best

I have a bio son and an adopted son. A previous poster mentioned that her SIL adopted, which was "the next best thing." It is not the "next best." It is just a different way to become parent. I was extremely disappointed that neither Dr. Phil nor any of his guests on this show even mentioned adoption instead of ridiculously expensive fertility treatments, which put both mother and baby at risk. That husband who did not want to make the investment in fertility drugs was right--there's no guaranteed outcome. When you adopt, there's a guaranteed outcome: you get a child. OK, so it's not from your body. But why is that the "holy grail"? Are adopted children lesser beings because they didn't come out of their parents?

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jennipoodles

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December 7, 2007, 1:22 pm PST

just wait

i too have pollysystic. my husband and i both wanted kids right off when we got married 8 years. but it took 2 and a half years. we found out when we least exected it. we now have 2 beautiful little girls that are perfect. Elissa is now 5 years old and Brittney will be 4 in feb. what i would say to these couples is to proclaim what you want. then let go and put it in God's hands. ans let him keep it. stop troubling yourself . he will give you the desires of your heart. i know it is hard to wait but be still and know that he is the creator. thelov making should not be about making a baby. enjoy each other and just relax. let life come as it may and when you least expect it God will bless you.

to the last couple. one of the stories that i have heard all of my life isthe story of Sarah in the Bible. what was she like 93 or something and if she can have a baby then God can give you one. i know that i talk alot about God in this but that is he only way that i had peaceand could relax and live.

to all of you i hope and pray that God gives you the little blessings that you hearts desire .

jenn

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momhavens

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December 7, 2007, 1:30 pm PST

12/06 Desperate to Be a Mom

Quote From: jessiebella677

i totaly agree people should not judge these or any other woman for wanting their own child. i agree with all the replies to these people being so judgemental and somewhat cruel. stop being cruel to people it is not becoming. adoption is great but as brought out very costly and very drawn out. also i have seen so many stories where the birth mother changes her mind only to leave the adopting parents emotionaly crushed and then they have to restart the whole process. it cost upwards of 40,000 to adopt a child. if people are so concerned about adoption maybe the issue should be that the costs shouldnt be so high and then more of these children could find homes. i have my own children but have looked into adoption because i feel the desire to contribute to these children in need but i cant afford 40,000 dollars in fees and i dont think many people can. people should be allowed to make decisions without being so attacked by others. i hope all the mothers who are trying to get pregnant do get their desire fulfilled whether it be through fertility treatment or if they so choose adotion. being a mother is the most wonderful thing in the world so best wishes to all of you who have so many and sometimes diffucult decisions on this matter.

Adoption from foster care is a very inexpensive option. I have a bio son (it took us 3 years to conceive; yes, I have experienced infertility) and an adopted son. We adopted our son from Ukraine because we felt it would be easier than a domestic adoption. It took 15 months, cost $23,000 and included a great trip to Ukraine. Our adoption attorney works with many local couples and has placed many babies with no problems, so to assume that all domestic adoptions are going to be problems is just not true. I'm not judging anyone; everyone has their own comfort level and experience level. However, I would like to see a more balanced portrayal of the different ways women can become moms, not just this desperate, technology-driven fertility drug chase. There is nothing magical about parenting a child who came out of you vs. parenting a child who came out of someone else. As a mom who has experience both options, I can tell you that I love my boys just the same. My only regret is that I wasn't there for my younger son's first words and first steps. On the other hand, we had very few diapers to change and no 2 a.m. feedings!

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nikkimcclure

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December 7, 2007, 1:34 pm PST

I feel so sad to see weman have to go through this

I have had 4 children and understand the need to be a mother, I currently do not have my oldest 2 boys because my ex has them about 16 hours away from me :(.... My daughter lives with my aunt, I had her when I was 12 years old, and my son David(15 months) is with me and my husband :) If I could I would give all you woman children from my own eggs, course that would mean I probably would have giving dozens of babies away.I feel for you deserve a child if you want one and are stable enough for one..

I do not want anymore children myself but i wish i could help all of you that do.

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nikkimcclure

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December 7, 2007, 1:42 pm PST

Foster parenting

There are foster children needing families to love them. It is an easy, cheap way of becoming a parent for someone that appreciates you :) I hope that some of you will consider doing this for a foster child. Foster children need to be loved just as much as a biological child needs to be loved, and cared for. I used to be a foster child, and am currently in the process of getting my foster care license with option to adoption if it does come available to me. We all love children, well alot of us do, but sometimes God has other things in store for us, like adopting, or doing foster care :)

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hope2bmome

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December 7, 2007, 1:43 pm PST

Thanks for the "apology"

Quote From: ameydusa1

Ok...first of all, I have been married for about 20 yrs and I am a 38 year old woman who would welcome a pregnancy. But, my life will not end if it does not happen for us...as I know there are other options (adoption...or just plain acceptance) out there. In any event, this is what i really want to say here.

I truly feel that bringing a life into this world is a HUGE RESPONSIBILITY and should not be done because a woman (or her man) has a NEED to fill. Too many women bring lives into this world for selfish reasons... all my friends have a baby, i want to save my relationship, i could use the extra money I can get from the government- but, the most disturbing reason is that they NEED something from the child... they need love.

A woman who is so desparate to have a child that she wouldn't care if it made her bankrupt (cause...ya kinda need money to financially support a child) or that she doesn't care if the man who will be fathering the child isn't happy about the decision is really SELFISH and possibly emotionally unstable. A child is only a child for so long...then it becomes an adult.

I know I sound very insensitive and will be perceived by many, I'm sure, as a woman who doesn't have that "clock" or nuturing instinct. Well, I am a counselor...and I've worked with children who's parents did not give one thought about what the child's needs are - and their only need from birth is to RECEIVE...love, encouragement, self esteem, validation. It is not their job to make their mothers (or fathers) happy. it is not their job to save a broken relationship.

It kind of disturbed me a little how the emotional stability or self esteem of the potential mothers was not really addressed by Dr. Phil.

Anyway, I think I've made the point I want to make. I apologize in advance if I have offended anyone...it's just something that has always made me irate. There are too many adults with issues because they were brought into this world to make their parents feel better.

Sarcastically speaking of course. I understand you meant no ill will, How dare you decide that because you would "welcome" a child, & I desperately want a child, that I must be emotionaly unstable! Is it so wrong of me to want to look at our child & see my husbands face reflected back at me? Do you think that since I waited to have a child until we were emotionally & financially ready that that means I must just need a child of my own for purely selfish reasons. YOU have succeeded in making me irate, along with all the other ignorant dribble posted by either people who have had their own kids, or who want to pass judgement on others who are trying to. How dare all of you try to insinuate that we are selfish. I can GUARANTEE all of you that if my DH & I were able to keep a pregnancy that we would be excellent parents, better than most of the idiots out there popping them out like candy. Why are we more irate at people like me who could be awesome parents rather than the people who go around having them & could care less about them? What's really frightening is that all the morons are reproducing at alarming rates & those of us who have been responsible & waited to have them are struggling. Tell me, who would you rather see having a child, an idiot with no job or common sense, or an educated, loving couple who would see that their child grew up to be an amazing adult???? Dr.Phil, if you see this, put me on your show, I have PLENTY more to say about our struggles with infertility. Dare ya!

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nikkimcclure

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December 7, 2007, 1:48 pm PST

foster care

Quote From: momhavens

Adoption from foster care is a very inexpensive option. I have a bio son (it took us 3 years to conceive; yes, I have experienced infertility) and an adopted son. We adopted our son from Ukraine because we felt it would be easier than a domestic adoption. It took 15 months, cost $23,000 and included a great trip to Ukraine. Our adoption attorney works with many local couples and has placed many babies with no problems, so to assume that all domestic adoptions are going to be problems is just not true. I'm not judging anyone; everyone has their own comfort level and experience level. However, I would like to see a more balanced portrayal of the different ways women can become moms, not just this desperate, technology-driven fertility drug chase. There is nothing magical about parenting a child who came out of you vs. parenting a child who came out of someone else. As a mom who has experience both options, I can tell you that I love my boys just the same. My only regret is that I wasn't there for my younger son's first words and first steps. On the other hand, we had very few diapers to change and no 2 a.m. feedings!

Adoption through foster care usually doesnt cost a penny.

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mrsmelodie

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December 7, 2007, 1:53 pm PST

Dr. Phil

Well, to have or not to have, to long for...

These are huge life choices.

The one thing I will take with me from the show is the love between Phil and Robin.

This is a rare mature love, I have only witnessed once before.

I was so moved.

God bless you both. You are the Light.

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kari1972

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December 7, 2007, 2:05 pm PST

12/06 Desperate to Be a Mom

Quote From: goofy2704

I am a 30 year old married women who has been trying to get pregnant for 2 years. Last year we seeked fertility treatments and had no success yet. Unfortunately we are in that 30% tile for no unknown reason as to why we cannot get pregnant. We have been lucky so far since our insurance copy has been covering the treatments. Our insurance company only covers three months of each cycle of drugs so in two months we will be on our own financially if we plan to take it to the next level. Trying to become pregnant is like having another job you are told when to have intercourse and how often, spontaneous is not even thought of anymore. Growing up I always knew I wanted to have children, I never imagined it would be this hard. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I am a 35 year old married woman who has been trying to get pregnant for 2 years also. I too always imagined myself being a mom so we started trying right from the "I do". Everything you are saying I understand and sympathize with. We too are in that very low percent tile of "unexplained infertility". To be honest, for us, the not knowing why we're not getting pregnant might be harder than knowing that there is a problem since there is nothing to "fix". My husband and I both seem to be very healthy with no problems. If you don't mind me asking, how far have you gone to this point? Have you tried IVF yet? That is going to be our next step (we already did 3 rounds of IUI). But anyway, I just wanted you to know that there is someone out there who is going through the same thing you are, and it's ok to be frustrated and upset (I allow myself every month when the test comes out negative to get upset and even cry as needed - but then move on and start over) My only advice, if you haven't already, take a break from it for a couple of months. We just did that and went on vacation and had a wonderful time. It was nice to be able to drink alcohol and eat whatever I wanted (I don't really drink while trying and also watch what I eat - like no blue cheese). And now we're ready to try to conquer this once again. We have a plan as to how far we'll go and how long we'll do it for. Good luck to you. I will keep my fingers crossed that it happens for you and your husband real soon.

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