Topic : 12/06 Desperate to Be a Mom

As I watched the show, I cried tears of happiness as Dr. Phil related his and Robin's reversal journey story. I was so touched because I have a 5 month old reversal son. He is everything I ever dreamed he'd be and more. I have loved his father for many years, but I love him all the more because he gave me another child. I walked out to him and gave him a warm hug and kiss after the show.

 

Keith, is a child a deal breaker for you? Are you at a "10" on no more children? If you'd resent your wife or having another child, then don't get the VR. VR's work, even if the vasectomy is rather old. Oh, and btw, 48 isn't old. You look very "frisky" as mentioned on the show. Age really should be a factor in deciding whether to have a child because only the Man Upstairs knows when our time will come.  My dad past on at a young age but I'm sure glad he got my mom pg with me. I like living and I see my father in my children. He lives on through me and them.

 

Tonya, I really feel that you didn't trick Keith when you married him. People's feelings change and evolve over time. Also, if Keith doesn't get the VR, will you be able to go on with him or would you habor resentment?

 

You two are at a cross road in life. I wish you all the best in making the right decision for the both of you.

I truly agree with the quote.  I'm reading these post and I'm just blown away. I have a daughter who is 10. My husband is not her biological father. We have been together 9 years now and have tried to concieve natrually. We did the just relax and took advice.

 

But let me tell you. When we went to the dr's. I was dx with PCOS and Hubby was dx with very low sperm count. We did rounds and rounds of medicated provera, clomid, Repronex: it was the toughest thing we ever did. Now the insurance wouldn't cover injectables so we were paying for those out of pocket. It does get very expensive. Then we moved on to IUI's insurance didn't cover IVF. The emotional roller coaster that your on because of the drug's. The hopes that it's going to happen and then the let down with the call. It's physically and emotionally draining. We rode the roller coaster till we were looked in the face and told that our only option was donor sperm. Did we think about adoption yes, did we think about donor yes. But there comes a point in your life when you finally deciede enough is enough. The one women on the show isn't there yet. Me and my husband almost ended in divorce because of the toll it took on him and me. Your life isn't your own your life revolves around dr's. appointments, procedures you  put your life on hold. I wanted to have my husband's child. and I don't feel that makes me one bit selfish. I know there are children out there that need to be adopted and so does he. But why shouldn't we try having one our way first. It's not like adoption was  a second choice because it wasn't but we wanted to do everything we could so we didn't look back and say oh maybe we should have done this or that. We wanted no regrets.

 

We have tried to do foster care and adoption.. Now we took all the classes and were 1 paper away from being certified when they tell us our water is no good and to get it up to standards it's going to cost us 5000-8000. Well I know we don't have that just laying around so we tried all we could and did everything in our power to come up with that money but at last we ended up not getting certified.

 

we also looked into adopton.. I know where we live a private adoption is going to cost us about 10,000 plus dollars to do that. This option wasn't feasible for us. But we can look back and say we have no regrets that we did everything in our power and be at peace with the decisions we have made. Whether anyone else agrees with our decision or not. We have to live with it.

 

The way I see it until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes who are we to judge the decisions they have made.

 You are correct in reasons why people harrass those who have no children. I agree one reason is jealousy - jealous because they wish they had had the courage to say no to children, that they really did not want to be a parent. The other reason is culture says you are suppose to grow up, get married, have children and grandchildren. That is why I say it takes honesty and courage.

Honesty with yourself (this is hard for all of us) ,and spouse if you have one, to say I do not want to be a parent.. This could be due to not liking children, not wanting to bring one into the world as it is, doesn't fit the dreams and goals for your life, etc. Honesty that you do not need a child to feel complete or whole.

Courage to tell family and friends your choice. Courage to stand up for your beliefs despite harrassment.

We have moved around a lot and are now fulltime RVers. We meet a lot of people and many are childless. Some are not by choice and the others choose not to have them. I have known people who are so incredibly into themselves that they should have never had children. We all know the type - they have no time for them, they are in the way, etc. They get pregnant when a just looks at them. My daughter is an example of someone who should never have had children. She is immature and a lot of emotional problems. She is raising only one - her 1 year old. After giving up child #3 for adoption, she left her two oldest to move cross country chasing after a guy she 'fell in love with on the internet'. She had child #4 then left him due to abuse and him not wanting the responsibility of a child. Six months later she is back in the same situation. This scenerio is repeated around the world.

The women who will do anything that is medically needed to get pregnant are those that really want a child and all the responsibility that go with it. They are the ones that really want to be parents.

Those who choose not to have children suffer a lot of the same things as the women who will do anything to have one. We all get harrassed by society for our choices.

Anyway, those we have met who choose to be childless have full lives. They are happy with their choice. Do they regret in their senior years not having children/grandchildren? Some do but not to the point of wishing they had had children. Over the years they filled any need to be with children with nieces, nephews, cousins, siblings, and friends children. Some even volunteer working with children.

Myth: because someone chooses not to have children does not mean they do not like them. Not true. Many we know love children, just not 24/7, 365 days a year.

As I said - not all people are parent material for various reasons. People do need to respect and not harrass you for your honesty. There are many other ways besides children to feel complete and fulfilled. That is why we live in America - freedom of choice.

Thank you.

I am a 26 year old woman that has tried getting pregnant for 5 years... I was told i had pcod..  My hubby and I thought we would do foster care in hopes of adopting.  It has its great rewards if you can let go when that child goes back home.  My very first placement was a newborn.  I picked her up at the hospital when she was 3 days old... I thank God everyday for her.  about a week after i got her i was called about a little boy...  We fell in love with him...  I thought this was Gods way of giving me my family that i dreamed of since i was just a little girl...  we where becoming that family we always wanted.  You know the family that you are so jealous of  b/c you would see them at parks laughing and playing.   6 months later he was taken,  It broke me so bad, i layed in bed and cried for weeks cause not only did i have my dreams stolen away due to the pcod.  but now i had to give up a piece of my heart too.  So yeah foster care is a good thing..  I got the pleasure of being a  mom to that precious little guy for 6 great months....  but you need to think of how it will make you feel when that child goes home...  Some may be a lot stronger than me.. I just felt like i had my dreams in my hand and it slipped right out.   If it wasnt for the baby girl i have I would have given up on life when they took him back. 

 You need to understand why Europe makes it possible for free and may even pay for couples to have babies - their birth rate is below the death rate. This means they have negative growth rate. May sound good to those who are for zero population but when you have a country that looks to the younger ones to work and support the elderly, you need population growth. I hear China has a similar problem. Their citizens are more interested in careers than family so the government is offering big bonus's for those who have children.

As for Canada, socialized medicine may sound great - and it is for routine care. But for those needing surgery it is not. Just talk to all the of Canadians that come to the US for surgery that they would have to wait a year or longer in Canada. Many would even die if they had to wait. In fact, they do die in Canada waiting for life saving surgery.

I am one of the millions of un-insured in America. I would love to have insurance, especially at my age (55). But I do not want socialized medicine even if that is the only way I could get insurance. This country just needs an overhaul of its medical care and insurance.

Thank you for your thoughtfulness.  Your story touched me. 

 

I wonder about people who say hurtful things (such as you being told our only purpose is to reproduce).  Someone once told me that 'a house without children is a dead house.'  She knew I was unable to have children when she made the comment.  One of my husband's aunts told me I was not a real woman.  After hearing these kinds of comments for a time you start believing it is true. 

 

Anyway, God bless you and your husband.  I hope you are successful in your adoption efforts.  It is wonderful that you are supportive of each other.

I am a mother. My only daughter was born in October, l963. Growing up she seemed to develop in to a very normal young woman. However, at a very young age, our family doctor prescribed birth control pills to alleviate the sporadic menstrual periods she experienced. From age 15 on she was on this regimen. She married in l987and continued taking the pill for 2 yrs as they wanted to wait before starting a family. When they made their decision, she discontinued the birth control pills. Her menstrual periods stopped completely. After a few months, they started back. Their attempts to start a family were unsuccessful. So they contacted a fertility doctor. Over a period of several years, many dollars spent on drugs and treatments, they decided it was not meant for them to be parents for whatever reason. They decided that if it was meant to be it would happen naturally. But it didn't. The reason I am writing this is make people aware of something many doctors neglect to tell patients about the risks of these treatments. Or if they are told, they pay no mind to. My daughter passed away very suddenly in November, 2000 at the age of 37 from a very rare blood disease called TTP(thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura). This disease is an auto-immune disorder that causes a person's red blood cells to deteriorate as they are attacked by their own bodies, lessening the oxygen carrying ability of the blood to the major organs. In all of the reading I have done on this condition, it is treatable though not a pleasant ride, and one of the major factors leading to this disease is hormone therapy. The symptoms are flu-like aches, fever, lethargic. Without serious blood work, it would probably go undetected as my daughters did until it was too late. It is treatable if caught early enough, with blood transfers, steroids, and chemo. However, depending on how soon a diagnosis is made, the damage to organs is sometimes irreversible and the treatment is not a pleasant experience. Quality of life is definitely not what one would want.  I always shudder and become very concerned when I see programs such as this. I know the dangers and loss I have gone through because of this very reason. I strongly believe there are just some things that should be left to fate or God's will. No amount of medical technology can take care of everything. It's just not meant to be. And believe me, if I could go back in time, I would advise my daughter to accept her life as it was given to her. There are many things worse than being childless.

 I am not real sure you or  anyone who wants a baby as desperately as these woman do, could understand, unless you have been there.  I went thru infertility treatments with my ex-husband.  We were married for 7 years and for 5 of those years we tried everything we could to have a baby.  I did get pregnant 3 times but could never carry a pregnancy to term. You are right you do have to have yourself in a good mental state.  But it is very difficult to be possitive when all you hear from the doctor is bad news.  You are not crazy by any means,  just a whole lot hormonal and maybe a little sad each month when again you are not pregnant.  I did re-marry a great guy and we talked about adoption from the get go.  We took classes thru the state to adopt.  But he was not ready then, he was just doing it to make me feel better,  and we almost divorced..  About 4 months after we had finished our classes, our case manager called me up one day and told me we had been selected for these  2 beautiful little girls.  They were 1 and 2 years old.  My husband only wanted one because he already had a daughter.  I had been thru a bad adoption situations with my ex-husband and I was feeling the same way again.  I really was beginning to wonder if it just was not part of gods plan for me to be a mommy.  We did not get the 2 little  girls ,  I will never forget that day in all my life.  I had to call and tell the case manager that I wanted the  girls abut my husband did not want to do it.  That was like to closest I had ever come to becomming a  mommy.  And again it did not happen.  So you see it is a very hard thing to go thru especially when all your friends are having babies all over the place.  And it seems like when your trying to get pregnant every where you go all you see are pregnant woman.  You see alot of people who do not even want children and they can get pregnant at the drop of hat.  I had tried to have a baby for 7 years with my ex-husband and did not have any luck I had severe emdometrosis and I ended up having a hystertomy when I was 26.  I am happy to tell you that god did have a plan for me to be a mommy, when I was 38 my husband and I started to talk about adoption again and I told him I had to do this!! With our without him , I love him  deeply, but I  too desperately wanted to be a mommy.  So we had a talk one night , and 3 days later he called me and he said about that adoption thing "I am ready"  I was shocked.  I had told him  I thout it would probably take at least 3 years.  we found a birth mom on line and we knew we were have a girl about 4  weeks to the day he called me and told me he was ready!!  Our daughter was born at 28 weeks weighing in at a tiny 2lbs.  6ozs. and 14 inches long.  She was in the NICU for 10 weeks.   She has mild Cerebral Palsey and uses a walker she is now 6 yrs.  old and the most beautiful, smart, loving little girl.  She has been thru alot, but she takes it all in stride.  And I know god was saving her just for us.     

This show really hit home to us. We are very near the ages of the first couple on this show, and have been trying to conceive for over three years now.  I definitely understand the husbands points of view about age, his retirement, being able to do things with the child, etc.  My eyes and heart were really opened though, by Dr. Phil's and Robin's comments about their son Jordan.  I have never been able to put into words exactly how I felt about another child, but Dr. Phil's 'scale' of 1-10 helped me understand better how I felt, and also helped my wife understand.  I'm not pretending to understand all the feelings my wife is going through, but I do accept them, and want her to be happy. 

 

I do wonder, though, why adoption was not brought up as an alternative? Perhaps this could be addressed on another show, as a related but separate issue.