Quote From: anonimouse
"As we respect your choice to not have children, please respect our choice to have children no matter what it takes."
You sound like a very tolerant and kind person, so what you may not realize is that those of us who do not want children are HARRASSED constantly about our decision, not only by family ("so what if you won a Nobel prize, when are you going to do your real duty of making us grandparents?") but even more so, by complete strangers!
I simply can't understand the motive for strangers to badger women (and our husbands) into having children. In some cases I'm sure it's well-intentioned, if misguided. In other cases maybe it's an anti-feminist thing; a belief that women should be making babies instead of siphoning off the "men's jobs" (Or else what? The world's going to run out of children?) But my suspicion is that a lot of the harrassers deep down did not want to have children, but did it anyway because they felt it was expected of them -- and now they see other women living full, peaceful, and blissful lives that are centered around intellectual and artistic achievement, personal growth, and making the world a better place, rather than catering 24/7 to the ego of one small person...and it drives them crazy with resentment to think they missed the chance to make the same choice.
Just thought I should make this point, because I've seen a lot of other posts (not from you) which say ignorant things like "I can't understand anyone not wanting children, it's God's will for everyone!" and such. It's regrettable that those of us who are child-free by choice can come off as insensitive sometimes towards parents or aspiring parents, but this is a learned defense, because not everyone is as tolerant towards us as you.
I will make an effort to have more compassion for those who need to have children, regardless of how they behave towards me.
I too am childless by choice, and I would never dream of telling another woman that I didn’t understand her position---whether she was dying to have children, or to NOT have them. It is a very personal decision, and sometimes very painful.
I knew at a very young age that I did not want children. I loved my career, and I also had a total absence of “maternal instinct.” I also knew if I were to have children I would resent them for taking me away from what I really loved, and that the resentment would have been totally unfair to those innocent children. I remember feeling exactly like the author of “Eat Pray Love” where she is secretly crying on the bathroom floor every night because she is turning 30 and is now expected to get pregnant when that is the last thing on earth she wants to do. I did the same thing she did; I divorced my husband. I never intended to marry again, but three years later I met someone who said that he didn’t want children either. We had a wonderful marriage until fifteen years later, when he changed his mind and went after a woman who wasn’t too old to have children. That divorce was way more painful than the first.
Now I am married to a man who has two children. The son lived with us from age 16 until he graduated college and went out on his own. He is a great kid, but I’ve always felt more like a teacher or mentor to him than a mother. I would do anything for him, but there has never been that deeper feeling of love for him such as I have experienced with significant others or with my parents.
I never intended to be married three times. I might have only been married once if I had married a man who really wanted to be childless as well. But I still don’t regret not having children. Maybe I am just an incredibly selfish person. I don’t know. I have lots of friends and family and even acquaintances who would say otherwise. It is always difficult to be different, but for me, being true to myself has been more important.
How far would you go to be a mother? Dr. Phil's guests are women whose biological clocks are ticking time bombs, and they're willing to risk almost everything to become pregnant. When Tonya and Keith got married, they agreed not to have children. Six years later, Tonya has had a change of heart and is now obsessed with having a baby, but Keith is totally opposed to the idea. Can they reach a compromise without resenting each other, or will the baby talk end their wedded bliss? Next, Eric and Michelle have been married over a year and have been unable to conceive. Eric refuses to spend another dime on fertility treatments because he says there's no guarantee she's going to get pregnant. Michelle won't take no for an answer and has even considered going behind her husband's back and charging fertility treatments on her credit card. After talking with Dr. Phil, will Eric decide to invest in the procedures, or will Michelle put her baby dreams on hold? And, Dr. Phil fitness expert, Robert Reames, and his wife, Arminae, share their painful five-year struggle to have another baby. Talk about the show here.
