Topic : 12/07 A Killer Among Us

Women stay in abusive relationships, NOT because they are stupid, but because they feel stuck.

They believe they are stupid, because the abuser has drilled that into them.

They may have no acess to money or things they need. Many have children that they need to care for.

The shame and embarrassment is overwhelming.

Pick up and go to a shelter you say?

The abused woman says to herself," Then everybody would know."
Women dont tell because they feel judged. How many posts have you seen on this very forum calling them "stupid" for not leaving?

Women dont tell because of the stigma surrounding violence. They tell themselves he will get better. They tell themselves their story isnt as bad as the one they saw on tv. They tell themselves they brought the abuse on by the way they talked/dressed/cooked.

They buy into the "Im sorry's" that come right after being abused. They pray that this time he really is sorry and maybe this time he has found a way to control himself.

They know if they leave, they may be leaving with no car, no money, no food and no resourses for their children. The abuser may have threatened them. He will find them.......he will hurt their family........he will take their kids away.

The abused person may have sought unhealthy outlets that she felt helped her cope (drugs/alcohol) but now fears all of her mistakes will be brought into light........and she may lose her children.

Abused women DO NOT need you to judge them. They need you to help them.

Any man who feels he needs to express themselves through physical and emotional abuse to his wife, his daughter/son is a coward. If he was a real man, he would not put his hands ever on a woman. I may only be 16 Dr Phil, but I sure have an opinion on wife-beaters.

I don't care if:

- The man has a temper (Solution: Walk away)

- The man didn't like the response he got (Solution: Ignore it)

- The man thinks he can do anything with his wife

Any man who lays their hand on their woman for any of the above reasons knows the consequence to their actions. They are just bypassing them thinking that they can get away with it because they are men and i realize some women are like this, but men in some cases have more power than the women making them look intimidated.

You can say I'm just a Kid but this kid has watched the news and I have my own opinions on the world and what goes on in it.

Sincerly,

los_angeles

domestic violence has several sub categories according to the superior court of californias web site.

The sub categories are...

physical

Sexual

emotional

verbal

spiritual

financial

destructive

homophobic

immigration

Out of all of these my spouse is guilty of 6.

But in order to prosecute him he has to hit me.

This did not happen.

In fact he would never hit me because he knew that it was game over for him.

But the threats are very real.

And the crimes are very real.

I have a restraining order against him because of this but it doesnt stop him from coming to my town and it doesnt stop him from circling the school where his son is and get his attention and wave to him.

he has done so much wrong and I and my kids are victims.

We have been for 7+ years.

Nobody is doing anything about it.

I want to bring to attention that you dont necessarily have to be beaten physically to be a victim of domestic violence...nor does that make you any less of a candidate of being murdered.

If anything it makes you more of a candiadate because emotional abuse is so looked over, that the perpetrator has more freedom to do so.

The police cannot stop him from coming here even though I moved here to get away from him.

They cant do anything about him driving around the school.

You see, even though I requested it, the restraining order only protects me...and truly it is nothing more then a piece of paper.

There was a day that my spouse came to town and he drove right by where I was crossing the kids to go to school.

I grabbed the kids and made them stand behind the crossing guards truck for safety reasons and I didnt want them upset...they have been through so much.

But the look that he gave me driving by was the same look of anger that he has had so many times before.

I was so scared and today I still believe that because that crossing guard was there and had letters on her vest that spelled out police was the only reason why I am still here today.

He has threatened a drive by shooting for a long time.

And whats scarey is that he has always maintained outside the home a person against domestic violence...he wears two faces....and has said that he does.

what fianlly led to us seperating was his drug problem.

he had a set pattern of ups and downs.

For two weeks he was up and so antzy...sometimes nice to be around and others he was irritable.

Then it was the enevitabl crash...lying in the living room and sleeping all day long.

Sweating profusely, having the air set to 70 and we all froze but him, the twitching in his sleep, his muttering in his sleep.

Nobody wanted him awake.

We all walked on pins and needles because we knew that when he woke up he was vial...his words and sometimes his actions were very disturbing.

on May 7th of this year he was doing just that...well my 6 yr old wanted his bigger brother to play with him(as always) and I was trying to figure out what to do with this situation.

The older one even though it would have been a good idwea and cave and play with his smaller brother instead protested.

I was a nervous wreck trying to get the smaller ones attention and play with him myself but he wasnt having it...so he yelled because he knew that this would wake his father and he would get his way because it was disturbing his sleep.

It happened and he woke up and told my older son that if he didnt play with his brother that he would smah his face into the cement and that he would get out of prison before he got out of the hospital.

I was floored!

He went back to sleep after that and I took the kids into the back room and thats where we stayed...our safe haven.

But the back room in the apartment always hid why my spouse was screwed up...like I would always find small empty baggies with white residue and cut straws and burnt foil.

That night as we sat in the back room I had decided that this time I was looking for whatever it was that he was on and was calling the police to have him removed once and for all.

We just could not go on licing this way.

I first open the cabinent where he kept his clothes because he would always hide things like that there till he could dispose of them...andbehind a shelf I found a sandwhich bag that had white residue clear to the top.

I immediately went into shock because I knew what this meant.

I looked through all of his clothes and found nothing more but then my daughter asked my why I never looked on top of the cabinent...I told her that it was 7 foot high and didnt think to look there for one because of that and another there was a straw hat up there that didnt look like it had been moved.

But she pleaded me to look so I got a chair and moved the hat not expecting to see anything there but there was a syringe and the cap to it was sitting in a baby jar lid and off to the left of that was a straw.

I panicked...my heart was racing and there was a time lapse that I dont even remember what I said or did but my oldest daughter was on the phone with the police.

The police (who have been sent out any times here) talked to me as my spouse laid asleep on the futon in the living room.

I told them what I found and where I found it and they said well we have had cases where it was placed there. They thought that I put it there.

I was shocked that they would think that I did this.

But then again, his mother works for the police department and he used that in his defense everytime.

Anyways the police woke him up and he acted like he had no idea why they were there.

They asked him if he had drugs on him (they didnt search him) and he patted his pockets and said no.

And of course he denied everything.

I asked the police if they were going to make him leave and they said that they couldnt...because he didnt have anything on him.

I told them what he said to my son and they didnt even write it in the police report.

So I asked that they stay long enough to give me and the kids a chance to pack uo a few things and go to the shelter and thats when he said that he would leave.

So the poilice didnt take me.

That night I didnt sleep at all because I was so afraid.

The next day he was calling and wanted to talk...like hes done before but I had dealt with it for so long that I wasnt letting him back.

I kept hanging up and asked him to stop calling.

So he started coming by...banging on the door...wanting in...which I could not understand as he had the keys...and I would call the police.

Everytime they came out he used that scape goat...his mother.

He used his innocense face and made it seem like it was me.

He used the excuse that he needed something from the house.

This went on for days.

So I had finally took all of his belongings and moved them to the patio and he was informed that they were there and to retrieve them when I wasnt around.

He left a lot.

He did this so he could come back.

Then hge had his family calling trying to pry information from me.

It was horrible.

I finally moved as far away as I could get without leaving the county as he stated that I would run with the kids.

So I moved an hour and a half away to a small town.

I have been here ever since but hes now coming here and I truly believe that he has tampered with my car as it dfoesnt run anymore.

He always told me that if I left him that he would make sure that I failed...

I could write all day long about his abuse on me and the kids but it doesnt help because I was never battered.

hes done almost everything but batter me.

I live in fear.

I cant get employed becauxe I have no job because what I do requires transportation.

I am afraid that he will try and take my son.

His Nephew molested my oldest son but he will not talk out of fear.

My oldest daughter whos mentally ill moved bakc in with his family because she sees abuse as structure.

He has hit the kids.

Thrown things at the kids barely missing my daughters head with a skateboard he threw.

Hes got drug problems and he shaved his head prior to leaving because he knows that they can check his hair for it.

He has ruined two cars of mine and I believe the one I own now...I havent washed it because I want it checked for his prints or prints of someone he knows.

Hes affiliated with a gang and has driven drugs across the border for them shoved up his backside.

He is bipolar and has a host of other mental problems.

Hes known not to take his meds.

Hes addicted to pain pills.

Has a personality of Jeckle and Hyde.

I left.

I took the kids and left.

But we are not safe.

He won visitation and I cant even get his son there to see him because of my ar not running.

His mother calls here and states that she knows I cant get to the visitation center.

The judge hearing the case is bias and told him to seek legal counsel.

What am I to do?

I am living in fear.

I cant afford an attorney.

I cant get anywhere to get help as everything is in the bigger town.

And he comes through here and this scares me

What about people like me?

All I know is that the day that he came to town and gave me that look as he drove by, I was forever grateful for that crossing guard there.

I bought her coffee and a honey bun and thanked her for being there.

Or I sincerely believe that I would have been dead.

   I have been married 4 years and have a 4 year old boy.  my husband has always verbally abused me.  name-calling, shouting, fits of rage.   he is an alcoholic.  drinks around 15 beers a night.   i quit my job of 10 years in May of 2007  because i could not handle the stress of my home life and work and a child.  he has recently, in the last 6 weeks started physical abuse.  he has belly bumped me into a corner, hit me in the side of the head with his hand, and actually spit on me and my little boy .  he has told me if i ever call 911 that the police will have to scrape me up offf the floor when they get here.   his friend works for the police in our township so he always tells me he'll get out of it anyway.  i feel TRAPPED!  don't want to tell my parents.  they are older and are both going through alot of stress right now, as is my entire family because my niece is dying of bone cancer.  not sure what to do or when!

anita in ohio