Message Boards

Topic : 12/12 Christmas Chaos

Number of Replies: 144
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, December 06, 2007, 03:13:00 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
'Tis the season to be jolly, but some households are filled with more coal than candy. First up, Jose thinks Christmas is too commercialized and hates Christmas trees, lights and holiday parties. His wife, Tammy, says he’s just a cheapskate, and says one year he gave her a stuffed animal that he found in the dumpster! Can Dr. Phil get Jose to change his “bah humbug” ways? Then, since Gary's mother died, he tries to bring his father, Albert, and siblings together, but says gossip and jealousy keep them apart. His sisters, Wrajean and Cheryl, complain that Albert idolizes Gary’s wife and treats her better than his own daughters. The last time the family got together for the holidays was in 2002. Can they gather ‘round the Christmas tree this year? And, for the fourth straight year, Dr. Phil and Robin host Christmas in Washington to help celebrate the true holiday spirit! See special performances by R&B superstar Ne-Yo, country crooner Alan Jackson, pop star Katherine McPhee and High School Musical’s Vanessa Hudgens'. Christmas in Washington airs Wednesday, December 12 at 10 p.m. EST/PST exclusively on TNT! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

December 10, 2007, 10:09 am CST

12/12 Christmas Chaos

Quote From: st_tng

Merry Christmas,

 

The last time my family of origin was together was Christmas in 2000.  It was at my sister's house, even though it was my "turn," because she begged and pleaded with me that this was her "last chance" to host Christmas.  No, she wasn't terminally ill or moving out of state.  She was planning to leave her abusive husband (or so the story goes). 

 

She left him in May of 2001 and returned in September 2001 (long story).  Since then, I've been "uninvited" from their lives. 

 

In Feb. 2003 our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  I caught it early, and at this time she's still able to live alone, even though she doesn't drive any more. 

 

I arranged a family meeting with my brother, his wife, and my sister.  I let them know about Mom's situation and asked them to work with me to help take care of her.  They agreed, but did not follow through.  The following year I arranged another family meeting, this time with a trusted aunt & uncle.  My brother came, but my sister wouldn't answer her cell phone, even though she knew the time and said she'd participate.

 

I've sent letters to the family updating them on Mom's health and welfare.  My sister (or her husband) refuse and return anything from me.  My brother admits when he doesn't read them - or if he does he says he has to read it again to understand. 

 

It's been a repetitive scenario:  me asking for specific help for Mom, begging for said help, demanding it, then threatening a deadline of some sort.  Overall, only a medical emergency (Mom's been hospitalized a couple of times) or a deadline with consequences has inspired action from my siblings on Mom's behalf.

 

My brothers' two daughters have had babies - I got no invitation to either shower, no announcement, no pictures . . . exclusion.

 

Likewise, when my sister's daughter got married I wasn't invited to the shower or wedding.  My sister was the matron of honor in my wedding and her daughter was my junior bridesmaid.  Again, for me - exclusion.

 

These exclusions have hurt Mom very much, but even my description of how upset she got has not impressed the severity of this situation on them.  Mom was so angry she said she wouldn't go to these events - I talked her into going.  I even took her shopping for a gift for my sister's daughter - it was refused.  I had to take Mom shopping for an outfit for the wedding - even though the bride and her mother (my sister) had taken Grandma to the salon to see the bride's dress.

 

We've lost an aunt and an uncle this past year.  So now, it's come to the most final type of separation:  death.  Births, marriages, and even death haven't inspired any of them to work together with me as a team to help Mom.

 

You may be wondering what I've done to warrant all this.  It's hard for me to know because they won't discuss it, but I think it's because I dared to say, "NO!" (to my sister:  No - you can't use me and my family and then turn your back on us when you decide to return to the abuse; to my niece - setting boundaries of no swearing, no name-calling, no accusations and no insults) or I've forced them to DO something for Mom by threatening consequences if they didn't (to my brother - throwing things out that he had stored at Mom's house).

 

I've apologized, asked for forgiveness, offered to make whatever amends they require, suggested counseling (attempted once, but unsuccessfully) and begged and pleaded for them to work with me as a team to help take care of Mom. 

 

I've resigned myself to the fact that I have to manage Mom's health as if I were an only child. I call Mom between 6-10 times a day to remind her to eat and take her meds (which I organize in trays for her).  I schedule and take her to her doctor appointments.  I take her grocery shopping.  I make sure her bills and taxes get paid.  I've contracted for her grass to get cut because nobody in the family can do it on a regular basis.  My husband and I do the maintenance tasks for her home. 

 

My brother and his adult daughter will still talk to me, but requests to go to counseling again - of their choice - are either ignored or declined. As my niece put it just today:  "I don't believe in counseling."

 

I'm a very happily married woman with a 10-year old child.  My husband is a very supportive and understanding man:  he's been with me through all of this and hung in there.  He's encouraged me and supported me, whatever decision I've made.  We don't have any of the above issues with each other, and I don't have any of these issues with friends, neighbors, or co-workers. 

 

I had an epiphany this season: "Home for the Holidays" is now geared toward creating "home" memories for my daughter - not trying to recapture my childhood memories.

 

Well, thanks for listening.  That's the short, short version of my story.  Watch for the book in about 10-20 years. 

 

May God bless and keep you all this holiday season and always.

 

Linda D. 

 

 

 Since no one but your sister has issues with you she's the problem. And, IMO, not worth another moment's thought.
 
December 10, 2007, 10:14 am CST

12/12 Christmas Chaos

Quote From: amick01

 Myself I enjoy Christmas and so does my family.This year though I'm un employed,and so is my brother.I'm frustrated because I can't buy gifts for my family.I have a son,daughter,a grandson,3 nephews, 2 nieces, then of course other family members.And I'm broke !!! Then there's people like Jose and his wife.Him acting like Scrooge and her throwing gifts away.What's wrong with you people ! ?How can you be so ungrateful ?  Also, I think Christmas decorations are beautiful ! When kids ask for things for Christmas they're just being kids. By the way, we never forgot the true meaning of Christmas either.And yes,Jose is taking his position too far.Buy her a new one for pete's sake !
 Whatever Jose gives Tammy ought to be new. But, it also ought to be something he can afford. Dr Phil says Jose should give Tammy what she wants. Not what he wants to give her. But, what if she wants something that's so over-the-top expensive, he' have to go into debt?
 
December 10, 2007, 12:07 pm CST

12/12 Christmas Chaos

 May I say there are SOME families out there who not only should avoid Gathering around the Christmas tree, but should avoid Gathering together AT ALL.
Parties, aren't my favorite either, but I've learned a long time ago to pick and chose what parties we go to (I admit my Husband has NO INTEREST in social planning, I just tell him where and when ), his office usually has a nice sit down dinner with a couple of glasses of wine, mine end up being a big Drunk for my co- workers, needless to say we go to his and skip mine.  You shouldn't feel OBLIGATED to go to any of them.
As for getting a gift out of the DUMPSTER, I know its the thought NOT the gift, HOWEVER , I would like to think my FATHER or HUSBAND thought better of me than a DUMPSTER.  We've been down and out, and sometimes you can find nice gifts at flea markets, e-bay and second hand stores.  If you are really down and out, try the local Salvation Army or other organizations that support families in need this time of year.
I've never bought into the whole GIMME GIMME thing, my kids get ONE big gift and things from the extended family, they  KNOW their father and I at one point couldn't afford it, BUT even now that we can, we don't belive that "THINGS" make up for the time spent as a family, can someone explain though why it seems this is the only time of year "Family Time" is important ? I would say to parents who are workaholics or whatever, "THINGS" at Christmas do NOT make up for a year of neglect.  I'm NOT saying all WORKING Parents are like this (I am one of them and my kids have NEVER been neglected), I've seen Neglectful SHM's.
 
December 11, 2007, 9:53 am CST

Wacky

I have never though Christmas was too commercial by a long shot especially if you have children envolved. trre lights and such look pretty to me. Plus I feel it's a time to get together and celebrate Jesus's birthday for those who believe in him. Now as for as the Jose guy goes come on getting her something out of the trash is messed up! I tell my husband if he can't afford nothing then it's ok. But if I do get something I am easy to shop for. He don't have to go overboard for me.
 
December 11, 2007, 12:02 pm CST

Christmas

 Well this is the first year I am alone on Christmas. It is not fun. I got divorced this year. Live alone. Family, news: I have one daughter, my father has not talked to me in 25 years, Mother is not talking to me. I have 7 brothers and sisters. I am the black sheep. They all live back east and I am out here in the west. 3000 miles between us. My sister recently whom is the only one living out west here whom i have not talked to in years, came together due to surgery, I did everything, drive her, send cell pic's, text's to her children, Did call the whole family for her own my cell. Then Mom came out said FU on my couch to me. Didn't look back walking down the plane plank, which is rare. Then picked up the next one coming in for my sister, her daughter, Well when my sister got staff infection due to her daughter changing her baby on the bed, same bed I told my neice to not do that this would happen and it did. Now I am out in the cold. Family doesn't talk to me. Mom's mad, sister lives like her daughter did nothing, I am out in the cold. So bah Hum Bug to ya all.
 
December 11, 2007, 1:41 pm CST

Family and holidays

My family has gone through some rough times in the last few yrs.

I can't understand why my husband can't get through it and go on.

Our daughter had just divoriced her husband of 9 yrs and he shot himself in the head while on the phone with her in 2000.

You can imagine what that has done to us all cause we loved him like he was our own son. They have 2 children now 15 and 11.

She has remarried  and my husband, her daddy does not want to be in the same room with the new husband. It has really hurt all of our family members. We have always gotten together with  for all holidays and now he will not go and it puts me in the middle and hurts my daughter and the children. They all want their grand father with them.

I don't know what to do about this it justs makes me hate holidays.

This yr we are to go to our daughters house and he will not go because the son in law will be there. At Thanksgiving he went cause the son in law worked and was not there.

THis is so unfair to all of us ...What can I do to get him through this and be a part of the family get togethers

and accept the son in law. They have been married 5 yrs now and I think he should get over it.

Thanks

 

 
December 11, 2007, 2:05 pm CST

A Holy Day

Christmas is a very special Christian Holiday (Holy Day). It is meant to celebrate the birth of Christ, least we forget. We shouldn't over due it with the material things of course, but we can't over do it with, joy and celebration. Christmas is just like driving a car, some use it for the wrong purposes, but that doesn't mean we all have to stop driving.  By the way if you bless a few children or family's along the way that's OK to. Have a truly Merry Christmas, and the very best of Happy Holidays.

 
December 11, 2007, 8:41 pm CST

Grow Up

Quote From: kitten0251

My family has gone through some rough times in the last few yrs.

I can't understand why my husband can't get through it and go on.

Our daughter had just divoriced her husband of 9 yrs and he shot himself in the head while on the phone with her in 2000.

You can imagine what that has done to us all cause we loved him like he was our own son. They have 2 children now 15 and 11.

She has remarried  and my husband, her daddy does not want to be in the same room with the new husband. It has really hurt all of our family members. We have always gotten together with  for all holidays and now he will not go and it puts me in the middle and hurts my daughter and the children. They all want their grand father with them.

I don't know what to do about this it justs makes me hate holidays.

This yr we are to go to our daughters house and he will not go because the son in law will be there. At Thanksgiving he went cause the son in law worked and was not there.

THis is so unfair to all of us ...What can I do to get him through this and be a part of the family get togethers

and accept the son in law. They have been married 5 yrs now and I think he should get over it.

Thanks

 

Look I don't have it good either as you can see. Tell him to grow up for me cause he is causing undo stress over this. Her new Husband had nothing to do with the previous. Tell him If I had a chance to change something and was invited I would try. If he does and it doesn't go well then he can say No but until then, stand up, be a man, accept the new son in law it's been 5 years. Look what you are doing to your family. We live and we die what we do with the dash in the middle is what we have. Use that dash as I will to. I must get over my lifes trama's to.  I nor your husband have a right to ruin it for the rest, Please show your daughter some respect and enjoy the holiday while you have a chance. Please, your family needs you. This man has raised your two grandkids as if he were his own. Give him a chance. Nothing will bring the one who took his own life, what a waste, but you my man are paying everyday for it. Did you do it. DOn't know what brings people to do that. You will see him again, Enjoy your life today with your daughter, wife, grandkids and the new hubby as well. The one whom caused this would like you to support his wife an he himself would want her to be happy even though he was not. Just like you are making your family. I know it's hard but TRY we don't know how much longer we have left. Is that your legacy you want to leave your family??? Don't be in the middle Mom leave him to be alone and go without him if that is how he chooses to live. He could see the kids an maybe see the father thru them. Let him be. You go yourself, Grandpa is sick. It's true. Your dash dude. Grandkids will remember this.
 
December 12, 2007, 3:23 am CST

Bah hum bug????

Quote From: sundeigo

 Well this is the first year I am alone on Christmas. It is not fun. I got divorced this year. Live alone. Family, news: I have one daughter, my father has not talked to me in 25 years, Mother is not talking to me. I have 7 brothers and sisters. I am the black sheep. They all live back east and I am out here in the west. 3000 miles between us. My sister recently whom is the only one living out west here whom i have not talked to in years, came together due to surgery, I did everything, drive her, send cell pic's, text's to her children, Did call the whole family for her own my cell. Then Mom came out said FU on my couch to me. Didn't look back walking down the plane plank, which is rare. Then picked up the next one coming in for my sister, her daughter, Well when my sister got staff infection due to her daughter changing her baby on the bed, same bed I told my neice to not do that this would happen and it did. Now I am out in the cold. Family doesn't talk to me. Mom's mad, sister lives like her daughter did nothing, I am out in the cold. So bah Hum Bug to ya all.
You know what you did, God knows what you did. If the family doesn't know that's OK. Maybe you can spend the day with those less fortunate. Soup kitchen, hospital, or an orphanage. They don't have family, so maybe you can be there for them......just a thought. And if your family wants to know where you were, then you can say, just making someone happy  for the day. Rewards may not be now, but some day God will reward you..........that's what counts......
 
December 12, 2007, 7:26 am CST

12/12 Christmas Chaos

Quote From: kitten0251

My family has gone through some rough times in the last few yrs.

I can't understand why my husband can't get through it and go on.

Our daughter had just divoriced her husband of 9 yrs and he shot himself in the head while on the phone with her in 2000.

You can imagine what that has done to us all cause we loved him like he was our own son. They have 2 children now 15 and 11.

She has remarried  and my husband, her daddy does not want to be in the same room with the new husband. It has really hurt all of our family members. We have always gotten together with  for all holidays and now he will not go and it puts me in the middle and hurts my daughter and the children. They all want their grand father with them.

I don't know what to do about this it justs makes me hate holidays.

This yr we are to go to our daughters house and he will not go because the son in law will be there. At Thanksgiving he went cause the son in law worked and was not there.

THis is so unfair to all of us ...What can I do to get him through this and be a part of the family get togethers

and accept the son in law. They have been married 5 yrs now and I think he should get over it.

Thanks

 

 

    After 5 years, your husband has a bad habit.  He isn't likely to change it.  He doesn't want to.  I think the last thing you should do is worry about his bad habits.  If he wants to stay home and pout--let him.  Go to your daughter's house and have a good time, anyway.  (You would probably have more fun without him)

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Next | Last