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Topic : 03/28 When to Call it Quits

Number of Replies: 203
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Created on : Friday, January 04, 2008, 02:09:07 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 01/09/08) For most couples their home is a peaceful, loving sanctuary away from the outside world. But for Dr. Phil's guests, this couldn't be further from the truth. Jennie and Jeremy's house has turned into a battlefield, where they fight three to five times a day. They have been married for eight years and the only way for them to remain together is by living apart. The arguments have turned so ugly, Jeremy has called the police, and Jennie was arrested for domestic abuse. Why does Jeremy say he fears leaving Jennie home alone with the kids? The Dr. Phil show installed cameras in their home, but why didn't they capture any of the yelling, screaming and cursing? Then, hear Jennie's sisters' emotional pleas, and find out the one thing that Jeremy and Jennie's family can agree on. And, how are the kids affected by the swearing and anger in their home? Is there hope for this family, or should they head to court and finish their divorce proceedings? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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January 6, 2008, 8:56 am CST

Been there done that

I have been in the couples shoes.  I was married for twenty years.  I fell in love with my ex because he gave me attention, spoiled me and seemed to have a lot of money.  I was a dependent women at the time and thought this man could give me the support I needed.  He gave me lots of promises about building a house, about having nice cars and being a great family.

Well to make a story short.  His parents passed away after we had been married seven years.  My happy life really went down the tubes.  We did get a chance to buy our first home.  Not one that he promised me,but a fixer upper.  Well a year after being in that home, we went bankrupt a second time.  The first time was due to a miscarriage that was more expensive than if the baby had been born.  After the second bankrupt issue things really started to go down hill.  I noticed we were fighting more.  The children were even bickering back and forth and the two of us never seemed happy.  We did try to pacify our feelings.  I ended up getting my A.A.S in Early Childhood and thought I might be able to help with finances.  Well I got into a job I loved then there was issues with my son.  He was very tiny for seventh grade and there was another child who wanted to beat him up.  I asked my ex if he would be able to leave work long enough to get my son home from school instead of having him walk home.  My ex told me that his job was more important than mine that if I want that done I have to leave my job.  I tried that for awhile.  Well my job was suffering.  I was having a lot of customer service calls that I could not keep up on.  Truckers load list were getting out of hand and I was just getting over loaded, so I had to leave my wonderful job to take care of the issues with my son.  Well after that I was told it was my fault that we had no money.  I tried to babysit in my home.  Well that did not pan out either.  I ended up having unexpected surgery.  Well when you do daycare something like that makes you lose all your clients.  Well I moved onto another job.  The job was 24 miles one way from my home.  I was doing real good even got promoted and after two years things went down hill with the job.  My ex continued to blame me for all the problems.  I held all this in which caused a nervous break down.  I ended up being divorced over the nervous break down.

What I am saying with all of this, is I had all the feelings inside that our marriage was over after his parents died because my ex totally changed and became very mean that I wanted out ,but felt I had to stay because he was what I chose.  That is why the nervous break down happened.  I no longer will stay in something if I don't feel things are right.  I blamed myself for everything because that was what I was being told.

My plea to women don't think you have to stay in a marriage just because you choose it.

 
January 6, 2008, 10:21 am CST

01/09 When to Call it Quits

Quote From: sharwinton

Yes I want to speak out, this really upsets me.  I have been writing and emailing for over 5 years now for help from Dr. Phil with my marriage etc.  And I get this email with this weeks up dates and my story is just as bad as this couples.  Only I've been trying to get help from Dr Phil for a long time how long did it take this couple to get your attention?  What do I have to do to get help too?  I am pasting my letter again and the world can read it and then hopefully someone at the Dr. Phil show will finally notice me.  I've been married 15 1/2 years this month.  My husband was arrested 5 years ago this month for domestic violence and my Dad was dying at the time.  What is it that I am doing wrong that no one wants to help us.  We can't pay our bills.  I just had my 45th and 46th surgeries on Sept 20th, 2007 and I can't afford to lose my SS Disability.    If you ask me to be honest this type of marriage and life isn't worth it.  Move on and get out but it's not that easy and that's why this couple is getting your help and why I've been trying to get help for so long now.  Maybe this posting will get your attention! Finally.  I pray daily to hear from you.  This page will not allow me to paste my letter on here, Dr. Phil and staff email me at sharwinton6364@aol.com and please help us like you are this couple PLEASE!!!!!  Thanks I'll just keep praying.  Shari

 

 

 

Hi sweetie, I bet you they get 1000's of letters like your a week and in their area.. of course i do not know for sure and I am guessing. I do not think they are disrespecting you at all though*

 

1.I would suggest that you call a woman's shelter.

2.meet with someone at your local department of Social services and apply for low income housing

3.see a social worker or have one assigned to you ASAP or an Ombudsman; you need someone to be your advocate

4. the state can help you get an attorney

5. Do NOT tell your husband what you are doing as they get antsy and no one wants you to get harmed at all!

6. you should be covered for :

food stamps

Medicaid

shelter

and low cost phone service

low cost electric payment with-in the area you live [ sometimes ]

Have an advocate help you with these things

 

Food banks will help you and 

you can always go to your local church you attend and ask for help usually

get counseling from your local community health center. They go by your income.. YOURS. You are on

disability and you need to get away . No man has a right to ever hit you, slap you. GET AWAY!

 
January 6, 2008, 11:04 pm CST

not love

 i am in the process of divorce, my marriage was similiar to yours. my x was all about taking, he put on a great act in public, but at home behind closed doors it was a very different story. in my previous marriage, my husband and i were really in love, he passed away in 1997. the type of marriage this gal has is not love and no amount of work can change that. the harder i tried in my recent marriage the worse it got. nothing i could do was right or ever good enough. the mental and physical abuse he put me through was awful. he took so much from me. not only financially, but also mentally and spiritually. due to him i will now spend the rest of my life alone, but that is just how it is. i will never be able to ever trust another man. it just will never happen. but there are worse things than being alone. at least i'm not getting yelled at, and degraded every day. if you think it will get better, quitn lying to yourself, it won't. even if it should get tolerable, will you ever be able to trust and respect him after treating you with such disrespect. we, as women, just have to know that these men exist, and hope and pray we never meet another one like this. if you want to leave there are people who will help you and you have to reach out and let them help you. I did and it was the best thing i ever did. they gave me the strength and understanding and i could have never done it on my own. my husband had beaten me down so much it was terrible. if you want to stay that is up to you, but why would you even want to stay with someone who loves you so little. life is just to short. i may be alone now, i am also a very sick woman,  financially i am barely making it, so what, it is still better than being mistreated. sometimes i can barely afford my medicine. but you know what i have more peace of mind now. my life is quiet, no yelling. the choice is yours just know you don't have to live this way.
 
January 7, 2008, 10:12 am CST

My thoughts

I think the marriage should be over when the other spouse crosses the line. Yelling and screaming is one thing but physical violence is another thing. My mom's last marriage was a bad one. her husband manipulated her into doing things he wanted her to do. Plus she let him get away with beating his kids and me and my brother from her previous marriages. She would lie and cover for him. Finally I warned her if the violence didn't stop I was going to make sure she lost the kids still living in her home after he'd kicked me my husband and our daughter out. She didn't wake up to his flaws til she was nearly dead from cancer. She apologized to me before she died about all the heck I went through. I think he threatened her if she didn't let him do as he wanted to is why she never stopped him. I had to fight him back when I was a teen. My dad told her if he kept it up he was going to prosicute. That plus my actions made it stop on me. My brother's dad also did the same. The younger 2 had to deal with the abuse. Now my brother is in middle school so far no bad affects are seem on him but my sister is a different story. She broke up a married guy's marriage! People if there is abuse going on with you or with the kids get! No amount of money or anything is worth it.
 
January 7, 2008, 1:12 pm CST

Jenny and Jeremy

I know Jenny and Jeremy and would just like to say how sorry I am for the way things are for them right now. I met them at a time when I think things were ok for them, they seemed happy anyway, and it's hard to see them now. We moved away about a year ago and I had no idea things were so rough at their house. I only can say that we are praying for you and hope that you can come to some kind of resolution, for your kids, but also for the two of you.
 
January 8, 2008, 8:39 am CST

Best Interest of the children....

Quote From: imcas22wife

I agree with out watching or even listening to them is the childern here..... i was in a marriage like that and i learned the hard way the childern were the most effected ....... if u cant get along the best thing is to divorce before u get those in some serious mental state due to the fighting agruing and all ........... this is about the childern not urselves at this point.......... kids do what the parents do because we are their role models and if u want to work on the marriage ....... start over with dating and find what and why u 2 fell in love with one another........ just remmeber u are mentally scaring the kids

Just as they should have been better prepared for the marriage - its time to prepare for the divorce.  Get it done.  If the children continue to live like this, the cycle will repeat itself when they are old enough and decide they want  to marry.  Tramatic experiences play on who they are from the time the event occurs into adulthood.

When it gets to this level I believe it is time for a divorce, and automatic court appointed lawyers for the children. Counselors should be appointed for the children as well and along the way I believe a full family investigation should be done, not limited to the immediate family prior to any legal finalization. 

Children get caught in the middle and emotional states of the some parents and individuals involved are not healthy enough to raise these children at these times.  They are so caught up in their own emotions or fear of "loosing" the battle, they only consider the children as bargaining chips along the way.  The courts don't have time for he said she said later on - so plan it (the divorce) well or the children will continue to needlessly suffer. 

Remember, children are not pawns on a chess board - don't use them like they are - you only loose in the end and sadly, so do they. 

 
January 8, 2008, 1:56 pm CST

Go to the source

Quote From: beckyjune

I know Jenny and Jeremy and would just like to say how sorry I am for the way things are for them right now. I met them at a time when I think things were ok for them, they seemed happy anyway, and it's hard to see them now. We moved away about a year ago and I had no idea things were so rough at their house. I only can say that we are praying for you and hope that you can come to some kind of resolution, for your kids, but also for the two of you.

  Considering this show hasn't even aired yet, and since you know them.  I would suggest calling one of them and getting the story from the source.  I am sure they still would appreciate your prayers though.

 

 
January 9, 2008, 5:42 am CST

it's scary

i used to live with a man who was violent.he has beat me against a wall,straddled me on the bed and beat me in the face.so i know about violence.once it starts, get out.ignore the lies of "it won't happen again."if you have kids and really love them,get out for them if not you.
 
January 9, 2008, 5:44 am CST

resources

Quote From: shawnylou

Hi sweetie, I bet you they get 1000's of letters like your a week and in their area.. of course i do not know for sure and I am guessing. I do not think they are disrespecting you at all though*

 

1.I would suggest that you call a woman's shelter.

2.meet with someone at your local department of Social services and apply for low income housing

3.see a social worker or have one assigned to you ASAP or an Ombudsman; you need someone to be your advocate

4. the state can help you get an attorney

5. Do NOT tell your husband what you are doing as they get antsy and no one wants you to get harmed at all!

6. you should be covered for :

food stamps

Medicaid

shelter

and low cost phone service

low cost electric payment with-in the area you live [ sometimes

Have an advocate help you with these things

 

Food banks will help you and 

you can always go to your local church you attend and ask for help usually

get counseling from your local community health center. They go by your income.. YOURS. You are on

disability and you need to get away . No man has a right to ever hit you, slap you. GET AWAY!

also united way and any womens' shelters.the police have a list of the shelters.
 
January 9, 2008, 7:12 am CST

Eating disorder and mental stability

I have struggled for 23 years with an eating disorder. I am currently in recovery, thanks in part to my wonderful and supportive husband who refused to sit back and let me destroy myself. I met him when I was 20 years old, with a baby. I would starve myself and walk every where. He would take me out to a fabulous dinner, and I would barf it up the second I got home. I was an unstable wreck. When I got upset, which was often, I would cry hysterically and vomit. I was irrational, and not a very good mother to my baby.  I never connected not eating, with being a hysterical crying puking maniac. My husband, who was very poor as a child, and never fed well, connects every problem with not eating enough! If you don't feel well, eat! If you're crabby, eat! LOL. What a mix. An anorexic/bulemic with a foodie! But it worked for me. I began eating dinner every night. Then I started eating lunch and dinner both. At this point, at 35 years of age, I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, and some healthy snacks. Although i'm still never sure of what I look like, (because when I was a size 2 I thought I was fat), i'm now a size 12 and happier than I have ever been. I eat right, and exercise a few days a week and that's enough for me. Give up the control that the eating disorder sucks away from you! Look outward, instead of focusing inward all the time. You are not the whole world! Also, what ever needs you had as a child, that were not met, once you have your own children, give it up! Accept the fact that your childhood is over, you will never get that time back, and it's up to you to completely dedicate yourself to your own children. Give them the life you wish you had every single day!
 
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