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Topic : 03/28 When to Call it Quits

Number of Replies: 203
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Created on : Friday, January 04, 2008, 02:09:07 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 01/09/08) For most couples their home is a peaceful, loving sanctuary away from the outside world. But for Dr. Phil's guests, this couldn't be further from the truth. Jennie and Jeremy's house has turned into a battlefield, where they fight three to five times a day. They have been married for eight years and the only way for them to remain together is by living apart. The arguments have turned so ugly, Jeremy has called the police, and Jennie was arrested for domestic abuse. Why does Jeremy say he fears leaving Jennie home alone with the kids? The Dr. Phil show installed cameras in their home, but why didn't they capture any of the yelling, screaming and cursing? Then, hear Jennie's sisters' emotional pleas, and find out the one thing that Jeremy and Jennie's family can agree on. And, how are the kids affected by the swearing and anger in their home? Is there hope for this family, or should they head to court and finish their divorce proceedings? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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January 9, 2008, 7:18 am CST

And we WONDER why everyone's divorcing???

What a GIFT parents give their children by yelling and screaming. Isn't that enough? Men and women nowadays change boyfriends, girlfriends, wives and husbands like Hollywood changes the fashions!

 

Kids are the victims and then they become adult victims....unable to committ, unable to keep a marriage going when they DO committ, unable to handle the ups and downs of life without tossing in the towel, etc.

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The adults are ABLE to change, if they want to...if they care. The children are the only victims here. They can't divorce their parents. And their parents are their pathetic ROLE MODELS.

 

I was once those kids and was estranged from my father for almost 3 decades. Four years before he died I was able to "forgive." I was with him when he died. It took ALL THOSE DECADES for me to deal with the verbal abuse (and fighting) I was exposed to as a child. Luckily, I married well and VOWED not to make the mistakes of my mother. My sister was not so fortunate....choosing the same type of man my father was.

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Parents OWE their children. Children have the RIGHT to feel safe, secure and loved in their own home. Family members and then the courts should intervene if this is not the case.

 

SHAME on the parents, but thankfully they are apparently getting help for THEIR problems....

 
January 9, 2008, 7:25 am CST

Adults need to GROW UP

Quote From: princessgina

I think the marriage should be over when the other spouse crosses the line. Yelling and screaming is one thing but physical violence is another thing. My mom's last marriage was a bad one. her husband manipulated her into doing things he wanted her to do. Plus she let him get away with beating his kids and me and my brother from her previous marriages. She would lie and cover for him. Finally I warned her if the violence didn't stop I was going to make sure she lost the kids still living in her home after he'd kicked me my husband and our daughter out. She didn't wake up to his flaws til she was nearly dead from cancer. She apologized to me before she died about all the heck I went through. I think he threatened her if she didn't let him do as he wanted to is why she never stopped him. I had to fight him back when I was a teen. My dad told her if he kept it up he was going to prosicute. That plus my actions made it stop on me. My brother's dad also did the same. The younger 2 had to deal with the abuse. Now my brother is in middle school so far no bad affects are seem on him but my sister is a different story. She broke up a married guy's marriage! People if there is abuse going on with you or with the kids get! No amount of money or anything is worth it.

If marriages ended EVERY time someone crossed the line VERBALLY, there would be no marriages. Taking vows before God HOPEFULLY means more than that to people. As Dr. Phil always says, you don't leave a marriage if and until you've tried everything to save it. Simply walking away when things get bad is NOT what mature, responsible, committed adults (should) do. They get help for their problems, either in marriage counseling or in solo counseling if the spouse won't attend.

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I'm sorry, but what you describe is more problems than just a controlling spouse. The fact that you make reference to more than one marriage and more than one father for her children may be a big part of the problem. But perhaps this explains your willingness to dump a marriage at the first sign of trouble.

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Again, it is the CHILDREN who suffer. Not that this is YOUR situation, but kids of mothers and fathers who don't work on their marriages, don't care about committment and don't even attempt to follow the teachings of Christ grow up to not be able to manage their own marriages (not all, but many). Sadly, the kids learn from their parents, and when parents make BIG mistakes when it comes to love, sex, marriage and committment, the kid tend to repeat those mistakes....

 
January 9, 2008, 8:27 am CST

It's not just one person...

I just got done watching today's show on Jenny and Jeremy, and became quite angry at some aspects of the show. First off, I'm a 24 year old wife and mother of 2 little girls. It was a little scary watching the show because it reminded me of where my husband and I were a year and a half ago. Although I realize how traumatic and horrible this can be for the children involved, it is just as detrimental to the couple. My heart went out to Jenny, and I know this may surprise some people. I remembered that I was just like her. I had a lot of negative energy and anger built up and would blow up at points in my relationship when it was unnecessary. I felt bad for her when I was watching the show, because it seemed that everyone was attacking her-even her own family! I don't feel anyone is in a place to judge except for the Lord, and all the people on this show were passing judgements left and right. It sickened me to see Jeremy acting as if he was innocent or that everything he did was justifiable because of his wife's actions. There is no excuse for either of them. They have both played a role in getting their relationship to this point, and fingers need to stop being pointed. I would have reacted the same way if I was Jenny...I felt they were bringing her down in every way they could and only acknowledged and illuminated her mistakes and bad behaviors. At a few points Dr.Phil addressed his concerns with Jeremy, but somehow, it always came back to Jenny, as if it was somehow her fault. I think the husband needs to stand up and take some responsibility for his failing marriage too. Fortunately, I am a prime example of how a relationship like this can still work out. My husband and I were going through divorce proceedings, but since have completely dropped our case and are a much happier, healthier couple. In fact, for the first time in our 5 year marriage we're doing things the right way. We're compromising, the violence and negativity is no longer present, and we're being the best parents we can be to our two little girls and have another baby girl on the way. I pray for this couple. I pray that they can come together, stop blaming, and grow up and figure out the issues that have brought them to this point. They will remain in my prayers!
 
January 9, 2008, 8:34 am CST

You are both beautiful

I watched the show today and you are both beautiful people !!!!!!!!! 

But your children are the victums.  They need love and secuirty.

You need to do what you have to- to protect your kids mentally,emotionally,

physically, spiritually and socially.

 
January 9, 2008, 8:44 am CST

A kindred spirit!

Quote From: mom42_1963

I have been in the couples shoes.  I was married for twenty years.  I fell in love with my ex because he gave me attention, spoiled me and seemed to have a lot of money.  I was a dependent women at the time and thought this man could give me the support I needed.  He gave me lots of promises about building a house, about having nice cars and being a great family.

Well to make a story short.  His parents passed away after we had been married seven years.  My happy life really went down the tubes.  We did get a chance to buy our first home.  Not one that he promised me,but a fixer upper.  Well a year after being in that home, we went bankrupt a second time.  The first time was due to a miscarriage that was more expensive than if the baby had been born.  After the second bankrupt issue things really started to go down hill.  I noticed we were fighting more.  The children were even bickering back and forth and the two of us never seemed happy.  We did try to pacify our feelings.  I ended up getting my A.A.S in Early Childhood and thought I might be able to help with finances.  Well I got into a job I loved then there was issues with my son.  He was very tiny for seventh grade and there was another child who wanted to beat him up.  I asked my ex if he would be able to leave work long enough to get my son home from school instead of having him walk home.  My ex told me that his job was more important than mine that if I want that done I have to leave my job.  I tried that for awhile.  Well my job was suffering.  I was having a lot of customer service calls that I could not keep up on.  Truckers load list were getting out of hand and I was just getting over loaded, so I had to leave my wonderful job to take care of the issues with my son.  Well after that I was told it was my fault that we had no money.  I tried to babysit in my home.  Well that did not pan out either.  I ended up having unexpected surgery.  Well when you do daycare something like that makes you lose all your clients.  Well I moved onto another job.  The job was 24 miles one way from my home.  I was doing real good even got promoted and after two years things went down hill with the job.  My ex continued to blame me for all the problems.  I held all this in which caused a nervous break down.  I ended up being divorced over the nervous break down.

What I am saying with all of this, is I had all the feelings inside that our marriage was over after his parents died because my ex totally changed and became very mean that I wanted out ,but felt I had to stay because he was what I chose.  That is why the nervous break down happened.  I no longer will stay in something if I don't feel things are right.  I blamed myself for everything because that was what I was being told.

My plea to women don't think you have to stay in a marriage just because you choose it.

    I was astonished at how similar our stories are!  I was married for 20 years to my first husband, also.  When we married, I was 23 and he was 21.  I wasn't all that dependent upon him.  I loved him, and I was confident in our future together.

    The first sign of difficulties occurred about a year into our marriage.  He graduated from college, and he was a beginning reporter for a newspaper.  That meant a lot of moving  for not very much money.  I actually made more money waiting tables than he did.  He didn't like this.  He tended to drown his troubles in alcohol.  He could drink the first 5 bottles of beer in an hour after work.  At dinner, he had 4 glasses of wine.  For an evening cocktail, he finished off 6 or 7 triple vodka screwdrivers.

      Every evening I would make a pass at him, hoping to get him in the mood.  He usually had a good excuse.  He also had ISD, Inhibited Sexual Desire, which is a classic symptom of alcoholism--which he vigorous denied.  Oh no,  I was old and fat because I was 26, 5'7" tall, and I weighed 130 pounds.  Oh yes.  If I was younger and prettier he would want to make love with me.  So, after telling me off for making my demands upon him, he staggered down the hall to bed alone. 

      I'm the one who slept on the sofa.

      He didn't want to begin a family until he was 40.  Finally, I pleaded to start when we were 30.  He agreed.  As you say, NOT having a baby can get a lot more expensive than having one!   I had a full term still birth in 1985.  Six weeks later, my PAP smear results returned marked "suspicious, probably malignant."  While awaiting my second set of biopsies to determine whether or not I would be having a hysterectomy that summer, I tried suicide.  If Charley had died, I wanted to die, too.

     I had a major depressive, and I was in no condition to be rational.

     Two years later, after surgery and cancer drugs, I gave birth to my daughter.  When Lauren was 6 months old, my ex had some "difficulties." He claimed he hated asking me this, but he wanted to know who I was sleeping with that he got VD.  I replied, "I would be more inclined to believe you if you had slept with me in the last month or so."

     I forgave him again.

     I had a son, James,  two years after my daughter.  As you say, burying your firstborn deeply affects how you feel about raising your children.  I wasn't going to let a babysitter to this.  I stayed home.  I did what I knew was the right thing for me to do.  I honestly did not care how poor we were.  Saturday night consisted of homemade hamburgers and french fries, and staying home home to watch re-runs of Lawrence Welk.  I even taught the kids how to polka.

     All in all, I counted six valid reasons for becoming a divorcee.  And that's if you scoop up all his assorted affairs into one reason.  At one point, he had two girlfriends at once!  Girlfriend number  one didn't know about girlfriend number two.  Number two was one of my friends, and I had several unkind comments about them.  "She thinks she is the only 'woman with low morals' in Sonora!"

    And yet, I wanted to keep my family together.  I thought a divorce would be too painful for my children.  I had many excuses to endure the unendurable.  One of my best was that if I stayed for more that 19 years, I would receive more money in social security benefits.

       I agree with you when you say you should not stay in a marriage just because you "choose" it.

      Logic had nothing to do with it.  I was not choosing anything.  I, like all human beings,  was driven by emotion.  People are not Vulcans.  Emotion is far more powerful than logic.         

 

 

 

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
January 9, 2008, 9:54 am CST

01/09 When to Call it Quits

Quote From: sfrein

I just got done watching today's show on Jenny and Jeremy, and became quite angry at some aspects of the show. First off, I'm a 24 year old wife and mother of 2 little girls. It was a little scary watching the show because it reminded me of where my husband and I were a year and a half ago. Although I realize how traumatic and horrible this can be for the children involved, it is just as detrimental to the couple. My heart went out to Jenny, and I know this may surprise some people. I remembered that I was just like her. I had a lot of negative energy and anger built up and would blow up at points in my relationship when it was unnecessary. I felt bad for her when I was watching the show, because it seemed that everyone was attacking her-even her own family! I don't feel anyone is in a place to judge except for the Lord, and all the people on this show were passing judgements left and right. It sickened me to see Jeremy acting as if he was innocent or that everything he did was justifiable because of his wife's actions. There is no excuse for either of them. They have both played a role in getting their relationship to this point, and fingers need to stop being pointed. I would have reacted the same way if I was Jenny...I felt they were bringing her down in every way they could and only acknowledged and illuminated her mistakes and bad behaviors. At a few points Dr.Phil addressed his concerns with Jeremy, but somehow, it always came back to Jenny, as if it was somehow her fault. I think the husband needs to stand up and take some responsibility for his failing marriage too. Fortunately, I am a prime example of how a relationship like this can still work out. My husband and I were going through divorce proceedings, but since have completely dropped our case and are a much happier, healthier couple. In fact, for the first time in our 5 year marriage we're doing things the right way. We're compromising, the violence and negativity is no longer present, and we're being the best parents we can be to our two little girls and have another baby girl on the way. I pray for this couple. I pray that they can come together, stop blaming, and grow up and figure out the issues that have brought them to this point. They will remain in my prayers!

well the two previous quotes were my story put together, except losin a child.  Which I cannot even imagine.

but, the  other quote about "i was just like them and am proof that a marriage can be saved"  was me too, just 1 week ago. 

Many affairs, some with my life-long friends.  Which triples the pain. 20 years of marriage and always letting him waltz back home.  This last time i really thought he was fixed and sincere about wanting to make it work.  I live on SS disability and depended on his help. 

Thank the Lord, I did not move out of state with him like he wanted.  we decided to buy a house here.

So, he helped move me in and then said "I wanted you to have this house is why I didn't leave sooner. I think you deserve it.  And it's not another woman.  It's you for accusing me all the time.  I can't live like this anymore."

Well.  That's all fine and dandy.  But I could not afford this house on my own.  He's been gone for about two weeks now.  I am trying to be strong enough not to call him.  I will sell blow jobs at the truck stop before I take a dime from him.  (not really).  but that is how i feeel.  i don't want any other strings with this monster.

 

I know i will be better off mentally if I just hang in there!

 
January 9, 2008, 10:17 am CST

It's hard work to be right all the time

Yelling and screaming isn't the answer.  I think they do love each other and should't just "chuck it all".  There are going to be difficult times in a marriage...to be expected.  The children shouldn't have to live like they are. They are going to grow up with the same problems as Jenny feeling miserable about themselves and bringing that into their relationships.  Kids learn what they live.  I'm not a psychologist, but in my opinion, Jenny has big issues from her past which she carried into adulthood and into the marriage, an eating disorder for one. She needs to know of her own self-worth. I read a book a long time ago and it was an exercise of thinking back to when you were a child of 6 or 7. If "you" yourself, take that child, (you as a child), pick her up and set her on your knee, wrap your arms around her in a hug and ask her to tell you why she's crying, what's wrong. It seemed like the floodgates opened for me.  A light bulb went off in my head and I began to deal and heal....just a thought.   I saw the way Jenny wanted to bolt when Dr. Phil confronted her about her eating disorder and then when it came out about the weekend at the cabin. In my opinion, you can't find answers outside the marriage. Talk. Respect each other and each others feelings and do that by getting help from a professional. I think it will be worth it.  I wish Jen and Jeremy the best of luck.                  Christine
 
January 9, 2008, 10:43 am CST

eating disorders

Quote From: beenthr12

I have struggled for 23 years with an eating disorder. I am currently in recovery, thanks in part to my wonderful and supportive husband who refused to sit back and let me destroy myself. I met him when I was 20 years old, with a baby. I would starve myself and walk every where. He would take me out to a fabulous dinner, and I would barf it up the second I got home. I was an unstable wreck. When I got upset, which was often, I would cry hysterically and vomit. I was irrational, and not a very good mother to my baby.  I never connected not eating, with being a hysterical crying puking maniac. My husband, who was very poor as a child, and never fed well, connects every problem with not eating enough! If you don't feel well, eat! If you're crabby, eat! LOL. What a mix. An anorexic/bulemic with a foodie! But it worked for me. I began eating dinner every night. Then I started eating lunch and dinner both. At this point, at 35 years of age, I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, and some healthy snacks. Although i'm still never sure of what I look like, (because when I was a size 2 I thought I was fat), i'm now a size 12 and happier than I have ever been. I eat right, and exercise a few days a week and that's enough for me. Give up the control that the eating disorder sucks away from you! Look outward, instead of focusing inward all the time. You are not the whole world! Also, what ever needs you had as a child, that were not met, once you have your own children, give it up! Accept the fact that your childhood is over, you will never get that time back, and it's up to you to completely dedicate yourself to your own children. Give them the life you wish you had every single day!

I too struggle with an eating disorder.  A person is not her normal self when she has an eating disorder.  The disorder takes over the mind and the person becomes someone totally different.  Husbands become different also.  They want to help anyway they can think of.  This can be by becoming controlling, distant or obsessive.  In a nut shell, when an eating disorder is involved no one is their true self anymore.

Jeremy and Jennie's marriage can still work, but both need to attend therapy separately and together.  They need to become honest with themselves.  This has helped my marriage.

Good luck to them in whatever they choose.

 
January 9, 2008, 10:56 am CST

01/09 When to Call it Quits

This whole situation was really sad. My husband and I are guilty of arguing in front of our children sometimes but we would never be violent in front of them ever or even to each other. The wife did not want to focus on her problem she wanted to stop being painted as the bad guy. Why go on Dr. Phil if you don't want help. I mean they are both wrong in this situation. I hope for there children's sake they get there act together or get out of that relationship. It just is not healthy for anyone.
 
January 9, 2008, 11:31 am CST

What about the children???

Intervention needs to happen now for the children. It seems as though the oldest child is already expressing destructive behavior. The husband should take the children out of this environment. After the children are safe, both parents need to dig deep within themselves. The wife needs help in identifying her eating disorder and her own destructive behavior to herself and her family. The husband needs to find a job; he needs income to raise and support the children.

 

Wake up people!

 
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