Topic : 03/28 When to Call it Quits

What a GIFT parents give their children by yelling and screaming. Isn't that enough? Men and women nowadays change boyfriends, girlfriends, wives and husbands like Hollywood changes the fashions!

 

Kids are the victims and then they become adult victims....unable to committ, unable to keep a marriage going when they DO committ, unable to handle the ups and downs of life without tossing in the towel, etc.

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The adults are ABLE to change, if they want to...if they care. The children are the only victims here. They can't divorce their parents. And their parents are their pathetic ROLE MODELS.

 

I was once those kids and was estranged from my father for almost 3 decades. Four years before he died I was able to "forgive." I was with him when he died. It took ALL THOSE DECADES for me to deal with the verbal abuse (and fighting) I was exposed to as a child. Luckily, I married well and VOWED not to make the mistakes of my mother. My sister was not so fortunate....choosing the same type of man my father was.

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Parents OWE their children. Children have the RIGHT to feel safe, secure and loved in their own home. Family members and then the courts should intervene if this is not the case.

 

SHAME on the parents, but thankfully they are apparently getting help for THEIR problems....

If marriages ended EVERY time someone crossed the line VERBALLY, there would be no marriages. Taking vows before God HOPEFULLY means more than that to people. As Dr. Phil always says, you don't leave a marriage if and until you've tried everything to save it. Simply walking away when things get bad is NOT what mature, responsible, committed adults (should) do. They get help for their problems, either in marriage counseling or in solo counseling if the spouse won't attend.

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I'm sorry, but what you describe is more problems than just a controlling spouse. The fact that you make reference to more than one marriage and more than one father for her children may be a big part of the problem. But perhaps this explains your willingness to dump a marriage at the first sign of trouble.

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Again, it is the CHILDREN who suffer. Not that this is YOUR situation, but kids of mothers and fathers who don't work on their marriages, don't care about committment and don't even attempt to follow the teachings of Christ grow up to not be able to manage their own marriages (not all, but many). Sadly, the kids learn from their parents, and when parents make BIG mistakes when it comes to love, sex, marriage and committment, the kid tend to repeat those mistakes....

I just got done watching today's show on Jenny and Jeremy, and became quite angry at some aspects of the show. First off, I'm a 24 year old wife and mother of 2 little girls. It was a little scary watching the show because it reminded me of where my husband and I were a year and a half ago. Although I realize how traumatic and horrible this can be for the children involved, it is just as detrimental to the couple. My heart went out to Jenny, and I know this may surprise some people. I remembered that I was just like her. I had a lot of negative energy and anger built up and would blow up at points in my relationship when it was unnecessary. I felt bad for her when I was watching the show, because it seemed that everyone was attacking her-even her own family! I don't feel anyone is in a place to judge except for the Lord, and all the people on this show were passing judgements left and right. It sickened me to see Jeremy acting as if he was innocent or that everything he did was justifiable because of his wife's actions. There is no excuse for either of them. They have both played a role in getting their relationship to this point, and fingers need to stop being pointed. I would have reacted the same way if I was Jenny...I felt they were bringing her down in every way they could and only acknowledged and illuminated her mistakes and bad behaviors. At a few points Dr.Phil addressed his concerns with Jeremy, but somehow, it always came back to Jenny, as if it was somehow her fault. I think the husband needs to stand up and take some responsibility for his failing marriage too. Fortunately, I am a prime example of how a relationship like this can still work out. My husband and I were going through divorce proceedings, but since have completely dropped our case and are a much happier, healthier couple. In fact, for the first time in our 5 year marriage we're doing things the right way. We're compromising, the violence and negativity is no longer present, and we're being the best parents we can be to our two little girls and have another baby girl on the way. I pray for this couple. I pray that they can come together, stop blaming, and grow up and figure out the issues that have brought them to this point. They will remain in my prayers!

I watched the show today and you are both beautiful people !!!!!!!!! 

But your children are the victums.  They need love and secuirty.

You need to do what you have to- to protect your kids mentally,emotionally,

physically, spiritually and socially.

    I was astonished at how similar our stories are!  I was married for 20 years to my first husband, also.  When we married, I was 23 and he was 21.  I wasn't all that dependent upon him.  I loved him, and I was confident in our future together.

    The first sign of difficulties occurred about a year into our marriage.  He graduated from college, and he was a beginning reporter for a newspaper.  That meant a lot of moving  for not very much money.  I actually made more money waiting tables than he did.  He didn't like this.  He tended to drown his troubles in alcohol.  He could drink the first 5 bottles of beer in an hour after work.  At dinner, he had 4 glasses of wine.  For an evening cocktail, he finished off 6 or 7 triple vodka screwdrivers.

      Every evening I would make a pass at him, hoping to get him in the mood.  He usually had a good excuse.  He also had ISD, Inhibited Sexual Desire, which is a classic symptom of alcoholism--which he vigorous denied.  Oh no,  I was old and fat because I was 26, 5'7" tall, and I weighed 130 pounds.  Oh yes.  If I was younger and prettier he would want to make love with me.  So, after telling me off for making my demands upon him, he staggered down the hall to bed alone. 

      I'm the one who slept on the sofa.

      He didn't want to begin a family until he was 40.  Finally, I pleaded to start when we were 30.  He agreed.  As you say, NOT having a baby can get a lot more expensive than having one!   I had a full term still birth in 1985.  Six weeks later, my PAP smear results returned marked "suspicious, probably malignant."  While awaiting my second set of biopsies to determine whether or not I would be having a hysterectomy that summer, I tried suicide.  If Charley had died, I wanted to die, too.

     I had a major depressive, and I was in no condition to be rational.

     Two years later, after surgery and cancer drugs, I gave birth to my daughter.  When Lauren was 6 months old, my ex had some "difficulties." He claimed he hated asking me this, but he wanted to know who I was sleeping with that he got VD.  I replied, "I would be more inclined to believe you if you had slept with me in the last month or so."

     I forgave him again.

     I had a son, James,  two years after my daughter.  As you say, burying your firstborn deeply affects how you feel about raising your children.  I wasn't going to let a babysitter to this.  I stayed home.  I did what I knew was the right thing for me to do.  I honestly did not care how poor we were.  Saturday night consisted of homemade hamburgers and french fries, and staying home home to watch re-runs of Lawrence Welk.  I even taught the kids how to polka.

     All in all, I counted six valid reasons for becoming a divorcee.  And that's if you scoop up all his assorted affairs into one reason.  At one point, he had two girlfriends at once!  Girlfriend number  one didn't know about girlfriend number two.  Number two was one of my friends, and I had several unkind comments about them.  "She thinks she is the only 'woman with low morals' in Sonora!"

    And yet, I wanted to keep my family together.  I thought a divorce would be too painful for my children.  I had many excuses to endure the unendurable.  One of my best was that if I stayed for more that 19 years, I would receive more money in social security benefits.

       I agree with you when you say you should not stay in a marriage just because you "choose" it.

      Logic had nothing to do with it.  I was not choosing anything.  I, like all human beings,  was driven by emotion.  People are not Vulcans.  Emotion is far more powerful than logic.         

 

 

 

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

well the two previous quotes were my story put together, except losin a child.  Which I cannot even imagine.

but, the  other quote about "i was just like them and am proof that a marriage can be saved"  was me too, just 1 week ago. 

Many affairs, some with my life-long friends.  Which triples the pain. 20 years of marriage and always letting him waltz back home.  This last time i really thought he was fixed and sincere about wanting to make it work.  I live on SS disability and depended on his help. 

Thank the Lord, I did not move out of state with him like he wanted.  we decided to buy a house here.

So, he helped move me in and then said "I wanted you to have this house is why I didn't leave sooner. I think you deserve it.  And it's not another woman.  It's you for accusing me all the time.  I can't live like this anymore."

Well.  That's all fine and dandy.  But I could not afford this house on my own.  He's been gone for about two weeks now.  I am trying to be strong enough not to call him.  I will sell blow jobs at the truck stop before I take a dime from him.  (not really).  but that is how i feeel.  i don't want any other strings with this monster.

 

I know i will be better off mentally if I just hang in there!

Yelling and screaming isn't the answer.  I think they do love each other and should't just "chuck it all".  There are going to be difficult times in a marriage...to be expected.  The children shouldn't have to live like they are. They are going to grow up with the same problems as Jenny feeling miserable about themselves and bringing that into their relationships.  Kids learn what they live.  I'm not a psychologist, but in my opinion, Jenny has big issues from her past which she carried into adulthood and into the marriage, an eating disorder for one. She needs to know of her own self-worth. I read a book a long time ago and it was an exercise of thinking back to when you were a child of 6 or 7. If "you" yourself, take that child, (you as a child), pick her up and set her on your knee, wrap your arms around her in a hug and ask her to tell you why she's crying, what's wrong. It seemed like the floodgates opened for me.  A light bulb went off in my head and I began to deal and heal....just a thought.   I saw the way Jenny wanted to bolt when Dr. Phil confronted her about her eating disorder and then when it came out about the weekend at the cabin. In my opinion, you can't find answers outside the marriage. Talk. Respect each other and each others feelings and do that by getting help from a professional. I think it will be worth it.  I wish Jen and Jeremy the best of luck.                  Christine

I too struggle with an eating disorder.  A person is not her normal self when she has an eating disorder.  The disorder takes over the mind and the person becomes someone totally different.  Husbands become different also.  They want to help anyway they can think of.  This can be by becoming controlling, distant or obsessive.  In a nut shell, when an eating disorder is involved no one is their true self anymore.

Jeremy and Jennie's marriage can still work, but both need to attend therapy separately and together.  They need to become honest with themselves.  This has helped my marriage.

Good luck to them in whatever they choose.

Intervention needs to happen now for the children. It seems as though the oldest child is already expressing destructive behavior. The husband should take the children out of this environment. After the children are safe, both parents need to dig deep within themselves. The wife needs help in identifying her eating disorder and her own destructive behavior to herself and her family. The husband needs to find a job; he needs income to raise and support the children.

 

Wake up people!