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Topic : 01/14 "At War with My Teen"

Number of Replies: 714
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Created on : Friday, January 11, 2008, 01:01:50 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Family members are supposed to support one another, but what happens when a household is in total meltdown and filled with constant battles? Sandi says her 17-year-old son, Michael, is totally out of control. During a fight they curse, yell, and even come to blows –- all captured on cameras installed in their home. She says she's called the cops seven times and has been so scared of Michael that she's locked herself in the bathroom to escape him. Michael says the bickering is not all his fault. Is he being honest with himself? How is Michael's relationship with his stepdad, Jim, adding to the problem? You won't believe some of the shocking statements the parents make. Find out why Robin joins the conversation onstage, and find out what Dr. Phil thinks is at the root of the problem. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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January 14, 2008, 8:32 am CST

01/14 "At War with My Teen"

Quote From: slp1169

Unfortunately your granddaughter is 18 and is considered an adult.  Tell her you want to have an adult conversation with her and that you intend to start treating her like an adult, and what your expectations are as long as she is living under your roof.  Tell her she must get a job and keep it.  It sounds like she may need some help with her bills.  Help her set up a budget .  Above all, tell her you love her and that you will do everything you can to help her, but if she wants to be treated like an adult, then she must start acting like a responsible person.  Ask her what she wants to do?  Get her to start communicating with you.  She sounds like a very angry young lady.  If she is going to stay out all night, ask her to let you know where she is and leave a number where you can reach her in case of an emergency.   I agree with you about not getting her out of jail if that should happen.  She must understand the consequences of her actions, and that includes the people that she associates with.

This sounds a little like me when was that age. I lived with my grandma also.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your grandaughter needs a little tough love. I drank and did drugs, but I managed to hold down a job. I got caught drinking and driving a couple of times and dealt with the consequences.

First my grandma demanded money for room and board. If I had the money to party then I had $25/wk to pay her to live there.

I moved out a couple of times, but came back. At 21, she told me that I had live on my own. She helped me out by saving my money for me (I wasn't capable of saving money on my own), she bought me food for my apt, and my kitchen table, offered to give me used furniture. She basically told me I was old enough and capable enough to do it on my own. I just relied on her so much. You can't keep enabling her. You have to make her stand on her own two feet.

Also, try treating her as an adult, she thinks she is so grown up, and we both know she isn't, but treat her that way and it just might start to reflect.

Also, I got myself into trouble with credit when I was her age and it took me 7 years to repair it.  The other lady was right, offer to help her manage it, like my granny did, but if she doesn't want it, then she'll have to learn the hard way.

My grandma also hated it when I stayed out all night, because she worried, something that I couldn't understand until I was older. She sounds as stubborn as I was, but the other person is right, just talk to her like and adult and help where she will allow you.


Good luck! I know it's not easy. You grandma's as the best. I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for mine. I owe her my life! By the way, I turned out ok  ;  )  After some lessons in the hard knock life.

 
January 14, 2008, 8:38 am CST

Poor Sandi!

I felt so sorry for Sandi. I went through a rough menopause myself and for several years I felt like I was angry all the time. I never screamed at my son like that, but then, he didn't continue to do things after I asked him to stop. If Michael has been so violent that he's had to have the police called on him seven times, then he must be really challenging to live with. I think the rest of us should walk a mile in Sandi's shoes before we start saying that *we* would never act the way she did on that tape.
 
January 14, 2008, 8:39 am CST

01/14 "At War with My Teen"

 Are you kidding me?  Some of you are sympathetic to the mother!   Children are what we make them period.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that  this poor kid is just screwed up b/c of her behavior as a mother.  I have a very active 8 year old who is head strong and will test you to the limit but I have never called her a name or degraded her.  This women should not even be aloud near this poor young man.  Micheal if you read this just know that ANYONE that would be raised in that situation would have lost thier mind by now.  Hang in there kiddo.  Like I tell my daughter you words are powerful take a deep breath think how your feeling and I'm all ears.  Micheal your precious I can just tell you want to be the best you can be, and even if nobody tells you this, believe it  yourself!
 
January 14, 2008, 8:48 am CST

I agree 100% !!!!!

Quote From: scsinglemom

I couldn't agree more with the fact that this mom and son needs some counseling and serious psychological help.  But I think for you and Robin to say that she has NEVER raised her voice at her children is a little ridiculous.   I trust and believe that Robin has been a excellent parent, but she is surely not perfect, which is how she was portrayed to the mother.  No mother can raise young men 28 & 21 and never raise her voice once.  Please don't get me wrong, I do love Robin and admire you and your show very much, but please be realistic.  As much as this Mom needs help, she needs to know the reality of raising children.  And her reality is no where near right, but neither is thinking you can raise children and NEVER raise your voice at them.  Thank you for getting them the help they so need.  I really feel sympathy for the son and hope the family will get the help they deserve!
You said exactly what I was thinking.  I'm surprised I haven't seen any other messages like yours.  I think I'm a good mother and we have 4 good kids, but I'd be dishonest if I didn't admit I've lost my temper and raised my voice with them at times.  I wish I could be a perfect parent, but I can't because I'm not a perfect human being.  I continue to try to stay calm and not let my teens push my buttons, but I'm often so frustrated, stressed, and tired that I raise my voice in anger.  I know that we should not lose our tempers and instead show calm leadership (as Dr. Phil says so well) and take away some of the kids' many privileges as consequences to kids' bad behavior.  One thing we've done right, but we should do more, is immediately nipping bad behavior in the bud, such as a child using a disrespectful tone with a parent...  I want as much parenting advice as possible from Dr. Phil and Robin,  but I hope it can be realistic and not leave us all feeling like complete losers!!
 
January 14, 2008, 9:02 am CST

hoping my daughter will grow up

My daughter is now 21.  She started running around with a very disrespectful crowd including her bf when she was  around 17.  She is very disrespectful and rude to us to this day.  She and her bf are now broken up and have been for about a year.  She tends to befriend other young adults her age that are very needy and seem to only be her friend when she has money.  She uses her money to  have fun on the weekends with her friends  who have no jobs and uses others as our daugher seems to be doing to us and thus chooses to not pay her bills.  She is now behind on her car payment and cell phone and has overdrafted her bank acct.  She has let her car insur cancel and is now without insur and still driving her car after we told her of the possible outcome. 

we have helped her out financially too ,many times in the past and have told her what could happen if she continues down this road.  She does not want to discuss any of her issues with us and has told us that if she needs our advise she will ask for it. She is not iving in reality.   we told her we are here to discuss how to get her out of this situation but will not financially support her. She just ignores us. She rarely speaks to us and comes in and out of the house now to shower and occationally spend the night.  We love her very much.  We have tried tough love and kicked her out of the house last year but when she recked her previous car, we invited her back in to start her life over.  Sheseems only to care for the now and not about tommorrow or consiquenses.  We know she is over 18 and this is not our business but we hate to see our child ruin her life and choose friends who dont  care.  We are at witts end with her and we just go day by day.

 
January 14, 2008, 9:19 am CST

They Dont Have A Clue. Do They?

My heart was breaking today for that boy.
I wanted to be there then and go do what Robin did for him.
All I could see was a precious boy, that needs hugs and kisses and love and to know that he is his mothers heart and soul.
I have a Wonderful beautiful intelligent 19 yr old Daughter and mistakes have been made along the way with my parenting skills.
So, I hate to throw stones as me and the lord know I live in a glass mobile home.,
But,.....
I did not see anything during your show today that made me think that Michael's Mother has ANY Idea what see has done(is doing) to her Son.
I don't claim to be mother of the yr. but the word that most came to me today watching this woman and her Husband on the show was; CLUELESS.
I had my Daughter when I was 18 and single. I finished high school with a newborn my Senior yr.
I  myself was raised by a single Mom and extended family, But I have not been that clueless about parenting .
Please keep me up to date with this I am hoping for a good outcome for Michael.
Thanks.
 
January 14, 2008, 9:38 am CST

Embarassed mom

I have a 16 going on 17 year old daughter who I'm afraid has been put in many angry situations.  I'm realizing that she is very different from me because of all the anger and the depressions I have had.  I keep wanting her to be different.  She is a good kid with all A's and B's in school doesn't drank alchol, smoke or get in trouble but I find myself always finding faults with her.  Watching Dr. Phil for the last two weeks has really opened my eyes.  I'm trying very hard to not be so negative.  Today's show about listening really opened my eyes.  My daughter just said that to me in the past few days.
 
January 14, 2008, 9:45 am CST

listening to kids very important

I am the mother of three wonderful adult children. When they were teenagers, they were a challenge like all teens. My firstborn, a daughter, was very head strong and rebellious. There was a lot of screaming between us. My second child, another daughter, was a normal teen, but when we started screaming, or rather I did, she would run to her room. I would give us a 10-minute cool down, then go to her room and tell her I wanted to hear from her how she felt about our nasty encounter and that I would listen and not interrupt nor try to defend myself. WOW!!! I learned how to parent from this child. Ninety-nine percent of the time, she was right....I had over reacted!! I became a much better parent from there on by learning to listen. Kids, at any age, are a lot wiser than we give them credit for...they watch us and they learn from us. My kids are wonderful and are super adults contributing fantastically to today's society. Please parents....listen to your children!! You will not regret it and as a result, you will be a better parent!! Dr. Phil is 100 percent right when he told Sandi to listen to Michael. Sally Lael
 
January 14, 2008, 10:15 am CST

mommypersonny

Quote From: mommypersonny

I have some of the same problems with my sons,one of them is out of my home right now because he tried to hit me...and dr phil I'm happy your kids were so good growing up..but  not all parents have your life,my life was spent ,with child sevices ..which people used to get even with someone they were mad at,and kids were told "are your parents mean to you call us"this has made kids blackmail parents..and because of this we as parents lost the ablity to control I kids..now they think the world owes them..and that as parents we have to give them and let do anything they want,and if they don't get it watch out..I have always hugged and kiss my boys and told them how much they were loved,they have been given everything we could give them,and asked very little from them...some housewhole chores....which they fight me about doing but that hand is still out toget something they want .dr phil why did you say the mom is wrong...what I saw was a kid that has push a mother over the edge..and that kid had been told how does it feel to know that you have push the one person who loves you more then any person ever will in your whole life

I feel you.  We as parents need support from each other.  I wish there was a club for us.   I would like to get a forum started for parents who will admit they are having problems and hopefully can learn from others how to handle problems they face.

 

I am so sick of people who claim they have no problems with their kids.  Kids today are selfish, could careless about family, but do anything for so-called friends, they think the world owes them something and sociality makes us parents feel guilty when we expect something back even if it's just RESPECT.

 
January 14, 2008, 10:18 am CST

I'm learning

Quote From: sallylael

I am the mother of three wonderful adult children. When they were teenagers, they were a challenge like all teens. My firstborn, a daughter, was very head strong and rebellious. There was a lot of screaming between us. My second child, another daughter, was a normal teen, but when we started screaming, or rather I did, she would run to her room. I would give us a 10-minute cool down, then go to her room and tell her I wanted to hear from her how she felt about our nasty encounter and that I would listen and not interrupt nor try to defend myself. WOW!!! I learned how to parent from this child. Ninety-nine percent of the time, she was right....I had over reacted!! I became a much better parent from there on by learning to listen. Kids, at any age, are a lot wiser than we give them credit for...they watch us and they learn from us. My kids are wonderful and are super adults contributing fantastically to today's society. Please parents....listen to your children!! You will not regret it and as a result, you will be a better parent!! Dr. Phil is 100 percent right when he told Sandi to listen to Michael. Sally Lael
I had my only 16 year old child when I was 42 and in a depression.  I have been told by my daughter that I'm not listening.  I was so glad to see this show and to learn from you and others on this site.  Linda
 
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