Topic : 01/14 "At War with My Teen"

This boy is just like my nephew.  But my nephew who is currently  living with my father-in-law.  He has never really lived with his mother.  His father has lived with him at my in-laws house but never wanted anything to do with him.  How sad is that.  My husband and I tried to get custody of him about 7 years ago but his mother decided she wanted him or just didn't want us to have him.  So he lived with her until about 2 years ago when my father-in-law took custody back of him.  He is a lying, cheating, stealing 15 year old.  No one will make him mind.  He thinks he rules the house and as I see it he does.  He smokes and we suppect he is doing drugs and failing most of his classes.  He will cuss my in-laws out or even try physically fighting with my brother-in-law and if they go after him he wants to call the police.  He has no household chores.  He did but would not do them.  He thinks the world owes him everything.  I have tried to help him and listen to him and be there for him when he needed someone to talk to.  But that has all changed since this Christmas, while he was at our house he stole 2 gift cards that were his younger cousins.  One was my 3 year old nephews and the other was my 9 year old sons.  I was furious when we realized it was him that took them.  When he was asked about them of course he denied taking them.  My father-in-law did NOTHING about it.  At this point I am done.  I don't want to do anything else for him.  I told him he was not aloud back in our home.  I am tired of bending over backwards for an ungrateful child.  Even though I feel like I was the only one that told him that I loved him.  But I can not have him around my kids knowing that he is going to steal from them or teach them to steal.  The question I have for all of you is Am I wrong in doing this? 

I am not saying that kids like this are wrong.  I agree with Dr. Phil their behavior is unacceptable.  The parents or those that are in the parent roles need to take responsibility for how they are raising these kids.  My in-laws have always given in to my nephew and his parents just didn't care enough to get involved.  What am I suppose to do as an aunt? 

            I  would have to agree with you completely. The boy on the show today is obviously love starved and is acting out because of the way the parent him. He does not have support at home and you can see that the mother is worried about her feelings more than her sons feelings! 

Alot of what you said really concerns me, mostly about you saying that if she ends up in jail for her not to call you. You need to be there for her. Set rules she lives in your house and if she want to stay there she has to go by what you say.(common rules ) If she does not like that she is 18 considered "an adult" let her go out and see what life really is. Her mom not wanting to bother with her i bet hurts her. I am on 20yrs old i have been on my own since i was 16yrs old because my mom could not get it together. Be there for her, be her support, love her no matter what. Set rules that she has to have a job, clean up after her self, home no later than 1 a.m. You are supposed to love your grandchilderen no matter what step up and help her she is crying out for attention of LOVE!!!!!

Defending Robin:

Robin could have been one of those children that when growing up, wanted a different format of child raising than perhaps she had been given.

I know that I did.  I even took Parent Efficiency Training Classes to help insure that I would be a better parent than my own...

Listening to Robin talk on the Dr.Phil's Show from time to time, I could see how she wouldn't be one of those parents that lost their cool and flew off the handle.

Perhaps the difference between Robin and myself is that I was a single parent with my sons father always a adding his input into the mix and it was always aimed at causing more conflict in my home where I had to work for a living being his child support payments were so small.

Yet I must admit, neither of my sons ever raised a hand to strike me or call me names, just like I wasn't into name calling as well...

I never called them losers as well, for like Robin, my sons were and are my reason for being here on the planet.

My grandchildren (5, 2 step or 2 future step=9) are my reward for having not killed my kids when they were teenagers and had all the answers to life.

Unlike Robin, I didn't do all things right...yet I always let my kids know that no matter what they did I would always love them, yet it was that moment of bad behavior that I didn't like...separate the incident from the whole package is what I would suggest to the parents of this young man.

Perhaps as well, this mother was raised by parents like my own...do what is told you when it is told you immediately or suffer the consequences.

I thought I had to have perfect kids or I somehow was as good a parent as my own.  It wasn't until I took a job as a youth correctional officer...adjudicated kids from 7-17 years.  It was when I talked to this kids and heard of what they had done and why, that I realized how blessed I was having the sons that I do.

Now as I watch how my kids are raising their own children...my oh my, how the way that we raise our own children, revisits us when we watch our kids a handling their own children...some of it good, some of it, I wish I could redo...yet, were we all perfect parents...our children would have little room in which to vent you know?

I know that I wasn't perfect, yet I am still a working on that...

This mom obviously has a need for this type of anger out bursts...I didn't get to see the show, this morning for i had an early dentist cleaning apt. today...and could only read the responses of it...here.

This son, obviously is happy to oblige her.  Both lost in the game of push and pull.  Thus letting love hit the curb in such a family dynamic wouldn't be hard thing to do for either mother, step father or son.

Just thinking that misguided love interplay had to travel to this point to get it resolved brings tears to my eyes.  Thank You God for people like Dr. Phil and Robin!

I am glad that I didn't see Robin reach out to this young man, for I would have cried...and would have wanted to have done the same thing.  Dr. Phil you have a special wife as you know!

One person wrote about the bio father...being he is the one that this son will role model more than the step father...is he alive?  Does he interact with his son?  You know that all children somehow believe that they are responsible for the break up between their parents, even if they weren't and always somewheres in the back of their mind, hope that one day they could have both bio parents together again...living in a semi normal world...could this be part of this young man's anger towards the step father as well?

Or is this young man angry that mom has step dad as her back up and this young man only has himself in which to battle both parent and step parent?

More listening being done by mom and step dad, looks to be in order....

My parents had one answer for any questions that I asked of them:

When I was told no, and I asked why?  I got, because I said so.

My sons when they ask me questions, I give them the answers as best as I know how to give and I then tell them that what they do with the information is their business...at least they get to know how I feel on any subject that comes to light...

Good parents tell their kids what they need to know, rather than what they want to hear.

Yet always remembering the fragile line between too much infor and not enough...

Typical Example of a frustrating moment with either or sons:

I start off by telling them how much I love them and if I didn't it wouldn't matter what they did or didn't do.

I then tell them what my thoughts are about what occurred and how I feel they could have changed the scenario if it was possible or not.

Then like the book of Dr. Marianne Williamson, 'Return To Love,' I remind them of how much they mean to me and how lost I would be were God to call them back Home before myself.

Those are my thoughts for whatever they are worth.

Love, Light and Peace

Tonie

We Are All Blessed

I was like this mother with my 13-14 year old daughter. Yes girls act this way too. After all the yelling and her hitting not only me but my other daughter and busting up the house, she went to a counselor. The counselor cost allot of money and actually made things worse. I was stupid enough to listen to her. No chores no rules let the child decide and have input on her life. I had called the police, taken her to the hospital and put her in a 72 hour home the Dr at the E.R suggested. She actually broke a disc. in my neck.  I was not getting any help that was working. The best thing was to read Family First and things did calm down. I also calmed down. But not for long now she is 17 she scares me. She is stronger then me. I know I did my best while she was younger. I worked yes but had a job that I set my schedule. I was very involved and she got to do extras she wanted to do. Now I do not confront her. I tell her no she can not go and she goes. I tell her to give me her phone and she pushes by me. She has everyone believing I am the worst person to live with. The Dance coach wrote to her how well she does with such a hard life at home. I ask her to do a chore and she says yes later and later never comes. Her counselor at school actually told her she wished I would hit her so she could remove her from my home. That same counselor will not return my calls or meet with me because of all the privacy laws. I spoke to the principle and let her know I did not think it was right for anyone to tell a child they wished a parent would hit them and I wanted something done about this but nothing was.I shut the cell phone off and she kicks in cabinets and doors in my home. I pay dearly just trying to be the mom. People say pick your battles well what is a good battle follow my rules? Treat me with respect?  Others tell me she is a good child no drugs good grades it is just me she can not get along with. She tells me how I will not see her or be part of her life when she is gone. I hate myself for thinking I can not wait until she is gone. I wonder why I can not have that relationship mother and daughters are suppose to have.

Her father has been gone since she was 7 and has very little to do with her. If I call him for help he yells at me at what a bad job I have done or one time he came to the house to Put Her In Her Place and I came out of my room in time to step between them. I got hit from both of them and finally got him out of the house. Now I am seeing some of the same behavior out of her sister who is 18 months younger. I ask her if she did not see how much pain her sister actions caused us all and why is she doing the same. She says why does she have to follow the rules if I do not make her sister follow them.  Some one please tell me what to do. Every time I want to give up and not speak to them if not spoken to stay in my room and quit trying I think that is not right. I am not a child I am the parent but I really do not have any good ideas. Any help?