Topic : 03/27 "Get Your Act Together!"

I agree with the idea of putting a time limit on getting a job, savings ect. I think however, the question is what do you do if they do not comply ? Do you stand your ground and insist that they move out and learn the hard way ?

I can tell you from exp. I had to do just that. My Then 19 yr old, refused to get a job after being fired twice, was belligerent and disrespectful when confronted about work, & bills & had a brush or two with legal issues. I finally had enough & insisted he leave after being particularly verbally abusive. It has now been close to 6 months later. He has found a roommate, does not work, goes to community college - has good grades for the classes he does attend, but essentially not much has changed as far as his sense of responsibility. I've told him if he makes an effort and gets and keeps a job, I'll help him with acquiring a car. Still.. nothing. SO... What do you do ? It kills me to see him living like this.

I am the oldest of three children.  We are all grown adults but me and my middle sister have sit back and watch my youngest sister take advantage of our folks.  My sister is close to 35 and has 4 children which she has successfully used the kids as a bargaining tool.

   She has not been able to keep a job and has a drug problem.  She was living with your children at my folks 3 bedroom small home.  I have came over and caught her smoking pot on my parents front porch, and here’s the kicker my mom has been in recovery for over 3 years.  I told mom about it but she did not want to do anything because of the grandchildren.

  My sister finally moved out of the home after her boyfriend got out of jail he was in jail for credit card theft, he broke into my folks home the last time they took a vacation.  My folks are both retired and loved going to the coast for at least a month every year.  But after what happened last time they are don't want it to happen again.

  In the last year I and my sister have watched my folk’s age about 20 years.  We don't know what to do all we can do is sit back watch.  I called my mom and told her to watch the show but because it hit so close to home she couldn't watch it.

  This has affected everyone in our family; my boys which are 15 and 11 have told me about how the have been around their aunt when she used illegal drugs. I WILL NOT ALLOW THEM TO BE AROUND HER ANYMORE, furthermore after she took her boyfriend back they don't want to have anything to do with her. 

  WHAT CAN WE DO???  DO WE REALLY HAVE TO SIT BACK AND WATCH THIS KILL MOM AND DAD BOTH EMOTIONALLY AND PHSYCALLY???  We have accepted the fact that my folks are doing this for the "GANDCHILD" but because of this she a puppetteer pulling the strings to my mom and dad.

   I have talked till I am blue in face to mom and dad and it dosen't seem to do any good.  If anyone has any ideas let me know I would love to hear them.

My brother-in-law and sister-in-law are just like this.He is 34 she is 29 and they have 3 kids.They live with my mother-in-law right now.They have been married almost 11 years and only 3 of them have they had a place of there own.It makes me sick.My husband who is 4 years younger has a good job I get to be a stay at home Mom and we just moved into our 1st house last year.I just do not understand why lazy people keep having kids and they can not take care of themselfs or the kids they already have.My brother-in-law also has a child not with his wife that he never pays for.My father-in-law passed away in oct of last year and they are killing my mother-in-law.She is having so much trouble paying the bills.She only works parttime and is taking care of 5 people.

I am the oldest of three children.  We are all grown adults but me and my middle sister have sit back and watch my youngest sister take advantage of our folks.  My sister is close to 35 and has 4 children which she has successfully used the kids as a bargaining tool.

   She has not been able to keep a job and has a drug problem.  She was living with your children at my folks 3 bedroom small home.  I have came over and caught her smoking pot on my parents front porch, and here’s the kicker my mom has been in recovery for over 3 years.  I told mom about it but she did not want to do anything because of the grandchildren.

  My sister finally moved out of the home after her boyfriend got out of jail he was in jail for credit card theft, he broke into my folks home the last time they took a vacation.  My folks are both retired and loved going to the coast for at least a month every year.  But after what happened last time they are don't want it to happen again.

  In the last year I and my sister have watched my folk’s age about 20 years.  We don't know what to do all we can do is sit back watch.  I called my mom and told her to watch the show but because it hit so close to home she couldn't watch it.

  This has affected everyone in our family; my boys which are 15 and 11 have told me about how the have been around their aunt when she used illegal drugs. I WILL NOT ALLOW THEM TO BE AROUND HER ANYMORE, furthermore after she took her boyfriend back they don't want to have anything to do with her. 

  WHAT CAN WE DO???  DO WE REALLY HAVE TO SIT BACK AND WATCH THIS KILL MOM AND DAD BOTH EMOTIONALLY AND PHSYCALLY

I just finished watching today's show and can completely relate.  This is where my family's situation will be in about 6 months time, if I had to guess.  My sister is married to a guy who thinks that because he has an engineering degree and his MBA, that he shouldn't take anything less than a high salary.  He has been out of work since October (ish) of 2006.  They had their first son in December of 2006.  This was a true miracle since my sister was told at the age of 15 that she would not be able to have children.  Since then, my sister has been on maternity leave (here in Canada, we get a year) but my brother -in-law has only worked from October to December of 2007.  I am completely convinced that the only reason that he even took that contract was because they found out that my sister is pregnant again....this time with TWINS!!! Now, because they are in a financial mess, my sister asked my Mom if she and her family could move in with her.  MY MOM SAID YES!?!?!!? 

I can totally relate to what Heather's (the sister) concerns are as my sister will probably take over my Mom's house as well.  I have even talked to my mother and impressed on her that she needs to make and ENFORCE some very strict house rules.  I'm not even convinced that my sister and brother-in-law will even follow them.

I do have a question for Dr Phil that I am left with after watching this show.....how do you deal with the emotional fallout of this situation?  I am finding it harder and harder to even look at my brother in law.  My Mom feels the same way.  I know that agreeing with my sister when she vents her frustration about her husband will probably come back and bite us in the butt, however, I don't know how to be supportive when I think they are both "playing the victim".  I watch Dr Phil religiously, and have on numerous occassions said things like "You need to go out and get a job!" and can hear Dr. Phil in my head when I say it!  I have also done exactly what Dr Phil did on today's episode...."Zero dollars....Eight dollars....zero dollars....eight dollars.  I would take the eight dollars!".  I laughed out loud when Dr Phil said that. 

I guess in the end, I just have to support my Mom and sister and hope that our situation doesn't become like the one on today's show. 

I have been with my husband for 22 years and we have been married for 10.  He had a good job until we got married and then suddenly he quit his job and it has been a downhill slide ever since.  He has had 10 years to get his act together and as Dr. Phil said, 10 years of chances and now that's over.

I've known for years that my husband will never get his act together because he has no reason to.  He has a mother who taught all of her children to be victims (she is the queen of victims herself).  She is a huge enabler for my husband as well as three of her other grown "children" (they're all close to, or over the age of 50).  All my husband has ever had to do is call his mother and cry about what a victim he is, and how he's doing the best he can and then he'll throw in how he's got some big deal about to come through (of course it never does) and she gets out her checkbook. As she's writing the check she's telling him how he's got to do something because she just can't keep doing this, but she always does.

As a stay-at-home mom (at my husband's urging) I did literally everything around our home.  The absolute only thing my husband had to to was go to work and bring home a paycheck to support us.  He always managed to go somewhere, but he never seemed to bring home a paycheck from wherever it was he was going.  He has had 16 jobs during our marriage and he just could never seem to stick with anything.  But, why should he?  He knows he doesn't have to make anything work out because his mother will rescue him and fix it for him with money.

I just woke up one day and told myself, it's now or never.  I finally made the decision to file for divorce.  It's something I knew I had to do years ago and I'm a bit ashamed that I waited so long.  I waited because I knew my husband would make the divoce ugly... and I wasn't wrong.  We have a 10-year-old son and what Dr. Phil said to Brianne about her being the fiduciary for her child and that she must put that child's interests above all else, really hit home.  My decision to divorce my husband was based solely on survival for me and my son.

My husband has been relying on his mother financially the entire 10 years we have been married.  His mother is 75 years old.  I asked myself, what are we going to do when his mother dies?  My husband has no backup plan... no retirement... no savings... nothing, and neither do I.  I'm 48, and I decided I could not wait another minute to get out.  I knew at my age, it was going to be an uphill struggle and I had to do something now!  I had worked full-time up until the time we got married and I thought I would just return to doing what I did before I was a stay-at-home mom.  I've spent the past year looking for a job and have not had any luck.  A lot has changed in 10 years and it looks like I'm going to have to go back to school.  That's scary, but not nearly as scary as the thought of staying with my husband and depending on him.

Dr. Phil was right on when he said, "I would rather be happy alone, than sick with somebody else.  My son deserves a mother who is happy and I will be a better parent to him if I am happy.  My job as a parent is to protect my son, even if it's from his own father.  My husband is toxic and he's a "taker". His sole purpose in life seems to be to suck the life out of anybody that will allow him to do so.  Then, when he's finished using up a person, he moves on to the next, and the next, and so on.  I'm just so thankful that I decided to get out before my husband could totally use me up and hopefully, it isn't too late for me to reverse any damage my husband may have instilled in my son and I can teach him to grow up and be a productive member of society.  I know I'm a good mother and fully capable... I have two wonderful, well-ajusted, grown sons who are totally self-reliant. Neither has ever come to me for a handout.

So, to anyone out there in a similar situation, just remember Dr. Phil's words... It's better to be happy alone than sick with somebody else.  You'll be a better person for it.

curlygirl729