Topic : 05/30 "Butt Out!"

The second couple really hit home with my own situation.  I got married at 22, and I think my parents wanted me to wait.  We got pregnant 4 months after.  If I was mad, upset, frustrated, what ever, my Mom was my soft place to fall.  I never discussed intimate details of my marriage problems with my girlfriends. They would judge my husband.  My Mom NEVER did.  Not once, ever.  Now 13 years later, and 3 wonderful boys, my Mom is still my soft place to fall.

I hope this helps.

She feels like his life has gone on.  He is raising a family with another woman.  She feels like she has lost and he has everything.  Her biggest fear is that the children will like being at the father's more than with her and that the step mom will replace her with the kids like she replace her  with the ex.  This woman is living her old life.

We talk to ourselves in our heads all the time.  All of these feelings are what she is left alone with while the kids are gone.  She might be able to change the dialogue in her own head if she felt good about herself. 

Nicholle, find positive things to do with your time away from the kids.  Get a career that you can feel good about.  Stand on your own two feet.  Indulge yourself in a hobby- painting always takes my mind off things.  Your children will have a role model in you.  They will see that no matter what life deals you then you can handle it.  Imagine how they must worry about you!  Thinking of you sad is hurting them.  Let them know that it is alright to love their father and step mom- and new sibling.  Let them know that you will be okay while they are with their daddy.  You will save them years of conselling and antidepressants. 

You are a good mom Nicholle.

I don't know where YOU come from, but everywhere else,  when you make babies you have to support them..and a parent having the children half the time does NOT mean NO child support!!

I was married to a man who had three children by a previous marriage. (and I had my own three kids when we married.)  When he got his paycheck, I made darn sure that the first thing to come right off the top of that check was child support....the key word here being "CHILD" support. It means the kids can eat, be clothed, have decent medical care and a roof over their heads. It's not the kids' fault if the parents can't make the marriage work and they shouldn't go hungry because the father wants to go on down the road and make babies with someone else! Tough!

As for working, I worked three jobs when my own kids were growing up because their father refused to pay any support (but he could take vacations with his bimbo while his kids went without). Back then, in the 70's, single Moms did not have the court enforced child support they have now, and even working three jobs wasn't enough; we often ate oatmeal for dinner because we had nothing else and my kids had to wear hand-me-down clothing. I drove a crappy car and medical care was a joke! I was exhausted all the time.  Somehow, we made it, but it sure would have been nice if their father had loved them enough to make sure they did not do without basic necessities. It would have also been nice if my children could have had a mom who wasn't exhausted all the time, and there with them a little more. Their father could have made THEIR lives so much better if he had just been responsible.

You say you have a "simular situation".....well, shame on you if you begrudge ANY children their deserved support!! Children cost lots of money!   Think about that before you choose to have them, and be prepared to step up and do whatever is necessary to support them once they are here!

Each one of these woman had my antenna up.  When the step mom told the mother to take the shoes off her daughters feet- in front of the daughter...  I wouldn't even be able to see straight if that was me!!  I thought she handled that well- the police did not need to be called!

When Nicholle said that she refuses to fight so she just hangs up on them... Hanging up on someone is aggression.  It is getting the final word.  It is disrespectful and immature.  I can't believe that Dr. Phil let her get away with that statement.  Actions speak louder than words.

Unfortunately, court-ordered child support is necessary because in most cases of divorce you can't count on the decency of men to do the right thing.  Oh, sure, they would willingly "give" money to their children according to what they think they can afford, somewhat like throwing $5.00 in the offering plate at church as a way to absolve their guilt.  When a husband leaves his family for another relationship, his priorities shift dramatically away from his "old life" toward his "new and improved life."  First wives and children get left in a cloud of dust and must learn to fend for themselves.  Child support levels the playing field.  Child support is a tangible truth about the value of the children in the eyes of their parent.  Child support makes a person think twice betore caving into illicit affairs.  Child support insures that the family can never be completely forgotten, that they just won't "go away", that the responsibility of the family is carried  by each parent in part if not in equal.  Child support is symbolic of the extent to which the non-custodial parent continues to care for his/her children.  How much child support would a non-custodial parent be willing to pay if the "gun" of the law were not held to his/her head?  Not much, is my guess.

Women generally do not command the the same earning potential as men, and child support helps them continue to live with their children adequately.  But there is no pot of gold.  A woman's lifestyle drops dramatically after divorce while her ex-husband's rebounds and rises within a few years.

Child support keeps many women and children out of welfare.  I can't imagine the tax increase to all of us if there were no child support laws.

 Dr. Phil

I was really upset  with the first divorsed couples on your show today. I am a married woman who is with a man from a divorsed family. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS THE KIDS!!!!! My step children are 15 and 12 I also have two children of my own who are 4 and 3. I make sure I have pictures around the house so my two boys will always know my step childre. We have a unique situation though, my step kids live in Germany. We are lucky if we get to see them for a few weeks a year. Stepping into and all ready family was a challenge, but what ever I had to get used too was no where near what those kids have had to. They were here for xmas which was an incredible time and all of us still miss them. I wish these parents that you have on there that are so selfish about "sharing there I repeat THERE kids, you as parents could make it the best time of there lives or you could make them resent being a part in just a few little words that could damage them for life. If I could tell every person that's out there in that mixed family or is about to start, what can you do to help the kids. You need to sit down and talk with them get to learn them. I had a really difficult time, my step kids didn't speek english look how easy it could be for you. Play a game, ask about there mother or father, they will never stop loving them and it is not your place to try to step in. Whether you like it or not your spouse will always be a part of there spouses or others life. You were not there when they thought it would work your there now so make it easy for the kids. You mat end up falling in love with them just like I did.