Topic : 05/30 "Butt Out!"

what kind of mother would disown or not talk to her own child just because she is married to someone that is not approved of? this woman definately needs to get a life.  mind her own business and grow up. I dont care what the circumstances are with the marriage. a person should be able to be with whom they choose and if it ends up being a mistake then it is a lesson learned from. I, myself, would never do that to any of my children.  never

 

 

from a very loving and accepting mother

Butt Doctor Out Phil. Have I see this before? Probley yes in Janurary of 2008, I not sure what the date or--

what the day was. See you on Friday May 30th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.--------------------

   

I think its difficult in any situation when its a custody battle. All the time couples get divorced and don't think about the CHILDREN'S feelings, and they SHOULD!
I've seen it so many times, children are upset when their parents divorce. Or even when their parents get married again. When my mom got married to my stepdad, I was happy but now I'm not. Cause I understand now.
Anyway, I've seen it with cousins, when parents get divorced and basically only have certain days they can see the kids, okay well what if the CHILD wants to see the parent? Are you just gonna deny it?
Or when the parent remarries, last month I went through it with a cousin who didn't want her mom to get remarried. She cried her eyes out at the wedding, and its because she doesn't want anybody to replace her father.
But do parents think about this? Noooooooo!


I think parents should think about childrens feelings before they do a major decision. Ask maybe what your child wants.

XOXO
Amber

I have been married for 18 years and my mother hates my husband so much that she conned us into going to another state to "be closer to her", then threw my husband out of her house and barred him from ever coming back because he "raised his voice" to me.  ( I was sick and did not want to go to the hospital).  She even started introducing me to widowers at her church.  The worst of it...she wont or cant accept that my husband is a wonderful man and the love of my life.  ( He doesnt make enough money to suit her)  I have not seen or spoken to her in over 12 months since we  left and moved back to our home in another state.  I probably did not handle the departure well...I was a coward...  I wrote a long letter to her and avoided the inevitable fight with her.  It is sad whe a family member, no matter who it is, tries to destroy a good marriage.  With a divorce rate of over 50% in this country I would think the family would be happy for a marriage that is solid.  If they insist on making you choose, and you truly love your husband, then your loyalty belongs with him.

I was dating  a man who after a while seemed to like to belittle me, as well as others he'd talk about to me (to me it seemed like cheap gossip, and despite my comments that not only had I never met any of these people and that this was inappropriate, he still didn't seem to get it.) He wouldn't come right out and call me "stupid", although he would say that such-in-such was stupid (things I would say or do.) I broke up with him around last November, but thought maybe we could still be friends.

Before Mother's day of this year, I'd been over at his house and had left some mail over there (nothing critical, but it was a DVD about a car kit I was interested in and info about it.) I'd called him and told him I'd be in the area and that if he weren't home, I could come pick it up, as I was going to be in the area anyhow. He has my cell number and yet instead of calling my cell, he called my house, several times, eventually leaving a message that he was going to drop it off. Instead of dropping it off at my home, or simply leaving it on my doorstep, which would have been fine, he went to my daughter's home and didn't ask for me, but for her. She doesn't know him, has only met him once rescently, and a few times before that (as we hadn't seen one another in years at one point until about a year and a half ago.) She'd been having problems with her ex (I'm talking nearly getting killed, restraining orders, jail-time, etc.), which my ex knew about, although never seemed too interested in listening too (amongst other things), another reason I'd broken our relationship off. Again, she didn't know who he was, and with the problems with her ex hanging around the house and having others call my home, as well as her, and the impending renewal of a restraining order for him, she simply said that no one by that name lived there. She was concerned, and for good reason about her ex.

During the day, my daughter had told me that some guy in an SUV had come by asking for her and since she didn't know him, he never mentioned my name at all, and she didn't recall what he'd looked like (AND the only other time in the last few years she's seen him was when he was coming to my daughter's to pick me up and without even knocking on the door, he walked right into her home!) I talked with him about that (Yet another reason I broke it off with him...)

I came home to a number of messages from him and put the pieces together that he'd gone to my daughter's home, unannounced, uninvited, etc. I called my daughter to tell her that it had nothing to do with her ex, but that it was mine, and I was bewildered as to why he simply didn't leave the papers and DVD on his own doorstep (OR if he was going to drive all the way up to my ouse, why he simply didn't drop it off at my place, as I'd talked about the plans I had with my family (I dunno, maybe he thought I might be there??? STRANGE!)

I called him back, as he'd left a message asking me if my daughter had moved, told me on my voice mail that it was a VERY strange experience (several times.) I told him yep! She still lived there, and he started pretty much yelling at me about how he'd gone all the way over there and "wasted $11 in gas", how he "Hates liars" and on and on about what my daughter had told him. (He apparently didn't recognize her at all either), I tried to explain to him again that she was having problems with her ex (And people he associates with), and he said he didn't want to hear anything about it. I let him ramble on and on, and not too long after this, I said goodbye. He didn't want to listen to any explanation, and wasn't interested in telling me why he didn't simply drop it off at my house. It seemed he just wanted to gripe and tell me what a bad person my daughter was (WRONG thing to do in our family! We have a VERY close family and he was definitely treading on a few nerves with me!)

About 2 weeks later, he calls my house 3 or 4 times, leaving voice messages. He told me how he was "so worried about me" (For no reason that I can tell.) When I could, I called him back, as I was busy and could not talk on the phone. He again asked why I hadn't called and told me how worried he was about me. He said a friend of his just passed away this last week-end from alcohol poisoning. (This was a red flag, as he has a history of being an alcoholic, so in my mind I'm thinking... Why is he hanging around people that are alcoholics? Is his problem back!?!) He said he blood alcohol was 4 or 5 point something, then he quickly asked when he could come by my house. I am very busy or tired, and I told him prolly in a couple of weeks. He got angry an raised his voice telling me, "You've never done THAT before!", and some other choice words and character attacks and started up with the crap about my daughter again, and about how I supposedly never once said thank you for all the times we went out to eat. (not only did I say thank you, I knew it would be hard for him to clean up his mom's house after she passed, so I cleaned a lot of it and his brother gave me a computer that he was gong to throw out, as it is older and I told him I could use it, if nothing else for parts.) When he said to me that I never once said thank you (this is after I told him that I couldn't see him for about 2 weeks or so, DUH! We are no longer dating! THEN he went off on me on the phone with his spews of anger... ONLY when he couldn't see me for 2 weeks (and I wasn't sure when afterwards, as I've moved on with my life!!!)

Then I said to him, "Oh, I'm seriously not going there!" and hung up on him as he was yelling and griping about my daughter on the phone. He immediately called back and said some rude remarks about my daughter and myself and that my hanging up shows him what type of character I have, etc. on my answering machine, so I simply blocked his number. I was tired, physically hurting from an injury, and seriously NOT in the mood to deal with someone being verbally abusive on the phone (And he's a therapist no less who works with severely disabled adults!)

I can understand someone wanting or even needing to talk to someone after the death of a friend (BTW, I've only met one (1) of his friends, and this was just rescently, we've never gone to church together, or really done much of anything I wanted to do.) We've done what he wants to do, but when there's something I'd like to do, he simply blows it off. Not meeting his friends I'd guessing has to do with all the trash talking he's done about them, and I kinda suspect he's been going out with someone else, but have never brought that up, as reguardless of what that status is, I have no desire to even communicate with someone who seems to have so many problems and when things don't go his way, he turns it into a personal attack (not just this once, but it's been a pattern over the close to a year we went out.) I simply will not put up with ANYONE verbally abusing me or anyone in my family, I severely dislike the gossip/trash talk that I heard almost every time we went to dinner and he'd spend time on his cell phone and would try to urge me to join in on how crazy someone was acting when he'd give me some scenario - I'd usually respond that he prolly doesn't know what's going on in that person's personal life (which he likely does not, as if it's not about him, his views or his ranting about someone else's 'rude', 'outrageous', etc. behavior (ANOTHER reason I broke up with him), then he doesn't want to hear it - even if it's something good going on!

When I broke up with him, I told him that we simply live in two different worlds (which is VERY true, and another reason I broke up with him), as I have hobbies that he says scare him, and he has his hobbies that frankly I'm not that interested in, which is fine, but we have SO little in common that it makes it hard to have ANY common ground.

I'm STILL confused by why he's called, not only this time, but a number of times while we were going out, and says he's "worried" about me!?! I'm fine, I let the relationship go, but him calling several times in one day (not only after his friend's death, but he's done this before, and having worked in the medical field before, I'm pretty sure the autopsy figures he gave me at least are made up, if not the entire story about his friend dying. I've never heard of "autopsy results" (as he put it) being done and released to the public that quickly. Those things usually take weeks if not a couple of months. He says he doesn't like lying, but something certainly isn't right with that, and not knowing ANY of his friends, I have no idea to even check with, and because I don't know them, I have no desire to!

My concern is him calling over and over. I did block his number from calling my house and am done with him. I've already moved on and rescently (May 2008) started another relationship with someone I really care about. It's been over six months and after this, I've come to the conclusion that we can't "Just be friends", as he is verbally abusive, seems to lack boundaries and with his past alcohol history (and I've been told he also has a mental health history), I guess I'm concerned about him trying to hang around and keep this going. I have nothing to say to him, and if he keeps calling on my cell or drops by, I'm seriously considering a restraining order.

His behavior is not compatable with mine (I rarely drink any alcohol, and if I do, I don't drink much, maybe 1-3 times ayear if that), we have little in common, his personal attack of my daughter and myself is outrageous, I suspect he has continued his alcohol use/abuse (&/or perhaps diabewtes, or perhaps he's manic-depressive and never told me???) because of his behavior, I don't want him around me, my kids, or my grand kids. We did very little together, pretty much ate, watched some football, baseball & TV and that's about it! Not much of a relationship there! AND I recall he has hardly ever been able to sit through a movie.

The one movie we did go to see he hated and I loved, so why does he keep calling me? Why doesn't he simply move on!?! He is older than me, and I can see exactly why he's single! Sure I care about him as a person, but don't *really* know him at all, or even his friends. He even gripes about his brother and says a lot of the things his brother does is stupid (His brother took care of their mom and he was pissed about that! He wanted to move her to a home against her wishes.) I don't get how some people can be SO cold! Also, I NEVER met his mother, although I offered to go over there. He talks about how his brother is smart, but does not-so-smart things (I refuse to repeat the words he used), only to discover a number of things on his brother's old HD on the computer...he's one smart cookie & I prolly have more in common with his brother than I do him. I wonder if my having similar and same interests as his brother is why he was drawn to me???

Any advise on how to get this guy out of my life if he continues to call, drops by or whatever? (Obviously I have NO problem getting a restraining order if it become severe, but at this point, it is simply a nuisance and call for concern.)  I admit I am not great at dealing with people who are mentally unstable or have substance abuse or alcohol problems. Any advise on how to have him gone peacefully and permenantly (or even prayers are appreciated, which I am a strong believer in) would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance!

Altmed

You know, asking what the child wants is just not always an option...nor should it be!

 

My children were not happy when I divorced their alcoholic father...(they were a boy, 13, a girl 8 and a girl 4.) I did not bash their father to them so they really had no idea what all was going on, nor did they understand that my leaving him was for THEIR benefit. If I had asked them what they wanted, of course they would have chosen to stay BECAUSE they knew no better, and then when they grew up in this destructive atmosphere and would have been messed up adults, they would have been angry with me for that!

 

I told them this: "I am the adult and I will make the adult decisions based on what is good for ALL of us! I know what I'm doing, and some day you will understand."  And guess what? They thank me for it today.

 

You cannot and should not put adult decisions on the backs of children....it's just too big a burden, and parents don't have the right to do that.

 

A parent needs to have the strength, courage and maturity to make those tough decisions, knowing it's the best thing to do for the good of all......you have to see the big picture. 

I didn't see the original show, but I was shocked at how similar the situation between bio-mom and the bio-father are to my situation.

 

Hearing the bio-mom say that she should have around the clock access to her children, even when they are with their father is unrealistic and disruptive.  I wish that it would have been driven home a little more firmly.   My step-children's bio-mom has or is committing every single one of the "don'ts" on Dr. Phil's list.

 

Because of her actions, we stopped fighting her.  We gave her custody of the children (we had full physical custody, and she had visitation).  We give her child support.  We rarely see or talk with the children.  My husband has done everything in his power to remain a meaningful and important part of his children and their lives.  But, the bio-mom has so marginalized my husband that they don't really think about calling him or inviting him to their activities.  We have done our best to work around the lack of information, but he still misses things because the children won't let him know what is happening in their lives.

 

Someone wrote that the children will pay for the mother's actions.  I have found that to be true.  The eldest child seems to be "okay."  But, the younger two are a terrible mess.  One of them has assaulted a school administrator, has been expelled, and is in an alternative educational setting now.  The other is failing classes and has discipline issues.  I know for a fact that both of the children are stealing their mother's cigarettes and smoking marijuana.  These two children are in junior high.

 

I read the update that STERM provided where she said that the three adults had reached an accord, but I wonder how they are doing now. 

michelle butt out these are not your kids and will never be yours. mind your damn business. They did not have these for you to be involved with. Step mom means nothing all you are is there fathers wife. you should say nothing and do nothing to interfear with them raising there kids. mind your own business michelle

I could not of said it better!! Very well said and and so true!

Amen!!!!!