Topic : 01/24 "I Want Out!"

well if a persons hit a person more then once or is trying to force someone to stay then that person is someone no one needs to be with i know because my neices boyfriends a punk and i know he trys to control her all the time plus on top of that he has hit her pushed her and also hit one of my other nieces when my niece was only trying to stick up for her sister who pregnant for one is about to have his baby i feel in the end when she has this baby my sister in law will have to take care of him because my nieces boyfriend  doesnt have a job and my niece doesnt have a job she live with my sister in law and he lives with dope feens oh and even after all this my niece still want to be with him oh and top that my ipod was stolen by him and all my dvd's were stolen by his brother or him but my niece still defense him and she say he didnt he and my niece also stole money from my dad and they stole games and money from my sister -n-law and i wish someday he gets his and i hope one day my niece wakes up and says enough with him and she leaves him so that's the reason i feel people should live together and not get married so fast.

I myself have been married for 23 years and have two kids, ages 21& 15.  My husband has a drinking problem.  He would never listen to what I had to say, whenever I wanted to talk about something that was bothering me, he would always start yelling and screaming at me.  He would go into terrible temper tantrums, screaming, yelling, cursing, and when I would try to get away from him he would chase me through the house, cornering me in a room and would hold me against my will.  He would then get out of control with jumping up and down, crying, and screaming.  If I would try and say anything it just got worse.  Many times this happened with the kids in the house.  If something was bothering me and I wanted to discuss it with him, it would always turn into a fight.  It is so lonely living with a man who does not support you or give you the right to express your feelings.  I was not allowed to feel down about anything because no matter what I was feeling, he would always have it far worse than me.  I asked him for a divorce 7 months ago. He is furious with me because he says he has changed and I still want out.  We have talked and he still doesn't understand me one bit.  After years of emotional abuse I don't love him anymore. 

Couples need to treat each other with respect, love, and really listen to the other person, before it's too late...

Hector is wrong to have hit his wife and pulled her hair and cover her face with a pillow when she was screaming at him.  I feel like though everyone is quick to blame him for that and decide that therefore she should leave him.  Consider two things first: 

1).  This is not a routine behavior on his part, he was acting out of fear of losing his wife and child.  How would any of us like it if our spouse up and left and took our kids off with another guy and we could see our kids 1st, 3rd and 5th b/c our spouse decided to look for "friendship" outside the marriage and fell in love.

2). The impact of divorce on the children should be considered as well as the impact on the couple.  Financially they are a mess.  They will have to share the debt of the Mercedes, and plastic surgery.  Hector is not going to be responsible for all of that when she leaves and takes those "assets" away from the marriage for her new man to enjoy. 

Hector, I recommend you just be a way better man than you have been in the marriage and show her the kind of husband you wish you had always been so that she wouldn't have looked elsewhere.  Put aside your anger and fear b/c she is going to make up her mind (seems made up to me) but regardless be a better man and you will have nothing to be sorry for.  You messed up (I personally don't think failing to be a romantic should end a marriage) but you had some issues of trust (you weren't trustworthy and you didn't trust her).  Why in the heck did you get her a bunch of plastic surgery?  Out of fear she would leave if she wasn't happy?  Why the Mercedes?  Do you not see she is trying to focus on how she appears outwardly and  her problems are on the inside.  She may be someone you need to let go of and whatever your divorce costs you it will be worth it, but I agree with Dr. Phil give it 90 days. 

File on her first, if you can.  I'd go ahead and get the paperwork started now and tell the lawyer to file it 90 days from now.  Nicole isn't staying dude.  I can see it in her eyes.  She has no remorse either.  She wants whatever makes her feel good and sexy.  This new guy makes her feel that way.  Over the next 90 days, get a private investigator and you be "father of the year".  Get doctor records together, write a secret journal (write everything down) and get all your financial records together.  You want to establish that you and not Nicole needs to be the primary caregiver as her need to go out with friends and carry-on with other men will stand in the way of her availability to give adequate care to your child.  I am assuming she will now be a working mom instead of a stay-at-home-mom since the other man is not going to pay her  half of you alls bills.  She is a fool if she thinks so, and the other man is a fool if he does it. 

Any man that would be with a woman that has her husband pay for all kinds of plastic surgery so she can look good then takes her clothes off with another man to feel sexy is 100 times stupider than the man who paid for the boob job, etc. in the first place. 

Nicole is a user.  I know the type.  Seen that for years, watched my brother go through it.  Hector when it is time get your divorce settlement in writing and make sure it is very detailed (you have to make your lawyer work for you).  If you cannot afford a lawyer represent yourself, get a legal student to navigate the legal library at your local law school for you and find case law for you (much cheaper than have a lawyer do nothing for you which is what they do most of the time if you happen to be male in divorce).    I wouldn't let this extortionist take my son without a fight.  Do you want to be paying child support so she can go get her hair and nails done?  I bet she spends at least $300 a month on that alone. 

NO wonder you have financial trouble.  Nicole, you can't have a Mercedes and all that plastic surgery and then expect to run around like Paris Hilton unless you have the resources that Paris Hilton has.  Grow up.  You are hugely immature.

I really hope that Nicole gets fat, because even though I think Hector may have been an  ogre husband, I think he has more chance of changing and being a good man.  Nicole is an opportunist and I don't see her changing. 

Hector, think of this as a very expensive lesson.  Don't let your anger get the best of you.  Remember, you screwed up marrying a chick like this and I bet the signs were there back then and you ignored them.  Your goal is to make sure you get as much time with your kid as possible (that means 50% or more).  You don't want to pay child support either, so when your 90 days of showing Nicole what she is going to be missing (and her 90 days of faking it) are over you are to put up the good fight against your ex.

Oh, Hector, I didn't  miss that you also cheated in your marriage.  If you aren't putting your ego aside then don't get into another relationship ever.  That was wrong, you did that so you would feel good.  Now look at what your wife did to make herself feel good.  Maybe her self-esteem was hurt by the affair, she sounded a little unstable and that could  have sent her spiraling.  Oh, see if she is not bipolar  or something while you guys are still being friends.

You'll need a jury trial my dear b/c no judge is going to take the kid from the mom who stayed home with him just b/c she screwed around.  Also, you need to have this other man checked out with a Private Eye.  Your lawyer can get her cell phone records going back as far as you want them.  Is she taking any meds? Is she mixing meds and diet pills.  How's her driving record.  I'm just telling you to get ready b/c she is leaving.  Still do your part for 90 days b/c you need to know you put your best foot forward.  Then she will spend the rest of your life trying to blame you for all of this as she is doing now.  That is typical, don't buy it.

It is in no way all your fault Hector.  It is a little bit of both that your marriage was bumpy, but all marriages have trouble.  She is the one giving up and falling in love with someone else.  That's great, your kid should be subject to go wherever her straying heart decides to go.

I absolutely hate women like Nicole.  I am not saying that Hector is perfect in all of this, but Nicole is sickening.

I would love to be able to contact Nicole and tell her that every single thing that Dr. Phil told her today is dead on.  Her story was so parallel to mine it was hard to watch.  From the control, staying home with kids, no freedom, his insecurities, having no say in finances, (I never saw a paycheck in 14 years of marriage)...the list goes on and on.  My thing was I knew if from the beginning too - but I married him anyway - he is a great guy that everyone loves,  has friends upon friends, nice looking, charming...all the things that would be consistent with a SECURE person.  Long story short - bad temper, constantly thinking I was TOO FRIENDLY with people - INCLUDING my OWN FAMILY - sent me to the point of wanting out.  Trouble is I had stayed home raising 3 amazing boys - people would look at us and always say "you have such a great life, great kids, great husband, you are so pretty...wow I wish my life was like that!"  WHATEVER!!  That is what I was thinking!  No one knows what goes on when we shut our front door.  How was I going to survive with out the money, the house, destroying my boys life...blah blah blah...but guess what????  I knew deep down that I could survive NO PROBLEM!!  What I did was get us into therapy and we went once a WEEK for 11 months!!!!  And you know what?  I learned more than I would have ever if we had just stayed home and tried to discuss things civil.  I worked so hard at what we were told to do - that is  when I realized he was never going to get it.  He even realized it.  His parents realized it - all our friends etc.  Anyway, I earned my way out - with no anger, no remorse and I have had to look at my boys, just he said today and tell them that we tried as hard as we could and we are much happier now.   The divorce process took forever, we both cried thru the final hearing, hugged and apologized with compassion.  This all has just occurred with in the last 2 years with the divorce being final in June of 2007.

My ex husband is my greatest supporter now, we kiss hello and good bye, our boys are so comfortable as are our friends.  I want to talk to Nicole and tell her to please please please take his advice - she will never know how strong she really is until you work your way out!!  Just leaving throwing your hands up and moving on will never never never give her the confidence to get into a true healthy relationship.  There is so much I would want to tell her, I am 40 years old - live in Ohio - and have made a fantastic life for myself and my boys.  I have a terrific relationship with their dad - it was not easy AT ALL but I am an empowered woman because of the work I did to get out. My  boys did not have 2 Christmas's - they had 1 with all of us together!!  Who would have ever thought??? Please tell her that I would love to talk to her and support her in the next 90 days! It will be worth it I promise. She may even find that the guy she has to leave behind - is not all she thought when she really gets to realize her own sense of self and strength!!

Thank you! I hope to hear from Nicole!!!!!!! 

Nancy said on today's show that her husband wasn't there for her when she had to "give up" there 15 week old child to have an abortion.  Shame on doctor Phil.  His only response to Nancy was "and why did you do that?" 

How about asking her why she felt so desperate to have a second trimester abortion.  Why didn't he ask her husband what part he played in the death of their unborn child?  This woman is obviously feeling very tramatized by her abortion and she is probably greiving. 

I feel it should have been discussed a little further.  These two seem like they should have never married.

Men aren't like our girlfriends whom we talk and share feelings with.  I am married for 14 years this year and my husband rarely talks about his feelings.  It is very difficult for him as he doesn't really want to feel all of those things.  He has too much on his shoulders to stop and be reflective of all these things that will ultimately bring him down.

To be perfectly honest, my husband has been so insensitive too.  I also wanted to leave him on several occasions, but then changed my mind.  I did change the dialogue with him.  I told him that he was not letting me talk and that I needed to talk to him and not someone else about my feelings.  Instead of just blaming him for my unhappiness (some of it was dissatisfaction with him) I told him how it makes me feel when he does a, b, c.  I didn't blame him for all of it b/c I realize it is impossible for him to be in charge of my happiness.  That is up to me.  I did tell him he could count on me to point it out from now on when he is being insensitive or not allowing me to talk.  No more of me leaving the room frustrated or getting into a shouting match.  I simply say "I'd like to point out that you are being really rude right now and talking over me and not allowing me to finish my thoughts. I am an intelligent and articulate woman and I'd appreciate a voice in this marriage".  He then says "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was doing that".  He has a bad habit of doing that and also of talking about himself a whole lot.  I swear I am married to the most selfish man on the planet at times.

My husband and I came up with a code (holding up one finger) when the other person was begining to get loud or talk over the other).  That meant that the other needed to tone it down.  This was met with a little resentment especially when he did it to me at first b/c I had not quite identified that the reason I often yelled was b/c of his interrupting and talking over me.  He rarely yells, but I yell b/c I get angered by his rudeness.  In counseling the focuse seemed to be on me b/c I was the yeller and the one with the temper. I was doing this b/c I had no voice at all, I felt.  We don't have to use the code anymore.  I felt  he kind of used that to his advantage b/c like I said he isn't the best listener.  But I told him recently that I am so on to how he operates and tries to control things and that isn't happening anymore.  I am taking my power back.  I though that I'd have to divorce him to get that, but I am finding we can communicate and I can show him when he is being an ogre and he may not change forever, but he will not continue with this behavior  at that point in time.  He has used this behavior to get his way like a spoiled baby and I used yelling.  It is so much better now that we can just talk to get our thoughts out.  He just had to learn not to be rude and I had to learn not to just yell at him everytime he was being a rudo jerk.  My husband is a rude jerk, I'm the first to admit that.  He is awful.  I just hope he doesn't act like that at work.  I think he must have learned this behavior from his family as his family is very messed up.  At least we are getting it worked out now.  I know he doesn't mean to be such a jerk, so that is why I can forgive and love him. He is just being defensive or trying to get his way or be right (after all he believes he is smarter than me even though we have proven this not to be true, I am 1 IQ point higher than he is, LOL).  My hubby works hard for the family and although he needs to improve in a lot of areas I am telling him more all the time what I appreciate. When it comes to getting help around the house or with the kids (he used to really fail in that area) I just tell him it would be a real gift to me if he could bathe the kids or read them their story and put them to bed.  Whatever it is I need that is how I phrase it.  Lord knows he isn't big on flowers and cards and things like that.  I often think he just isn't feeling that way b/c he is stressed and busy.  But if he can do these little things with a good attitude for me that is better than a vase of flowers on the table.

You are right couples need to treat each other with love and respect.  Women give the men respect and they will get love in return that is God's plan for us.  How is your respect toward your husband?

I don't know if what our husbands do in being so rude is really "emotional abuse"  I think that is a phrase thought up by divorce lawyers and feminist groups to make us feel better about not dealing with the communication problems in our marriages. 

Did you listen to your husband's feelings.  How is he feeling now about the divorce?  He says he has changed?  Have you given him an opportunity to show you that?  It must be very hard for him to show you if he is in a losing position already with you out the door.  I think you should work it out with him, this is a communication issue and if we can learn to speak as two year old children then we can learn to have manners and communicate better as adults. 

Have you really taken an inventory?  I think too many women leave then marry again and have the same problem with the next person b/c they didn't figure out how to communicate with each other.  So many marriages could have been saved. 

If he is addicted to something like alcohol  that is a whole other ball game.  I missed that sentence.  His first step to a healthy relationship with you and the kids is to get sober and stay sober.  That is his job and not yours. 

Once he does that, then you guys can talk about how you could better handle the problems in your marriage.  Sounds like communication problems to me.

Nicole (on the show) is different from you.  I think she just wants to feel sexy.  I think it is a shame to throw away a marriage and a child's family without really trying and if your ego is in the way you can't do that.

Your hubby needs to get the bottle out of the marriage.  That will make an insensitive man even worse, I think.  I do not like it when my hubby drinks either.  He started having a glass of wine after work and sometimes two.  I do not like that.  His parents are both alcoholics and his sister too.  I think of it as self-medicating and I take it personally (like I am that bad to be around that you have to have a drink to relax).

Good luck

I think a lasting friendship is the secret to a long marriage. 

While there has been lots of difficulty in my marriage (mostly my husband being difficult) we have managed due to our friendship.  We just like each other's company (especially if we aren't arguing).  In the past year we have learned to work on finances together instead of against each other.  That was a source of strain before.  It is a bit better now, but a little bit of resentment still lingers over how it was handled in the past, but really we were both to  blame in that.  I get discouraged when he still defends the good job he did with it (nope we got more in debt, not good, not enough saying no to ourselves).

My husband has hurt me in many ways and I am sure I have him too.  I am really good at tearing him down with my words when he has wronged me.  I want him to feel my pain  when he hurts me.  I have threatened to leave a lot of times b/c of his behavior and seflishness.  Ultimately, though I decide to stay b/c I love him and we are friends.  I think I'd have similar problems with anyone else. 

The only thing I would get with another man is the short-term payoff of hot-steamy relationship on the high of being "in-love".  But since the idea of being naked with someone else is really disturbing for me I could never do that.  So the temptation is not there for me.  Maybe the secret to a long marriage is not feeling good about yourself when you are naked (so take the plastic surgery out of the equation and Nicole and Hector would be fine).  I realize that stuff is just short-term and you are just trading in problems if you do that.

I think people are just more and more comfortable with divorce and selling out their families and giving their children less than their best.  It is really too bad.

Couples who make babies together should do everything to work it out and get all the help they can and change their toxic ways before they leave.  They should never leave for another person.  That is not a decision that can be made wisely b/c when you are with someone new it is like you are on drugs, you can't think realistically about working on the marriage or own your part in it b/c you are involved in something that gives you a feeling you don't get with familiarity.  For men or women who have to feel sexy or need their ego fed, this is very devistating they will destroy their lives over and over trying to get their high. 

Too bad.  I also think there are no morals for at least half the country these days.  More than half get divorce, I refuse to believe half of the men in the USA are just completely worthless and deserve divorce, same goes for the women.  It is clear that people just do what they feel like doing and don't try.

Divorce should be stigmatized more and not as easy to get.  I think  a divorc tax is a way better idea than the marriage tax.  I also don't believe the child support should be automatic.  I think if women weren't rewarded with 20-40% of their husband's income for stealing their kids and running off with another man that makes them "happy" then they would think twice before just dumping a marriage.  Perhaps they should at least not get child support for the first year or before the divorce is finalized. 

I am sick of to death of women leaving their husbands b/c they are "not happy" and they find someone else to screw. 

I see that Nancy yells and stuff, but Sean seems like an insenstive jerk.  He has an attitude like his dooky doesn't smell.  I think he needs to grow up.  Nancy seems like she wants to just be loved as a wife instead of treated like a prison warden.

I don't want to see any kid not seeing both parents unless one parent is really dangerous.  I can see why Nancy would feel that way though b/c he is destroying the marriage so why should he get to take the baby for even half the time. 

Sean is worthless as he is right now. He is blaming Nancy and playing mr cool emotions here.  But he isn't  stepping up. 

I didn't like she got an abortion.  Yikes.  That is absurd to kill an unborn child b/c your husband is a flake.  That doesn't prove he is unfit.  He told her to have an abortion of his child?  If he really did that then he has no heart.  That she will carry the burden of that forever.  Nancy forgive yourself for the abortion, you are just way over stressed and abortions are far too easy to get.  I am not for abortion and think it is just not right for the circumstances you describe as your life was not threatened.  But at any rate, you need to forgive yourself for not thinking that through and being able to focus on the real problem with you and Sean.

I think he is pretty smug and immature in his attitude.  Nancy is overreacting in her emotion with Sean.  Sean talks over her on the show, so i guess this is why it ends up with yelling.

You guys are both pointing fingers so I don't think they will be able to work it out b/c of that.  Too bad Sean is not mature enough to realize he is total jerk in all of this. 

You'll have to share the kids and stop the blaming.  Don't worry Nancy, he'll be paying plenty for not making things work with  you.

Nicole,

Hector can pay for your jowels to be pulled back (b/c you are starting to get some) and also you still haven't had him take care of your neck fat.  I think you should at least have that taken care of while he is still coughing up for it and get that fixed.  Then you will have a chance to get an even shallower piece of crap than you are screwing around with right now.

YOu didn't want to be treated right or you wouldn't have married Hector who needs to learn a little bit about how to be a man and it is not by spending a lot of money on cars and surgeries to the point he cannot afford all those little things you wanted (cards, gifts, etc.). 

Get real woman.  You aren't going to be able to keep the lifestyle you are enjoying and stay home after your divorce.

You sit there with a nose job, eye job, and boob implants and liposuction and bitch that Hector ruinned your finances.  I've seen this before.  When the gift horse can't give anymore to keep you happy you are ready to move on.  I think this is a self-esteem issue with you.  You'd rather be the other woman getting gifts from a man who is not committed to you than to stick it out with your husband who does truly love you. 

Hector has some growing up to do, but no less than you do my dear.  We don't go into marriage with an instruction manual it is hard but the worst thing to do is go looking outside it for a "friend" and then end up in bed with that  person.  Now your judgement is tainted.

It sounds like Hector heard your complaints of not being romantic enough and tried to do those things for you, but you are saying "too little too late".  That isn't fair.   You need to give this marriage a chance and Hector is getting the picture now that he has to grow up.  You may not like it when he stops jumping through  hoops and getting things he cannot afford to make you happy.

Your kids look so happy.  There must be problems there, but it would be so sad to see these sweet looking boys go between mom and dad and  have step parents in the middle.

Nicole, you won't like it when Hector gets a new woman.  You won't like that b/c your boyfriend is not going to be around anymore and Hector is going to be on the "drug" you are on now. 

Don't leave.  Commit to your family and reap the rewards of that.  Your husband has given the way he knew how and yes he screwed up a few times, but you did too. 

Hector can be what you deserve.  You both need help to be the adults you need to be for your kids and you won't regret it if you both just grow up and make your marriage and family a priority. 

Nicole you are very prett on the outside.  You need to pretty up the inside now.  You aren't as pretty on the inside since you are sleeping around with a married man.  That is not okay.  Not only messing up your family but someone elses. 

Nicole, if you don't stop this behavior I'm going to wish you to be FAT!!!!  Hahaha!!!  I bet that scared you.  LOL