Topic : 01/24 "I Want Out!"

Nancy, if you read these message boards, I want to give you some advice.  First of all, I totally agree with Dr. Phil, this marriage is over.  I see your marriage so much like mine was.  My first marriage was ended when our daughter was about the same age as your daughter.  He was an alcoholic and I am glad I got my daughter and myself out of that marriage.  My second marriage reminds me exactly of this marriage.  My second marriage lasted 24 years.  Most of the marriage was in severe conflict, which severely impacted our children.  If you will notice about Shaun - on the show he stated, "She got pregnant", which is a statement that Nancy got pregnant by herself, as if he had no part of it.  Shaun is in a lot of denial.  Nancy says she recently had an abortion, aborting their second child.  The same thing occurred in my first marriage, and my physician recommended an abortion because the marriage was impacting my health and our unborn fetus, and the doctor stated I had a daughter in the world and life was going to be difficult enough.  He was absolutely right.  I aborted that second baby, and it took nearly seven years to recover from that.  Nancy will know what I am talking about, as any woman who is faced with that horrible decision.  My issue here is:  Shaun does not care about Nancy, and he obviously has some serious issues.  In the video I noticed Shaun is sitting down while Nancy is standing, very upset.  Shaun keeps his voice down and appears very calm.  This is what I think is occurring.  My second marriage was identical to this behavior.  I was the one made out to be a lunatic, while my husband appeared to be the victim.  It took 24 years for me to realize he was pushing my buttons to get me to yell and act like a lunatic, while he appeared calm and the victim.  One day, toward the end of our marriage I decided to not react the way I had always before.  Instead of reacting to my husband, I picked up a book and went out to the deck, and sat down.  Almost instantly my husband began ranting and raving and pacing.  He lost control of me for the first time.  I did not react the way he had always gotten me to react and it threw him out of control.  That was the beginning of the end.  I tried discussing with him that our marriage was over.  He would agree and then the next day he would return home from work, and butter up to me and say he wanted to try at our marriage again.  NO kidding, this went on for many years.  I finally filed for divorce.  Men who conduct themselves as Shaun does, with the cool and calm approach is an attempt to make themselves look like the victim.  Nancy needs to get out of the marriage as soon as possible.  The marriage IS over!  For the sake of Nancy's sanity and for the well being of their daughter, one or the other needs to file for divorce and end this marriage.  Do NOT use this child as a pawn!  Many parents use their children to get back at the other partner.  DO NOT DO THAT!  It is not fair to the child(ren), ever.  Just get a divorce and end the marriage.  People should not ever end being a parent.  Children love their parents.

Hector sowed cheating by cheating first. (I am not condoning Nicoles behavior - just pointing out what he planted and what he harvested).

Hector sowed cheating by treating her like she cheated before she did.

Hector sowed cheating by tearing her down with his mean words and actions.

Hector sowed cheating by cheating before marriage and after marriage FIRST.

It is a silly thing for a man to think that he can cheat on his wife and thus SOW cheating and NOT REAP CHEATING.

Just because someone does not believe in biblical principles does not mean that they are not real. Just because somebody does not believe in gravity does not change the fact that they will bust open their head if they jump from a 10 story window because gravity does indeed exist.

Many times when a man thinks a woman is going to cheat, especially a macho man, then he cheats first as he does not want to be mad the fool and he is so busy projecting what is in himself onto her. It was revealed that he treated like she cheated when she did not.

You can have the smartest child or pet in the world but if you treat it like it is stupid, it will be stupid. You can have the most alive plant in the world, but if you treat it like it is dead by neglecting to water it and fertilize it, then it will sure enough die.

If both parties do not have a strong relationship with Jesus - not religion but relationship - then once the cheating poisoned one unsaved heart it will poision the victim to become a cheat as well. I have only seen woman chose not to cheat after they have been cheated on when they have a STRONG relationship with Christ.

Why? Because a strong relationhip with Christ means that obeying Jesus (do not commit adultery) is more important than reacting emotionally to what their husband has done to them. Without Christ, it is very easy as a human to ride the emotions and get revenge.

With Christ and a deep relationship where you abide in Christ, he enables people to wait to have sex until marriage, not have an affair if you are cheated on, and to not get involved with someone while you are still married. It is out of respect for 1st Christ and then yourself.

Christ bought us at a great price and he loves us dearly. And if Nicole understood how much Christ loved her, really loved her than this would give her the strength to stop having sex with the lover and to decide what to do with her marriage. Since they commited adultery on each other, they can divorce in God's eyes.

I will be praying for salvation for both Hector and Nicole as well as Shaun and Nancy. I hope that any Christian who read my post will join with me in praying for salvation for all 4 of these people and that the blinders that the prince of the world has put on their eyes will be taken off of them.

If Nicole, Nancy, Shaun, and Hector read this:

To the ladies - go to Joyce Meyer's website and look into buying her book set, dvd, workbook (used at Amazon for just a few bucks) or new on her site called Beauty for Ashes it is all about dealing with abuse and getting true healing and freedom as Joyce has been through a lot at the hands of her father and then her first husband.

To the men - see if Creflo Dollar, Td Jakes, or Jimmy and Karen Evan's resources online are of interest to you.

To all: Joyce Meyer, Jimmy and Karen Evans, and the Copelands offer free monthly magazine if you sign up on their website that address relationship stuff as well as all kinds of other areas.

One biblical promise is that you will lose all your wealth if you spend your time with harlots (or are a harlot) so even if you are not a believer, this spiritual law will apply. Men usually care about success and wealth so the bible promises that if you believe and obey and search after wisdom (lots can be found in Proverbs) than you have long life, wealth, riches, and abundance (since Jesus died to give us abundance and freedom).

We will reap what we sow. It is a very simple spiritual law. If you plant apples, you get apples. If you plant infidelity in a relationship, then you get infidelity back. In the case of Hector, he planted it, he got it back.

Of course, nasty things like infidelity happen to people who are faithful and this is not their fault. We live in a fallen world and will face trials and tribulations that will test our maturity and emotions.

So with that said:

If you cheat, don't be surprised or act like a hypocrite if your spouse does it back especially if they are not saved or a really strong Christian. It is not easy to stay faithful for a lifetime to someone who cheated on your first.

If you have been an innocent victim of infidelity, then it was a nasy thing [from Satan allowed into your life to tempt you to harbor hate and unforgiveness because that puts you in a bondage. The devil uses people closest to us to hurt us - a Judas experience. Even Jesus, has a Judas (betrayer) and a Peter (denied him 3 times) among his closest discipiles.

Get strong with Jesus so that you are not reduced to the lower level of retaliation and seek resources that will not only address symptoms and habits but that will address the spiritual aspect of you as well. I knew a pyschologist and professor who said that no modern psychology that he had as his disposal could change a character defect. Only a true relationship with Jesus can change that permanently.

God bless all who read this.