Topic : 02/04 Dirty Little Secrets

If you are dating a man (or woman) in his (or her) 30s or 40, then they will have either never been married and dated many people or have lived with a few people or they will have a marriage or several behind them with several children.

It would be naive to meet a man who was 35 and believe him if he said he was never married, never lived with someone, and did not have any children. Lets add that he is a virgin (most of the time that would definately be a lie even if the person is in high school the way the world is today). Those people are very few and far beween.

Of course, seperated is NOT divorced. And many times, a person who is lying tells their date that they are divorced, when they are seperated. Or they say they are seperated, when they are marriage.

There is a person named Dave777 on another board who was very angry with me because I told him that the woman he was living with was not divorced because she was still married to a man I knew who desperately wanted her to sign the divorce paper. That same woman told my husband in a bar that she was divorced and I called her husband (my husband's friend) and asked and she was lying.

So cheaters tend to lie to their spouses, lovers, children, family, and friends. Oh, and also to their church, pastors, and counselors too. And especially wicked & nasty ones will call the victim of their abuse & cheating crazy and lie about them & try to ruin their reputations.

The one sure thing is that helps if you have been cheated on is to forgive so that you can be released from bitterness. And forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Just like if you are molested or raped, you can forgive the person but chose to never be around them or chose to have your children around them.

Always make sure you are right with God (Jesus) and pray about finding the next person. We live in a fallen world. Picking men is like picking stocks, you can read all the information and crunch all the numbers, but still end up losing money. People have free will and people can change for the better or worse. You can marry someone and find out many years later that they have some serious unresolved issues that they were hiding or denying or maybe they were so unhealthy that they did not even realize it was not normal to begin with. I knew what was "not normal or healthy" as a child because I had more good role models than bad, my husband was surround by "unhealthy" so he does not have a good solid foundation on what is right and wrong, acceptable or not, normal or unhealthy.

OTFLMAO!!!!  U CRACKED ME UP   Good Lord ! Can't people be nuts? I don't think I would have the time or  the energy to have 15 sex partners. That ole gal has too much time on her hands. Crap, that's just

a bunch of crazy BS, and I don't believe for one second that what she's doing has anything to do with anything that has happened to her. If that were the case, all of gals that didn't have such a great childhood would all be hookers!

Your's is so similar to my experience; I lost at least a decade of my life.  Yes, I am forgiving and trusting and giving which is why I tried so hard to stick with it and not leave.  But you're right: it was enabling and as Oprah would say, "Nobody mistreats us unless we allow them to."

My ex also professed to be a believer--didn't do the minister route but did play "deacon" for a bit-all the while hiding his real self.  Thanks for replying--I wish you the best, too.

No Joke I agree.....If all of us had to have sex because of something bad that has happened to us

we would all be hookers!!

First, I just want to say why did we waste our time or Dr. Phil's on Kristina and Lee?  While I feel sorry for her situation, does it justify counseling for her "marraige"?  She just needs to get on with her life.  Bad choice to trust him.  Learn from it. 

I just finished reading the message boards.  I cannot believe some of the attitudes people have.  I agree with most of you.  Sherry did not tell the whole story.  I do not believe she was raped.  If she was, I feel for her.   No...absolutely not rape is not your fault.  Why does she keep putting herself in that situation?  Wouldn't you think she would be a little more cautious?  I also don't believe she has a mental illness or a sexual addiction.  Sexual addiction is a bs term....you are just horny.  I do believe that Raymond needs a divorce.  Having her affairs thrown in his face like that is bs, too.  We obviously can see who has the balls in that relationship.

Most of you go on and on about how cheaters suck.  You are right. Most do. But every situation is different.

This being said...

I cheated on my husband.  I am not proud of it, but honestly, I don't regret it. I am not going to say "I wish I could be a committed wife, blah, blah."  This is my 2nd marriage.  I swore I would only marry once.  So before this marriage, we sat down and talked about expectations, etc.  I thought I found Mr. Perfect who would love me for me.  We had a good, active sex life for about the first year and a half.  Suddenly, he stopped having sex with me.  I kept trying.  I also tried talking to him about it.  Finally, after a year passed and many fights later, he told me he wasn't attracted to me. I was too fat.  I was devastated.  I gained weight because I had two children in 26 months.  I couldn't believe he was so shallow.  When we met, I was a size 20.  When he told me this I was a size 26.  Before I married him,  I had no problems with self esteem, self confidence, nothing.  Now I am a mess.  My self image is zero.   I lost 80 pounds since then.  We still don't have sex.  So needless to say, I stepped out.  I did tell him about one affair.  We split for a while, then got back together for the kids.  Things were ok for about 3 months.  Now we are just roommates.  I don't go looking for it, but sometimes the opportunity arises.  I don't always have sex.  I flirt for an ego boost.  Just to make myself feel good.  Some of you say selfish, I don't agree.

I am a GREAT mother, I keep a good house, and I am a good friend. I am good person with a good heart.   But I am also a woman. I never thought I would be in this situation.   As far as those of you who have a "wonderful husband with great kids and the fabulous golden retriever": Go on wheel of fortune.  No, Just kidding.   Good for you, I am happy for you.  But until you know the WHOLE story, have some compassion.  Don't be so quick to judge.  And don't be so catty.   

Marriage is one of the most, if not the most important relationship one will enter into in his life. When the LORD created the woman from one of the ribs of the man, and brought the woman to Adam, the bible records these words: And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh (Genesis 2:23-24). The idea of becoming "one flesh, (figurative)" in the marriage relationship shows the absolute completeness of the union. This union is a sexually intimate attachment (of which the sin of fornication is avoided) to one another as well as being of one mind and judgment in regards to loving and providing for each other for a lifetime. Such should be done according to God's standard (not man's) of right and wrong (Proverbs 14:12, I Peter 3:1-7). However, in many sad cases, this holy union is abused, and the will of God for them is neglected, which results in "divorce". So, what does God have to say about this?

In Malachi 2:16, the LORD expressly says that He hates divorce (New King James Version). Divorce, which in most cases is the result of unfaithfulness or lack of commitment from one or both partners, is hostile to the very nature of God, who is faithful in all things (Deuteronomy 7:9, I Corinthians 1:9; 10:13, I Thessalonians 5:24). There is one exception to God accepting the divorcing of a spouse, which I will now speak about.

In Matthew 19:1-9, Jesus, is speaking to the religious leaders (Pharisees) of His day and His disciples about what God's will is concerning the marriage covenant. In reverting back to God's original plan for marriage, He put to rest a lot of the opinions that was prevelant during that time concerning the bases of divorce (vers. 3-6), which was for just about any reason. So, particulary in ver. 9 of this chapter, Jesus sets boundaries for divorce by saying: And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. The "putting away" here refers to divorce, and so is translated in th New King James and New American Standard Versions. So, we can see that Jesus says that there is only one exception for divorce, and that is sexual infidelity (fornication) by one's spouse. A divorce, which is done on any other bases, doesn't severe the union in God's eyes (despite society saying it's valid), and to enter into a new relationship would constitute an adulterous relationship. The one who divorced his partner because of his sexual infidelity is the one with the authority to remarry in this instance.

When one finds out that he is in an adulterous relationship, what should he do? The bible makes it clear that God will judge those who are committing adultery ( I Corinthians 6:9-10, Hebrews 13:4). Just as with other sins, the only option one has is to repent, which is having a change of mind about your sins, which results in a change of conduct. Ending the affair may be very difficult, but the LORD promises that your repentance and you giving your life to Him for Heaven's sake will be much greater than anything you have to give up in this life (Roman 8:18, 2 Corinthians 4:17, Philippians 1:23). Also, in repentance, one should seek reconciliation with his first spouse (which is the one God truly recognizes). If this isn't possible, he has to remain celibate in his obedience to God (I Corinthians 7:10-11).

Also, I will note that the bible makes it clear that a marriage covenant is ended when one of the partners die (Matthew 22:30, Romans 7:I-3, Corinthians 7:39). This also gives one the eligibility to remarry without his relationship being adulterous.

When reading this, one may think that God's law on marriage, divorce, and remarriage is pretty "strict". Jesus and His disciples would agree with you (Matthew 19:10-12). However, His law on this subject being "strict" reflects the absolute beauty and holiness of marriage. These are only a few of the many passages that speak of the blessedness of being married (Proverb 5:18-19; 18:22; 19:14, Hebrews 13:4). In most cases, the problem comes in when one has married for the wrong reasons and previously missed all the marital red flags, and excused their mates by saying, "marriage will change things for the better". You can check out an article by Wayne Jackson entitled: "Foolish Reasons for Getting Married" at www.christiancourier.com Also check out one written by Mark Dunagan called: "Marital Red Flags" at www.beavertonchurchofchrist.net .

In concluding, it is always my prayer that one can not only have a happy marriage, but live for God in all things.  You would be supremely blessed by the LORD, if you believe in Him, seek Him, and obey Him (Mark 16:16; Acts 2:38; Hebrews 5:9; 11:6). If there are any questions about this, please respond back. If it is the case that I can't answer your question "definitively", I can direct you to others who can help you.

Thanks For Your Time

       I SAY IT'S MORE EASIER TO ASK A WOMAN OUT WENT YOUR NOT SERIOUS AND PRETEND TO BE SOMEBODY ELSE . THAT IS WHY ALOT OF THOSE LYERS AND LOOSER MAN HAVE ALOT OF WOMAN AND ARE NEVER ALONE.

I can relate to this show alot. My husband and I were married for 26 years. I lost him in October 07 and there are so many things that I needed to tell him that I no longer have  a chance to. He found out before he  got sick that  I had an affair and it made getting through his sickness so hard and it still does. After he found out I tried to talk to him about it. I told him over and over that I was sorry and if he wanted me to leave I would we never got that chance. He died 2 months later. All I can say is I have learned the very very hard  way not to keep anything from your partner nothing at all.If you are not happy and things are not what you want them to be then leave and get a divorce keeping secrets is not worth it not to anyone.  And if  I get the chance to find someone else in my life that ment as much as he did I will never keep any secrets from them.

My daughter and I were in the audience yes, however we did not belittle Lee.

This show was Lee's idea and he knew what he was in for, perhaps it was therapeutic for him.

Lee was in our family for 6 years, I grew to be quite fond of Lee and he I.  After this show was done

we did hug and I told him I hoped the best for him.

We are not a vindictave bunch and we knew Lee had ongoing problems with depression, heck who dosen't these days.

Kristina's  mom

Forgive me for perhaps seeming stereotypical here... But did anyone else find Lee to be a bit gay? I noticed several homosexual qualities - if you will - in him. His demeanor reminded me of several of my gay friends, whom by the way, I work with and am very close with. From choosing his profession in the arts, to being completely (what seems to be) uncomfortable in sexual relationships with women. I COULD BE WRONG - but perhaps this could explain why he jumps from not only just girlfriend to girlfriend, but from wife to wife. It seems to me the poor guy is trying to talk himself out of it - denial, if you will. The pain of who he really is was written all over his face!!! I believe it goes deeper than just solely being a 'compulsive liar'. In my opinion - for whatever that matters - he doesn't even know who he is! He is not only telling lies, but what seems to be living a lie. As a mother of 2, it is BEYOND ME how a parent can deny and lie about having a child. Perhaps he was fantasizing about a life he wishes he had - perhaps a gay lifestyle with no kids - when he told those lies. I have a good friend who 'came out of the closet' to his wife and teenage son a number of years back. He is so happy now, so free, and so comfortable in his own skin. Lee, for that sake was not. His wife, friends, and/or family may disagree with my opinion on him - but just because he seemed to behave as a real 'ladies man' creating children with women, does not make for a straight man. It may make for a very confused man (ESPECIALLY SINCE HE MARRIED ALL OF THESE WOMEN!! Why not just date them??). Also, by saying he wants his wife back, and wants her to stay with him, seems to me to just take the easy road out for him - which does appear to be his nature. Put a band-aid on it, and it will go away. I don't think he wants to, or is looking forward to finding himself, although I believe he already knows exactly who he is. A gay man. It's just like that New Jersey politician - that's what Lee reminds me of...

I think Dr. Phil was bang on when he suggested Lee get to know himself. I feel for Lee, and obviously for his wife and those he lied to, but his pain seemed so torturous. I really think he is gay.