Topic : 02/05 The Dr. Phil House: Rules of Engagement

What is considered cheating?  I am getting married in 7 months to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs. We have a great relationship with your average problems...until now. Yesterday I caught him sending erotic text messages to other girls. Is this wrong? He said he was trying to get turned on and this was a quick fix. I just don't see it that way. I consider myself an open person. I have no problems with him talking to ex-girlfriends, hanging out with friends who are girls, could care less if he watches porn, and I even let him go to strip clubs. So by allowing him all this trust did I actually screw myself? He has been very open and honest from the beginning admitting to me he has cheated on previous girlfriends. He also says he thinks guys are not meant to be monogamous and they have some "gene" that allows them to separate sex from love/emotion. To me this is pure bullshit. Now I am confused as what to do or think. A part of me wants to cut off all his access with other girls (at least for now) but at same time I don't want to be one of those controlling wives. Yes he did not physically cheat on me, but I still feel betrayed. Plus if he can do this what is to say he won't do more in the future (like actual cheating).

When this all came out he appeared genuinely sorry. But how do I know if he is truly sorry or just sorry he got caught. Also he knew from the very beginning I thought this kind of stuff was wrong and did it anyway. He said the reason he hid it was because he knew I would get mad. So it's not like we never discussed this kind of thing before. At one time or another I had point blank asked him if he ever cheated on me in any way (and even listed this as an example) and he denied it. His whole argument is that he was drunk and that it meant nothing. He also uses the guys can separate sex from emotion excuse. Finally he throws the trust issue back in my face.

To keep the story at full disclosure I had been deceitful to him. I have a huge money issue. I tend to spend way more than I have. For a while there he was paying for our mortgage, food, and whatever else while all my money was to go towards my bills. However I was still charging things and lying to him about it. Finally I recognized I had a problem and came clean. That was in July and I have still made some slips ups along the way. November was the last major time. And I came clean again. Key word...came clean...I did not get caught. Since this last event I willingly gave him full access to my bank account and credit cards to monitor my spending. I have a long way to go but I know what I did was wrong and realize how it can have a huge impact on our future. So in a way I understand how he compares the two but on the other I see differences. First I came clean, he got caught. Second this is an issue of not only trust but commitment and fidelity. Third mine can be monitored, but how can I control who he messages. All he has to do is make sure he deletes it next time.

I really don't know what to do or where to go from here. He did delete the two girls phone numbers and their myspace profiles. What is even worse is these are girls he knows. Not just some random person. When I told him I didn't want him talking to either one, his response was ok but for how long. How long?? Is he serious? I didn't ask him how long he would be monitoring my money. He also said I need to decide about the wedding because he doesnt want to waste time or money planning. Yeah thats true, but wouldn't the appropriate response be more about fear of losing me. Not losing money.

He is by nature a flirtatious guy who loves attention. I have had my concerns with how he behaves when drunk (i.e. throwing things down girls shirts, touchy/feely) but he has always told me I am reading too much into it. Now I can't help but wonder if my gut was right and he does take things too far.

I would just appreciate any thoughts/advice at this point. He won't go to a therapist. He says he is sorry and won't do it ever again. So how do I believe him and move on. Also am I just overreacting?

-Hurt, confused, and anything else that fits

I agree with everything you said.It sure doesn't make the divorce statistics get better to see these potential mates! I think they all need to grow up and shut up and get off the high- horse they are on.

These couples are so consumed with competition with the other couples.  They are more concerned with "winning" the competitions (shopping, tire changing, parlor game) than in fixing what's wrong with their own issues.  So another couple cheats during the competitions.  Who cares?  Why is couple A worried about what couple B, C and D do?  Couple A should be concentrating on fixing couple A and not worrying about couples B, C and D.  They're all missing the point.  None of them should be married to anyone until they grow up and realize what's important in life.

 "Not officially engaged because they can't afford a ring"??

What's the ring got to do with it?  My parents couldn't afford a ring, either, but they sure didn't consider themselves "not officially engaged".  Mom still doesn't have an engagement ring after 32 years of marriage.  My father offered to get her one for their 25th anniversary but she decided it was a moot point; they'd been through so much that an official engagement ring didn't even register on the list of things that make a marriage meaningful.

My brother couldn't afford a ring and my SIL refused to accept a diamond.  He got her a $25 silver ring as a compromise.  She's never taken it off.  It doesn't have to be a major expenditure.

Kids, it's not the ring that counts; it's the commitment.  Real commitment doesn't need to ring to advertise itself, and if you don't have the commitment, the ring is just a piece of metal.  Step #1 of "growing up": You don't need the bling.  That goes double if you've got a baby on the way; the money ought to go there and not for trimming.

 He's feeding you a line.  Talk this out NOW, and don't marry him until you do.  Get counseling if you have to (for yourself, at least, if he refuses to participate).

No guy who truly loves you will be flirting with other girls and sneaking messages behind your back.  That's an excuse made by immature twerps who aren't ready to be adults. 

Why don't people use common sense any more?

 

If a person doesn't like to be nagged, then put a stop to it.  When you're asked to do something, then do it, don't cause the person to keep asking you to do something.

 

Example, if a wife ask her husband to do something, such as take the trash out, or clean the floor, whatever the chore is, then the husband's need to do whatever their wives ask the to do the first time your wife ask, don't keep her asking you over and over again and again, Doesn't it make sense to just do it the first time you are asked to do something and the nagging would stop? Wake up people.  Like Ty Pennington says, and the slogan for NIKE shoes; "Just do it".

 

You'd both be much happier and I think Robin would agree with me.

 

 

text messages? wow are you going to be able to give this guy all the attenchion you say he loves? maybe you two should seek dr phils advice and help before you say I DO, once you say it its too late to worry about it!! be sure this is what you want, don"t marry for the love of money, marry for the love of your heart only, if you do this every thing troubleing you will seem to vanish as time passes,do not play second fiddle to a tex message tho, make him chouse eather you or his cyber sex partner, he cant have both and make you feel truly loved!!

I would really like to see more happen in one program. I understand the reason for these games but I thought they were a waste of time. So much more work with the couples could have been shown. It is hard to follow this show until the next time this airs.

 I think if you married this guy you'd make a huge mistake.He disrespects you something terrible with his obsession with other women. Talking dirty to them IS cheating! Ask most women. They will tell you the same thing.He knows it's wrong or he wouldn't hide it. As far as the 'men's cheating gene' he WISHES there was one so he'd have an excuse to be a dog! No, you aren't perfect either but you can't put the problems in the same category, either. Overspending does NOT equal infidelity! Drunkeness is NOT an excuse for cheating. This guy know the 'basic handbook of cheaters' They are all the same and they all make the same claims. My EX husband used to hand me the same pathetic lines and I was too young and naive to know any better, and in my day, we didn't have Oprah, Dr. Phil or the internet. Don't take my word ALONE for this. I bet there are some really smart women here who will tell you something similar.

I feel the same as you do on this program. I would rather see them get to work. First one on one. The groups just gave them more frustration. The cheating was not addressed and made me frustrated just think how the others felt. I am tired of this show doing this. I felt that I might learn something but it just ended with nothing being finished. I don't have time to follow this except online but not sure I will.