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Topic : 07/24 Behind Closed Doors

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Created on : Friday, February 08, 2008, 12:21:46 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 02/13/08) When people think of sexual predators, they often envision a pervert wearing a trench coat walking the streets. But research shows that a family friend, helper or relative is often the person who victimizes innocent children. Heidi was sexually molested by her stepfather, John, for 12 years. Her mother, Susan, knew it was happening because she walked in on an attack when Heidi was 9, but she stayed with her husband for years after, even as the molestation continued. When Dr. Phil confronts Susan, will she apologize to her daughter? After two decades and years of mental anguish, will Heidi receive answers from her mother? The sparks fly as mother and daughter go head to head. Will they heal their wounds and reunite? Then, the man who Heidi accused of molesting her joins the show. Find out what he reveals and why Dr. Phil doesn't believe him. And, why does Heidi say she has more respect for her abuser than her mother? The twists and turns in this story will shock you. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.


 
zandgsmom
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July 23, 2008, 10:30 am PDT

A long time coming

I am 28 years old and for over half my life I've been trying to vent the things I lived through but couldn't find the words or a forum.  I came to this board today and read the accounts (I won't call them stories because that is what it was called everytime I told) of all of you beautiful women who have found the voice to talk.  My mother moved my brother and I in with our stepfather in March of 1989.  Just a few weeks after my ninth birthday.  My brother was 8.  My stepfather was a local police officer and EMT.  Well respected in the community with a nice house and income.  Something we hadn't had before.  To this day I can remember my amazement at walking into the kitchen and opening cabinets and the fridge and there being FOOD there.  Milk in jugs cold from the grocery and not mixed up powder in a pitcher.  Meat that came from the freezer and not a commodity can.  It was like being at my grandma's house where it was all good and free for anyone to eat.  I remember looking up at this man who I thought at the time was a superhero and asking with tear filled eyes if I could have a can of soda all my own.  He kneeled down and said "baby you can eat or drink anything you want and as much of it as you  please.  you will never go hungry again."  I thought OMG!  this is such a change from my mother's first husband (who had adopted me he was my brother's father) who sold the foodstamps the state allotted us for money to buy pot and would take us to grandma's at least twice a week where we'd get a full meal.  I threw my arms around his neck crying thanking him telling him I'd be a good girl and not make noise when he slept and get good grades.  I thought this was our salvation.  He was true to his word and made sure there was always good food in the house, clothes new clothes on our backs, for the first time ever I had a winter coat I didn't share with my brother, a bed room of my own and little things like shampoo were such a big deal to me.  My mother gave birth to my baby sister in April 1990.  She planned a wedding to my stepfather in September of that year.  Things were amazing.  When school let out for the summer in May of 1990 I called my aunt and uncle in Ft Campbell KY where he was stationed although at the time it was just my aunt and cousins in the house because my uncle was deployed to Iraq fighting in Operation Desert Storm.  I stayed the whole summer with them (I'd done this my entire life) until August when I went home to prepare for school and the upcoming wedding.  I was so excited to see my brother, my baby sister, and my older soon to be stepbrother as well as mom and new stepfather.  I got home that day and put my stuff away, played with my baby sister who seemed to grow so much in that amount of time.  When bed time came my brothers fell asleep in my older brother's bedroom playing with one of those toy wrestling rings and wrestlers.  My mom took the baby and they went into my parents room and were soon asleep.  My stepfather who I still had hero worship for invited me to sit in his lap and watch a movie with him.  I can still remember the smell of fabric softener on my strawberry shortcake nightgown, clutching the little girl quilt my grandma made me at birth, climbing into his lap.  For a while he talked to me about my trip and told me how much they all missed me and how glad he was his little girl was home.  We settled in to watch an old ford fairlane movie.  He had his arms around me and I could feel one hand on my knee.  It didn't really startle me since he was always so affectionate and I craved that.  Before I knew it his hand was in my little girl panties............they were day of the week and the day was Saturday.  I didn't know what to do!  No one had ever talked to me about good and bad touching and what to do. I only knew that it felt "icky" and I didn't like it but was afraid to ask him to stop.  Eventually he stopped on  his own and sent me to my bedroom.  I didn't sleep that night.  The next day it was as though nothing had happened.  I didn't know how to tell my mother and she was so busy with this wedding.  The weeks wore on and nothing else happened but I had changed.  My usual chatterbox was quiet, I didn't want to play outside.  With four kids in the house one of them not even a year old I guess mom didn't notice.  They were married in September.  Time wore on and still I withdrew and didn't say a word until one night on a room check (making sure we kids kept them clean and all) my stepdad pulled a tote from under my bed full of the food I'd been hiding.  Nothing that would rot.  Crackers, jars of peanut butter, and such, afraid of being hungry again.  He was going to spank me and my mother wanted to know why I am doing this.  SO I TOLD.  I told how I was afraid he'd touch me again and that I wouldn't be allowed to eat.  I'd no longer have that priveledge.  He and she packed me into the car and took me to the hospital where I was examined (torture to a ten year old girl) and the doctor said there were signs that something had happened but could have been caused by active play.  My mother called me a liar and I was making things up.  It was the first beating I recieved for this from her.   I was asked why I'd want to tear apart my new life and hurt such a good man and I was to hug, kiss, and apologise to him.  We went home.  Things went back to "normal" but I guess her reaction told him that he could get away with molesting me.  By the time I was 12 it was full blown rape in the middle of the night with whispers of you will not tell, mom will not believe you, no one will believe you.  I was cut off from my summer visit with my aunt out of fear I'd tell and SHE WOULD BELIEVE ME.  It wasn't until I was almost 15 that my older brother (my stepdad's son) 18 at the time walked in and screamed the house down with "Dad stop you are  hurting her" beating on my mother's closed and locked door.  She couldn't ignore it or call me a liar with my brothers standing there calling the police.  The same police he worked with.  Only one believed me.  After investigation, the police hiding him for weeks, and behind doors deals with lawyers I still do not know what he was charged with but served only 18 months in a minimum security detention center where my mother visited him weekly and lived off his trust in his house.  I was subjected to random beatings for destroying our life.  When he was released he moved right back in.  I locked my door from the inside.  It wasn't unitl one night after I came home from being out with friends from the church youth group that I caught him on audio tape at my door begging at first to be let in and then threatening what would happen if I didn't let him in.  I didn't give this tape to mom but to my best friend who gave it to her mother and took the steps for help.  It barely came in the form of I was kicked out of my house, sent to live with my mom's first husband, and my brother and baby sister remained there.  Over the years I have been forced into accepting this man just to see my mom and sister.  I still beg for my mother's approval and never get it.  My baby sister doesn't really know the details but knows he did something wrong but has been taught he paid for it and he's her father.  I have two sons that are not allowed around him and what scares my is my baby sister has a one year old angel of a baby girl that I am afraid will be hurt one day.  I live back in my hometown with my DH and sons.  My DH graduated from here and when he first realized who I was he remembered hearing about that little girl who "told stories" about her stepdad and how scandalized the town was and I had to be lying.  He now knows the truth.  I have never spoken to anyone with the detail I've posted here.  I do know that if anyone ever touched my sons it wouldn't be them in jail but me because I know I couldn't controll my rage.  My MIL, a sex abuse survivor herself, has gone to great lengths to help make me whole and feel safe and loved in a healthy way.  I don't know if I ever will be "healed".  I don't think that you ever really heal from a tearing of your soul.  I do know that I wish I could write the book I so want to write to open the eyes of the world to the pain and shame that we SURVIVORS feel even years after the abuse has ended.  I just don't have that strength yet.  One day I will.
 
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imamosaic
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July 23, 2008, 7:07 pm PDT

Go For It!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote From: zandgsmom

I am 28 years old and for over half my life I've been trying to vent the things I lived through but couldn't find the words or a forum.  I came to this board today and read the accounts (I won't call them stories because that is what it was called everytime I told) of all of you beautiful women who have found the voice to talk.  My mother moved my brother and I in with our stepfather in March of 1989.  Just a few weeks after my ninth birthday.  My brother was 8.  My stepfather was a local police officer and EMT.  Well respected in the community with a nice house and income.  Something we hadn't had before.  To this day I can remember my amazement at walking into the kitchen and opening cabinets and the fridge and there being FOOD there.  Milk in jugs cold from the grocery and not mixed up powder in a pitcher.  Meat that came from the freezer and not a commodity can.  It was like being at my grandma's house where it was all good and free for anyone to eat.  I remember looking up at this man who I thought at the time was a superhero and asking with tear filled eyes if I could have a can of soda all my own.  He kneeled down and said "baby you can eat or drink anything you want and as much of it as you  please.  you will never go hungry again."  I thought OMG!  this is such a change from my mother's first husband (who had adopted me he was my brother's father) who sold the foodstamps the state allotted us for money to buy pot and would take us to grandma's at least twice a week where we'd get a full meal.  I threw my arms around his neck crying thanking him telling him I'd be a good girl and not make noise when he slept and get good grades.  I thought this was our salvation.  He was true to his word and made sure there was always good food in the house, clothes new clothes on our backs, for the first time ever I had a winter coat I didn't share with my brother, a bed room of my own and little things like shampoo were such a big deal to me.  My mother gave birth to my baby sister in April 1990.  She planned a wedding to my stepfather in September of that year.  Things were amazing.  When school let out for the summer in May of 1990 I called my aunt and uncle in Ft Campbell KY where he was stationed although at the time it was just my aunt and cousins in the house because my uncle was deployed to Iraq fighting in Operation Desert Storm.  I stayed the whole summer with them (I'd done this my entire life) until August when I went home to prepare for school and the upcoming wedding.  I was so excited to see my brother, my baby sister, and my older soon to be stepbrother as well as mom and new stepfather.  I got home that day and put my stuff away, played with my baby sister who seemed to grow so much in that amount of time.  When bed time came my brothers fell asleep in my older brother's bedroom playing with one of those toy wrestling rings and wrestlers.  My mom took the baby and they went into my parents room and were soon asleep.  My stepfather who I still had hero worship for invited me to sit in his lap and watch a movie with him.  I can still remember the smell of fabric softener on my strawberry shortcake nightgown, clutching the little girl quilt my grandma made me at birth, climbing into his lap.  For a while he talked to me about my trip and told me how much they all missed me and how glad he was his little girl was home.  We settled in to watch an old ford fairlane movie.  He had his arms around me and I could feel one hand on my knee.  It didn't really startle me since he was always so affectionate and I craved that.  Before I knew it his hand was in my little girl panties............they were day of the week and the day was Saturday.  I didn't know what to do!  No one had ever talked to me about good and bad touching and what to do. I only knew that it felt "icky" and I didn't like it but was afraid to ask him to stop.  Eventually he stopped on  his own and sent me to my bedroom.  I didn't sleep that night.  The next day it was as though nothing had happened.  I didn't know how to tell my mother and she was so busy with this wedding.  The weeks wore on and nothing else happened but I had changed.  My usual chatterbox was quiet, I didn't want to play outside.  With four kids in the house one of them not even a year old I guess mom didn't notice.  They were married in September.  Time wore on and still I withdrew and didn't say a word until one night on a room check (making sure we kids kept them clean and all) my stepdad pulled a tote from under my bed full of the food I'd been hiding.  Nothing that would rot.  Crackers, jars of peanut butter, and such, afraid of being hungry again.  He was going to spank me and my mother wanted to know why I am doing this.  SO I TOLD.  I told how I was afraid he'd touch me again and that I wouldn't be allowed to eat.  I'd no longer have that priveledge.  He and she packed me into the car and took me to the hospital where I was examined (torture to a ten year old girl) and the doctor said there were signs that something had happened but could have been caused by active play.  My mother called me a liar and I was making things up.  It was the first beating I recieved for this from her.   I was asked why I'd want to tear apart my new life and hurt such a good man and I was to hug, kiss, and apologise to him.  We went home.  Things went back to "normal" but I guess her reaction told him that he could get away with molesting me.  By the time I was 12 it was full blown rape in the middle of the night with whispers of you will not tell, mom will not believe you, no one will believe you.  I was cut off from my summer visit with my aunt out of fear I'd tell and SHE WOULD BELIEVE ME.  It wasn't until I was almost 15 that my older brother (my stepdad's son) 18 at the time walked in and screamed the house down with "Dad stop you are  hurting her" beating on my mother's closed and locked door.  She couldn't ignore it or call me a liar with my brothers standing there calling the police.  The same police he worked with.  Only one believed me.  After investigation, the police hiding him for weeks, and behind doors deals with lawyers I still do not know what he was charged with but served only 18 months in a minimum security detention center where my mother visited him weekly and lived off his trust in his house.  I was subjected to random beatings for destroying our life.  When he was released he moved right back in.  I locked my door from the inside.  It wasn't unitl one night after I came home from being out with friends from the church youth group that I caught him on audio tape at my door begging at first to be let in and then threatening what would happen if I didn't let him in.  I didn't give this tape to mom but to my best friend who gave it to her mother and took the steps for help.  It barely came in the form of I was kicked out of my house, sent to live with my mom's first husband, and my brother and baby sister remained there.  Over the years I have been forced into accepting this man just to see my mom and sister.  I still beg for my mother's approval and never get it.  My baby sister doesn't really know the details but knows he did something wrong but has been taught he paid for it and he's her father.  I have two sons that are not allowed around him and what scares my is my baby sister has a one year old angel of a baby girl that I am afraid will be hurt one day.  I live back in my hometown with my DH and sons.  My DH graduated from here and when he first realized who I was he remembered hearing about that little girl who "told stories" about her stepdad and how scandalized the town was and I had to be lying.  He now knows the truth.  I have never spoken to anyone with the detail I've posted here.  I do know that if anyone ever touched my sons it wouldn't be them in jail but me because I know I couldn't controll my rage.  My MIL, a sex abuse survivor herself, has gone to great lengths to help make me whole and feel safe and loved in a healthy way.  I don't know if I ever will be "healed".  I don't think that you ever really heal from a tearing of your soul.  I do know that I wish I could write the book I so want to write to open the eyes of the world to the pain and shame that we SURVIVORS feel even years after the abuse has ended.  I just don't have that strength yet.  One day I will.
 Well, not only are you a surviver but you are a very good writer.  Write your book.  You may find it very cathartic along the way.  Good Luck- Sue
 
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davidnicole
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July 23, 2008, 7:34 pm PDT

MY FAMILYS SECRETS SHATTERD MY LIFE FOREVER.A DAUGHTERS SCREAMS FOR HELP.WHILE DAD SEXULLY ABUSED ME FOR YRS.MOM SAW WHY SHE DID'NT HELP?

ITS HORRIBLE SURVIVAL.TO LIVE AS A CHILD WITH A FATHER WHO SEXULLY ABUSED ME FOR 13yrs OF MY LIFE.AND A MOTHER WHO SAW AND HEARD MY SCREAMS COULD DO NOTHING BUT KEEP THE SECRET.I STILL TREMBLE AS MY EVERYDAY LIVING TRIGGERS MY HORRIBLE PAST.I MARRIED TO EXSCAPE,DISOCIATE,WHAT EVER I COULD.HAD CHILDREN TO LOVE OR FEEL LOVE OR NEEDED.INTILL I COULD'NT DISOCIATE ANYMORE I HAD TO GET HELP LOTS OF HELP.AND AT THE PRESENT TIME STILL GETTING HELP.BECAUSE MY MOM AND UNCLES AND AUNTS HAD BEEN TO AFRAID OF MY CRAZY FATHER.THEY MAY TELL ME THAT KNOW BUT ITS TO LATE.I MARRIED A MAN OLDER THEN I.HATED IT.TOOK MYSELF AND CHILDREN AWAY FROM MY PARENTS,5BROTHERS,AUNTS,UNCLES,EVERYONE TO KEEP MY 3CHILDREN SAFE.BECAUSE I BELIEVED IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO END THE CYCLE,BEING SICK WITH 3BABIES HAVING PROBLEMS BEING MARRIED.AND HAVING KNOW FAMILY HELP.I CAME THIS FAR.BY KNOW MEANS OUT OF THE WOODS.BUT FAR ENOUGH TO SEE THAT BASTED COUGHT,AND I HELPED HE CANT WIN.EVERYONE THAT HAS BEEN SEXULLY ABUSED TELL YOUR SELF NOT TO LET HIM WIN BECAUSE IF YOU DIE OR TAKE YOUR LIFE YOUR LETTING HIM WIN WHY?MY BROTHER TOOK HIS LIFE.HE WAS ONLY 7YRS.WHEN I MARRIED.I GOT ROB OF GETTING TO KNOW MY OWN BROTHER.HE WAS 22YRS.OLD WHEN HE USED MY FATHERS GUN.I DID'nt SEE MY PARENTS FOR OVER 20YRS.IT JUST NEVER GOES AWAY.AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM EVER.
 
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roxyuk
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July 24, 2008, 2:38 am PDT

I lived with the same secret

I was molested for 12 years(I am only guessing from age 3-15 since I was so young I cant remember the first time) by my step father. I have only recently tried to talk to my mother about it (Now at age 29) and now I get the feeling she blames me for destroying her life. She has made little comments about how I should've told her when I was a kid and how afraid she is of spending the rest of her life alone and how she just has never seen that side of him, like I made it all up and he is just not a person who would do such things. I thought I was alone with my secret and pain and I now know that Im not the only one. There were other kids out there living with this secret and I just wanted to say thanks for being so brave because even though I am still trying to find a way to talk about this and get help I feel a little braver knowing that there are others out there that know what I am going through.
 
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kleesun
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July 24, 2008, 6:35 am PDT

07/24 Behind Closed Doors

Susan keeps saying, "I don't understand.  I don't understand the mind of a pedophile."

Um, she caught him performing oral sex on her nine-year-old daughter--WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW??




I mean, isn't that enough?  MORE than enough??
 
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jewelerooski
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July 24, 2008, 7:11 am PDT

I understand

 I too was molested as a child and my mother knew about it.  Not by a stepfather but by different men she would bring to our home (I think one may have been her brother-but she won't admit it). When my father discovered the abuse he took us away from her and cut off all contact. I was around seven years old and she left town - apparently to start a new life. There was no contact with her until I was about 15. I am now 41 and since 15 it has been like beating my head against a brick wall trying to have a relationship with her. She too miraculously does not "remember" what happened to my siblings and I. She refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing and does not even look back at her children or what they have been through or try to heal. She has moved on to her OWN life. I love her and I realize that she was a 21 year old basket case when her husband left her and she just could not care for her children. I don't blame her. I want to move on with a new relationship with her....she has had a rough life too. I understand how the whole chain of events could have happened. But we can not move forward because she refuses to acknowledge any of it. I am mostly healed from the molestation....It seems the older I get  - the farther away from  it I get.....the better I feel.  It seems like a whole lifetime ago now.  What TRULY hurts me now is not having a mother. Well I have one technically but she wants nothing to do with me because I guess it is just too hurtful for her to remember that life.....its very sad.  No Thanks to her I am 100 TIMES a better mother than she could ever hope to be and maybe THAT is the real problem she has with me.
 
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leigh531
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July 24, 2008, 7:11 am PDT

Behind Closed Doors

I am writing about Dr Phils response to the mother.  He was very strong in emphasizing that this mother was not willing to take responsibility for her part in the whole mess that occurred.  It is just in the past twenty years that so many organizations have come into existence to help people who are victims of crimes like what occured in this family.  In many parts of the US I am sure there still are no such organizations in existence.  My feeling was that this woman at the time felt as much a victim as the child did.  She dropped the ball but that could have been from her own vulnerabilty.    You are right, it is our job to keep are children safe, but sometimes even the best efforts won't help.  I constantly remind my children not to put themselves in places where they may be vulnerable.  All it takes is one visit to a friends house where the parents do not have the same views.  You may come home and find that your child has gone on a bike ride with a friend on a local bike trail and find that he is the victim of a mugging.  I harped on him constantly about NOT being on that bike trail.  Fortunately this and many other similiar instances have led to video cameras being installed.
 
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brenlees
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July 24, 2008, 7:17 am PDT

Military Protects Their Own

After watching today's broadcast, I have to speak out.  I too discovered my husband molesting my child.  I immediately kicked him out of the house.  We were in the military too.  My husband, at the time, was a Sailor in the US Navy.  I can understand what this woman said.  The military chaplain told me I was going to ruin my husband's military career if I didn't let him come back home and work through this.  Where I differ from this woman was that I said "NO".  I told the chaplain and the CO of the base that if they thought this man needed a family, then they were welcome to take him home with them and let him sleep next to their children.  The military does not stand behind the victims.  They make you fight to protect yourself and your family.  They don't want to see anything negitive said about the military member.  There are advocacy programs on the base for family members.  I am so thankful for the advice and support they gave me.  Without them, I am not sure what I would have done. 
 
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cgraduate
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July 24, 2008, 7:31 am PDT

Dr phile you are so out of touch

Dr. Phil I agree with you about the mother .She should have protected her daughter.

But you are so wrong to think that the military, are any other officials would not cover up sexual abuse.Lets please get real . Most of the people who advice you on what to do in these case, are the ones who turn their backs on you when it happens.
 
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roxienaples
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July 24, 2008, 7:35 am PDT

OMG!!

I should change my mood to distressed as well.  I am actually screaming at the TV, the mother needs to be strung up, is she sick or what??
 
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