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Topic : 07/24 Behind Closed Doors

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Created on : Friday, February 08, 2008, 12:21:46 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 02/13/08) When people think of sexual predators, they often envision a pervert wearing a trench coat walking the streets. But research shows that a family friend, helper or relative is often the person who victimizes innocent children. Heidi was sexually molested by her stepfather, John, for 12 years. Her mother, Susan, knew it was happening because she walked in on an attack when Heidi was 9, but she stayed with her husband for years after, even as the molestation continued. When Dr. Phil confronts Susan, will she apologize to her daughter? After two decades and years of mental anguish, will Heidi receive answers from her mother? The sparks fly as mother and daughter go head to head. Will they heal their wounds and reunite? Then, the man who Heidi accused of molesting her joins the show. Find out what he reveals and why Dr. Phil doesn't believe him. And, why does Heidi say she has more respect for her abuser than her mother? The twists and turns in this story will shock you. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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August 15, 2008, 2:48 pm CDT

NOT A GOOD THING!!!!!!

Quote From: annef123

  It is just amazing to me how people can watch a show and be so quick to make judgements that have an affect on someones' life.  You are hearing simplifed facts not all of the details.  You were not in the mothers shoes.  You do not know ALL of the details but you are ALL so quick to condemn her. 

  Do you all really believe it is so healthy for Heidi to continue her relationship with the abuser and to forgive him??  That Heidi and Susan should not try to resolve their past and try to heal their differences??  To heal is to forgive. 

  I have gone through and read these comments and agree with some and amazed at others.  For example, a 27 yr old writing in saying she was 27 and she would know what to do.  Well gees lets think about this statement..........it is 2008, twenty-five years later from the time of the incident.  We have the internet, we have tv talk shows, we have so much more accessible to us now and they now teach this in school.  I have to agree with this mother that most likely she did NOT know.  Maybe she was naive to this illness.  The exposure was not so readily accessible and basically it was pretty tabu.

  The purpose for being on this show for these two women was to try to "heal" and the only thing I saw that this program did was bring MORE TRAUMA in their lives for them.  I have not seen anyone at all really trying to help them.

  If you listened closely Susan tried to tell Dr Phil that Heidi was continuing a relationship with John and Heidi completely denied it.  But then when John appeared he confirmed tha he talkes to Heidi and they have seen one another.  How can that possibly be a good thing??  This abuser needs to be TOTALLY out of Heidi's life for her to ever completely heal.  She will never get over her past until she gets him out.

  These women need help.  By everyone sitting here bashing the Mom and saying Heidi does not NEED her is not HELPING!!  You are all only making matters worse.

   I am sure every one of you have your own skeletons so do you need to degrade others to justify your own.  You want to make comments do something positive to help these two instead of hindering the healing process its quite obvious they need it!!

I would need to hear MUCH more about why Heidi speaks to John.  I know a great deal about sexual abuse, unfortunately, and in the case of a young girl being molested, it is NOT unusual for her to fall in love with him...but hate him at the same time.  Look, fact...children are sexual beings, sex feels good...so John, may have made Heidi feel good while destroying her.

Unless Heidi has had INTENSE therapy and came to a place where she could forgive John, for a "positve" reason, I think she is talking to him because he still has a hold on her...and THAT is the WORST thing that can continue. 

She doesn't forgive her mother...John had the stronger bond...it's really so twisted, but this is NOT uncommon.

I do not "buy it" that is all O.K. because he said he was sorry, or because he admitted to it.  Heidi needed to hear it from HIM...so that is a reason why she will talk to him. 

Healing...easy to say...not easy to do.  Unless John is out of Heidi's life, healing is just not possible...the cancer is still in her.  The hold is not broken...BREAK IT OFF!  That is what ANY competant therapist would advise...this girl was brainwashed by the second most powerful drive of our species...sex...and it went on for ten years?????  Separate them if it can be done...hard to enforce now that Heidi is an adult, but IF she gets into productive therapy, she will be brought to a place where she sees the need to break from John.

After that, her issues with her mother will be up for grabs...

I have heard where victims DO forgive the abuser, but it is for closure...to sever all control he has...like a release...not saying Oh, that's O.K.  One is healthy, the other is continuing the cycle.

There may be ways, if both women are ready, that a competant thrapist will bring these two women to a place where the past can be left behind...not forgotten, just looking at the big picture...and trying to heal.

I'm really NOT a judgemental person, yet if you see your husband performing oral sex on your daughter...you allow him to have access to her...which he obviously did for quite a few years...seriously...what do you want me to say?  

My only advise would be to look inside yourself for your HONEST reasons...do it with a professional.  Get it straight in your mind, then tell her...with remorse and repentance.  If she picks it up, you are coming out of a long dark tunnel, if not, you tried your best when you felt that you were able.  That's the best I can say...

except that John has to go, and only Heidi can do that.  If she doesn't I fear for her future life with anyone.

 
August 17, 2008, 8:15 am CDT

Did it ever cross your mind that...........

Quote From: shannon_gma

I love you and your show Dr. Phil, however. I was so mad that you hid this pigs face. Further that you would not alert everyone under the sun where he lives. Whatever lawsuit you faced by saying his real name and showing his face would be worth it's weight in gold for the children it would protect. I too had this happen though not as bad. " LUCY YOU HAVE SOME SPLANNIN TO DO"!
Has it crossed your mind that this man firmly requested that his identity to not be shown? If so, then Dr. Phil would be facing a lot more than just a lawsuit. Let's see, first, the man could plain refuse to show up at all, he would lose all credibility and not be able to line up guests for future shows, (who would trust him after that?), and he would probably face an inquiry from the FCC or something for his un-ethical practices. It's not as simple as you make it out to be. I'll tell you what you can do though. You can get on the Internet and type in just a few words and pull up all of the convicted sexual offenders in your community. I did! Showed their pictures and everything. Very good to know.
 
August 17, 2008, 8:30 am CDT

Your serious here aren't you?

Quote From: ditto1

As a survivor of biological paternal mental and sexual abuse and the mother of an abused child-(by my husband/her step-father);  I am shocked at the response of the posters and Dr. Phil's attack on the mother.  Growing up I swore I would kill anyone who touched my daughters.  Guess what the SOB is still alive.   Why didn't I kill him??  Why did I continue to believe lies about nothing happened??  I thought I was being peranoid and imagining things.  I thought I was just being suspicious because of what happened to me.   I thought it was my fault I didn't trust men-(my husband).  It was me, not him.  By the time she told me something happened;  I was so mentally screwed up I didn't  know truth from lies; right from wrong.

 

I agree we did not hear the mom on tv  say "I'm sorry-I f----up" on national television.  It does not mean she has never said it to her daughter.  Perhaps she has tried or wanted to and the daughter never gave her the opportunity. 

 

There are no winners here.  Blame doesn't change the past.  My mother stayed with my father until he died, why??  He had molested all five of his daughters?  How could she?  I still have a relationship with my mother.  At 52 years old I know how things were back then. 

How could I have stayed with the SOB who molested my daughter?  I don't know.  At least my daughter was able to go live with her biological father and get away from him and me.  It took me another 7 years to get away from the abusive SOB. 

 

Today I have the strength...I could kill him if I saw him...I'm not sure me sitting in jail the rest of my life would solve anything...but maybe it could save another young girl.  Back then it took him putting a gun to my head for me to wake up and get out.  Domestic abuse is such a complicated thing and is done by both abuser and abusee.

 

To end this---if you are reading this and are in a similar situation---here is how it ended for me.  None of my three children have anything to do with me.  It hurts like hell but I understand why.  I have asked for their for giveness and not received it.  I have three grandchildren (that I know of) and never see them.

It is not your fault--GET HELP--I was to embarassed to get help.  I had no support structure..that is the first thing an abuser get rid of.  Now I suffer and worse I know my children have to live with it and my grandchildren may never know their grandmother.

 

No one wants to hear these stories or except that this happens.  IT DOES! 

No matter what I can't understand how you can defend ANY woman who allows this to happen to her child. There is no exception to this rule. What's even worse is the fact that after this happened to you, you allowed it to happen to your daughter. You of all people should have known better than to let your own child be hurt and damaged this way.

 

"At least my daughter was able to go live with her biological father and get away from him and me. It took me another 7 years to get away from the abusive SOB". I can't believe that you even wrote that. You make it sound like your daughter was better off than you were. You were the adult and had the responsibility to get your daughter and yourself out of there in the first place. And too embarrassed to get help? being embarrassed would be the last thing on my mind, pretty far down on the priority list.

 

When it comes to not having a relationship with your daughters, that is your own fault. You have only yourself to blame.

 

 

 
September 9, 2008, 5:12 pm CDT

To a Brave Soul

Quote From: jonesy385

Jamie, you are the greatest.  If you lived here in NYC, I would give you a big hug. 

 

 I disowned my father when I was 18 (I don't think he molested me, but one doctor said he might have, and maybe I was very young, or maybe I blocked it out), and my mother and I heard he died a few months after the fact.  I didn't feel that bad when I heard about it, but I didn't feel free of him either.  I always thought if he was dead, I would feel like a weight was gone or something.  But it felt the same as when he was alive (probably because I hadn't seen him in nearly 20 years at the time).  Funny thing though, slowly, as time passed, after he died, a few years later, more and more, I realized I had been blaming him for all these things, when actually, my mother was even worse, only in a subtle "What did I do?" kind of way, just full of her own ego.  I realized how much my father and I actually had in common as people, and I realized I couldn't hate someone who had so much in common with me.  It would be like hating myself.  And then I gradually realized I didn't hate him anymore.  I realized the things that made me mad at him, were things he couldn't help, and he never meant to be a bad father.  So mentally, in my mind, I came to peace with him.  But not my mother.  Not yet at least. 

 

Jamie, I would love to email with you, but I don't want to put my email address out on this board for everyone to see. 

I am so sorry I am just now reading this. I watched that same show you did in Feb. and I felt the same way. As I read what you wrote to me, I have to say you are amazing and it is odd for me to be reading what I went through with my father who has been diagnosed with cancer and has 1 to 6 years, that was last year. I too thought that when he left this world that the pain would go with him but just as you said, the more you thought and the more deep searching you did brought you to the realization that he never really ment to be a bad father but I do believe and dont know if you feel the same way, but that he had a sickness. My father was a great man and nobody who knows my past with him can understand why I say that. Not even my own mother. I'll tell you because I believe you will get it. Its because I have forgiven a man of his sins like the lord has asked everyone to do but most can not in this situation because it changes you forever. One thing I did not allow the demon in him to do was take anything I had left at 14. I hated him and my mom for sticking by his side, but she never saw it comming either and when all you want is dads love and to be daddies lil girl, why would she believe me. I no longer hate her and she is by his bed side every day. I would not want her anywhere else. He did take good care of her and the family but he had a sickness.

 I too would so love to email you and I will put my email on here for you so that you can contact me if you still wish. I will pray for you and yours.

Jamie.     Jamiemichia@yahoo.com

 
September 9, 2008, 5:40 pm CDT

I get you.

Quote From: kathleen27

I would need to hear MUCH more about why Heidi speaks to John.  I know a great deal about sexual abuse, unfortunately, and in the case of a young girl being molested, it is NOT unusual for her to fall in love with him...but hate him at the same time.  Look, fact...children are sexual beings, sex feels good...so John, may have made Heidi feel good while destroying her.

Unless Heidi has had INTENSE therapy and came to a place where she could forgive John, for a "positve" reason, I think she is talking to him because he still has a hold on her...and THAT is the WORST thing that can continue. 

She doesn't forgive her mother...John had the stronger bond...it's really so twisted, but this is NOT uncommon.

I do not "buy it" that is all O.K. because he said he was sorry, or because he admitted to it.  Heidi needed to hear it from HIM...so that is a reason why she will talk to him. 

Healing...easy to say...not easy to do.  Unless John is out of Heidi's life, healing is just not possible...the cancer is still in her.  The hold is not broken...BREAK IT OFF!  That is what ANY competant therapist would advise...this girl was brainwashed by the second most powerful drive of our species...sex...and it went on for ten years?????  Separate them if it can be done...hard to enforce now that Heidi is an adult, but IF she gets into productive therapy, she will be brought to a place where she sees the need to break from John.

After that, her issues with her mother will be up for grabs...

I have heard where victims DO forgive the abuser, but it is for closure...to sever all control he has...like a release...not saying Oh, that's O.K.  One is healthy, the other is continuing the cycle.

There may be ways, if both women are ready, that a competant thrapist will bring these two women to a place where the past can be left behind...not forgotten, just looking at the big picture...and trying to heal.

I'm really NOT a judgemental person, yet if you see your husband performing oral sex on your daughter...you allow him to have access to her...which he obviously did for quite a few years...seriously...what do you want me to say?  

My only advise would be to look inside yourself for your HONEST reasons...do it with a professional.  Get it straight in your mind, then tell her...with remorse and repentance.  If she picks it up, you are coming out of a long dark tunnel, if not, you tried your best when you felt that you were able.  That's the best I can say...

except that John has to go, and only Heidi can do that.  If she doesn't I fear for her future life with anyone.

Thank you for saying what so many victims or survivers can not say well enough for people to understand. My father was a great man with a sickness and during those sick times he did just what you said, he loved me at the same time he tried to destroy me. I say try because he did not succeed. I am a happy full time working mother of 2 boys and in the past year or so I have come to forgive and love my father. My mother who never did believe me, does not understand why I do. I just tell her its not for her to understand. This was something between him and I. Now I have learned to forgive but you will always carry that first experince with you and until you can forgive, you will have some hate in you. One thing to remember after you can forgive is you will never forget it and it does not have to destroy who you are, boy or gir, man or woman.
 
September 9, 2008, 5:48 pm CDT

take it or leave it

Quote From: toniecw

Are you aware that there are statutes of limitation on rape cases?

 

This was not a child on the set, she was an adult with children...the one that should have been pressing charges didn't.

 

Don't kill the messenger folks...

 

Dr. Phil had them on his show to help them heal themselves and each other with forgiveness...

Just my thoughts

Love, Light and Peace

Tonie

Look Toni, nobody wanted him to walk out of there. I bet you didnt either. I know the show has its way of doing things but for the sake of other children, while you were typing I hope you said a prayer for Hiedi, and thats just my thoughts.
 
October 13, 2008, 12:37 pm CDT

read this and cried for myself......a survivor

Quote From: sassykat63

My daughter was sexually abused by her stepfather from the age of 11 to the age of 15.  There are so many things that happen in this family dynamic.  Not all stories are the same.  I'd like to tell you mine.

 

When I met my ex, my children were 5 (son) and 2 (daughter).  We had been living with a friend, having been basically dropped on his doorstep by my ex husband,  and he was Mr. Wonderful.  He provided a home, loved the children and was everything we had ever wanted or needed.

 

We both agreed that we did not want "strangers" raising the children, so we worked opposite shifts.  He worked days, and I worked nights.  Our family was happy.

 

When my daugther was 13, she started cutting.  Some of the victims of abuse will know about this.  It's a defense mechanism that some kids use.  When they can focus on the pain they are feeling from the cutting, they can block out the pain they are going through from the abuse.  I had always had a very close and loving relationship with my daughter.  I asked her numerous times why she was doing this to herself,  and she would tell me she didn't know.  Counselors I had taken her to had put it down to the fact that her biological father had basically abandoned her, and when he did contact her, it was usually a dressing down for her not calling on HIS birthday, or Father's Day.  Of course I don't even need hands to count the number of birthday cards or Christmas gifts he gave her, because it was zero.  I would tell my daughter I was sorry her father was this way but it had nothing to do with her, it was his problem, and he was the one missing out on a wonderful, talented, smart and beautiful child.  At the same time I noticed her relationship with her step father was deteriorating, but put it down to "teenager syndrome".  How I wish I wasn't so blind.  But you never  think it could happen to you.

 

When she was 15, she was still cutting, and one time, she cut a little too deep.  Her best friend and my best friend went to the ER with us.  Once they had established that my daughter had NOT been trying to commit suicide, they released her, and made an appointment to see a crisis counselor the next day.

We were on the way to the counselor's office when my daughter asked me to listen to a song by Good Charlotte.  The lyrics were:

This world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
Your mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear.

 

I turned to my daughter and asked her "Is this what's happening while I'm at work?"  She said, "Not hitting.... no."  I pulled into the next parking lot I saw and told her, "Start talking."  She told me that her stepfather started abusing her when she was 11.  He had sexual intercourse with her numerous times, forced her into oral sex, and had her perform oral sex on him.  I looked into my daughter's eyes, and immediatly pulled her into my arms.  I asked her why she never told me.  She said "I didn't want to hurt you."  I said "Honey, you tell me everything!" She said quietly "I couldn't tell you this."  I turned the car around and went straight home and confronted my husband.  Of course, he denied it.  One look in his eyes and I knew he was lying.  You have no idea what goes through your head at that point.  He used to collect knives.  Decorative, but still sharp.  My first thought was "Grab that knife on the shelf and slit his throat!!"  The second thought, and the one that overrode that one was "You can't protect your daughter from jail!" I picked up the phone, dialed 911, and had him removed from my home, pressed charges, and am happy to say he is in prison serving 5-10 years.  He must also register as a sex offender for the rest of his life, and there is a LIFETIME Protection order against him, not only for my daughter, but for me, my son, and anyone in my family.

 

While we were in counseling after the fact, my daughter told me that he never "hurt" her.  What she meant by that was that he never hit or was "violent" with her.  This is the reason he wasn't convicted under Megan's Law.  What he did to her was much more sinister in my opinion.  He used her love for me against her.  He always told her how much it would hurt me if I ever found out.  She was "protecting" me.  At the same time, he would set her up to lie.  For instance, he would give her money, but tell her not to tell me.  When she would have something new, I would question her where she got it.  She would say she "found" it, or she "borrowed it from a friend".  When I would accuse her of lying to me, he would chime right in, set her punishment, and say, "I can't believe she's lying about this."  What he was doing, I found out through some support groups, was setting the groundwork in case she did tell.  He started making me doubt my own child's credibility, so when she finally told, he said, "How can you believe her, you know how much she lies!"  You have to understand, I  WANTED her to be lying.  Not because I had any feelings left for him, but because I didn't want her to have gone through what she did.

 

I have to be completely honest with you here.  The whole time my daughter was telling me this, inside my head I was hearing "NO NO NO NO!! This isn't possible, he isn't like this!"  But as I looked into my child's face, I knew.  I also knew I would do ANYTHING it took to get her away from him.  As Dr. Phil said, I would have lived under a bridge if that's what I needed to do to protect my child.  

 

For all of you abuse survivors (I refuse to call you victims.  You are SURVIVORS. BE PROUD OF THAT!) you have no idea how much your stories broke my heart.  I was in tears reading your accounts, especially the ones who didn't have the support of your mothers.  I am SO sorry.  I wish I could meet each and every one of you and wrap my arms around you and give you the comfort and solace that you didn't get from the one person in the world who should never have broken your trust.  I'm not saying I did everything right.  I'm saying I did what was best and right for my daughter when she needed me the most.  Just like I have since the day she was born, and continue to do to this day.  She is now 20 years old, and is still the wonderful, talented, beautiful child she was.  Yes, there are scars.  There always will be.  But she has NEVER blamed me, she has NEVER played the pity card.  She is and continues to be a joy to everyone she meets. 

 

I will also be forever grateful to her best friend.   She had told her what was happening.  The night we were in the ER, she and my daughter were talking across the room, and she told my daughter, "You have a choice. Either you tell your mom, or I will."  I think that was the catalyst that had my daughter tell me. 

 

Just as an update.  Her abuser was eligible for a parole hearing November of 2008.  We received a letter from the Victim's Advocate office informing us that he would not be granted a hearing because he has not completed the mandatory Child Sexual Predator's classes that are required for his parole.  So he will not be eligible until he takes those classes.  I hope he never does and has to serve his full sentence. 

 

I know this is a long post.  Thanks for reading it.

I am sorry this is so late in regard to your posting date, but this is the first time I have gotten a chance to read it.  I have posted a comment on being abused from awhile ago.

 

Anyway, I cried when I read your post because when I was 9 years old, my father died and my mother remarried within a year of his death.  The man she married was my father's sister's husband, but divorced from her, so he was my uncle by marriage only.  But I knew him as my uncle and he had 6 children who were and still are my cousins.  Weird but true.

 

The sexual abuse began almost immediately to me (age 9), my sister (age 6) and tried with my oldest sister who was 15 when he came into the picture.  She ran away from home on many occasions and eventually became pregnant at 19 and moved out, so she avoided his advances.  I was abused for 6 years until I was 16.  I just could not stand it anymore and one night on vacation while lying in bed with a bad case of sunburn, my step father came in drunk wanting to molest me.  I screamed, "NO, get away from me"  He left me alone, finally.    I then decided to tell my older brother about his abuse, so he could tell my mother.  I didn't have a relationship with my mother because she basically did not care at all about me.

 

My brother told me my mother blamed me for dressing too sexy and inticing my stepfather.  she eventually talked to me saying.......that's between you and him and it won't happen again.

 

That was it, end of story.  I went into serious denial at that point to save myself, I guess.

 

I moved out a few years later and went about working hard, buying a home and having a relationship with my then boyfriend (then husband). 

 

I started having night terrors and went to a psychologist.  After a few years, I finally broke through everything and started to heal. 

 

My mother NEVER wanted to help, console, or comfort me.

 

I eventually broke off all communications with her because I needed closure and she never wanted to deal with any of it.  She did stay married to him until he died a few years ago.

 

My siblings have a relationship with her and had one with the step father as well before his passing.

 

I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children, a girl (age 21) and  a precious boy, age 8.

 

I always thought to myself, "how can I be a good mother, with the way I was brought up"?  Well, I am a good mother because I love my children unconditionally.  It comes straight my heart , and is not hard to do.

 

Thank you again for your wonderful words, it really helped me.

 

 

 
January 8, 2009, 7:48 am CST

07/24 Behind Closed Doors

My mother fed me to the wolves too. I feel you sister. I chose to have nothing to do with my family out of pure survival. Now I worry about the children in my relatives' homes. My mother has 3 grandchildren. Are they being neglected too? Is she protecting them? I'm terrified that my nephews are being abused by her and my other relatives. They all live near each other and spend lots of time together. Shall I give you a rundown of this cast of characters?

My mother: sexually abused as an infant by her rageaholic, alcoholic, murdering, wife-beating father. She got pregnant with me as a teenager so I was brought into that world. Knowing that he was a child molester, she left me alone with him countless nights while she went out looking for sailors to schtup. She feels no remorse for this. She minimizes it with a flick of her hand. She has never apologized for it and she doesn't understand why I'm so angry. This is just the beginning.

She also let a known rapist, my cousin, in our home. He tried to rape me right after my father died when I was 12. He also tried years later when I came for a vist in my mid-20s. She loves this cousin. Her response? "Well nothing happened so what's your problem? He hasn't done anything to me so I can't judge. " Yes, my mother ladies and gentleman. Touching isn't it?  There's so much more.

That cousin? He raped a young woman in the Phillipines but the Merchant Marines covered it up. He got off scott free. Had I known I would've been there for that woman. Had I known. But my "family" won't communicate with me. In their world, what's bad is good and what's good is bad. The Stockholm Syndrome. Now my nephews hang out with this cousin and his 2 brothers. Let me tell you about them.

The eldest is in and out of jail for construction fraud. His target? Little old ladies. He charms them, offers a discount for cash up front, takes it and goes to Shreveport to gamble never to return. He has left gaping holes in the ceiling of an elderly woman's home while he took her life savings. I saw it with my own eyes. I tried to get him to do the right thing. When he didn't I turned him in. I didn't know he'd had a warrant for his arrest out there. In my trying to help him, I was unknowingly harboring a fugitive! He went to jail. My family disowned me. !! Yeah. Can ya believe it? Oh there's so much more. Tip tip tip of the iceberg.

The youngest cousin likes to watch little animals being stomped on for entertainment. Did you know there's a market for films of this nature? I didn't either. How low can a human being go? Well meet these guys and you'll know. This one is also a drug dealer. He has kids. My nephews hang out with them. And I can't do anything to save them the grief I was put through.

I've called social services. My sister, their mother, is a total rageaholic married to a drug dealer who was deported long ago. She goes to the Domincan Republic, gets preganant, and comes back to the US and rages all over her children while she sits on the sofa stuffing her obese body with God knows what.

My poor nephews. What can I do? I have even gone so far as to write the Mayor. They live in a suburb of Dallas. No offense but do they care about children in Texas? Do they care about animals? I lived there for a couple of years hoping to heal the family. Instead I was given the final deadly blow. Now I have spent years hiding in my cave drinking wine and smoking pot in a futile attempt to not feel this, this pain and guilt. Finally I decided I wanted to live and right some wrongs in this world. I am clean and sober and ready to champion the cause. Can anyone help me? Can anyone help me help these children?
 
March 14, 2009, 8:49 am CDT

How DARE you!

Quote From: ditto1

As a survivor of biological paternal mental and sexual abuse and the mother of an abused child-(by my husband/her step-father);  I am shocked at the response of the posters and Dr. Phil's attack on the mother.  Growing up I swore I would kill anyone who touched my daughters.  Guess what the SOB is still alive.   Why didn't I kill him??  Why did I continue to believe lies about nothing happened??  I thought I was being peranoid and imagining things.  I thought I was just being suspicious because of what happened to me.   I thought it was my fault I didn't trust men-(my husband).  It was me, not him.  By the time she told me something happened;  I was so mentally screwed up I didn't  know truth from lies; right from wrong.

 

I agree we did not hear the mom on tv  say "I'm sorry-I f----up" on national television.  It does not mean she has never said it to her daughter.  Perhaps she has tried or wanted to and the daughter never gave her the opportunity. 

 

There are no winners here.  Blame doesn't change the past.  My mother stayed with my father until he died, why??  He had molested all five of his daughters?  How could she?  I still have a relationship with my mother.  At 52 years old I know how things were back then. 

How could I have stayed with the SOB who molested my daughter?  I don't know.  At least my daughter was able to go live with her biological father and get away from him and me.  It took me another 7 years to get away from the abusive SOB. 

 

Today I have the strength...I could kill him if I saw him...I'm not sure me sitting in jail the rest of my life would solve anything...but maybe it could save another young girl.  Back then it took him putting a gun to my head for me to wake up and get out.  Domestic abuse is such a complicated thing and is done by both abuser and abusee.

 

To end this---if you are reading this and are in a similar situation---here is how it ended for me.  None of my three children have anything to do with me.  It hurts like hell but I understand why.  I have asked for their for giveness and not received it.  I have three grandchildren (that I know of) and never see them.

It is not your fault--GET HELP--I was to embarassed to get help.  I had no support structure..that is the first thing an abuser get rid of.  Now I suffer and worse I know my children have to live with it and my grandchildren may never know their grandmother.

 

No one wants to hear these stories or except that this happens.  IT DOES! 

There is NO justification for how this mother responded! I don't give a damn if you've never heard of a pedophile or of rape, if you walk into a room and a man is performing oral sex on a NINE YEAR OLD girl, there is no way you could be confused about the right and wrong in the situation. HOW DARE YOU LET YOUR CHILDREN BE EXPOSED TO A PREDATOR! HOW DARE YOU! If it were not for my mother taking action and rescuing me from my biological brother and abuser I would still live in fear and never be able to sleep for I would know that eventually he would pick my lock and break through all the things I baracaded my door with EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. When I stayed with my father I had no room and was forced to sleep on the living room couch, in total vulnerability. 9 out of 10 nights I was able to stay with friends, but on that occassional night I would lie awake for hours absolutely terrified of falling asleep. I've spent nights locked in cars, and sleeping in a garage just to get away from the molestation. When I finally told my mom, she saved me and took me away from my terror, but just what i expected happened from my father. he called me a liar and made jokes about my being afraid to spend the night. He laughed in my face and stopped talking to me when I refused to lie to him and tell him i made up the molestation. IF HE HAD CUSTODY OF ME I WOULD TO THIS DAY BE EXPOSED DAILY TO A SEXUAL PREDATOR. Except that's not true, I would take my little brother and I would run away. I would live on the streets and starve to death before I would feed myself to a predator and if I were a mother I WOULD DO THE SAME FOR MY DAUGHTER. If you've been molested, then you UNDERSTAND the damage, you've lived it! How can you sleep at night knowing you've been an enabler in the damage of your precious children! You are just as guilty as the man who took away their innocence. How DARE you make them victims! And how DARE you justify what you and that woman or any other has done. You don't have the right to be in contact with them and you don't have the right to be a parent because a parent is there to love you and protect you and bring you through the world safely and believe me you qualify in NONE of those areas. YOU WERE EMBARASSED! "Sorry sweetie, but it's rather embarassing for me to save you from your sexual abuser. I mean, what if the neighbors found out?" To hell with you. Hopefully those poor girls' father had more sense than you and helped them, instead of feeding them to the dogs.
 
August 24, 2009, 3:01 am CDT

this letter is addressed to Dr. Phil

Dear Dr. Phil,

 

I watched your show about the mom in defense: the mother who discovered her husband was molesting her nine years old kid, and continued to live with him for seven years after that.

 

I saw you screaming at this mother. I have never seen you scream like that before. You raised your voice, you gesticulated angrily, you were scary!

 

My question has to do with this anger you expressed. I am sure you have not let your emotions overtake you uncontrollably. Would you say that taking a non-understanding approach towards the "defensed" person is beneficial?

 

My own mother is a mother in defense. She has never done anything as abhorring as subjecting me to a molester, but she has neglected me, accused me of hating my siblings and her, accused me of sabotaging my siblings hope for success etc. She is often manipulating and terrorizing.

 

I see this behavior as the result of a person in distress, who knows no good tools for getting what she wants. This doesn't come to say that I accept this behavior: I have not had any relationship with my mother for over ten years.

 

The main problem is that my mother is unreachable: whatever you say (and, similarly to the mother on the show, whatever happens), she is in the right and I am in the wrong. For many years I have tried to get my voice heard, and worked with professionals, both individually and in a family therapy. All of the therapist took the very kind approach to my mother, and tried to boost her self esteem (once she feels better about herself she will be able to accept other people's emotions not as criticism). None of them shouted at her. I wonder whether that approach would have had better results.

 

As for now, all the work I have done came to nothing, and I have cut my mother off from my life.

 

Thank you for your help,

 

Inbar

 
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