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Topic : 07/24 Behind Closed Doors

Number of Replies: 1570
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Created on : Friday, February 08, 2008, 12:21:46 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 02/13/08) When people think of sexual predators, they often envision a pervert wearing a trench coat walking the streets. But research shows that a family friend, helper or relative is often the person who victimizes innocent children. Heidi was sexually molested by her stepfather, John, for 12 years. Her mother, Susan, knew it was happening because she walked in on an attack when Heidi was 9, but she stayed with her husband for years after, even as the molestation continued. When Dr. Phil confronts Susan, will she apologize to her daughter? After two decades and years of mental anguish, will Heidi receive answers from her mother? The sparks fly as mother and daughter go head to head. Will they heal their wounds and reunite? Then, the man who Heidi accused of molesting her joins the show. Find out what he reveals and why Dr. Phil doesn't believe him. And, why does Heidi say she has more respect for her abuser than her mother? The twists and turns in this story will shock you. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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February 9, 2008, 11:49 am CST

A victim too

My brother sexually, physically, and mentally abused me.  My father was a deadbeat dad and I can count the times he was around on my fingers.  My mother and father were too busy getting themselves out of trouble or hiding their crimes and being underhanded to call the police or social services.  My mother took more time to cover up the abuse than to save me.

 

I suffer from physical and mental illnesses mostly because of the abuse.  My dreams were to be an astronaut and doctor.  But because of head trauma and PTSD I have to suffer a lifetime of being disabled, being told that I can't get the help I need because I did not get it as a child, that it would be pointless to do certain tests because head trauma has to be taken care of within months of it happening, and people laughing at me when I tell them what I want to do in life.  I have a 11 year old son who I can't even help with his academics because of my cognitive disabilities, learning disabilities, and dyslexia.

 

To the abusers and the people who turn a blind eye, you screw innocent children's lives up.  Some of us are able to recover. Some of us are not able to recover from the abuse.  If I had my way, I would torture my parents and brother for all of the years that I have suffered and continue to suffer because of roadblocks that I face trying to get help for myself.

 
February 9, 2008, 11:59 am CST

Behind close doors

 I think this issue needs to be really looked at to determine what Heidi needs to be alright.. I have lived the same situation, and found myself trying to see the offender through Gods eyes. The Mother should ask forgiveness to her daughter. Will that make Heidi okay-( maybe a little )-Sometimes we need to leave the situation, and find a new Mom, and Dad. When I was thirty I confronted my parents, and it did not make a difference. I found a older lady who was glad to be my pretend Grandma, and I found great satisfaction from her being in my life. If anyone would have touched my children, I would of kicked the person to the curb. I pray Heidi can know she is so valuable, and precious, and take this situation, and let it be motivation to help someone else. If we help someone else it makes us fill the pain with goodness.

 

 
February 9, 2008, 12:11 pm CST

You're not alone anymore Heidi

I know this is one show I won't miss. I'm another one of the huge sisterhood out there of strong women who have survived childhood sexual abuse. In my case, the perp was also my biological father. He was too shrewd to create a situation where my mother could walk in on him. The first instance occured when my mother was in hospital for 2 weeks. He sent my brother to camp, and he had an open field; I was 8. After that he made sure future incidents took place outside of the home eg his office (on the floor ... I can still smell that carpet to this day). What a sick pleasure it must have given him at work the next day, knowing he had violated his daughter in the same spot some co-worker was standing on.  The fact that my mother never "walked in" on the violation by no means tells me she didn't have her suspicions. I can remember back to the year before - when I was 7 - and my mother telling me that I shouldn't sit on my father's knee. I didn't understand then ; it made a lot of sense to me as I looked back later. What did she know/see that made her admonish a little girl not to sit on her daddy's knee?  I won't go into the whole story here. Bottom line - when I finally did end up telling my mother( a few years later), she told me I was a liar. The point I wanted to make here is for Heidi, and all the other Heidi(s),........I don't know what's going to happen on the show, but the strength you need to be a survivor is in YOU. Ultimately it doesn't matter if your mother apologizes, accepts her share of responsibility for what was done to you or not. She is a flawed woman with hangups of her own. She's not made of the stuff that a "mother" needs to be made of. If she were, you're childhood would have been different. Try to look at her as just a person with problems. Her insecurities and need to keep her husband (even him!) in her life outweighed her responsibility as a mother. I don't think she chose her behaviour; I think her weakness and insecuries/hang-ups chose that behaviour for her. In other words, Heidi, don't look to her for something she can't give you. Give it to yourself, hon. I went through a stage where I felt tremendous anger toward both my parents. Guess who got hurt?.....right, me. One of the things I've learned so far that the love and acceptance we're all looking for has been there along. We all have it to GIVE, right?.....now we just have to learn how to ACCEPT it - from ourselves. I look forward to watching you on the show. Be strong.

 
February 9, 2008, 12:26 pm CST

Doctor Phil Show

Behind Closed Doctor Door Phil. What is this all about? I donot understand that at all. I will not see you on-

Wednesday Feburary 13th, 2008 because I have an a meeting at home right after work. Sincerley Your.-----

Russell Vlaanderen.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
February 9, 2008, 12:57 pm CST

derevna

 I am planning on taping the program and take my time watching it.My husband is here for me if I need him to be,but I think I need to watch it alone.
 
February 9, 2008, 12:59 pm CST

when will it ever end dr phil?

 i dont know what to think about this country we live in anylonger,  i just watched the clip of this show and cant beleive my eyes or ears, i was glad however to hear you going off on that wanna be mother, i know thats not nice of me to say shes a wanna be mom but its the nicest thing i can think of at this moment to say about her, all i have to say is i am praying for our country as i type this message, i ask god to step in and set the records straight as only he can do, one child being molested is one too many, no child should have to be put in that situation for no one for no reason, it dont matter if the pedifile is male or female, kick there asses out to the curb and call the cops, do not look the other way and say it will go away IT WONT EVER GO AWAY AND A CHILD NEVER FORGETS!!!!!
 
February 9, 2008, 1:09 pm CST

carrie

Quote From: vixiex

Patricia-

Being a mom to 4 beautiful children, I will never understand how a mother can allow that to happen to their child, and God forgive me, not kill that man.   It wouldn't even cross my mind to blame my child.

 

I commend you and your sister.  It takes a lot of strength and courage to bring someone to justice for this - especially when it's your father/step-father.  Unfortunately, I don't think anyone ever completely heals from something like that; I think you just move on and come to some sort of terms with it.   It is part of what makes you stronger and more aware  - especially with your own children and grandchildren.  I'm sure you are a wonderful Mom and Grandma.

 

God Bless you -

Carrie

 like you I can't understand how my mother could have stood by,how she could have slept with him again.I have 2 daughters and would die if something like this happened to them.

 It was many years before I knew he abused my sisters.It amazes me how we all kept quiet to protect each other.We all thought we were the only ones.When  we found out we pressed the charges we are luck to live in Canada were there are statue of limitation.

patricia

 
February 9, 2008, 1:10 pm CST

child sexual abuse

I am a 51 year old woman who still is living with the scars of being sexually, mentally and physically abused by my father. The sexual abuse started when I was 9 until I was 15. I ran away from home at 15, and it was then that a woman in the community where I grew up, befriended me, and I finally shared my story. She went to the local police and told them everything. I understand now why she did  this, but at the time it made my life worse than the abuse I endured. My father went out into the small community I grew up in and told everyone how I was spreading awful lies about him. Everyone believed him and I had to face neighbours and peers alike, hearing them talk about me in such a negative way. The Minister of my church called to meet with me, and blasted me for spreading lies about my own parent. My father was charged with Incest, and I had to  appear in court and tell my story. I was on the stand for 2 days, as my fathers lawyer tried to convince the judge that I was the one  who made it a habit of throwing myself at older men. It was the worse time of my life, as I felt no one believed me, but the Judge did find my father guilty, and sentenced him to two years probation. Because it was a closed court case, and the judge ordered that anything said within the court room  was not to be leaked out, my life never did change for the better. My father went back to the community and told everyone that he was found not guilty, and everyone believed him.

 

My mother continued to live with my father and my five sibblings for eight more years. I rarely saw my mother during those years, but when I did, she would call me very harsh names-- whore, slut. I never understood how she could do this. My father passed away 4 years ago, and I felt certain all my adult life with no contact with him, that his death would have no impact on me. When I learned of his passing, I realized it had a bigger impact than I was prepared for. Somewhere within me, I realized I was waiting for him to admit that he did wrong and would appoligize to me. When he passed, it hit home that I would never get this from him. To this day I am hurting more over the fact that I was judged by everyone for believing I was out to destroy a parent by creating lies, not knowing that it was all true. Sometimes I wish I could get the transcripts of the court case, but after this many years, I know I would not be helping myself by bringing it all up again.

 

Just last year I confronted my mother on the hurtful things she said to me during this time. I did not expect her response when she denied everything I know she said. Now I need to accept the fact that my mother is not able to take respondability for the part she played in what she said and done. I know in my heart that what happened is true, but know now I will go to my grave remembered as the person who tried to destroy my family with lies. In all reality I will go to my grave knowing what it feels like to not be believed, or have those closest to me continue to deny their part they played in a very difficult time in my life.

 
February 9, 2008, 1:22 pm CST

02/13 Behind Closed Doors

I can't believe the stories on this particular board.  It hurts to just read what you ladies have experienced.  I am shocked and stunned reading that your mother's did nothing to help and basically allowed the abuse to continue.  I was happy to hear about the father who served years in prison.  The police officer will get his at some point in life, that is if he hasn't already.  Karma is a mug.  You ladies are truly strong and an inspiration.  God bless you and I hope you continue to heal. 
 
February 9, 2008, 1:43 pm CST

Angry

What mother in her right mind would let something like this keep going on? If i caught my husband doing that to my child he'd be dead or in jail depending upon what came first. These mothers who allow this to happen are just as guilty as the perps doing this as far as I am concerned and need to be locked up as well.
 
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