Quote From: lashel52We are not alone Patricia....there are thousands of us.
My mother knew all along and did nothing also. I convinced myself that it was because of having kids to feed alone if she 'did something'. I developed MPD as a way to cope. By the time he was arrested, there were 7 of us and my siblings were told "SHE wanted your father and I wouldn't give him up so she lied and had him taken away from us". They believed that for MANY years. It was very painful but eventually, they realized on their own what the 'truth' was. They had their own 'flashbacks' and problems with drugs and alcohol. Even though they were young, how could they (forever) forget the night he was arrested? Caught in the act by aunts and uncles that came to visit (thanks to a call from me), me tied to the bed, police arriving with the flashing lights? He never abused his own kids (I was a step-daughter), but because of the arrest and him going to prison, they lived their own hell. Being the 'cause', I couldn't help them.
I 'divorced' myself from my 'mother' about 30 years ago (best thing I ever did for me). I am the oldest of the brood, but have no real 'relationship' with my siblings. None of us have a sense of 'family'. We 'try' but for some reason, it just doesn't work. We feel more like strangers at family funerals (about the only time we see each other). Each of us focus on our immediate family, work hard and leave the past (and each other) 'in the past'. When they see me, it brings back painful memories and makes me grieve for ever being born. I finally realized the best thing I can do for them is to stay away....not hard to do since we all live in different states. Some of them don't understand why I divorced myself from our 'mother' and I can't explain. I am the only child from my father (he died) and feel soooo 'alone' in the world of my 'family'.
The multitude of issues surrounding incest go beyond most folks imagination. Even with a show like this, I doubt most folks will ever understand the damage that is done. I watch Dr. Phil EVERY day, but I'm not sure I can watch THIS show!
I am 56, have 2 children and 2 grandchildren. You are NOT ALONE Patricia, I understand! I sometimes wonder about 'our generation' as it seems much more prevalent in our age group.
Good luck to you,
Sunny
I too am one of those - 53 years old. My mother moved us - my 11-year-old brother and I at 4 years old - in with her boyfriend shortly after his wife died, and while she enjoyed the prestige of living with a man with a house and his own business, I had to put up with him coming into the bathroom whenever I bathed, even taking a movie of me naked in the bath. I also had to go in and scrub his back for him when he was in the bathtub. I can still remember the first time he slipped his tongue into my mouth - I was 6 - at a birthday party, when everyone was there so I couldn't do anything about it. My brother and I confronted my mother and her answer was, that we would grow up and leave her and she deserved to have someone take care of HER, so if we really loved her we had to put up with this. It endured through not being able to date as a teenager, not receive calls from boys, to not being allowed to shut my bedroom door, and him finally ordering me to bed a 7pm one evening, while telling my mother she owed him a virgin. (He refused to marry her until she was pregnant with a child by him - it took 9 years). I managed to escape being raped, but my ultimate horror was having my Mom stopping me at the door, asking me to just let him have one night ! I left and found out years later my Mom covered up by telling family and neighbors that I was involved with a motorcycle gang that broke into houses - so they wouldn't talk to me or invite me in. In fact I had worked with police as a private investigator, then put myself through college for 3 years to become a radio news anchor, eventually national. I also went through 20 years of therapy - have a much happier life that I could have imagined, and actually work at promoting awareness of sexual abuse and domestic violence. We can't have enough of this awareness on television, especially about the mothers who pretend they don't know - or in my case - using me as a dumping ground and scapegoat to keep her boyfriend happy until she could get pregnant and get him to marry her.
I also divorced myself from my mother for the past 20 years, and avoid my mother's boyfriend/husband's children. They never treated my brother and I as anything other than interlopers anyway. It was the best choice for me, and I now have wonderful friends who make up my new family. In my case, after what happened, I never wanted to be married or have children. But I have many children I love in my life in my new and healthy 'family'.
I don't know if this will wake many of the women up - but PLEASE Dr. Phil, please send out a message to those terrified kids afraid they won't be loved if they talk or don't give in - PLEASE tell them to talk to someone they can trust, that they really don't have to do this to be loved! And also, thank-you for addressing this on national television. We can't hear this enough, even though it brings up horrible memories of betrayal and abandonment for some of us. Thank-you Dr. Phil.
C.
(Original Air Date: 02/13/08) When people think of sexual predators, they often envision a pervert wearing a trench coat walking the streets. But research shows that a family friend, helper or relative is often the person who victimizes innocent children. Heidi was sexually molested by her stepfather, John, for 12 years. Her mother, Susan, knew it was happening because she walked in on an attack when Heidi was 9, but she stayed with her husband for years after, even as the molestation continued. When Dr. Phil confronts Susan, will she apologize to her daughter? After two decades and years of mental anguish, will Heidi receive answers from her mother? The sparks fly as mother and daughter go head to head. Will they heal their wounds and reunite? Then, the man who Heidi accused of molesting her joins the show. Find out what he reveals and why Dr. Phil doesn't believe him. And, why does Heidi say she has more respect for her abuser than her mother? The twists and turns in this story will shock you. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
