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Topic : 07/24 Behind Closed Doors

Number of Replies: 1570
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Created on : Friday, February 08, 2008, 12:21:46 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 02/13/08) When people think of sexual predators, they often envision a pervert wearing a trench coat walking the streets. But research shows that a family friend, helper or relative is often the person who victimizes innocent children. Heidi was sexually molested by her stepfather, John, for 12 years. Her mother, Susan, knew it was happening because she walked in on an attack when Heidi was 9, but she stayed with her husband for years after, even as the molestation continued. When Dr. Phil confronts Susan, will she apologize to her daughter? After two decades and years of mental anguish, will Heidi receive answers from her mother? The sparks fly as mother and daughter go head to head. Will they heal their wounds and reunite? Then, the man who Heidi accused of molesting her joins the show. Find out what he reveals and why Dr. Phil doesn't believe him. And, why does Heidi say she has more respect for her abuser than her mother? The twists and turns in this story will shock you. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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February 10, 2008, 5:39 am CST

Thank you Dr Phil

Thank you Dr Phil.

 

My mother watches your show every day, this is the show I need her to watch. (I am shaking just trying to write this) My father use to go into my room as well as the washroom when I was in the shower. My mother had to have known what was going on because (I just found out) my older sister was being abused by my father when she was 15 yrs old. I was 12 1/2 yrs old. My mother moved my sister out of her room (right beside my parents room) and moved her into my room. I guess my mother didn't think he would come after me but he did. I put up with this until I was 15 yrs old, pregnant with my boyfriends baby and moved out. So I guess your show a few weeks ago was also me. I am now 41 and have had a difficult time with flashbacks among other things, but I SURVIVED.

 

Note: My father was also an alcholic with a bad temper.

 

My mother and I have a strand relationship because she just doesn't get it and she has never said I am sorry.  She said to my sister " why can't you girls get over it, he's dead". Boy do I wish you could set her straight.

There is way more to this story but it would take a long time to get into so I won't .

 

Thank you with all my heart.

Linda

 
February 10, 2008, 6:25 am CST

I get it

I won't be watching the show but will probably read it later, watching it would be triggering but reading I can detach. I commend the woman and everyone else who has been able to confront parents and perpertraters.  My mom did the same thing, but I would never confront her.  She has spent her whole life in denial, my birth was the first thing she did right, in my grandmothers eyes.  For her to admit what she knows would either cause a major mental break, or she just couldn't. God made me stronger than her.  He gave me a way to cope as a child...though DID is not a good thing when you don't "need" it any more.  I feel like me confronting her would be worse for her than beneficial for me.  I envy those who can hear the words out of the perpertraters mouths and know that "they aren't crazy", "I didn't make it up". Which I worry about all the time.  I admire those who can ask and get their answers.
 
February 10, 2008, 11:08 am CST

Yes - there are thousands of us

Quote From: lashel52

We are not alone Patricia....there are thousands of us.

My mother knew all along and did nothing also.  I convinced myself that it was because of having kids to feed alone if she 'did something'.  I developed MPD as a way to cope.  By the time he was arrested, there were 7 of us and my siblings were told "SHE wanted your father and I wouldn't give him up so she lied and had him taken away from us".  They believed that for MANY years.  It was very painful but eventually, they realized on their own what the 'truth' was.  They had their own 'flashbacks' and problems with drugs and alcohol.  Even though they were young, how could they (forever) forget the night he was arrested?  Caught in the act by aunts and uncles that came to visit (thanks to a call from me), me tied to the bed, police arriving with the flashing lights?  He never abused his own kids (I was a step-daughter), but because of the arrest and him going to prison, they lived their own hell.  Being the 'cause', I couldn't help them.

 

I 'divorced' myself from my 'mother' about 30 years ago (best thing I ever did for me).  I am the oldest of the brood, but have no real 'relationship' with my siblings.  None of us have a sense of 'family'.  We 'try' but for some reason, it just doesn't work.  We feel more like strangers at family funerals (about the only time we see each other).  Each of us focus on our immediate family, work hard and leave the past (and each other) 'in the past'.  When they see me, it brings back painful memories and makes me grieve for ever being born.  I finally realized the best thing I can do for them is to stay away....not hard to do since we all live in different states.  Some of them don't understand why I divorced myself from our 'mother' and I can't explain.  I am the only child from my father (he died) and feel soooo 'alone' in the world of my 'family'.

 

The multitude of issues surrounding incest go beyond most folks imagination.  Even with a show like this, I doubt most folks will ever understand the damage that is done.  I watch Dr. Phil EVERY day, but I'm not sure I can watch THIS show! 

 

I am 56, have 2 children and 2 grandchildren.  You are NOT ALONE Patricia, I understand!  I sometimes wonder about 'our generation' as it seems much more prevalent in our age group.

 

Good luck to you,

Sunny         

I too am one of those - 53 years old. My mother moved us - my 11-year-old brother and I at 4 years old - in with her boyfriend shortly after his wife died, and while she enjoyed the prestige of living with a man with a house and his own business, I had to put up with him coming into the bathroom whenever I bathed, even taking a movie of me naked in the bath. I also had to go in and scrub his back for him when he was in the bathtub. I can still remember the first time he slipped his tongue into my mouth - I was 6 - at a birthday party, when everyone was there so I couldn't do anything about it. My brother and I confronted my mother and her answer was, that we would grow up and leave her and she deserved to have someone take care of HER, so if we really loved her we had to put up with this. It endured through not being able to date as a teenager, not receive calls from boys, to not being allowed to shut my bedroom door, and him finally ordering me to bed a 7pm one evening, while telling my mother she owed him a virgin. (He refused to marry her until she was pregnant with a child by him - it took 9 years). I managed to escape being raped, but my ultimate horror was having my Mom stopping me at the door, asking me to just let him have one night !  I left and found out years later my Mom covered up by telling family and neighbors that I was involved with a motorcycle gang that broke into houses - so they wouldn't talk to me or invite me in.  In fact I had worked with police as a private investigator, then put myself through college for 3 years to become a radio news anchor, eventually national. I also went through 20 years of therapy - have a much happier life that I could have imagined, and actually work at promoting awareness of sexual abuse and domestic violence.  We can't have enough of this awareness on television, especially about the mothers who pretend they don't know - or in my case - using me as a dumping ground and scapegoat to keep her boyfriend happy until she could get pregnant and get him to marry her. 

   I also divorced myself from my mother for the past 20 years, and avoid my mother's boyfriend/husband's children. They never treated my brother and I as anything other than interlopers anyway. It was the best choice for me, and I now have wonderful friends who make up my new family. In my case, after what happened, I never wanted to be married or have children. But I have many children I love in my life in my new and healthy 'family'.

  I don't know if this will wake many of the women up - but PLEASE Dr. Phil, please send out a message to those terrified kids afraid they won't be loved if they talk or don't give in - PLEASE tell them to talk to someone they can trust, that they really don't have to do this to be loved! And also, thank-you for addressing this on national television. We can't hear this enough, even though it brings up horrible memories of betrayal and abandonment for some of us. Thank-you Dr. Phil.

C.

 
February 10, 2008, 11:59 am CST

Abused and Mom stayed married to my abuser

     I was abused when I was 12-13 by my biological father.   I told my mother and was taken to a psychiatrist to see if I was lying.  Psychiatrist said since I had a vivid imagination, I was probably lying.   I attempted suicide after my mother wanted to put me in a bedroom downstairs with a lock on the inside to keep my father away from me.  I said no.  I went into a foster home and my mother had their phone number changed so I couldn't call my siblings and my siblings were told I was sent away because I was not obeying the rules.  To make a longgggg story shorter,  I moved away (myself) to my Grammys after my Grandfather passed away, and I lived there till my mother decided I was NOT going to be raised by anyone but her and my father.  So, they followed me, and I had to move back in with them.   My father continued (not physically touching) to spying on me when I was bathing, and playing with my underwear.  I soon married, to get away, and mother stayed with my father till he died.  She now still doesn't believe me, and I had been told I was the reason their marriage was so bad.  I am an outcast and I suppose I will be the rest of my life.  My mother now has said she wishes I had never told my youngest brother about my molestation, since it has soo upset him, well booohooo.   I am bitter, and still angry at the treatment I still receive about this, and I guess I will never get over it.  Dr. Phil,  I have been in councelling, and still, this is a thorn in my side.....any suggestions?   Your Biggest Fan,  Deanna
 
February 10, 2008, 1:01 pm CST

02/13 Behind Closed Doors

Quote From: ladyehawke

 1st, thanks to all who posted.  We are the brave ones; we are the couragious ones.  I don't know that I'll be able to watch this program.  I'd want to ask "she who gave birth" to this precious lady, "What were you thinking?"  I'd want to ask the "biological sperm bank" , "What were you thinking?"  I was about age 4 when my father began making nightly visits.  His one brother molested me, I think just once.  My father used to take me to the bars.  One time, if I recall correctly the patrons "played" with me.  My mother physically, verbally, emotionally abused me.  The sexual assaults stopped, at least, from them when my youngest sister turned about age 4.  I tried in 1985, when I was yet in counseling, to confront my parents.  They denied it.  My mother said that I was making it up and to just forget about it.  She also said that I must have enjoyed what my uncle had done.  I stopped any contact w/ them after that.  They haven't seen my four wonderful children, attended any weddings, or seen my grandchildren.  My husband and I made one more attempt in 2003.  My father exploded -- nothing new -- and my mother talked about how hard life had been for her living with him.  That's it.

 

           Typical.  My father was not the one who abused me.  It was an elderly  neighbor who did "free babysitting."  Over 15 years, he amassed about 30 victums.

          Still, when my mother found out about the abuse to my sister, she didn't behave one bit better.  My favorite is hearing all about how I had "seduced" him.  (I was 4 and one half.  My dear, sweet little sister was only 3)

          Mom's favorite advice has always been for me to forget about it.  It didn't happen.  I'm imagining it.  I guess it means that unpleasant things are not allowed to happen in her wonderful little world.  To her, or my sister.  I have always felt responsible.  I probably always will.   

 
February 10, 2008, 4:56 pm CST

02/13 Behind Closed Doors

Quote From: pyatti

I'm eager to see the upcoming show too.  Everytime I see the commercials I wonder if my mother is watching the same commercial.  My story is the same, except that it was my biological father and he was a police officer.  I told my mother the first time it happened at the age of 8, she pulled my hair and scolded me saying that it happened in his sleep and that he thought I was her.  The abuse continued and got worse.  5 years later when she found out he was having an affair with an 18 year old, I told her again.  This time she was willing to believe me.  We went down to the police station and I told my story to a room full of police officers and the chief of police, it was all tape recorded.  What a way to spend my 13th birthday.  Two weeks later my dad was severely depressed and suicidal talked my mother into forgiving him.  She was able to talk the chief of police into dropping the rape charges if my father agreed to resign and leave town quietly.  At the age of 13, I was left with no one else to turn.  To this day my mother says that he did this in his sleep and thought I was her, even though he has admitted it all to her.  They are still together.  My brothers have both allowed their daughters to spend the night over at their house.  My mother has taken babysitting jobs for little girls.  And I have moved thousands of miles away.  I married at 19, I'm still married and I thank God for allowing me to move far away and for helping me to survive.  My mother has never apologized and feels I'm unforgiving and need to let go of the past.  I forgive, but some things you just can't forget.  

     It seems like you were done wrong at every turn you made as a child. You can make sure that it never happens to any of your children. And make sure they know that they can always count on you to be on their side.

 
February 10, 2008, 5:04 pm CST

02/13 Behind Closed Doors

Quote From: deanna1954

     I was abused when I was 12-13 by my biological father.   I told my mother and was taken to a psychiatrist to see if I was lying.  Psychiatrist said since I had a vivid imagination, I was probably lying.   I attempted suicide after my mother wanted to put me in a bedroom downstairs with a lock on the inside to keep my father away from me.  I said no.  I went into a foster home and my mother had their phone number changed so I couldn't call my siblings and my siblings were told I was sent away because I was not obeying the rules.  To make a longgggg story shorter,  I moved away (myself) to my Grammys after my Grandfather passed away, and I lived there till my mother decided I was NOT going to be raised by anyone but her and my father.  So, they followed me, and I had to move back in with them.   My father continued (not physically touching) to spying on me when I was bathing, and playing with my underwear.  I soon married, to get away, and mother stayed with my father till he died.  She now still doesn't believe me, and I had been told I was the reason their marriage was so bad.  I am an outcast and I suppose I will be the rest of my life.  My mother now has said she wishes I had never told my youngest brother about my molestation, since it has soo upset him, well booohooo.   I am bitter, and still angry at the treatment I still receive about this, and I guess I will never get over it.  Dr. Phil,  I have been in councelling, and still, this is a thorn in my side.....any suggestions?   Your Biggest Fan,  Deanna

   

       Do you really want to keep the peace?  That is easy.  All you have to do is remember that you are the least important member of the family.  Everyone else matters more.  Especially since the abuser is more important dead than you are alive!   You are the one that made your mother her lose her illusion that she had one big happy family! 

    Yep, I've been there myself. 

     You aren't as alone, or as crazy as you feel.

    

 
February 10, 2008, 9:41 pm CST

Sharing

I've been reading all the posts, and I want to say thank you to everyone who posted their stories. It wasn't too long ago that topics like incest and sexual abuse weren't discussed in public. Thankfully those days are long gone. The only things that belong in the closet are the abusers, not the issues! One of the advantages of knowing how widespread this abuse is lets the victims know they're not alone. I never knew that. I spent most of my childhood feeling ashamed, guilty and dirty. In school I compared myself to all the other little girls who I assumed went home to perfect little families, where the type of horror I knew never happened. I became extremely shy, and a loner. I thought that if I looked anyone in the eye they'd somehow know I was bad.  Perphaps if there had been forums like this one, I wouldn't have felt so isolated. I've heard that from other abused women too.  So once again, thank you to everyone who had the courage to share.
 
February 11, 2008, 6:40 am CST

One of us...

Quote From: cc_phoenix

I too am one of those - 53 years old. My mother moved us - my 11-year-old brother and I at 4 years old - in with her boyfriend shortly after his wife died, and while she enjoyed the prestige of living with a man with a house and his own business, I had to put up with him coming into the bathroom whenever I bathed, even taking a movie of me naked in the bath. I also had to go in and scrub his back for him when he was in the bathtub. I can still remember the first time he slipped his tongue into my mouth - I was 6 - at a birthday party, when everyone was there so I couldn't do anything about it. My brother and I confronted my mother and her answer was, that we would grow up and leave her and she deserved to have someone take care of HER, so if we really loved her we had to put up with this. It endured through not being able to date as a teenager, not receive calls from boys, to not being allowed to shut my bedroom door, and him finally ordering me to bed a 7pm one evening, while telling my mother she owed him a virgin. (He refused to marry her until she was pregnant with a child by him - it took 9 years). I managed to escape being raped, but my ultimate horror was having my Mom stopping me at the door, asking me to just let him have one night !  I left and found out years later my Mom covered up by telling family and neighbors that I was involved with a motorcycle gang that broke into houses - so they wouldn't talk to me or invite me in.  In fact I had worked with police as a private investigator, then put myself through college for 3 years to become a radio news anchor, eventually national. I also went through 20 years of therapy - have a much happier life that I could have imagined, and actually work at promoting awareness of sexual abuse and domestic violence.  We can't have enough of this awareness on television, especially about the mothers who pretend they don't know - or in my case - using me as a dumping ground and scapegoat to keep her boyfriend happy until she could get pregnant and get him to marry her. 

   I also divorced myself from my mother for the past 20 years, and avoid my mother's boyfriend/husband's children. They never treated my brother and I as anything other than interlopers anyway. It was the best choice for me, and I now have wonderful friends who make up my new family. In my case, after what happened, I never wanted to be married or have children. But I have many children I love in my life in my new and healthy 'family'.

  I don't know if this will wake many of the women up - but PLEASE Dr. Phil, please send out a message to those terrified kids afraid they won't be loved if they talk or don't give in - PLEASE tell them to talk to someone they can trust, that they really don't have to do this to be loved! And also, thank-you for addressing this on national television. We can't hear this enough, even though it brings up horrible memories of betrayal and abandonment for some of us. Thank-you Dr. Phil.

C.

I am so sorry you had to go through this too.  However, I love it that you turned things around and became an advocate.  I admire your determination to succeed at your life. 

 

My problem is...and has always been..."talk to someone they can trust".  Who would that be?  If it is a parent that is doing the abuse or ignoring it...their primary trust is so shattered that it's hard to trust anyone else!  Teachers, preachers, even police...can re-victimize us!  And everyone blames US!  With so many stories of false accusations - people automatically assume the kid is 'making it up' and side with the 'poor adult'.  Proof?  How do we PROVE what happened?  It's our word against theirs!  I did try to tell, only to be molested by some of the very people I trusted to help me!  After all...I was 'damaged goods' at that point and had 'nothing to loose'.  Already painted as a liar...who would believe that the youth minister or teacher would do such a thing?  Because of my own history, I often wonder how many of those 'false accusations' are really true but the kid recanted out of fear?

 

I'm called a 'survivor'.  Little does anyone understand the horror that continues in my mind.  The guilt, shame and self-blame strip the hide rite off your soul.  I 'survived' only to become someone that can't trust, has many issues with sex and relationships and spends years in a therapists office to integrate my 'parts'?  I watched my husband around my daughter like a hawk.  I stayed married so she would never have a 'step-father' or any other man that mite hurt her.  I became a 'survivor' of my marriage too.  By the time my children were out of high school and I could leave - I was but a shell of a person.  I wish I had done like you and never married or had children.  Not that I don't love mine...but they paid a price for having a 'survivor' for a mom.  They didn't have 'family' on moms side, watched mom be emotionally abused by their dad....just so many issues that children shouldn't have to live with.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but I thought I was 'surviving' pretty well.  I had a good job, bought my own home and was remodeling it alone...everything seemed 'peachy'.  Then I hit 50 and it started to unravel...I had a severe breakdown and lost my home and job.  I could handle depression...I was used to it, but the panic and anxiety attacks that plagued me daily...sometimes by the hour were more than I could bare!  My 'past' came flooding back with flashbacks that sent me into tailspins.  I started calling my brain the 'hen house' because of the chaos from my parts....it truly sounded like a hen house!  Until my breakdown - I didn't even know I HAD 'parts' (alters)!  They had always been there and I thought everyone had them!  I thought everyone could 'step out' when they couldn't handle a situation.  I had soooo much to learn - still do!

 

I am so thankful for the training kids of today get with the 'good touch/bad touch' and when/why they should 'tell'.  Awareness/knowledge is a powerful thing.  Perhaps someday there will be little to no incest/child molestation.

 

I'm proud of you for what you have accomplished with your life...keep up the good work!

Sunny

 
February 11, 2008, 7:02 am CST

Mother/daughter incest

Quote From: violinplayer

Does anyone know anything about mother and daughter incest? I am a survivor. My mother started molesting me when I was about 5. It stopped around 13, when I found out that I was much stronger than her. There is hardly information on that. Can someone post a book or something that I can read about to continue on in my life

Thanks

God Bless

 

If you Google Mother/daughter incest you will find articles and books on the subject.  However, I suggest you find yourself a therapist to help you work through the many layers of damage that has been done to you.  It's hard work and takes time, but it's best to have a professional help you.  I read many self-help books and thought I was 'fine' till I turned 50 and had a breakdown.  Reckon the saying: "you can run but you cannot hide" is true.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you and you have been trying to deal with it alone.  I hope you get the help you need.  Best of luck to you.

 

Sunny

 
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