Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - 07/24 Behind Closed Doors

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February 13, 2008, 4:14 pm PST

Thank you Dr. phil

Dr. phil
Thank you, You are so on!! Mom is in such denial . The daughter needs her to just shut up and listen no matter how much it hurts Because the daughter took the pain and shame for how many years? ! She needs to shut up and listen to her daughter a thousand more years untill her daughter feels like she is done and can finally forgive. SHE needs to listen. I believe her daughter has forgiven her father. It is for her survival, for her to be able to move forward in her own life. It is not for her mother to question her actions. Her daughter has taken the power back. She will never forget but when the time is right,on her time and place and moment she can move into forgiveness. Moms SHUT UP and LISTEN and LISTEN.. until the end of time. You owe it to your children to protect them and LISTEN!! There is always reminders every single day of what you have survived and your daughter needs you to listen. She has the right to be mad as hell! Help her to move on to forgiveness by acknowledging, not judging her for her anger or tears. She has felt the shame and self hatred and inadequate for too long. Grow with her,cry with her and LISTEN.

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amandaro

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February 13, 2008, 4:14 pm PST

02/13 Behind Closed Doors

Quote From: redmondc

I watched the show "Behaind Closed Doors" and Dr Phil was down right cruel to the mother who admitted numerous of times that she did wrong. There isn't anything she can do to undo what was done.

Dr phil continued to berate the mother when she said she tried to get help and was told to go away. Looking at the age of Heidi she is near the age of my son. In the 1970's the authorities thought sexual assault, domestic violence, rape and child molestation were brought on by the victims. I have records at my Doctor's office where he called the police of where I lived and was laughed at as I sat bleeding in his office from my husband's abuse. I was laughed at by the same police and their comment to me was "well honey what did you do this time, burn the toast?" Seriously there were very few shelters and help for women in the late sixties through the late seventies. It was the feminist movement that brought the attention to the forefront.

My brother was a life time military man and the military is supposed to punish ( by their rules) adulteres, well he committed adultery twice while he was in the service and was never even slapped on the wrist. So I believe Susan and how she was treated in the 70's or early 80's by the military.

I have also lived in a forgein country and need help and it isn't an easy road to navigate.

The woman admitted she was trying to know what to do. I know of women who told their parents of abuse and molestation and their parents couldn't believe it was happening and did not offer help. Yeah Heidi said her grandparents were great but did she really know them like her mother? NO!

What happened isn't right but to constantly tell Susan she was soooo wrong after she said she was is also wrong. Dr Phil needs to step back because there weren't shelters in all cities in the world like there aren't today. The authorities didn't do anything about rape, and domestic abuse or molestations with any serious consequences until they started getting sued.

In my neighborhood there were three girls molested by a neighbor in 1967 and he was given 1 year of probation and was told to move from the neighborhood. I was in school with his son and 20 plus years later his son and I met on the internet and talked about those days. Even he is appaulled that the only punishment his dad got was a year of probation especially considering how it effected the son having to be known as the molester's son.

I just think Dr Phil should not have been grand standing quiet so much for Heidi holding a begrudgement towards her mother, when her mother pled that she had made mistakes. She cannot undo the past. Just get on with your life and be glad that today the world is different and there is support for women of abuse and children of abuse, when there are days that such support did not exist. I lived through it and know.

I was raped at 16 at knife point and my family was threatend and it happened on the grounds of my church where I thought the guy was from the church. The police, my husband and other men all said I caused it by being there. Nothing was done except my statement was taken....!!! Actually my abusive husband when we got home from the police station socked me in the eye for cheating on him!!! There was no help back then, and yes many of you can state "IF I" but until you walk in the shoes and know the helplessnes of the feeling that the whole world blames you and its your fault, you can talk to the hand.

I am sorry. But, that mother was showing no remourse for not taking care of her daughter. And another thing. There weren't places to go I can understand that.. but, I would take matters into my own hands before I would allow someone to hurt my children!!! I don't care if I had to live under a bridge, that would be better than allowing some pervert to molest my child!

You stated that this daughter just needs to move on! You being victim knows that is not possible! You can't tell me the rape doesn't haunt you today! You can be glad you have today but the pain will always be there!!! There is never a full escape from the violation, it is a life sentence!

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dave_d

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February 13, 2008, 4:15 pm PST

The woman is a lost cause

I can't believe that woman. And at the end she said again " I don't understand the mind of a pedifile " She doesn't have to understand his mind. She needed to understand that her daughter was in danger, and she didn't do a damn thing. She needs to understand the mind of her daughter. Her problem is, she is to worried about her defense instead of listening to what her daughter is saying. I have to commend Dr. Phil for holding it together. This woman is clearly a lost cause, and there is no getting through to her. My advice to the daughter would be. Wash your hands with your mother. As long as she is alive, she will never change her additude. When she was telling Dr. Phil about I can't believe she went to live with him when she was 18, trying her best to put blame on her. What she is avoiding and not getting is, that was nine years after the fact. What does that have to do with what she did. It doesn't matter what her daughter did. She had a reason to make irrational decisions, what is the mothers excuse, other than being a lazy bitch and like Dr. Phil said trading her daughter for rent and medical. She should have gone to work and got her own rent money and health insurance.

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symphonymommy

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February 13, 2008, 4:15 pm PST

JAIL TIME

I simply can not imagine any mother (or father) knowing that their child was being sexually molested and not leaving the abuser! If I had to shovel ditches and each peanut butter three times a day while applying for every available government service I would walk across the world to save my child. This mother is a pathological liar and full or crap. "I don't care whether she forgets or not my best friend found me in a basment and the miliary told me I would be on my own" GARBAGE! I hope those people come to the show and tell the truth because this woman belongs in jail now!!

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diomedea13

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February 13, 2008, 4:15 pm PST

02/13 Behind Closed Doors

Yeah, it happened in my family as well. We were an Air Force family, and my mother followed my father all the way from England to marry him.

She knew my father was molesting us, but was jealous of my oldest sister. I think she believed she wanted it. She does, to this day, claim that he never touched me, the youngest daughter. While I admit he did not do much to me, stuff still happened. To my parents I have no right to complain because "it was not that bad" - this is on the occasions that they sort of admit it. Then again, I was made to know I was not wanted, accidental and lucky to have a roof over my head.

My oldest sister became a drug addict, she had children when she was 17, her first husband stabbed her and was a neo nazi. The stuff in my family carries on to my nephew, who went to live with that abusive father, picked up on his racism and tried to poison his black teacher. I do blame how my parents treated my oldest sister on what carried down the generations. Thankfully, my oldest sister has improved and my nephew did get help.

These days, 20 years later, I cannot bear to talk to my parents. I live about 3000 miles away and I am thankful for that distance. My mother calls very occasionally, and when I do talk my mother talks over me and never responds to my questions. Any discussion of what happend to me as a kid is ignored. It is as if she is deaf. I hang up on her and I get the impression she just keeps talking for another half hour.

While I think my father is despicable, I've always disliked my mother more. She could have done something, but instead she clings to this man (they are still married) as if he is pure gold. She has always had insults and slaps for her children. I believe she never wanted us, and giving us to our father was a price she was willing to pay to keep him.

All my life I have not been able to trust people. I somehow make a living, but I have no close relationships other than with the middle sister of my family. I see other people get married, I see them with babies and I know I will never have that. I simply can't and won't. My parents won.

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crimsonlioness

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February 13, 2008, 4:16 pm PST

Me Too

My mother decided to turn a blinds eyes too. I was being molested by my 2 older brothers from age 8 until I was 12. They are 4 & 3 yrs older then me. My mother walked in on the oldest molesting me & she took us into her room & she yelled & cried & made us sit on our knees & pray for forgiveness. Then she said You are SO lucky I am not going to tell your father about this. He would kill you.
After that moment she never spoke of it ever again. She never asked me if he was still touching me, never came upstairs for random spot checks. Never asked me if I was coerced into participating. I remember never telling because she always made me feel as if I was an active particpant who was a whore & just needed to tell him no. She didn't realize that I begged them both to leave me alone & I cried & I would finally start screaming through the house when I would hear the floor squeak outside my door. This finally stopped them from molesting me but they would keep up a constant sexual barrage at all times. From positioning my barbie dolls in x rated postions to leaving pornography under my pillow & pinching my breasts & slapping my butt. I had to start locking myself in my room at night & not one of my parents ever asked me why. Oh yeah thats cause my mom knew exactly why I was locking myself in & this was my statement that I was refusing their advances. Now that I am 29 & married with kids I feel safe enought to deal with this. My mom refuses to believe that she should have done more after what I call the Encounter. She acts as though I am the trouble maker for not wanting to spend the holidays with them & for stopping my oldest bro from getting custody of a girlfriends 3 yr old daughter. She gets angry that my husband wont protect them or be nice to them. She acts as though Ive turned him against them when he is just trying to be the ONE person who is on MY side. He doesnt understand how she can be so desensitized to it. My mom has even went so far as to say none of it is her fault because she told me all about not letting anyone touch my privates & if anyone did I should tell her. I chose not to tell anyone so therefore I must have wanted it or at least deserved it for not speaking up. I said I didnt tell you cause I thought you knew & didnt care. She has also admitted that this would all be so much simpler if my dad had been the abuser cause she would just cut him out. The problem is it was her precious boys & that just complicates everything for her. All I know is my children will never know them & I will not force myself to be in the same room with the very men who tried to steal my soul. The last time we spoke I laughed in her face because she said it would help me if I took responsibility for my abuse. This coming from the one person who could have stopped it. This coming from the person who tries to take no blame. I agree with Heidi that it is so much easier to forgive the abuser then the person who sacrificed you without another thought. Thank you Dr. Phil for continuing to talk about sexual abuse!

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imasurvivr

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February 13, 2008, 4:16 pm PST

02/13 Behind Closed Doors

it's so sad that so many mothers will do nothing to help their children. When I told my mother what her husband had done to me and he admitted it, DYFS came and I was interviewed and then they let me go home with both of them. He had to go to " sex offender therapy" and that was it. This happened 25 years ago and I have been in therapy for over 2 years now to deal with this , have cut off ties finally with her, as she has stayed with him. I finally had the strength to go after him to see if I could get him on a sex offender registry or arrested or pay for God knows how many therapy years more I'll need and they tell me there's nothing I can do because of the statute of limitations. If I tried to do something a few years ago I could have but no more. It makes me ill that this man is free to walk this earth. As a mother of 2 teenager boys myself, I have no idea how a mother could do what my mother has. She acts just like the mother on todays show, the poor victim!!!

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dgdprice

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February 13, 2008, 4:17 pm PST

"John" needs to be put away

Quote From: lunatec2

Thank you sweetheart. I needed that! Intense show. I hope he gets that molestor! Deal or no deal, get that jerk!!!

Is the Dr. Phil show any different than that mother? I think they should have had "John" arrested and taken off the street so he can't hurt any other children. Even Dr. Phil didn't believe "John". They know he is dangerous yet they let him remain on the streets to hurt others.

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kaw2934

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February 13, 2008, 4:18 pm PST

child molester

I hope and pray that the daughter in this case can seek the help that she needs to get over this.

But what I am most concerned about it the fact the Dr.Phil did not explain to her and her mother that neither of them should have any future contact with this child predator. I dont understand how that man can be on the show and not be in jail. He has admitted to what he has done and I don't for one minute believe that he has not tortured other children and is probably still to this day abusing children. He needs to be put away somewhere where no other child can get hurt. How is this woman going to get better when the people that harmed her have never been punished for their crimes??? I think he should be charged and sentenced and also the mother should be charged for sitting back and basically watching for all those years. Cant anyone hold them accountable???? I just dont understand..........

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toyahlean

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February 13, 2008, 4:19 pm PST

02/13 Behind Closed Doors

Quote From: redmondc

I watched the show "Behaind Closed Doors" and Dr Phil was down right cruel to the mother who admitted numerous of times that she did wrong. There isn't anything she can do to undo what was done.

Dr phil continued to berate the mother when she said she tried to get help and was told to go away. Looking at the age of Heidi she is near the age of my son. In the 1970's the authorities thought sexual assault, domestic violence, rape and child molestation were brought on by the victims. I have records at my Doctor's office where he called the police of where I lived and was laughed at as I sat bleeding in his office from my husband's abuse. I was laughed at by the same police and their comment to me was "well honey what did you do this time, burn the toast?" Seriously there were very few shelters and help for women in the late sixties through the late seventies. It was the feminist movement that brought the attention to the forefront.

My brother was a life time military man and the military is supposed to punish ( by their rules) adulteres, well he committed adultery twice while he was in the service and was never even slapped on the wrist. So I believe Susan and how she was treated in the 70's or early 80's by the military.

I have also lived in a forgein country and need help and it isn't an easy road to navigate.

The woman admitted she was trying to know what to do. I know of women who told their parents of abuse and molestation and their parents couldn't believe it was happening and did not offer help. Yeah Heidi said her grandparents were great but did she really know them like her mother? NO!

What happened isn't right but to constantly tell Susan she was soooo wrong after she said she was is also wrong. Dr Phil needs to step back because there weren't shelters in all cities in the world like there aren't today. The authorities didn't do anything about rape, and domestic abuse or molestations with any serious consequences until they started getting sued.

In my neighborhood there were three girls molested by a neighbor in 1967 and he was given 1 year of probation and was told to move from the neighborhood. I was in school with his son and 20 plus years later his son and I met on the internet and talked about those days. Even he is appaulled that the only punishment his dad got was a year of probation especially considering how it effected the son having to be known as the molester's son.

I just think Dr Phil should not have been grand standing quiet so much for Heidi holding a begrudgement towards her mother, when her mother pled that she had made mistakes. She cannot undo the past. Just get on with your life and be glad that today the world is different and there is support for women of abuse and children of abuse, when there are days that such support did not exist. I lived through it and know.

I was raped at 16 at knife point and my family was threatend and it happened on the grounds of my church where I thought the guy was from the church. The police, my husband and other men all said I caused it by being there. Nothing was done except my statement was taken....!!! Actually my abusive husband when we got home from the police station socked me in the eye for cheating on him!!! There was no help back then, and yes many of you can state "IF I" but until you walk in the shoes and know the helplessnes of the feeling that the whole world blames you and its your fault, you can talk to the hand.

It's not that she didnt say she did things wrong its that she kept playing the victum card. Not once did she say,,baby Im sorry for what happened. She didnt in anyway show any empathy for the hurt her daughter had been placed in .

I hope your no longer with the husband that hits you. Nobody deserves that ever!

Many Bright Blessings~

Terri

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