Quote From: cc_phoenixI too am one of those - 53 years old. My mother moved us - my 11-year-old brother and I at 4 years old - in with her boyfriend shortly after his wife died, and while she enjoyed the prestige of living with a man with a house and his own business, I had to put up with him coming into the bathroom whenever I bathed, even taking a movie of me naked in the bath. I also had to go in and scrub his back for him when he was in the bathtub. I can still remember the first time he slipped his tongue into my mouth - I was 6 - at a birthday party, when everyone was there so I couldn't do anything about it. My brother and I confronted my mother and her answer was, that we would grow up and leave her and she deserved to have someone take care of HER, so if we really loved her we had to put up with this. It endured through not being able to date as a teenager, not receive calls from boys, to not being allowed to shut my bedroom door, and him finally ordering me to bed a 7pm one evening, while telling my mother she owed him a virgin. (He refused to marry her until she was pregnant with a child by him - it took 9 years). I managed to escape being raped, but my ultimate horror was having my Mom stopping me at the door, asking me to just let him have one night ! I left and found out years later my Mom covered up by telling family and neighbors that I was involved with a motorcycle gang that broke into houses - so they wouldn't talk to me or invite me in. In fact I had worked with police as a private investigator, then put myself through college for 3 years to become a radio news anchor, eventually national. I also went through 20 years of therapy - have a much happier life that I could have imagined, and actually work at promoting awareness of sexual abuse and domestic violence. We can't have enough of this awareness on television, especially about the mothers who pretend they don't know - or in my case - using me as a dumping ground and scapegoat to keep her boyfriend happy until she could get pregnant and get him to marry her.
I also divorced myself from my mother for the past 20 years, and avoid my mother's boyfriend/husband's children. They never treated my brother and I as anything other than interlopers anyway. It was the best choice for me, and I now have wonderful friends who make up my new family. In my case, after what happened, I never wanted to be married or have children. But I have many children I love in my life in my new and healthy 'family'.
I don't know if this will wake many of the women up - but PLEASE Dr. Phil, please send out a message to those terrified kids afraid they won't be loved if they talk or don't give in - PLEASE tell them to talk to someone they can trust, that they really don't have to do this to be loved! And also, thank-you for addressing this on national television. We can't hear this enough, even though it brings up horrible memories of betrayal and abandonment for some of us. Thank-you Dr. Phil.
C.
I am so sorry you had to go through this too. However, I love it that you turned things around and became an advocate. I admire your determination to succeed at your life.
My problem is...and has always been..."talk to someone they can trust". Who would that be? If it is a parent that is doing the abuse or ignoring it...their primary trust is so shattered that it's hard to trust anyone else! Teachers, preachers, even police...can re-victimize us! And everyone blames US! With so many stories of false accusations - people automatically assume the kid is 'making it up' and side with the 'poor adult'. Proof? How do we PROVE what happened? It's our word against theirs! I did try to tell, only to be molested by some of the very people I trusted to help me! After all...I was 'damaged goods' at that point and had 'nothing to loose'. Already painted as a liar...who would believe that the youth minister or teacher would do such a thing? Because of my own history, I often wonder how many of those 'false accusations' are really true but the kid recanted out of fear?
I'm called a 'survivor'. Little does anyone understand the horror that continues in my mind. The guilt, shame and self-blame strip the hide rite off your soul. I 'survived' only to become someone that can't trust, has many issues with sex and relationships and spends years in a therapists office to integrate my 'parts'? I watched my husband around my daughter like a hawk. I stayed married so she would never have a 'step-father' or any other man that mite hurt her. I became a 'survivor' of my marriage too. By the time my children were out of high school and I could leave - I was but a shell of a person. I wish I had done like you and never married or had children. Not that I don't love mine...but they paid a price for having a 'survivor' for a mom. They didn't have 'family' on moms side, watched mom be emotionally abused by their dad....just so many issues that children shouldn't have to live with.
I don't know about anyone else, but I thought I was 'surviving' pretty well. I had a good job, bought my own home and was remodeling it alone...everything seemed 'peachy'. Then I hit 50 and it started to unravel...I had a severe breakdown and lost my home and job. I could handle depression...I was used to it, but the panic and anxiety attacks that plagued me daily...sometimes by the hour were more than I could bare! My 'past' came flooding back with flashbacks that sent me into tailspins. I started calling my brain the 'hen house' because of the chaos from my parts....it truly sounded like a hen house! Until my breakdown - I didn't even know I HAD 'parts' (alters)! They had always been there and I thought everyone had them! I thought everyone could 'step out' when they couldn't handle a situation. I had soooo much to learn - still do!
I am so thankful for the training kids of today get with the 'good touch/bad touch' and when/why they should 'tell'. Awareness/knowledge is a powerful thing. Perhaps someday there will be little to no incest/child molestation.
I'm proud of you for what you have accomplished with your life...keep up the good work!
Sunny
(Original Air Date: 02/13/08) When people think of sexual predators, they often envision a pervert wearing a trench coat walking the streets. But research shows that a family friend, helper or relative is often the person who victimizes innocent children. Heidi was sexually molested by her stepfather, John, for 12 years. Her mother, Susan, knew it was happening because she walked in on an attack when Heidi was 9, but she stayed with her husband for years after, even as the molestation continued. When Dr. Phil confronts Susan, will she apologize to her daughter? After two decades and years of mental anguish, will Heidi receive answers from her mother? The sparks fly as mother and daughter go head to head. Will they heal their wounds and reunite? Then, the man who Heidi accused of molesting her joins the show. Find out what he reveals and why Dr. Phil doesn't believe him. And, why does Heidi say she has more respect for her abuser than her mother? The twists and turns in this story will shock you. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
