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Topic : 07/24 Behind Closed Doors

Number of Replies: 1570
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Created on : Friday, February 08, 2008, 12:21:46 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 02/13/08) When people think of sexual predators, they often envision a pervert wearing a trench coat walking the streets. But research shows that a family friend, helper or relative is often the person who victimizes innocent children. Heidi was sexually molested by her stepfather, John, for 12 years. Her mother, Susan, knew it was happening because she walked in on an attack when Heidi was 9, but she stayed with her husband for years after, even as the molestation continued. When Dr. Phil confronts Susan, will she apologize to her daughter? After two decades and years of mental anguish, will Heidi receive answers from her mother? The sparks fly as mother and daughter go head to head. Will they heal their wounds and reunite? Then, the man who Heidi accused of molesting her joins the show. Find out what he reveals and why Dr. Phil doesn't believe him. And, why does Heidi say she has more respect for her abuser than her mother? The twists and turns in this story will shock you. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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February 9, 2008, 2:34 am CST

flashbacks

 I have seen preview of this topic for a couple of weeks now.My stomach felt sick and I started to shake.It's not like I forget it happened to me,but to know someone else went through what I did.

  I was also 9 when my mother walked in the room and found my father abusing me.I can still feel that moment when my mother said my name and asked what had I done.I remember feeling so dirty,wonder why she was angry with me.My father had been abusing me from my earliest memories.My mother also stayed with my father for a year after she found us together.My father never abused me again since then.But years later found out he abused my younger sisters(I was the oldest).

  At the time my mother found us,I remember her trying to call the police and my father took a gun and pointed  it at my little sister head(she was about 3).He told my mother and myself that he would kill her if we told anyone.

  Many years later ( 1991) my sister(3 of ) and I pressed chargers against our father and he got 18 years in prison served 13 and is out now.

 I am now 52 years old ,a mother of 3 and grandmother of 2.

  I guess I just wasn't prepared to see my past on Dr.Phil and to know how far you come in your healing it is always there.

patricia

 
February 9, 2008, 8:05 am CST

02/13 Behind Closed Doors

Quote From: grosvo

 I have seen preview of this topic for a couple of weeks now.My stomach felt sick and I started to shake.It's not like I forget it happened to me,but to know someone else went through what I did.

  I was also 9 when my mother walked in the room and found my father abusing me.I can still feel that moment when my mother said my name and asked what had I done.I remember feeling so dirty,wonder why she was angry with me.My father had been abusing me from my earliest memories.My mother also stayed with my father for a year after she found us together.My father never abused me again since then.But years later found out he abused my younger sisters(I was the oldest).

  At the time my mother found us,I remember her trying to call the police and my father took a gun and pointed  it at my little sister head(she was about 3).He told my mother and myself that he would kill her if we told anyone.

  Many years later ( 1991) my sister(3 of ) and I pressed chargers against our father and he got 18 years in prison served 13 and is out now.

 I am now 52 years old ,a mother of 3 and grandmother of 2.

  I guess I just wasn't prepared to see my past on Dr.Phil and to know how far you come in your healing it is always there.

patricia

Patricia-

Being a mom to 4 beautiful children, I will never understand how a mother can allow that to happen to their child, and God forgive me, not kill that man.   It wouldn't even cross my mind to blame my child.

 

I commend you and your sister.  It takes a lot of strength and courage to bring someone to justice for this - especially when it's your father/step-father.  Unfortunately, I don't think anyone ever completely heals from something like that; I think you just move on and come to some sort of terms with it.   It is part of what makes you stronger and more aware  - especially with your own children and grandchildren.  I'm sure you are a wonderful Mom and Grandma.

 

God Bless you -

Carrie

 
February 9, 2008, 8:42 am CST

Me too....

Quote From: grosvo

 I have seen preview of this topic for a couple of weeks now.My stomach felt sick and I started to shake.It's not like I forget it happened to me,but to know someone else went through what I did.

  I was also 9 when my mother walked in the room and found my father abusing me.I can still feel that moment when my mother said my name and asked what had I done.I remember feeling so dirty,wonder why she was angry with me.My father had been abusing me from my earliest memories.My mother also stayed with my father for a year after she found us together.My father never abused me again since then.But years later found out he abused my younger sisters(I was the oldest).

  At the time my mother found us,I remember her trying to call the police and my father took a gun and pointed  it at my little sister head(she was about 3).He told my mother and myself that he would kill her if we told anyone.

  Many years later ( 1991) my sister(3 of ) and I pressed chargers against our father and he got 18 years in prison served 13 and is out now.

 I am now 52 years old ,a mother of 3 and grandmother of 2.

  I guess I just wasn't prepared to see my past on Dr.Phil and to know how far you come in your healing it is always there.

patricia

We are not alone Patricia....there are thousands of us.

My mother knew all along and did nothing also.  I convinced myself that it was because of having kids to feed alone if she 'did something'.  I developed MPD as a way to cope.  By the time he was arrested, there were 7 of us and my siblings were told "SHE wanted your father and I wouldn't give him up so she lied and had him taken away from us".  They believed that for MANY years.  It was very painful but eventually, they realized on their own what the 'truth' was.  They had their own 'flashbacks' and problems with drugs and alcohol.  Even though they were young, how could they (forever) forget the night he was arrested?  Caught in the act by aunts and uncles that came to visit (thanks to a call from me), me tied to the bed, police arriving with the flashing lights?  He never abused his own kids (I was a step-daughter), but because of the arrest and him going to prison, they lived their own hell.  Being the 'cause', I couldn't help them.

 

I 'divorced' myself from my 'mother' about 30 years ago (best thing I ever did for me).  I am the oldest of the brood, but have no real 'relationship' with my siblings.  None of us have a sense of 'family'.  We 'try' but for some reason, it just doesn't work.  We feel more like strangers at family funerals (about the only time we see each other).  Each of us focus on our immediate family, work hard and leave the past (and each other) 'in the past'.  When they see me, it brings back painful memories and makes me grieve for ever being born.  I finally realized the best thing I can do for them is to stay away....not hard to do since we all live in different states.  Some of them don't understand why I divorced myself from our 'mother' and I can't explain.  I am the only child from my father (he died) and feel soooo 'alone' in the world of my 'family'.

 

The multitude of issues surrounding incest go beyond most folks imagination.  Even with a show like this, I doubt most folks will ever understand the damage that is done.  I watch Dr. Phil EVERY day, but I'm not sure I can watch THIS show! 

 

I am 56, have 2 children and 2 grandchildren.  You are NOT ALONE Patricia, I understand!  I sometimes wonder about 'our generation' as it seems much more prevalent in our age group.

 

Good luck to you,

Sunny         

 
February 9, 2008, 8:47 am CST

WHY REPORT CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE W/IN 72 HOURS

Probably one of the most disturbing facts about child sexual abuse and incest, is that in 80% of reported cases, the mother of the victim was aware of the sexual abuse inflicted on the child, yet did little or nothing about it.  Just how responsible is a parent for failing to report or stop the sexual abuse of a child or family member? 

 

If the sexual assault has occurred within 72 hours of a physical examination, forensic evidence collection should be conducted.  A complete physical examination, including careful documentation of any lacerations (a torn or jagged wounds), ecchymoses (skin discoloration caused by the escape of blood into the tissues from ruptured blood vessels) or petechiae (pinpoint size flat round red dots under the skin surface caused from hemorrage - bleeding into the skin), is critical. Physical examination of the oral cavity includes inspection of the hard and soft palate for bruising or petechiae, and inspection of the frenulum (the membrane that attaches the tongue to the floor of the mouth) for any lacerations that can result from forced oral penetration. 

 

Rape evidence collection kits are available in the emergency department of most hospitals. Evaluation of acute sexual assault may be conducted in an emergency department setting or, if available, at a children's advocacy center. In nonacute cases, the office of the family physician has the benefit of being a familiar location for the patient.  The physician should maintain a gentle and calm demeanor and be considerate of the apprehensive child. It is helpful to explain the examination beforehand to the patient and caretaker.

 

Medical problems include anogential (anal) trauma, bleeding, irritation or discharge, dysuria (painful or difficult urination), frequent urinary tract infections, encopresis (repeated passing of feces into places other than the toilet), enuresis (repeated passing of urine into places other than the toilet), pregnancy, diagnosis of a sexually transmitted disease (STD) and oral trauma

 

Children may present with somatic (muscles and nerves) complaints such as recurrent agdominal pain or frequent headaches resulting from the psychologic stress.  Sexual acting-out behavior is the most specific indicator of possible sexual abuse.

 

Child sexual abuse generally refers to sexual acts, sexually motivated behaviors, or sexual exploitation involving children. Child sexual abuse includes a wide range of behaviors, such as: 

  • Oral, anal, or genital penile penetration
  • Anal or genital digital or other penetration
  • Genital contact with no intrusion
  • Fondling of a child's breasts or buttocks
  • Indecent exposure
  • Inadequate or inappropriate supervision of a child's voluntary sexual activities
  • Use of a child in prostitution, pornography, Internet crimes, or other sexually exploitative activities

Sexual abuse includes both touching offenses (fondling or sexual intercourse) and nontouching offenses (exposing a child to pornographic materials) and can involve varying degrees of violence and emotional trauma.  

 

The most commonly reported cases involve incest, or sexual abuse occurring among family members, including those in biological families, adoptive families, and stepfamilies. Incest most often occurs within a father-daughter relationship.  

 

Mother-son, father-son, and sibling-sibling incest also occurs. Sexual abuse is also sometimes committed by other relatives or caretakers.  In fifty percent of reported child sexual abuse within families the perpetrator was an OLDER SIBLING.

 

Consider the possibility of sexual abuse when the child: 

  • Has difficulty walking or sitting
  • Suddenly refuses to change for gym or to participate in physical activities
  • Reports nightmares or bedwetting
  • Experiences a sudden change in appetite
  • Demonstrates bizarre, sophisticated, or unusual sexual knowledge or behavior
  • Becomes pregnant or contracts a venereal disease, particularly if under age 14
  • Runs away
  • Reports sexual abuse by a parent or another adult caregiver

Consider the possibility of sexual abuse when the parent or other adult caregiver: 

  • Is unduly protective of the child or severely limits the child's contact with other children, especially of the opposite sex
  • Is secretive and isolated
  • Is jealous or controlling with family members 

The presence of a single sign does not prove child abuse is occurring in a family; however, when these signs appear repeatedly or in combination you should take a closer look at the situation and consider the possibility of child sexual abuse. 

 

 

CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE - DEFINED

 

Child sexual abuse (1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys) occurs among all groups of the population. It happens to children in both rural and urban areas and in all socioeconomic and educational levels, and across all racial and cultural groups.

There is no rule governing the age range between a victim and a perpetrator. Generally, children are sexually abused by adults who are related to them or known by them or their families.

Sexual abuse is forced, tricked, or coerced sexual behavior between a young person and an older person.

Child sexual abuse may consist of any one of the following acts:

1. Nudity 2. Disrobing 3. Genital exposure 4. Inappropriate kissing or fondling 6. Masturbation 7. Oral-genital contact 8. Child pornography 9. Digital penetration 10. Vaginal or anal intercourse

Acquaintance perpetrators are the most common abusers, constituting approximately 70-90% of all reported perpetrators. In sexual abuse cases committed against females, approximately one third to one-half of all perpetrators were related to the victim. Only about one-tenth of the abusers were related to their male victims. 

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

 
February 9, 2008, 8:51 am CST

MISS AMERICA BY DAY - CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

Marilyn Van Derbur, a native of Colorado, is one of four daughters of a prominent Denver businessman who is now deceased. Her father was on numerous boards and committees, was honored with buildings named for him, and was president of "all the college fraternities in America." Both parents were active volunteers, donating time and money to culture and civic organizations.

 

Marilyn's earliest memories of her father are of him entering her bed after dark. What came next was repressed for decades until Marilyn realized that her father had committed incest from the time she was five until eighteen, an estimated six hundred times.  All the while, her mother knew. Marilyn tells about her split between the "night child" victim in contrast to the "day child" over-achiever.  Anyone reading her story might experience envy for all the fame and fortune that seemed to come to her so easily and effortlessly.

 

 

Miss America By Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love by Marilyn Van Derbur

 

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm

 

Healing Anxiety and Depression (7 types of anxiety and depression) by Daniel Amen and Lisa Routh OR Getting Help:  The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Self-Assessment and Treatment of Mental Health Problems by Jeffrey Wood

  

 

Marilyn's mother would often state that she had the "perfect marriage" and Marilyn was told that she was "blessed by being born into a perfect family." Marilyn was crowned Miss America while she was attending the University of Colorado in 1958. 

 

Marilyn suffered from physical symptoms including insomnia, tics, anxiety, and panic attacks. When her body and mind rebelled against the constant travel, she experienced full body paralysis, yet doctors found no organic cause. What else might Marilyn be rebelling against? To find the answers she had to search her mind and spirit.  The physical symptoms she had endured were a manifestation of the connection between child sexual abuse and adult ailments. 

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

 
February 9, 2008, 9:59 am CST

Same story only my dad was a Cop

I'm eager to see the upcoming show too.  Everytime I see the commercials I wonder if my mother is watching the same commercial.  My story is the same, except that it was my biological father and he was a police officer.  I told my mother the first time it happened at the age of 8, she pulled my hair and scolded me saying that it happened in his sleep and that he thought I was her.  The abuse continued and got worse.  5 years later when she found out he was having an affair with an 18 year old, I told her again.  This time she was willing to believe me.  We went down to the police station and I told my story to a room full of police officers and the chief of police, it was all tape recorded.  What a way to spend my 13th birthday.  Two weeks later my dad was severely depressed and suicidal talked my mother into forgiving him.  She was able to talk the chief of police into dropping the rape charges if my father agreed to resign and leave town quietly.  At the age of 13, I was left with no one else to turn.  To this day my mother says that he did this in his sleep and thought I was her, even though he has admitted it all to her.  They are still together.  My brothers have both allowed their daughters to spend the night over at their house.  My mother has taken babysitting jobs for little girls.  And I have moved thousands of miles away.  I married at 19, I'm still married and I thank God for allowing me to move far away and for helping me to survive.  My mother has never apologized and feels I'm unforgiving and need to let go of the past.  I forgive, but some things you just can't forget.  

 
February 9, 2008, 10:30 am CST

02/13 Behind Closed Doors

Quote From: grosvo

 I have seen preview of this topic for a couple of weeks now.My stomach felt sick and I started to shake.It's not like I forget it happened to me,but to know someone else went through what I did.

  I was also 9 when my mother walked in the room and found my father abusing me.I can still feel that moment when my mother said my name and asked what had I done.I remember feeling so dirty,wonder why she was angry with me.My father had been abusing me from my earliest memories.My mother also stayed with my father for a year after she found us together.My father never abused me again since then.But years later found out he abused my younger sisters(I was the oldest).

  At the time my mother found us,I remember her trying to call the police and my father took a gun and pointed  it at my little sister head(she was about 3).He told my mother and myself that he would kill her if we told anyone.

  Many years later ( 1991) my sister(3 of ) and I pressed chargers against our father and he got 18 years in prison served 13 and is out now.

 I am now 52 years old ,a mother of 3 and grandmother of 2.

  I guess I just wasn't prepared to see my past on Dr.Phil and to know how far you come in your healing it is always there.

patricia

 

     I understand this topic too well. 

     Are you going to be able to deal with this issue enough to even watch the show?  I'm not sure I will.  The damage that jerk did to my body was nothing in comparison to number he did to my mind.    

 
February 9, 2008, 11:18 am CST

mother & daughter

Does anyone know anything about mother and daughter incest? I am a survivor. My mother started molesting me when I was about 5. It stopped around 13, when I found out that I was much stronger than her. There is hardly information on that. Can someone post a book or something that I can read about to continue on in my life

Thanks

God Bless

 

 
February 9, 2008, 11:35 am CST

Flashbacks

 1st, thanks to all who posted.  We are the brave ones; we are the couragious ones.  I don't know that I'll be able to watch this program.  I'd want to ask "she who gave birth" to this precious lady, "What were you thinking?"  I'd want to ask the "biological sperm bank" , "What were you thinking?"  I was about age 4 when my father began making nightly visits.  His one brother molested me, I think just once.  My father used to take me to the bars.  One time, if I recall correctly the patrons "played" with me.  My mother physically, verbally, emotionally abused me.  The sexual assaults stopped, at least, from them when my youngest sister turned about age 4.  I tried in 1985, when I was yet in counseling, to confront my parents.  They denied it.  My mother said that I was making it up and to just forget about it.  She also said that I must have enjoyed what my uncle had done.  I stopped any contact w/ them after that.  They haven't seen my four wonderful children, attended any weddings, or seen my grandchildren.  My husband and I made one more attempt in 2003.  My father exploded -- nothing new -- and my mother talked about how hard life had been for her living with him.  That's it.
 
February 9, 2008, 11:38 am CST

SICK-O WORLD

Quote From: pyatti

I'm eager to see the upcoming show too.  Everytime I see the commercials I wonder if my mother is watching the same commercial.  My story is the same, except that it was my biological father and he was a police officer.  I told my mother the first time it happened at the age of 8, she pulled my hair and scolded me saying that it happened in his sleep and that he thought I was her.  The abuse continued and got worse.  5 years later when she found out he was having an affair with an 18 year old, I told her again.  This time she was willing to believe me.  We went down to the police station and I told my story to a room full of police officers and the chief of police, it was all tape recorded.  What a way to spend my 13th birthday.  Two weeks later my dad was severely depressed and suicidal talked my mother into forgiving him.  She was able to talk the chief of police into dropping the rape charges if my father agreed to resign and leave town quietly.  At the age of 13, I was left with no one else to turn.  To this day my mother says that he did this in his sleep and thought I was her, even though he has admitted it all to her.  They are still together.  My brothers have both allowed their daughters to spend the night over at their house.  My mother has taken babysitting jobs for little girls.  And I have moved thousands of miles away.  I married at 19, I'm still married and I thank God for allowing me to move far away and for helping me to survive.  My mother has never apologized and feels I'm unforgiving and need to let go of the past.  I forgive, but some things you just can't forget.  

I hear so much of this happening these days, that I don't trust men at all.  It is too bad but I don't like most of them and fear that they have one thing on their minds.  I've never wanted children and never been pregnant by choice.  I've never had the family abuse but I've seen how sick the world is and don't care to bring kids into it.  I just refuse to deal with these same old problems.  Your mother is insecure and has an awfully big ego and think that her husband thought of her while this was going on.  I also think it's interesting that people demand one partner and their total loyalty, while in other ways they are no different than animals, and they probably met and based their relationship on sexual terms.   Although I was married for 14 years, my husband had other priorities, which is why I married him.  He had so many interests.   I have been a widow and single since age 38, am now 51, have lived alone since then, and OK with it.   I may find someone, but not more the most part excited about what is out there.
 
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