Topic : 07/24 Behind Closed Doors

It still amazes me to think that there are so many of us out here - and yet each of us feels alone.  It happened to me and my mother knew.  She told me I had to say "no."  This of course made me feel responsible for what had happened.  I grew up thinking that it didn't matter - that my feelings and my body didn't matter.  My mother was more worried about offending the family that was responsible than making sure I was safe.  She continued to allow me to go there to "play."  For many years I was numb to what had happened, but another recent life stressor has brought out the memories and feelings I didn't know I had.  The flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks are unbelievable to me.  I know in my head where they come from, but still the effect of what happened so long ago continues to shock me.

My abuse was not secret - it happened in a living room, in front of others.  And it happened to many little girls.  The mother of the house did nothing, my mother did nothing, the other mothers did nothing...Now that I have a daughter of my own this is shocking to me!  I can't imagine allowing her to be in such a scary place.  But it shows you how difficult it is to deal with this issue.  The secrecy is everywhere and it leaves the children feeling responsible and vulnerable.

So to all of you reading this - you are not alone.  It doesn't solve the problem.  It doesn't stop the panic or anxiety or depression.  It doesn't even help it make sense - but remember it was the adult's responsibility to fix this - not the child's. 

And all of you who can break the silence - I am amazed at your courage.

  My heart goes out to Heidi.  Susan is in denial and was NOT a good loving Mother-there is no excuse!!!!

When my Uncle molested me ,and my Mother found out-she came unglued-she called him over and sent me out side and when he came out his face was red as a beat.  That was a start, but she did not go to the police-she said in those days, the girl was always to blame and got the bad name not the molester!  But at least it never happened again.  Susan just wants to justify herself and not accept her part that she did NOT protect her daughter and let it keep happening and stayed with the husband-molester-there is just NO excuse for this.       Heidi is better off with out her Mother(-if you want to call her Mother.)  She does NOT need this kind of person in her life-at least not until she sees the LIGHT and admits her mistakes without any excuses or BUTS.  Heidi will be in my prayers!

When my daughter was born, we didn't have tests to determine the sex of our baby before it was born.  When I held that pink bundle in the pink blanket, my heart just sang...and then it dropped.  Instantly the 'fear' set in..."what if....".  I can't tell you how closely I watched her and feared for her.  If my husband was in the room with her alone - I rushed to her side.  Did I think he would abuse her?  No...but from experience, I knew that an abuser can 'look like" every other stand up citizen!

I became paranoid!  When she started school I watched her like a hawk.  As she grew, I worried almost constantly (as if a mother doesn't worry enough) and there were a few times I actually accused my husband of being 'inappropriate' with her.  They both looked at me like I had 10 heads.  But EVERY day I looked at the sweet innocence of my beautiful little girl and wondered "how could they?"  How could ANYONE use ANY child like that?

Like you said here...IF anything had happened to her...that SOB would be DEAD!  I was just as protective with my son...it happens to boys too!  Long before the days of "good touch/bad touch"...I taught my kids that and stressed how important it was for them to come to me with ANYTHING...even a 'bad feeling' about someone.

How could ANYTHING be more important that protecting your child?  I would rather my child be hungry and cold than abused.  Sound crazy?  Not if you have been abused!  I could find food and shelter...that would be a temporary condition...but abuse is a LIFETIME and you can never feel warm or feed the hole in your heart.  We don't 'own' our children...they are loaned to us to love and nurture until they can make it on their own.  It's a heavy responsibility...but begins at the moment of conception.  HOW can a 'parent' (or any adult) put a helpless child in the vile position of sexual perversion?  How can a mother (or any other adult that knows) 'walk away' and leave the child helpless to endure?  WHAT earthly posession or fame could be worth that?  To me....there is NO excuse 'good enough'.

In the previews, Dr. Phil mentions that the mother didn't even say she was sorry.  In my opinion...it's a little late for that!  Saying you are sorry is easy - you're off the hook...WRONG.  The time to be 'sorry' was when she walked in and caught him!  She should have scooped that little girl up and RAN with her - got somewhere that the girl could have felt safe and called the police!  And while waiting for the police, she should have cuddled her and assured her that NO ONE would EVER hurt her again, it wasn't her fault, etc.   Mine didn't do that and from what I see on these boards - most don't.

Here's the other rub.  My step-father was a production worker in a factory when he was arrested and sent to prison.  When he came out seven years later, he had an education and was a heavy duty equipment operator (bulldozers, cranes, etc.), making VERY good money.  For those seven years, he got his 3 squares, a warm bed, an education and job training so that when he came out...he was 'set'.  Our tax dollars paid for that.  Meanwhile, we lived in a drafty house, 3 to a bed and never knew if we would eat that day.  Every day we went to school where everyone stared, pointed and whispered.  Every Sunday we went to church in our hand-me-down clothes and got the same, plus the pity looks.  Folks would meet my mother at her car with bags of hand-me-downs and sometimes food.  It was embarrassing and humiliating.  No matter what he endured in prison, I believe we endured worse.  And my 'mother' was never held responsible for ANYTHING.  To society, she was the 'saint'.  They never asked at the police station if she knew so no one was aware that she knew for YEARS (most of my life).  She paid her dues by raising 7 kids on her own?  NOT!!!  There are plenty of women that do that because of divorce or death, it's what you do as a mother!  Her day will come?  Will it?

Like others that have written here - I have forgiven them so that I can let go of the pain and hate but I will NEVER FORGET the betrayal, neglect and sacrifice of my innocence...not to mention what it did to my mind.  I'm still on my healing journey and sometimes it seems like one step forward- two steps back.  It's a constant struggle to believe I am worth a grain of salt. 

About 15 years ago, I returned to the town we lived in when I was young to visit one of my step-fathers (I had many).  While there, I went to visit a neighbor that I dearly loved.  When she saw me get out of the car she came running outside and dropped to her knees on the ground in front of me, tears flowin down her cheeks, begging me to "forgive her".  I looked at my step-father in astonishment...what was she talkin about?  Through her sobs she told me that she suspected (because of my demeanor) and tried to get help for me.  She was laughed at by the police and the preacher and asked if she was jealous or just a nosey old bat.  She tried several times and was treated the same.  We moved away after her 3rd attempt.  I can't begin to explain how guilty I felt for what she had gone through.  After our visit, my step-father told me that she became a drunk rite after we moved and now he knew what ate at her all those years.  I can only pray I was able to convince her she had nothing to forgive and I thanked her over and over for the love she had that made her 'try' (more than my mother did!).  She died less than a year later.  What a watchful and loving person to have at least tried to help me without knowing for sure. 

It's good that this topic is being done, folks need to know and be watchful, but it tears the scab off a very big wound for those of us that lived it.  I hope Heidi gets something from doing the show because I know I could never do it!  I couldn't even be in the room with her when my sister was dieing of leukemia!  And I know that an "I'm sorry" wouldn't be enough for me.  I'm MUCH better off being thousands of miles away from her and NOTHING to do with her.  It was the most empowering decision I ever made - one she has never 'understood'.  It took awhile, but I became a better mother when mine was out of my life.  It's not the rite decision for everyone, but for some it is.

Sunny